Well, we finally did it, the kids went back to school. I had been praying for G-d to guide us in this decision and He made Himself known and so back they went. This was hard for me and still is. I am so thankful that though things are a bit overwhelming He has sent people into our lives to help me not feel so neurotic!
Aria, of course adjusted. She is so happy to be with her best friend again and has been chitter chattering every day about her latest school hullabaloo! I love how when she tells me her daily update, she spins around on her toes and her voice goes higher and higher with each word until her voice resembles that of a high pitched whistle. All the while with a smile that should truly be on a tooth paste commercial. A friend of mine had recommended the book series Fancy Nancy and boy is it rubbing off on Aria. The little girl in the book is very dramatic and always uses big words to sound extra fancy. I love the books for the fact that it has enhanced her desire to be all the more girly along with vocabulary expansion! Everyone is a winner! Today as I drew her bath. She climbed in and was splashing around. I have been trying to make an added effort to make each day a bit more special in even the tiniest of ways, to stay connected. My dear friend gave me these lovely home made rose bath salts. So today I sprinkled in some to make Aria feel extra Valentiney. Aria says "Ooh La La, this is a lovely spa!" Both of us started to giggle. We just love the preschool she is at, as today they had a Valentine Tea party! To make things even better, it was all about teaching good manners. I just thought that was such a lovely idea! We have been blessed as Aria's best friend's mother has been picking up and dropping Aria off. Truly, she is an answer to prayers. To make things even better, her and her daughter made Aria the most beautiful dazzling (Fancy Nancy) tea cup! Aria is obsessed with this tea cup and can't keep her hands off of it.
As for Isaiah, it's been a little bit of a rough start. On Monday he came home with no boots on. NO BOOTS!! To be honest, I had to laugh a little as I have heard of kids losing scarves, mittens, and hats, but boots??? Then the next day he came home without his snow pants and gloves! Being that he has been going to school since he was three, this was completely foreign to me. Through the advice of a couple of friends, we were able to track down the snow pants, the gloves, and then as an added bonus, the scarf that we had no idea was missing! Then today he came home with one of his missing boots! Yes, you heard me right, one:/ I didn't know whether to laugh or pull my hair out? I decided that I need my hair, so I just laughed. As a friend of ours pointed out, it's progress! I thought to myself, hmmm that's a lovely way to look at it. So I am sticking with progress;) He did come home looking a bit beat and it seems that he is coming down with something, so I sure would appreciate prayers that this would be something mild and not pass around.
In the time that they have been away at school it has given me a lot of time to really focus on my relationship with G-d. I have been back sliding quite a bit, so I hadn't even realized how much I have missed Him. He seems to be teaching me a lot about love. Yeah, I know, age old topic. For me, I have struggled with this. I could go into hours and hours of past hurts and lost hope, but in all of this he is reminding me to focus on loving others. How do I do that when I hardly leave the house? So I asked Him, how do I help and show love to others, when I have the energy of a nail and am house bound. Well, he answered.
I want to respect the privacy of this person, so I'll just say there is someone who got really sick and had no one to help them. No one. When my friend was telling me about all that was going on, I felt a nudge that I haven't felt in a long time. When you get that nudge, it's go time. So this person doesn't even live remotely close and I was completely bewildered as to how I was supposed to be able to help. It was as though I felt a whisper say to call local churches in the person's area. I was elated! Yes, it all seemed so simple! Our church has been awesome when it comes to those in need. I can't tell you how many times they have brought us meals, mowed our lawn, counseled us, you name it they help in any way they can! So I picked up the phone, happy as a lark thinking, tee hee!! This is brilliant! We will be having meals at this woman's door and help is on the way! I am one person, but if we just pass on the need everyone will be sure to want to help out! Do you see where this is going? As I began to dial, I stated what was going on with this person and asked if they would be willing to bring over a meal, or anything to help. I am telling you, I am still reeling from their response "No, we can't help. We don't do that here, and if we did, this person would need to come to church first." I was stunned. I just sat there stammering on the phone and all I could muster out was "Really? Really? (insert long pause) You mean you don't bring meals to your congregation members after having a baby, surgery, or a sickness?" "No," in abrupt manner was the response over and over again. My eyes were starting to sting with hot tears and my face began to flush as I truly was baffled. I had heard people bashing Christians before because of examples similar to this, but I had never heard it over and over again, in such close proximity. All I could think about was this person who needs help so badly and how much I ached to help bring relief.
Now, if you are not a Christian, I want you to understand something, this is not how we are taught. As a Christian I am here to tell you that none of us are perfect and obviously these people might have been having a bad day of their own. In fact, that's what's is so awesome about what we believe. We are sinners who make daily mistakes, but thankfully we have a savior that has paid the price for us and cover over those sins and in that is forgiveness. We are taught to love one another. Like all people, we make mistakes and in our imperfection, we learn from them. Our church has repeatedly taught us to love others, no matter what they believe. The way we show that is by helping them as much as we can, and let them decide for themselves. I have this one group of beautiful ladies that have reminded me, "Our Lord is a gentleman, he is not going to force His way in. He waits to be asked." So, I was shocked when each of these churches said no. All I could think is that the Lord in Heaven must be shedding some tears. This isn't what the body of Christ is about at all! I found myself crying and called one last church. By now, I was a sniffling mess. As I poured my heart out to this poor secretary, she listened. When I got done I could hear her sniffing a bit and she just said that she would have to call me back and by that point I was done. I cried for a while and asked G-d what on earth I was supposed to do? I was on the phone crying to my Mother in law when I saw the last church was calling me back. I ended up speaking with the secretary again and she sweetly gave me several numbers to call. She explained that she would love to help that she didn't drive and took the bus into town several times a week. She didn't have much else to help me with, but it was the love in her voice that I noticed. She cared. She had compassion. She too felt helpless. She ended calling me back 3 times with great sincerity. Now, I don't know the circumstances that each of those churches have been going through. For all I know they could be having financial issues of their own, or 10 congregation members. Who knows, their reasons could be perfectly valid. The last church that I had called didn't have any resources to lend out either, but it was how she spoke to me that changed the weight of the conversation. She spoke to me with such patience and kindness and while the circumstances hadn't changed, my heart softened. I tell you if I could, I kiss that woman (that means a lot coming from a germaphobe!), through her compassion I felt a huge lesson emerging. I have been reading in the book of James about if you ignore the cries of someone who desperately needs help, that you had better check yourself (okay so I paraphrased). I felt as though a gong has been bashed in my head. Love one another as you yourself would want to be loved. Again, yes, we all know it. I guess I just haven't felt it in that way. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have always felt like I am not enough, that I am just one person. But as I listened to that little old secretary's voice, I realized that one person can make a huge difference. Call after call, I was put off. But in that one small call with one lady, my hope was restored. All it took was one person to be kind.
Honestly at that moment I realized how blessed I have been. I am thankful to have such an adoring husband, spectacular kids, loving family, fabulous friends, and our amazing church, and a community of believers who daily talk the talk and walk the walk. I want so much to share this love with everyone who need help, but especially to this individual who has experienced such heart break and loneliness. I have also found those who have experienced hurt in one way or another, are the first to want to help. Yes, I have been blessed that even when we were completely bogged down and rejected in one way or another, we have always had a ray of hope reach through. All those times I accused G-d of abandoning me, He never did. Sadly, it was I that abandoned Him. I could list off my reasons for why, but now I realize they weren't valid. I remember at one of my earliest grief counseling session, she said to me, "feelings aren't fact." I could not wrap my mind around what she was saying. It made no sense to me whatsoever. Can you believe it took me 8 years to understand that one simple sentence? Talk about being out in the wilderness. I had a friend come over last night and as we sat and talked I told her it felt like I have had scales over my eyes and one of them came off. For someone who is in total darkness one simple light can make a huge difference. I feel as though I have gained something so priceless. I never imagined that one snappy comment could make me feel so rejected, and one kind sentence could make me feel so much hope.
Believe or not, for those of you who really know me know, I wear my heart on my sleeve and can be quite bold in my words. Yet I forgot how timid I can become when I am in uncharted territory. This also made me think about all of the times I might have been short with when I was in a bad mood and taken it out on some unsuspecting telemarketer. It's like bad moods are contagious, but so are good ones! When it all comes down to it, each of us is struggling in one way or another. It can make a world of difference to know that someone cares, even if it's just a simple hello or smile. With so much of this world being out of our control, we can control how we respond to others in daily interactions and especially in times of need. For those of us who have been repeatedly hurt, rejected, and abandoned, this can be so hard grasp. I guess true love is laying it all out on the line knowing that you can give and not get anything in return. Love, all encompassing compassionate unconditional love. It sounds so easy, but when you get down into it, it can be hard to love someone that has purposely hurt you. To be kind to someone so wicked, it just seems wrong when you are in the moment, yet it can move even the hardest of hearts.
There is a song that has been out for a while, but I have never really noticed it until after this experience it spoke volumes. It's called Shelter by Jars of Clay. The words are so beautiful, but the chorus is so poignant. Right before it they sing, "We will never walk alone. In the shelter of each other we will live...." When I heard the words, I found myself welling up with tears of comfort. How beautiful is that? We will never walk alone. In the shelter of each other we will live. G-d is always with us, whether we feel it or not. I know part of the reason I hate this sickness so much, is how isolated I feel. To think about all of the times people have answered the call of G-d and have had compassion for us and walked by our sides, prayed for us, cried with us, encouraged us, in the shelter of each other we are living.
Love one another. Imagine if each of us could do several random acts of kindness, how different this world would be.
Watch, pray, believe, and be ever so amazed.
As always, keep those prayers coming, we appreciate them more than you know!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Teach, Your Children Well...
Teach your children well, and know they love you.... Crosby Stills Nash and Young sang it well. While I am not familiar with the whole song, I have heard that part of the song throughout the years. I never really thought about those words until the past few days.
I remember from a very young age, playing with my dolls and dreaming of the day that I would get to be the parent. Like most little girls, I had the names of all my kids picked out. Apparently I had watched a lot of Happy Days, because my parents tell me that I wanted my daughter to be named Pinkie, after one of the characters on the show. I also came up with the clever idea that I would also have children named Yellowy, Bluey, and yes, sadly, Greenie. Not one of my proudest moments, but I can laugh about it now. I also remember growing up having to do chores. In my mind I had it all planned out, I would NEVER make my kids do chores. I would never subject them to any hard work and dash their dreams of constant play. This was back in the day where dishwashers were a luxury. Like most, we had to wash and dry them by hand. My sister and I fought like cats and dogs and being forced to stand less than two feet apart only heightened our contempt for each other. Although some days we would make up silly little diddy's but that's whole other story. I remember this one particular time, there was quite the large amounts of dishes. I don't know about you, but having to do the dishes, was the bane of my existence!! I was pretty easy going as a child, but still I could get pretty hot under the collar. This was one of those moments. It had been chili or spaghetti night, which meant large dishes! I remember thinking to myself and I can't remember if I actually vocalized it or not, but for sure I thought it, "I will never make my kids do the dishes." This time a string in my brain got plucked because as soon as the thought passed through my mind, I, being the Einstein that I was, realized that meant I'd be doing the dishes for the rest of my life!! Shortly there after I decided to renege on my thought.
After having Aurora, I began to set up this fantasy of what a great Mom I would be. Yes, we would sing and dance, and my kids would be my best friends!! I would be cross between Mary Poppins and Julie Andrews and my kids would follow behind me like little ducklings! It sure was a nice thought. I am sure some day my kids are going to get a huge kick out of that. Then I had Elijah and everything changed. As soon as he was born, I changed. I believe he was about 3 months old and a rather traumatic event happened up at the hospital. My mothering skills were put into question over something so trivial, but it crushed me to the very core. From that day forward I became a Mama Bear. I did anything and everything I could to protect him, I didn't care how unreasonable I was being. I went from being an offensive player to both offensive and defensive. Sounds tiring right? It was. My guard had to be constantly up and aware, it was overwhelming.
I'd like to say that I have changed, but I haven't. In fact after Elijah died, it magnified everything more than I could have ever imagine. After Isaiah was born, I was determined to protect him from anything and everything. So much so that every thing was baby proofed and then some. Our poor family and friends who babysat were petrified to be alone with him, as they were afraid of anything happening to him on their watch. Then Aria joined the ranks and I had to release some of that control as it was exhausting to do this with 2 children. Do you remember the show Tiny Toons? I would liken myself to Elmyra. She would smother any tiny creature with so much love that the poor things would do anything to escape! I just love them so much that I don't want anything to happen to them and I have lost touch with G-d in this area. I often hear other parents say they have to release their kids to G-d when something is out of their control. I know that they are right, my kids aren't mine, they are His. Yet my love for them yearns to protect them in any way that I can.
So getting sick was not part of my plan. In the past year and a half, I have had to release the kids to many people to babysit. I have had to relinquish my desires for things to be certain way and even let them go make memories without me. With each trip to the hospital, we would have to drop the kids off with family and I would cry as we drove away. In fact, I pretty much cried throughout each stay. Why was crying? Yes for the pain and the fear of the unknown, but mainly, it was the fact that I never got to be the Mom that I thought I should have been. I have been so busy trying to protect the kids that I really hadn't been able to have fun with them. We used to go to the park, go on bike rides, play dates, library, anything to go out and have fun. Then I got sick and everything got put on hold. At the time, my biggest sadness was that they wouldn't remember what I had done with them. Isaiah since then has revealed many memories of what we used to do. At first I was relieved, but then I saw the great sadness in his eyes of what used to be. Even sadder yet, me not being able to give him a time frame of when all of this would get better.
Yes, I know there are many other kids in worse situations. Some are abused and neglected, some their parent/s have died, etc... I know, it could always be worse. All I could think about was, but this wasn't supposed to be how this happened. After the kids died, I just figured that we were free and clear of any more disasters, that I had made it through the fire and all would be well. I guess that's not how things work. I know I am not alone in my thought process as I have heard it through my friends and family, expressions of longing for a child or spouse that had been deceased, a divorce, infertility, financial woes, chronic illness, sudden death, you name it, some one is going through it. Some how the great deceiver has us believing that we are all alone, no one else understands my pain, no one cares.... It just gets ugly.
Fast forward to this winter. The sickness has been flying faster than trapeze artists up in the air. So we have chosen to homeschool for a short time. Granted, I began this choice out of fear. I know many people who homeschool. They are Mom's who seem to have been born with patience and extra grace. I truly respect these women as they love what they do and most do a bang up job. But me?? I am not one of those Proverbs 31 wives/mothers. So who would have thought what has emerged? I love it. I love being with my kids. For the first time in a year and a half, I feel like a Mom again. We are reading books with voracious appetites. I got to teach Isaiah about fractions today, FRACTIONS!!! I struggled so hard with this concept as a child, so I was pretty scared. After we got done with our lesson, Isaiah says "I love fractions!!" Then we discussed symmetrical and asymmetrical and he actually got it! He started to point at various things and explaining why it was one or the other. My heart leapt with joy and I felt as though I wanted to swing on the ceiling fan while having a flashback to the scene in Annie where all the servants sing and dance! So I got a bit carried away, but it was fun! I have been able to release this inner Mom in me that I had hoped was deep inside.
Believe me, I am no Mom of the year. I truly believe G-d graced me with such sweet kids, He made them, not me. I never thought I would be such an old school Mom. I believe in the basics to teach good manners and respect. I am not here to be your friend, but I am here to love you and protect you with all that I know how to do. We have been working hard on several words, organization, respect, and good effort. It's been challenging and yet, quite amazing to see how much they are responding to my one on one interaction with them. Mainly because I haven't been able much at all this last year. It's given me a sense of renewed purpose. I had pretty much written myself off and figured I have just been weighing the family down. It turns out they want me there, I have been missed. On the days I am not feeling well, we take it easy and on the days I feel good, we do extra.
Today, they were getting on their snow gear and Seth and I were talking them through each task. Isaiah can do almost everything, but putting on gloves is a great struggle. I began to laugh at one point as he was grunting quite loudly, he did not take kindly to this gesture. I was laughing at how cute he looked. He's just growing up so fast and it always catches me off guard when he struggles with something. He's always been such a little adult that I cherish moments like that, it gives me purpose. We talked him through it and cheered when he achieved success in getting the gloves on! I caught myself laughing. It was if time had stood still. They are only young once. Kids are so impressionable. They are eager to please, even in stubborn streaks. They crave our love and yearn for our approval. As parents, we do too. Let's face it, between Seth and I, he is the popular choice. Little did I know, they have been releasing little glimpses of how they see me. It was nothing of what I thought they would think. They love being with me, I am the singer, the silly dancer, the boo boo kisser, the prayer. I am, Mom.
Through out many of the days that we have spent together, some where my health is good and some, not so much, I get to build them up with love. While we can't provide them with trips to Disney World, or even Chuck E Cheese for that matter, they are content with just being loved well. I have learned that when I am having a bad day, to excuse myself, vent in another room and protect them from the harshness of what their little hearts don't need to learn just yet. By no means am I perfect, in fact I am pretty broken. It's in my brokenness I am learning to cherish the simple things and to try that much harder not to get caught up with the big stuff. In a way I have regressed, but maybe it's not such a bad thing. I can't believe I am even saying that. It's forced me to take down my walls of my self made fortress. My fortress was built to protect me from all of the hurts of my life, but in the fortress of keeping out the some bad things, it's also blocked me from receiving good things.
I never realized it before, but I am believer in everything happens for a reason. I have had few people in my life that have reminded me that just because pain has happened, doesn't mean it hasn't allowed space for good. Growing hurts. I guess if we don't ever feel pain, how do we grow?? Better yet, I know that the more I hurt, the more I cling to G-d. I have that deep rooted hope that this is all for a greater good, even if I am not there to see it. Maybe if I hadn't gotten sick, I would never have gotten the opportunity to stop and slow down and get that taste that I might be that Mom I had hoped I would be? Maybe in me being sick, I am having to step down and release this false sense of control that I thought I had and really let G-d take the reigns? In this that also means letting my husband get into the position of the role he was meant to take and for me to assume mine? Maybe I can finally grasp what I teach my kids all of the time, we are here to live for G-d, not for ourselves?
I have always had a deep yearning for G-d to be close. I have experienced His presence a few times in my life. It's an amazing experience and once you have tasted it, you crave it always. As I look at my children's faces and truly just let go of every worry, it all seems so surreal.
Raising kids isn't what I thought it would be. I thought it would be easy, but it isn't. In fact, it really is one of the hardest jobs. Not because of the all the messy stuff, but because G-d is entrusting this little one's life in my hands. Everything I say and do, will impact them and how they will function for the rest of their life. That's pretty serious stuff. So with each task I am allowed to teach them, I take it as an honor to be able to participate in their life. We only have one shot at them being young, it'll be their choice as they grow older to come home and want to visit. It'll be their choice to decide if G-d is real. It'll be their choice to see how they look at the world. It'll be their choice to choose how to act. So I am reminded of how precious this time is even as I get frustrated when they don't listen or when I get scared because of something out of my control, because I too have a choice on how to set an example everyday. How I react will impact them for years to come. Do I want to teach fear or love? It is so true to "teach your children well...and know they love you."
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
I remember from a very young age, playing with my dolls and dreaming of the day that I would get to be the parent. Like most little girls, I had the names of all my kids picked out. Apparently I had watched a lot of Happy Days, because my parents tell me that I wanted my daughter to be named Pinkie, after one of the characters on the show. I also came up with the clever idea that I would also have children named Yellowy, Bluey, and yes, sadly, Greenie. Not one of my proudest moments, but I can laugh about it now. I also remember growing up having to do chores. In my mind I had it all planned out, I would NEVER make my kids do chores. I would never subject them to any hard work and dash their dreams of constant play. This was back in the day where dishwashers were a luxury. Like most, we had to wash and dry them by hand. My sister and I fought like cats and dogs and being forced to stand less than two feet apart only heightened our contempt for each other. Although some days we would make up silly little diddy's but that's whole other story. I remember this one particular time, there was quite the large amounts of dishes. I don't know about you, but having to do the dishes, was the bane of my existence!! I was pretty easy going as a child, but still I could get pretty hot under the collar. This was one of those moments. It had been chili or spaghetti night, which meant large dishes! I remember thinking to myself and I can't remember if I actually vocalized it or not, but for sure I thought it, "I will never make my kids do the dishes." This time a string in my brain got plucked because as soon as the thought passed through my mind, I, being the Einstein that I was, realized that meant I'd be doing the dishes for the rest of my life!! Shortly there after I decided to renege on my thought.
After having Aurora, I began to set up this fantasy of what a great Mom I would be. Yes, we would sing and dance, and my kids would be my best friends!! I would be cross between Mary Poppins and Julie Andrews and my kids would follow behind me like little ducklings! It sure was a nice thought. I am sure some day my kids are going to get a huge kick out of that. Then I had Elijah and everything changed. As soon as he was born, I changed. I believe he was about 3 months old and a rather traumatic event happened up at the hospital. My mothering skills were put into question over something so trivial, but it crushed me to the very core. From that day forward I became a Mama Bear. I did anything and everything I could to protect him, I didn't care how unreasonable I was being. I went from being an offensive player to both offensive and defensive. Sounds tiring right? It was. My guard had to be constantly up and aware, it was overwhelming.
I'd like to say that I have changed, but I haven't. In fact after Elijah died, it magnified everything more than I could have ever imagine. After Isaiah was born, I was determined to protect him from anything and everything. So much so that every thing was baby proofed and then some. Our poor family and friends who babysat were petrified to be alone with him, as they were afraid of anything happening to him on their watch. Then Aria joined the ranks and I had to release some of that control as it was exhausting to do this with 2 children. Do you remember the show Tiny Toons? I would liken myself to Elmyra. She would smother any tiny creature with so much love that the poor things would do anything to escape! I just love them so much that I don't want anything to happen to them and I have lost touch with G-d in this area. I often hear other parents say they have to release their kids to G-d when something is out of their control. I know that they are right, my kids aren't mine, they are His. Yet my love for them yearns to protect them in any way that I can.
So getting sick was not part of my plan. In the past year and a half, I have had to release the kids to many people to babysit. I have had to relinquish my desires for things to be certain way and even let them go make memories without me. With each trip to the hospital, we would have to drop the kids off with family and I would cry as we drove away. In fact, I pretty much cried throughout each stay. Why was crying? Yes for the pain and the fear of the unknown, but mainly, it was the fact that I never got to be the Mom that I thought I should have been. I have been so busy trying to protect the kids that I really hadn't been able to have fun with them. We used to go to the park, go on bike rides, play dates, library, anything to go out and have fun. Then I got sick and everything got put on hold. At the time, my biggest sadness was that they wouldn't remember what I had done with them. Isaiah since then has revealed many memories of what we used to do. At first I was relieved, but then I saw the great sadness in his eyes of what used to be. Even sadder yet, me not being able to give him a time frame of when all of this would get better.
Yes, I know there are many other kids in worse situations. Some are abused and neglected, some their parent/s have died, etc... I know, it could always be worse. All I could think about was, but this wasn't supposed to be how this happened. After the kids died, I just figured that we were free and clear of any more disasters, that I had made it through the fire and all would be well. I guess that's not how things work. I know I am not alone in my thought process as I have heard it through my friends and family, expressions of longing for a child or spouse that had been deceased, a divorce, infertility, financial woes, chronic illness, sudden death, you name it, some one is going through it. Some how the great deceiver has us believing that we are all alone, no one else understands my pain, no one cares.... It just gets ugly.
Fast forward to this winter. The sickness has been flying faster than trapeze artists up in the air. So we have chosen to homeschool for a short time. Granted, I began this choice out of fear. I know many people who homeschool. They are Mom's who seem to have been born with patience and extra grace. I truly respect these women as they love what they do and most do a bang up job. But me?? I am not one of those Proverbs 31 wives/mothers. So who would have thought what has emerged? I love it. I love being with my kids. For the first time in a year and a half, I feel like a Mom again. We are reading books with voracious appetites. I got to teach Isaiah about fractions today, FRACTIONS!!! I struggled so hard with this concept as a child, so I was pretty scared. After we got done with our lesson, Isaiah says "I love fractions!!" Then we discussed symmetrical and asymmetrical and he actually got it! He started to point at various things and explaining why it was one or the other. My heart leapt with joy and I felt as though I wanted to swing on the ceiling fan while having a flashback to the scene in Annie where all the servants sing and dance! So I got a bit carried away, but it was fun! I have been able to release this inner Mom in me that I had hoped was deep inside.
Believe me, I am no Mom of the year. I truly believe G-d graced me with such sweet kids, He made them, not me. I never thought I would be such an old school Mom. I believe in the basics to teach good manners and respect. I am not here to be your friend, but I am here to love you and protect you with all that I know how to do. We have been working hard on several words, organization, respect, and good effort. It's been challenging and yet, quite amazing to see how much they are responding to my one on one interaction with them. Mainly because I haven't been able much at all this last year. It's given me a sense of renewed purpose. I had pretty much written myself off and figured I have just been weighing the family down. It turns out they want me there, I have been missed. On the days I am not feeling well, we take it easy and on the days I feel good, we do extra.
Today, they were getting on their snow gear and Seth and I were talking them through each task. Isaiah can do almost everything, but putting on gloves is a great struggle. I began to laugh at one point as he was grunting quite loudly, he did not take kindly to this gesture. I was laughing at how cute he looked. He's just growing up so fast and it always catches me off guard when he struggles with something. He's always been such a little adult that I cherish moments like that, it gives me purpose. We talked him through it and cheered when he achieved success in getting the gloves on! I caught myself laughing. It was if time had stood still. They are only young once. Kids are so impressionable. They are eager to please, even in stubborn streaks. They crave our love and yearn for our approval. As parents, we do too. Let's face it, between Seth and I, he is the popular choice. Little did I know, they have been releasing little glimpses of how they see me. It was nothing of what I thought they would think. They love being with me, I am the singer, the silly dancer, the boo boo kisser, the prayer. I am, Mom.
Through out many of the days that we have spent together, some where my health is good and some, not so much, I get to build them up with love. While we can't provide them with trips to Disney World, or even Chuck E Cheese for that matter, they are content with just being loved well. I have learned that when I am having a bad day, to excuse myself, vent in another room and protect them from the harshness of what their little hearts don't need to learn just yet. By no means am I perfect, in fact I am pretty broken. It's in my brokenness I am learning to cherish the simple things and to try that much harder not to get caught up with the big stuff. In a way I have regressed, but maybe it's not such a bad thing. I can't believe I am even saying that. It's forced me to take down my walls of my self made fortress. My fortress was built to protect me from all of the hurts of my life, but in the fortress of keeping out the some bad things, it's also blocked me from receiving good things.
I never realized it before, but I am believer in everything happens for a reason. I have had few people in my life that have reminded me that just because pain has happened, doesn't mean it hasn't allowed space for good. Growing hurts. I guess if we don't ever feel pain, how do we grow?? Better yet, I know that the more I hurt, the more I cling to G-d. I have that deep rooted hope that this is all for a greater good, even if I am not there to see it. Maybe if I hadn't gotten sick, I would never have gotten the opportunity to stop and slow down and get that taste that I might be that Mom I had hoped I would be? Maybe in me being sick, I am having to step down and release this false sense of control that I thought I had and really let G-d take the reigns? In this that also means letting my husband get into the position of the role he was meant to take and for me to assume mine? Maybe I can finally grasp what I teach my kids all of the time, we are here to live for G-d, not for ourselves?
I have always had a deep yearning for G-d to be close. I have experienced His presence a few times in my life. It's an amazing experience and once you have tasted it, you crave it always. As I look at my children's faces and truly just let go of every worry, it all seems so surreal.
Raising kids isn't what I thought it would be. I thought it would be easy, but it isn't. In fact, it really is one of the hardest jobs. Not because of the all the messy stuff, but because G-d is entrusting this little one's life in my hands. Everything I say and do, will impact them and how they will function for the rest of their life. That's pretty serious stuff. So with each task I am allowed to teach them, I take it as an honor to be able to participate in their life. We only have one shot at them being young, it'll be their choice as they grow older to come home and want to visit. It'll be their choice to decide if G-d is real. It'll be their choice to see how they look at the world. It'll be their choice to choose how to act. So I am reminded of how precious this time is even as I get frustrated when they don't listen or when I get scared because of something out of my control, because I too have a choice on how to set an example everyday. How I react will impact them for years to come. Do I want to teach fear or love? It is so true to "teach your children well...and know they love you."
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Mosaic
I keep on trying to find the right way to start this post, but have found myself writing and deleting quite a bit. Thankfully, I don't have to write this all out in long hand or else there would be quite a bit of crumpled up balls of paper every where. We have gotten quite a bit of snow over the past week. The kids are loving it and are constantly begging to go out side. Seth of course has gone beyond the building a snow man and has instead helped the kids create an igloo at the bottom of their slide. It just cracks me up to see them all bundled up in their snow gear to the point that they waddle around like little penguins. Since it's been so cold, we have been extra careful to protect their little lungs. So we have added the "Christmas Story" look, where their ensemble is topped off with a scarf that is wrapped up to their eyes! All you can see is their tiny eyes peering out from a sea of pink/black and orange/black. They don't complain though, they are more than thrilled to be able to explore the winter wonderland that they haven't really seen much of in the past couple of years.
Due to all of the snow, we have almost went into hibernation mode. We hit up the library for as many books as we could grab, so that we could have plenty of story time. I have the kids read with me to get used to reading out loud. If you ever wonder how you sound or what frequent words you say, just have a kid around. Apparently, I change my voices with each character, and both of them have picked up on that. I have to hold back the laughter in hearing Aria and Isaiah changing their tones with a man or woman character. It's been a world of wonder for me to see how much they have grasped at punctuation and changing how a sentence sounds. It took me at least until 2nd or 3rd grade to figure that out. Isaiah is adding and subtracting double digits, he truly loves math. We have also taken up spelling, although it is by far his least favorite subject. They are starting to get into Winnie the Pooh! They haven't really shown any interest until they saw the Tigger movie, now it's exploded into begging to see another. Hey, if I can have Spider Man not enter the house for a little while longer, that's fine by me! The biggest thing that I have become aware with the both of them, is their hearts. I have noticed that they are really becoming aware of compassion. I have been battling a 5 day tension headache. This thing will just not go away. I had to finally lie down and told the kids to play quietly in the room next to me. After a while, Isaiah quietly tip toed into my room and sweetly said "How is your head Mommy?" He stroked my hair and just smiled at me. His sweet soul was truly concerned about how I felt. I was waiting for a request on his part, but the only thing he wanted was for me to feel better. I struggle with the guilt of them seeing me fall apart. On the days I feel good, I try really hard to make the best go of it. I feel so guilty to think that I am not out there helping create a snow maze, wolfing down dinner, or having kids come over for play dates. It's the simple things I wish I could do, nothing extravagant, just simple.
This week I has been an emotional battle ground, for myself. I have been dealing with a lot of old issues, mixed in with the new and it's created quite the storm. I hit bottom and felt myself crying out to the Lord for mercy, as it was the only else that I could do. I even tried to take a break from Facebook to try and clear my head and not focus on what everyone else was doing. I just needed some time to focus on what it is that I can do. It left me to face my fears straight in the eye and I did not like what I saw.
Since taking my break from Facebook, I have been able to catch up with my friends on the phone. I forgot how much I missed talking with people, it's just not the same as Facebook. While I get to see bits and pieces, I missed the heart and soul of what others are going through. Most people are healthy enough to have get togethers, so they are getting the full picture. For me, being in a shut in status, at the moment, it's harder to do. So I was able to pick up the phone and be able to connect with friends, some of them I had no idea how bad they were hurting. I was able to see that I am not the only one suffering, only the suffering presents itself in a wide variant of forms. The best part, I was just able to listen. I knew I couldn't change their situation, but I could listen as they poured their hearts out. It has been humbling. Don't get me wrong, FB is great to keep in touch. I am just more aware that I need to reach out to others, just as much as I needed them to reach out to me.
As I spoke with my friend Stephanie last night (she is the one who just got her second feeding tube placement) she informed me that the feeding tube recovery wasn't going as well as had been hoped. This week she is going to have TPN placed. This was something she had hoped to avoid. I sat there as she explained all that has been going on. It's enough that I wish I could go to every GI doc in the world and beg them to do more to help people with gastroparesis! We need food to survive and we need more research! After I hung up the phone I just sat there begging for G-d's help and asking "why?"
I was then reminded of a thought. I had written about this after Elijah had died. I believe it was in the book of Job, where we hear about the reference that G-d is the potter and we are the clay. I almost imagine with each of us we are all made so unique. Some of the pieces sit as they are, where as, some are painted, some get fired in the kiln (sometimes more than one), well, you get the picture. I imagine all of us are a part of that clay. We are all in different shapes and sizes. As we grow, sometimes we get bumped into, dropped, and even smashed. To us, we look broken, unsalvageable. We feel as though we are damaged goods with each blow. To us, we see nothing but a mess on the floor. Or worse yet, we feel it. Then there is G-d. He is the one who loves us unconditionally. Where we are let down time after time by loved ones, acquaintances, even strangers, He doesn't. This is hard to admit when you double over in pain. I have cried out many a time asking where He is. Sometimes He answers quickly, while others, it's as though He is silent. Silently I imagine him looking at my shattered mess, all of my hurts, my kids death's, my illness, etc. He sweeps me up into the dust pan, and just when I think He is going to throw me out, He places me on his work table. He then seems to dust off each piece of me and places me into a frame. I can't quite see the frame and I have no idea what He is doing. When out comes the little dabbles of hope/glue to stick me into this frame. I guess what I imagine is all us in our hurts, both big and small, are placed together to connect each other. In all our brokenness, He places us together to create a big beautiful mosaic picture that only He can see. What we see is broken shattered pieces, He sees a collage of beauty and color. Without Him, we are nothing but clay, dust. With Him, we become a part of a bigger picture that is even more beautiful that we can imagine. Some lives are snuffed out before they even begin, some while they are young, some while they are old, but each of them have a place, and a true purpose. A purpose that G-d knows and adores.
I am asking for some heavy duty prayers. First, for my friend Stephanie. Please pray that her body would respond to this TPN in a positive way and be able to gain weight. Also that her whole system would work as it should. I am asking for prayers for wisdom. I am supposed to go for Botox at U of M on Friday and we are trying to be obedient to what G-d wants for me. Also for prayers for G-d to show us what to do for some pretty big decisions. As always, for healing, whatever that looks like. Peace is so under rated and yet I yearn for heaps of it!
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
For G-d has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. 2 Tim. 1:7
Due to all of the snow, we have almost went into hibernation mode. We hit up the library for as many books as we could grab, so that we could have plenty of story time. I have the kids read with me to get used to reading out loud. If you ever wonder how you sound or what frequent words you say, just have a kid around. Apparently, I change my voices with each character, and both of them have picked up on that. I have to hold back the laughter in hearing Aria and Isaiah changing their tones with a man or woman character. It's been a world of wonder for me to see how much they have grasped at punctuation and changing how a sentence sounds. It took me at least until 2nd or 3rd grade to figure that out. Isaiah is adding and subtracting double digits, he truly loves math. We have also taken up spelling, although it is by far his least favorite subject. They are starting to get into Winnie the Pooh! They haven't really shown any interest until they saw the Tigger movie, now it's exploded into begging to see another. Hey, if I can have Spider Man not enter the house for a little while longer, that's fine by me! The biggest thing that I have become aware with the both of them, is their hearts. I have noticed that they are really becoming aware of compassion. I have been battling a 5 day tension headache. This thing will just not go away. I had to finally lie down and told the kids to play quietly in the room next to me. After a while, Isaiah quietly tip toed into my room and sweetly said "How is your head Mommy?" He stroked my hair and just smiled at me. His sweet soul was truly concerned about how I felt. I was waiting for a request on his part, but the only thing he wanted was for me to feel better. I struggle with the guilt of them seeing me fall apart. On the days I feel good, I try really hard to make the best go of it. I feel so guilty to think that I am not out there helping create a snow maze, wolfing down dinner, or having kids come over for play dates. It's the simple things I wish I could do, nothing extravagant, just simple.
This week I has been an emotional battle ground, for myself. I have been dealing with a lot of old issues, mixed in with the new and it's created quite the storm. I hit bottom and felt myself crying out to the Lord for mercy, as it was the only else that I could do. I even tried to take a break from Facebook to try and clear my head and not focus on what everyone else was doing. I just needed some time to focus on what it is that I can do. It left me to face my fears straight in the eye and I did not like what I saw.
Since taking my break from Facebook, I have been able to catch up with my friends on the phone. I forgot how much I missed talking with people, it's just not the same as Facebook. While I get to see bits and pieces, I missed the heart and soul of what others are going through. Most people are healthy enough to have get togethers, so they are getting the full picture. For me, being in a shut in status, at the moment, it's harder to do. So I was able to pick up the phone and be able to connect with friends, some of them I had no idea how bad they were hurting. I was able to see that I am not the only one suffering, only the suffering presents itself in a wide variant of forms. The best part, I was just able to listen. I knew I couldn't change their situation, but I could listen as they poured their hearts out. It has been humbling. Don't get me wrong, FB is great to keep in touch. I am just more aware that I need to reach out to others, just as much as I needed them to reach out to me.
As I spoke with my friend Stephanie last night (she is the one who just got her second feeding tube placement) she informed me that the feeding tube recovery wasn't going as well as had been hoped. This week she is going to have TPN placed. This was something she had hoped to avoid. I sat there as she explained all that has been going on. It's enough that I wish I could go to every GI doc in the world and beg them to do more to help people with gastroparesis! We need food to survive and we need more research! After I hung up the phone I just sat there begging for G-d's help and asking "why?"
I was then reminded of a thought. I had written about this after Elijah had died. I believe it was in the book of Job, where we hear about the reference that G-d is the potter and we are the clay. I almost imagine with each of us we are all made so unique. Some of the pieces sit as they are, where as, some are painted, some get fired in the kiln (sometimes more than one), well, you get the picture. I imagine all of us are a part of that clay. We are all in different shapes and sizes. As we grow, sometimes we get bumped into, dropped, and even smashed. To us, we look broken, unsalvageable. We feel as though we are damaged goods with each blow. To us, we see nothing but a mess on the floor. Or worse yet, we feel it. Then there is G-d. He is the one who loves us unconditionally. Where we are let down time after time by loved ones, acquaintances, even strangers, He doesn't. This is hard to admit when you double over in pain. I have cried out many a time asking where He is. Sometimes He answers quickly, while others, it's as though He is silent. Silently I imagine him looking at my shattered mess, all of my hurts, my kids death's, my illness, etc. He sweeps me up into the dust pan, and just when I think He is going to throw me out, He places me on his work table. He then seems to dust off each piece of me and places me into a frame. I can't quite see the frame and I have no idea what He is doing. When out comes the little dabbles of hope/glue to stick me into this frame. I guess what I imagine is all us in our hurts, both big and small, are placed together to connect each other. In all our brokenness, He places us together to create a big beautiful mosaic picture that only He can see. What we see is broken shattered pieces, He sees a collage of beauty and color. Without Him, we are nothing but clay, dust. With Him, we become a part of a bigger picture that is even more beautiful that we can imagine. Some lives are snuffed out before they even begin, some while they are young, some while they are old, but each of them have a place, and a true purpose. A purpose that G-d knows and adores.
I am asking for some heavy duty prayers. First, for my friend Stephanie. Please pray that her body would respond to this TPN in a positive way and be able to gain weight. Also that her whole system would work as it should. I am asking for prayers for wisdom. I am supposed to go for Botox at U of M on Friday and we are trying to be obedient to what G-d wants for me. Also for prayers for G-d to show us what to do for some pretty big decisions. As always, for healing, whatever that looks like. Peace is so under rated and yet I yearn for heaps of it!
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
For G-d has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. 2 Tim. 1:7
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