A Good Day

As always, I am long over due for an update. I probably have lost half my readers due to my lack of keeping up (oops). However, I am trying hard to be live in the moment with my kids, so the computer has been taking the back burner;) I am still recovering from the botox, for the gastroparesis. They speculate if it works (it's still up in the air how effective it is, and how long it lasts for) it should take a couple of weeks before I really see a difference. Sedation and the injections tend to slow me down for a while, so hopefully soon! This time, I am praying for courage. I really need to add food more variety to my diet. My last injection (back in Feb.) allowed me to introduce bread and some pureed meat, this time, my hope is for more variety, especially veges or some new spices. I so miss Thai, Chinese, and Mexican the most. My sniffer makes up for all of my other issues, so restaurants are really hard for me to go in. I take one whiff and start drooling like a St. Bernard! I have tried to go out once with the family (since it's been almost a year!) I ordered plain chicken. The waiter kept on asking me if I wanted more sides, condiments, fruit and just looked plain perplexed when I didn't. He kept on bringing piles of hot fries that I so desperately wanted to dive into. It got to the point I just wanted to throw the fries on the floor and do the Cha Cha on them. To say the least, it was a difficult experience. I was happy for the kids and Seth, but it pushed me passed my disciplines self. Now with the botox, I am hoping to be brave and try a bite here and there of some new foods, even if it is just one bite. I know it sounds ridiculous, but trust me, one bite can send me into a tailspin. With all the grills lit up everywhere and fresh vege. spreads, it's hard not to cry. Isaiah smelled a grill (turns out this is his first year he can actually smell, due to his allergies) For now, I have to let that go, as I need to focus on getting my calories with the best of nutrition I can and try to gain some healthy weight. In the meantime, the kids are trying all sort of things that I would have loved to indulged with them. They are eating broccoli, red bell peppers ( I think I miss these two the most) berries, melon, and now I am trying to persuade them to try avocado! They both are growing fast. They both seemed to have had several growth spurts in the last 6 months. Isaiah is showing quite an interest in swimming. He was mesmerized by the Olympic swimming and immediately said "Mom, someday I want to do that," he sounded so serious. I told him if he practiced really hard, he could, and his eyes lit up like the 4th of July. Thankfully, we have several people that are close to us that have pools, so he has been practicing like crazy. He and Aria are both jumping off the diving board! We have them wear life vests, just until I feel they can swim stronger since they haven't had real lessons. Still, they are having so much fun and that is all that matters! Isaiah is really loving math and is practicing his writing. He loves doing flash cards and is eager to learn. Aria, is growing and becoming more and more fearless. I am thinking she is part monkey, the way she climbs anything and everything. She is reading on her own, and is quite the social butterfly. She is quite the ray of light. We are still waiting to hear back about preschool, which she has her heart set on going. We celebrated Isaiah's birthday, to which Lego's have now been introduced to our household (dramatic sigh). I have to say I am thrilled to see Isaiah using his imagination, but those pieces are so tiny! Aria's birthday is coming up and she is thrilled! I think this is the first year she really understands what is going on. Last year, I was to sick to be able to do a party for her, so we are hoping things go better this year. She loves My Little Ponies and Strawberry Shortcake (the new ones), fairies and princesses. They are a bit different from what I grew up with. The My Little Ponies have a bit to much magic for my taste, but the Strawberry Shortcake is adorable! She is so girly in certain ways, but still will roll in the dirt with the best of them. My health still isn't where it needs to be, but I am praying this year I'll be able to get them both out on more play dates. They both have been so patient and sweet in not being able to really go anywhere, unless I have a doctor's appt, or the hospital. They have seen so much, too much, and I really hope this year is so much better for all of us. We really want to join a small group in church, but it's so hard to know where my health stands and I don't want to join, just to have to quit, yet MISS community! We heard a service this week on the importance of being in community and it plucked at my heart strings. I miss being with friends and just being silly and shooting the breeze! I think it make us better parents too. For now, I am trying my darndest to be in the moment and not think so far ahead. I was talking to a health worker that I go to, who is never seems to be happy with the weather or the gas prices, etc. Believe you me, I think we all need to vent, we all have our good and bad days. This guy is unique. I just looked at him and said, "after having my health take a dive, I'm just happy to be alive. There is always going to money and weather issues, but every day is a gift." I was surprised I even said it. I didn't want to make him feel bad, but even I need the reminder, we can't take a moment for granted. Even when the kids are not obeying, the medical bills keep on coming in, the car is making weird noises, this person is didn't live up to my expectations, etc.... Then you flip on the news and hear about the latest car accident, some person that is fighting for their life, the poverty, well you get the picture, and all of the sudden it hits me, I'm thankful to be alive. Every now and then I get a twang of wishing we could have had more children, especially the last few months, and I am quickly reminded of the two that are running around. I am blessed, they are enough. I still struggle each day with my health issues, some days I just break down from the lack of food and energy and just lose it. I wonder if I'll ever enjoy life again, and as I cry out to G-d, He sends a reminder in unique way each time. While watching so many of my friends be able to go on vacation, we have had to stay behind. It's been hard, as I'd love to take my kids up to the lake, go camping, or just travel, but for now we have to stay close to home. We were offered the opportunity to stay at my in-laws house to house sit! So I have now dubbed it, our "staycation!" Even though Seth is still working (at least he has a job!) it's just fun to pretend it's a hotel and hang out. It's just a nice change of pace. My kids love the library and Isaiah is trying hard to master his scooter, while Aria is practicing her bike tricks. They know I am slow, yet they are thrilled just have me cheer them on at each new bit of progress. I just love being included and when I am having a good day, to be able to participate. My new favorite thing? Errands! Sounds silly, I know, but for me, it's progress to be able to pick up my own prescription, or just picking up bread! It's the little things that make my day. It's going to be an adjustment for Isaiah being in school full time. I know he is ready, but it's all just happening so fast. I remember being a kid and always hearing my parents say, "enjoy where you are now, because before you know it, you have to grow up." Isn't that the truth? I find myself starting out sentences with "kids these days.." Oy. Yesterday, I had a busy day and I felt useful, Thank you Lord. I felt useful.... I encourage you to do what I struggle with, living in the moment. Try not to think about all that lies ahead, just be. That's my challenge for myself each day, but this week especially. The summer has flown by fast, so I am hoping to soak up some sunny rays and just chill out (gasp!). So, that is my update for now. I love boring!! The kids are playing are content just to play with us. Before long they'll be grown and have their own lives. It's amazing to hear what my 94 year old Grandmother loves to talk about, her kids being young. It never ceases to amaze me how much she remembers with quite the details (I wish I had known while I was growing up) and you can just see her light up. Her childhood and her kids childhood, interesting. I get overwhelmed with all the technology that we have to keep up with and sometimes I feel like things are just so complicated to make life easier? Oh well, I'm rambling. Today we had rain, with the sun playing peek a boo, it's just all so beautiful. It really is. We appreciate all of your support and please keep us in your prayers. I truly believe one of these days I am going to announce I'm better! Until then, please keep us in your prayers. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

He Said...

As you have noticed, I haven't updated in a while. Since my surgery, I have been dealing from a rough recovery. We can only speculate what has caused such a chain reaction of issues. I won't go into all that has been happening, it's not important at this point. What I do know is I have been trying my hardest to be present in the moment and push myself to do things, even when I am not feeling well. In that I was able to cheer Isaiah on at soccer camp, celebrate his 6th birthday, and play with the kids in the pool. Priceless. I really truly believe there is an unseen battle that we ourselves can't see between good and evil. I am still trying to come to grips with the saying that feelings aren't fact. Even then pushing a little further to G-d's truth is what I have to cling to, no matter how awful I feel. This, my dear friends, is something I am really struggling to learn and put into action. I know the stories, I have seen miracles, and yet, I can't understand why I am not yet healed. Since the surgery, my eating has dwindled down. I first attributed it to the disruption to my body and even the extreme heat. With all of the pain I have been experiencing, the doctor keeps on saying that I can't take pain meds and that I just have to go through it. So each day I have been trying to get dressed, put on my makeup, and show up when I can. Acupuncture has been a huge help for me. Unfortunately it is not covered by insurance, so I can't go any time I want. I have noticed the full feeling has returned. After eating it feels as though someone is stepping on my throat and it's hard to breathe. It's torture, I am so stinkin' hungry and yet I can't hardly eat. After dealing with this for about a week, I finally considered the fact that maybe the botox was helping more than I realized and that I need another round. I have been putting it off due to fact that is a toxin that is being put into my body. Not only do you have to be aware of the risks of the procedure, but also I have not done well with the recovery. My system is ultra sensitive to any new thing, and the last 2 times I have had botox, it's been a nightmare afterwards. So we had to look at the big picture. G-d heals people every day through medicine and maybe this is just what I have to do for now. We are scheduled to go to U of M tomorrow (this Friday) for another round. It's set for 10:45 for us to be there, so I am not sure when the actual procedure will take place. We are asking for very specific prayers. First, for safety driving, for the kids and their grandparents who are watching them, also that this procedure would bring the relief that I need with NO adverse reactions and that I would be able to safely eat again. We are also praying for peace, as I tend to get easily fearful and anxious. In the past, recovering from the anesthesia has been an on going issue, along with botox, is a great amount of pain/issues several days to a week afterwards. I tend to drop weight quickly and it's difficult for Seth and the kids to see. I am struggling. Still, I cling to knowledge of truth, that G-d is by my side. Even when I can't see Him or feel Him. I have a friend of mine who calls me the modern day Job. I wouldn't say I am blameless, as I have led a far from perfect life, but I do cling to what He said. We get often asked how we have made it through all that we have gone through, it is without a question, our faith in G-d. Some days my faith is weak and barely a speck, while others I feel as though I can feel Him next to me. Either way, I cling to what He has said, "Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you..." Even though some days, especially more frequently in the last year, I cry out to Him "Where Are YOU!?!" Why is all of this happening? Why would you take my children, bless me with more children, just to allow me to get sick? It's cruel! No answer comes, and I cry for a while. Then He tends to send people whether it be my Sethy, my kids, a friend, a family member, or even a stranger, and He seems to reveal Himself. It's not obvious, but it's a morsel for me to pick me up and help me get going for some more time. Lately I have been going to prayer gatherings and asking questions I have been to ashamed to ask, expressing feelings I am embarrassed to admit, and I have been received with love. It has been shocking on my part to watch everyone else lower there masks and reveal to me, that they too are struggling. It's hard for me to be vulnerable, yet, it's where I am at. It's in my DNA to not stuff things, I physically cannot do it. I have tried so hard to conform to "the right way" of how to express myself, and I just can't do it. G-d did not make me this way. I am learning that this is who G-d made me to be, and I that I bring something different to the table, and that's okay. We have been learning about spiritual warfare, and I feel that the enemy has my name at the top of his slithery list. How he loves to tangle me in his web of lies during each crisis that I face. I often now think of Shadrack, Meshach, and Abendigo, as they walked through the fire. I find myself asking the Lord, how many times do I have to walk through the fire? Or David, a man after G-d's own heart? I had just assumed that he had unwavering faith, only to learn, he too cried out. I don't know why all of this is happening, but I do know that without the belief of my Lord and all of the things He has said, then I have no hope. While it seems more time than not lately, I am being faced with so much opposition, I cry out and say "I still believe in you, even when I can't see or feel you. Even when I feel so low, you are still worthy to be praised." I am so thankful for those around me, who have stuck by our sides through out all of this, no matter how depressing things have gotten. I am so thankful for the words of encouragement that always seem to come on the days when I have run out. I am thankful that G-d works through people, even when they don't know it. He is the G-d of all hope. Even though each day I fail to live up to what I think I should be doing, I am reassured to know, He still loves me. Frankly if I was Him, I don't think I could handle all the rejections and demands that He endures on a second by second basis. Thankfully He is bigger, He stronger, and either way, He will get me through all of this. I am thankful He blesses us with people to go to when we have hit a wall, walked off the path, or just feel darkness. I truly believe He is going to heal me, no matter how long it takes. I won't stop believing that, I won't stop asking for prayer, because I believe He does this to draw us back to Him. I have been playing the radio a lot lately and there is a song that has hit me to the core, maybe you need to hear this too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=HZLsA8YP-6g

Please pray for me and my family over this next week especially. May you pray for peace, safety, healing, and that I could truly remember what He said....
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

Post Surgery

I apologize at the delay of this post, I haven't been well enough to write. I went ahead with the surgery and it has been pretty much a very difficult recovery. We don't know if it was the anesthesia, a nausea patch (if they offer it to you, say NO!) with horrible side effects, my already sensitive system being disrupted, a pinched nerve, or all of the above. I have had really awful side effects that have little relief. Most of of these issues can be remedied by NSAIDS, but I am not allowed to take them. Due to all of the pain, which listing off all areas would be a page in itself, I have had nausea that has been interrupting eating and has caused more weight loss. We tried some holistic methods which has helped a little. I finally tried a meditation thingy that my friend from the West Coast sent me, and that seemed to help as well. I declared to Seth, I am getting a yoga mat and I am determined to learn meditation/yoga. I know it sounds silly, but I find it so hard to clear my mind. The more I try to not think, the more thoughts pour in. I guess it's practice for me. I think Isaiah could benefit from this as well, since I have noticed he has my anxious tendencies. But for now, I have got to give it a try. I could go into an hour long rant of how hard this past week has been and every detail, but I'd rather not think about it anymore than I have to. The kids are loving the hot weather and are completely obsessed with fireworks, just like their Dad. I haven't hardly been able to think, talk, let alone leave the house this last week. We were blessed enough to have our super awesome parents and friends pitch in and take the kids each day. I am so grateful, I didn't want them to see me cry or curled up in a ball. Instead they spent their time pool hopping, sprinkler jumping, baking cookies, visiting a horse stable (Super impressed Chele!), and finally getting to play with some kids like kids should be able to. I have noticed all of this action has really bonded the kids together, not that they wouldn't sell each other for a cool toy like most kids would. To top that all off, Seth bought a box of sparklers that he lets them light off one every few days. It's warmed my heart to see them so happy to be with others and to be just having fun like they deserve. I can't wait for me to be feeling better so I can join in on the action. The last two nights I have been forcing myself to take a walk outside to help with the pain. As the sun was going down I noticed fireflies starting to spark. Isaiah and Aria tell me at least once a day, how they miss me being fun (talk about a punch in the gut) when we used to play together. One particular fire fly was hovering by our door and I put my arm out to see if it would land on me, and it did! Bugs love me for some odd reason. I cupped it in my hand and brought it into the house to show the kids. It cracks me up to see how interested Aria is with insects. She always wants to hold them, so I brought it in and set it on her hand. She was in total awe, but the bug wouldn't light up. Isaiah is very compassionate about any living being and is always worried it's going to die, so I suggested to take them out in the back yard to see all the fireflies lit up. This is my idea of spontaneity, letting the kids go outside in their jammies. They of course, squealed with glee and ran around while bouncing around. I kept on trying to point out the bugs, but I think they were more caught up with being out in the dark. I remember being at my grandparents house and they'd let us run outside in a field down the street. It wasn't huge, but we loved it. I thought about our field across the street and suggested that we let them run there to see all the bugs lighting up. I was a bit hesitant at first, but Seth reminded me how much fun they would have, even if for 5 minutes. He was right. They ran like crazy mice scurrying here and there in no time flat. I'm going to have to look for some glass jars so they can reap the rewards of their catch. Out of the whole awful week, that 20 minutes gave me some simplistic joy I had longed to be a part of. I had decided it had been way to long since I had laughed when the idea dawned on me to do something I never do, I can't believe I am even admitting it. I watched America's Funniest Home Videos. I haven't watched it in years, since Bob Saget was on. I laughed so hard. There were really only a few that made me laugh, but those couple made it worth it. When I am not feeling well, it's almost like a black hole. All the light gets sucked up into this deep abyss, so it was so nice to be able to enjoy that light and truly just to smile. I am trying hard to push myself out of my comfort zone, to promote healing. Each moment is a conscious battle to push beyond what I can do. All those years I had, taking for granted the everyday simplicities of doing laundry, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, the boring stuff. I just did it without thinking and it was boring, not hard. I keep on praying for the day when my health will be restored, I just cling to that hope, I have to. I am asking for some heavy duty prayers, that my health would be restored and that I could eat normally again, without any pain. Even though a year has passed since all of this has started, it's still very difficult for me and my family. Sometimes I feel as though we have been forgotten. Let's face it, out of sight, out of mind. I have fallen off the social radar and that has been very difficult for all of us. It made me that much more grateful to have the help from others, not just because of the kids, but also to remind me that I haven't been forgotten. I don't think I'll ever truly be able to express my gratitude to those of you who have reached out, even though it may seem that I may not notice, I really do. I am beyond grateful. I keep on thinking, Savior, You can move the mountain. My G-d is mighty to save, He is mighty to save. I am going to get better, I just have to. Watch, Pray, Believe, and be Amazed.