D Day

Yesterday was hard. I finally got to my gastro. study, where they watch your food and see how long it takes to digest. I actually almost cancelled it, thinking it was a waste of time and that maybe this whole thing was a virus. Thankfully I didn't. Last Wednesday night I started to have severe head pain, but thought nothing of it. By Thursday I had that feeling of sinus pressure all over my head and neck. My shoulders started to swell and I thought my head was going to blow up! I'm in no way exaggerating. Called the doc who approved IB Pro. (due to having my scope and a polyp removed they originally advised against it) and said to go ahead and hopefully it would bring the inflammation down. Ummm, no, it didn't. This went on for DAYS! It would get better, but by night blow up again. Between my chiro. and doc. I was finally able to get it down to bearable by yesterday. They thought it might be a combo of a migraine/tension headache with jaw clenching. My eyes kept on feeling like they were crossing and I was having trouble even writing! When I say those words, they can not capture the pain, it sounds so mamby pamby, but I am telling you, I thought I was going to see the Lord! So by the time the gastro. study rolled around I figured, eh, why pay more $? Then like clock work my side pain returned the night before, and I breathed a sigh of relief that I hadn't cancelled it. So Wed. came and in I went. I figured eat some radioactive eggs watch some TV or take a nap while they scanned me for an hour and a half. Piece of cake right? No, not in Kelly land. My Mom always said I had to always take the difficult route. After laying on the table for an hour, I felt eggs sitting in my throat. In my mind I am thinking, yeah, this isn't good. Sure enough a few minutes later the nuclear med. tech informs me my stomach has barely digested anything and by now 1/2 to 90% should have been gone. She then went on to say that she needed to give me a med. that should speed up the digestion. As soon as she said Regulan, I knew I was in trouble. I informed her of my acute med. sensitivity and high anxiety. For some reason, when I tell most medical prof. this, they don't seem to take me seriously. She assured me no one has had a reaction but that I could call my MIL if that made me feel better. So I called Seth's Mom and asked her what she thought. She too, wasn't sure what to do, but told me to err on the side of caution. I decided I had gone this far and I didn't want to look like a wuss. I should have listened. As the pump is injecting me with the med over the course of 10 minutes I prayed and breathed through it. I even thought it was done and was pretty excited that I had made it through and all was well! WRONG! It hit me. I began to sweat, get nauseated, have that I need to get to the bathroom NOW, and jump off the table while screaming down the hall "NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Okay, so I didn't do the last part, but I thought it! I then let the tech know I wasn't feeling well. All the while she is trying to convince me that I only have 20 minutes till I finish. I tried so hard and than thought, I don't care if this test cost one million dollars, I have got to get out of here! I then told her again and she got a look of panic in her eyes. She quickly got the machine pulled back and asked what she could do, should she get a hold of my husband? I have never had to have them use my emergency contact, till yesterday. She brought a nurse and doctor in to assess me. I felt like a gerbil in a cage, trying to get somewhere, but getting nowhere. All the while everyone staring at me with a "what in the world is she doing?" look. I began to pace, gag, sweat, etc. You get the picture. All the while the tech is apologizing for convincing me to take the med. I assured her it was okay, that is was my fault. The doctor asked me how I felt and all I could say was HOT! It's so hot! He says "no it isn't." Sigh. So there I am, pacing up and down the halls gagging while saying bible verses out loud and calling on the Lord Himself to make this stop. Good bye pride! By the time Seth got to me, I finally took a med to help me calm down, although it barely made a dent. I just told him I had to get home and watch Joyce Meyer (I have no idea how she calms me down, but she does) and get in a dark room with AC. The tech tried to keep me there to be assessed again and I declined. I knew where I had to go. Seth knew what to do and quickly grabbed my arm and helped me to the car. On the way home, I just wanted to jump out at every stop light and run! I felt so jittery, like I had drank 5 pots of caffeinated coffee and someone choking my air way. We got home and without having to say much, Seth and my favorite Mother in Law grabbed the kids and left me to my Joyce. I paced and paced, all the while trying to sit down, and back up again. It must have been quite the sight. Seth called the doc and asked if I could take some more meds and they approved, then finally the relief came. I awoke hours later, still feeling jittery, weird, and embarrassed. It was a rough night. I was informed I'd get the test results next week only to be awoken by the phone this morning. It was confirmed that I have gastroparesis. I know, leave it to me to have something weird. Basically what this means is that the nerve in my stomach is damaged and doesn't work properly, so my food takes a long time to digest. The two meds they normally have you take, I can't. Depending on how bad it gets, sometimes you get a pace maker for your stomach. I did the mistake of getting on line and read story after story of how this radically changes yours and your family's lives. The lack of energy, the risk of dehydration, and malnutrition due to not eating proper foods and having blockages are in the mix. I started to cry. I know I should be grateful it isn't something worse, but it's a lot to take in. I don't know where to begin and on top of that, the Gastro. can't see me till the middle of September. The diet is very vague and when you hit the wrong thing, you pay for it, for days. It sounds so mundane, but I can't even explain the fear of any time I take a bite, what is it going to do. No more nuts, seeds, popcorn, raw foods, whole grains, all the yummyliscious things I so love. Food aside, I miss being able to have the energy to do the regular everyday things. I want to go to the park, the store, mow my lawn without any effort. I want to play with the kids all their silly imagination stories and act them out, but I can't. I was blessed enough this week to sit through a whole church service, go to the store once, and see my friends at our study, but that was like a marathon. So I am calling on all of you to send up some heavy duty prayers for miraculous healing or at least a mild version of this. I am trying to fully trust that G-d can do this, but you know how our human feeble minds think. So I am asking for a few minutes of your time, whenever you can, that G-d would restore me, that my stomach would begin to work normally, my head and neck pain would go away, and that the anxiety would take a long walk off a short pier and never return. I am a fighter, I will not give up, but I do need help. In all of this frustration and panic I am seeing G-d everywhere. We have so many people who love us and are doing their best to support us, and I feel so blessed. I am thankful that I can do the simple things in life, like walk, talk, and even type. Satan may inflict me, but G-d's love, peace, and hope are stronger. Each day is a blessing. I want to grow old and see my great grand children, I want to have joy and peace (my middle names!) in even my suffering. I am a survivor and with G-d at my side, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I may have to ask for help, but that is what G-d created us to do. When I am at my weakest, He makes me be strong. Watch, Pray, Believe, and be Amazed. May I bring glory to G-d even in my toughest of days.

Waiting on the Lord

Usually I am quick to "spill the beans" on all that is going on. Due to fatigue and plain old confusion, I have decided to keep some of my beans. I am a control freak and having all of this stuff with my health happen has brought me to my knees in the knowledge, I am not in control. I have taken my health for granted. I have always had problems with my ears and some fatigue, but nothing like this. I have never really thanked the Lord for the actual ability to eat. I mean, unless you have no food, you don't ever really think about not physically being able to eat. On top of that, eating is my hobby. Maybe it's my lack of hearing that heightens my taste buds and my super sniffing nose? All I can say, is if my kids ever try to smoke or drink, they won't be able to get past my sniffer! I have a very limited diet and even then sometimes my body rejects things that it ate. There is a fear with each bite of how is this going to affect me later, since the results are rarely immediate. Instead they come in late hours of the night to sweating, nausea, and pain. It makes childbirth and the stomach flu look tame. So we wait. I have been watching Joyce Meyer and am doing a study about Esther with Beth Moore. I hardly have the energy to leave the house, so the timing couldn't be more perfect. I am learning and believing that this is all for a greater purpose. In my negative thinking I want to shout out "haven't you refined me enough? Am I that stupid that I keep on needing to go through all these life altering situations!?" Then I have the reminders of verses that say to offer up prayers of thanksgiving and then ask for your requests. I always thought it was kind of odd, I mean, isn't that like kissing up to get what you want? I am now realizing why. Even in your deepest struggles, when you offer your praise, you can really see all the good that is really happening, instead of the negative. It's humbling. Sure my pain and suffering has been great, both in the past and now, but then when I really look, I see more good than bad. In tough situations, you learn in depth who is there to really love you. I have been pretty upset about how much all these procedures are costing us and worried about the huge debt that this will incur. We don't qualify for program assistance since we are literally are just above the cut off point. So yesterday as I am lying in my scan I found myself thinking of how many things I could have done with the $1,300 that I had to spend on this one test. On top of the that, the many tests that are going to follow after. As I was laying there I began to think how blessed I am to live in a country that has medical care. In a third world country, someone with my symptoms probably would have already died or been left to die. I have some medication to subside some of the symptoms, there are people that can't even get access to even one. I have the full usage of my legs and arms, I can see with my glasses, and even though my hearing aids are over 10 years old, they help me hear. With my scope, I got a polyp removed and it was benign! My stomach looked clear with no ulcers. When I first got the news, I was happy, but then immediately got frustrated to, now what is it? How many tests? How long do I have to live with this? Instead of praising G-d for the fact that my stomach on the inside looked good, I complained. Now, I also am a person that feels I will not put on a smiley face to pretend everything is okay when it's not. I believe in our suffering, we help others. By being honest we can make others feel not so lonely, or even more grateful for what they do have. So I am trying to find that balance of truly being honest in what is going on, while having having hope and gratefulness to G-d who deserves praise for every good thing that happens. I was reading my Esther study and I wanted to share something with you. I am at the part where Mordacai is pleading with Esther to save her people and she has to decide whether to put her own neck on the line. In this Day, Beth is addressing facing our worst fears.

Here is what she says "We talked about how the enemy and our own self-destructive natures combine to taunt us with "what if's." Once we are in Christ, Satan has no authority to destroy us, so he settles for the next best thing: threatening to destroy us...... To the devil the irony is delicious: Our distrust of G-d tattles on us, telling our enemy exactly how to get us...... Our bony index fingers pointing at out vulnerabilities. Once Satan sees what we believe would be the end of us, he threatens and torments us with it... Our human defense is to grovel before G-d and plead with Him not to let those things happen. Our conditional trust not only makes us an open target for enemy torment: it also positions us as negotiators and beggars before G-d instead of secure children who trust their lives to their faithful Father. Those times when our fears become reality we feel devastated (Been THERE!) We think G-d is unfaithful, and Satan essentially gets what he wants-us to believe that our life is over.... I'm a huge proponent of praying against what we fear and for the desires of our hearts. I also believe that we're free and safe to voice our worst nightmares to G-d. In times of crisis and demonic attack, however, our vulnerable souls need something more. The most critical breakthrough of faith you and I could ever experience is to let G-d bring us to a place where we trust Him-period. We don't just trust Him to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us." Beth Moore (Esther)

I have often struggled with people just telling me to trust G-d, that everything will be okay. In my mind I am thinking, you have all your children living at home with you, you don't go to the cemetery for any of their birthdays. Eli and Aurora died. Or seeing cases like little Caylee Anthony whose Mother literally threw her little girl out like trash and is now walking free. I struggle with people who can easily have children and abuse them, because they never wanted them in the first place when there are those who would do anything to just have one! The list goes on. I have tried and tried to understand the reasons and it makes it easy to doubt that G-d's plan is perfect when you hear stories like this. Perfect? But where is the justice in the child who has cancer? My children not having kidney's? Then I find the doubt spinning into fear as I clutch on to those that I love so much, that I don't realize I am squeezing the life out of them! In the end, His justice will prevail. He knows and I don't, bottom line. In every terrible thing that happens, good happens out of it. Love wins. One itty bitty light can light up a dark room. Just like evil, sometimes all we see is the darkness, but if you see something good, the light will outshine the darkness. I often think of how unfair it was that Aurora and Eli died. Yet, in the grand scheme of things, their short live brought more good that I probably will ever understand. G-d's glory shined through them. Seth and I still being together, His glory shines in our marriage. Having Aria and Isaiah when we were advised never to have kids again, G-d's hand was seen, undeniably. So I will with thanksgiving send up my prayers and requests and surrender to His Majesty. Maybe I'll come out of this finding it is I am not eating enough fish oil (I could only hope!) or maybe it will be something far worse. Either way, He is the only one that will know and I have to release that to Him. This doesn't mean I won't voice my concerns and ask for help, after all, He created us for community, and where there are great numbers, there is great power. So as I sit here on the couch slowly moving around, praying for healing, while waiting for answers, I surrender. We don't know what each day holds for us, but even in my honesty, I can express my thankfulness that G-d created me to be who I am. I am a nervous Nelly Kelly, control freak, who feels things with such deep passion, that I get myself into trouble. I say what is on my mind and I have a loyalty to those that I care for that goes deeper than the ocean. I fret, but I choose to seek and believe in Him, even if it is with deep guttural cries or contagious laughter. So as always, I ask for your continued prayers that G-d would fully heal and restore me. Please pray that the doctors would have the wisdom to help me and that I would come out of this feeling renewed. As I have said before, let us watch, pray, believe, and be amazed. Oh Ancient of Days, may you show favor on us and restore us.

Thoughts

So tomorrow is the big day that I have been waiting for. I have my scope in the afternoon and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all week. I feel like I am wrestling with myself. I have found myself reflecting on my whole life and what is to come. This whole thing with our economy tanking is a side thought. Normally I'd be freaking out and trying to figure out what is going on. This time, I leave it to G-d. I haven't really felt this way since Elijah died. This whole thing with my health has reminded me how limited my control really is, yet how big G-d is. I admit it, normally I am a complainer. I am a justice seeker with a twist of passion, so naturally it bothers me when things aren't fair. At this point, I no longer look at what is fair, but what is good. I'm not going to lie and say that I am not scared or worried, it's just, different. Just reading the headlines is pretty sad. Everyone is so worried about money and what they "deserve." Yet you look at Texas and Africa and the severe droughts and how people and animals are starving to death. All of the sudden, not getting what I want seems so pointless. Aria has her birthday coming up, and we were trying to think of what to do. I just looked at Seth and said, all that really matters is that we are together as a family, together. Aria would just be happy to eat a sweet and play around and see everyone smiling. So I threw out the idea of a theme and I am just letting it be. This is pretty big for me as I am hugely OCD in making everything match. It all seems so silly. She has more toys than any child in a third world could ever imagine, besides, she just loves to play. I remember when Seth and I first got married and went on to our honeymoon, we promised each other on our 10th anniversary that we'd do it again. Last year, we celebrated our ten years with a smile that we'd made it. We didn't go on the trip and I felt a tinge of regret that we couldn't do anything. Now as we approach our 11th, all I can think is, as long as we are together, it doesn't matter. So what if our van rattles, our car door is about to fall off, we have one bathroom, and tiny kitchen, so what! I have obsessed for years and wasted my time in not enjoying that we have a kitchen, at least we have a bathroom, we have 2 vehicles!! Yes, I wouldn't be human if things in life didn't irk me, but really, I should have been focusing on all that I have been blessed with, instead of what I thought I deserved. We live in a fallen world, so technically if we have more good days than bad, we should be dancing our socks off in praise to the Lord, instead of grumbling. My anxiety hasn't been this high since Elijah was sick. I can't help but think about the procedure and the what if's. More than anything I told Seth last night, I feel like a coward. I remember after our kids passed not being afraid of death. In fact, I wanted to go with them. Why should I be afraid? If I die, I get to go to Heaven, be with my kids and dwell in the house of our Lord forever! Yet I can't shake, but what if I don't get in? Not to mention the process of death itself. We have been at it's bedside many times, and it wasn't pretty. Not to mention the selfish side of me, of maybe my kids not remembering who I was, except an cranky Mom who didn't play well. I am afraid of being forgotten. Or if I am remembered, would it be for good things? I told Seth if he remarries, she isn'a allowed to be buried with us. He just rolls his eyes at me. Stupid and selfish, I know. This life isn't about me. I know some people might have the same symptoms as me and not even think twice about each lab result or procedure. Maybe I am dramatic? I guess I have learned we aren't exempt from anything. I am hoping to get this procedure done and them say, "well duh! This is the issue, all you have to do is..." And then I come back giving the results while maybe someone might be thinking, man she worked herself up for nothing. Yes, I hope that is what happens. I have found myself staring at the kids and just feeling the tears roll down my cheeks to see how beautiful and articulate they really are. How we almost didn't have them out of fear that they might get have BOR syndrome. G-d blessed us. They almost remind me of balls of light, such light encircles their every movement as they delve into excitement for each little act of play that they do. They laugh from their bellies, just like me, it's contagious. My husbands cares for my every single need trying to make me feel as comfortable as possible, no matter how tired he is. Our parents have rescued us on so many occasions when I haven't been able to get out of bed. Our friends and family call and leave messages just to check up on me, to see if I need anything, or to feed my family. All I can do, is rejoice in their sweetness and as for prayers. Last night I had severe pain that came on quickly, it has stayed on, of course I prayed. In the pain I am trying to find something good, I have never done this before. At heart I am a fighter, but have grown so weak that it hasn't been in me. So I have laid down and handed the fight to my Lord and decided to rest in His shelter. He will take care of me, 24 hours from now, hopefully I will have good answers that will have me on the road to recovery. I praying that the Lord will continue to bless me with the sight of all that is good. I am praying for total healing and peace. I am praying for deep faith. I am praying I don't run out of the procedure room screaming "don't give me medicine!!! running down the street like a crazy lady, with no pants on!" So right now if you find yourself dealing with difficult children, a grumpy spouse, a huge slew of bills, anger, depression, whatever it be, I encourage you to lift your hands to G-d and talk with Him, but also thank Him for all the things you never think of like running water, shelter, clothes.... Also if you could say a prayer for me, that I would feel nothing but peace and I'd come out of this unscathed. Also if you could say a prayer for a friend of mine, who is waiting to find out if the little girl that they adopted has leukemia. Another prayer for a couple friend of ours, whose husband is battling cancer and is going in for another round of chemo on Thursday. Prayers are heard and are necessary. Maybe you are like me and feel you don't add much to the world, you can do something drastic just praying for others. May you see the beauty in each day, the beauty in each smile you see, the tastiness in each bite you eat, the joy in just being alive. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed, because G-d made you special.

Maine and some other stuff

I decided to take a while to write this post, as I have been so physically drained. I might make it a two parter since my mind function isn't quite up to par. As we last left it, we made the decision to go to Maine. In all of my health issues, among other issues, I threw my hands up and said "Lord if you want us to go, You are going to have to get this all together. I've got nothing left, it's up to You." Never have I had a response so deep and clear, as the hand of G-d moved everything and anything and got us to be able to go. We were thrilled as little by little, each problem got solved without me having to work on it for hours. My health is still a bit rattly, but with great determination and the recognition that the Lord wanted us out there, was much too great. We actually didn't even pack till the last moment, because that's how on the fence we were. So we piled into the car with two little kids for 12 hour day trips for 2 days in a row. The kids actually did really well. They got into a couple of tizzies, but really did awesome. The driving went beyond smooth and the weather while hot, was fine. In New York we decided to stop at a hotel to sleep. We had contemplated trying to drive 24 hours in one day, but realized that it would do more harm than good. The kids were thrilled to go to the hotel and even got to go for a small dip in the pool before it closed. We were bummed that the pool closed so early and opened so late, but the kids were satisfied with their 20 minute dip (Praise the Lord!) in the pool. Aria actually started to doggy paddle on her own while Isaiah clung to Seth for dear life. It was quite a sight. We all went up to the room and got them bathed and ready for bed. The kids were still raring to go, but Seth insisted it was time for them to sleep. Then it hit. All my sickness came back with a vengeance. I found myself in horrible pain/nausea/and panic. It went all night long. I tried the anti nausea med Zofran and it barely made a dent. I sat there contemplating do we go to the hospital as it felt like my insides were going to burst open as I suffocated on the floor. I am telling you, this is no exaggeration, in fact, I am leaving some details out to save face. But you get it? It's bad. I was begging the Lord to lift this sickness and contemplating what kind of an idiot goes on vacation knowing how sick they've been. All I could do was think of Seth's grand parents, seeing the extended family, and of course, the bonding with his immediate family and the kids too! I sometimes wonder if some of my nephews even knew my name! The night time was an eternity. When morning finally came, Seth awoken to me, pasty white and shaking. We got a hold of the gastro. who prescribed another anti nausea and I took the meds, asked for prayers, and got back on the road. Pain meds just don't even cut it, so I don't even bother. Seth kept on looking at me and asked if we should turn around, but I just told him to drive, we had to go! I slept a good portion of the trip. I never sleep in the car, but the med finally knocked me out enough to let my worn out body sleep. The kids chitter chattered about seeing their cousins with excitement in their voices. Seth was worried about me, but you could tell, he was thrilled to be going. Again, by the hand of our Lord Almighty, He answered the many prayers I had requested, and got me there. By the time we entered Maine it was dark. When all of the sudden in the pitch black, I look ahead to see something lying in the road. Before I could say word, we hit it and went a bit air borne. One huge full sized intact tire almost threw us off the road and into a ravine. Our mouths dropped open since we knew, what almost could have happened. I called 911 right away to get them to get the tire out of the way in case someone else hit it. We noticed they have a lot of motorcycle riders who don't wear helmets, who if they hit it, probably wouldn't survive. I was shocked that they responded so quickly and the state trooper cleared it out and called to check up on us to make sure that we were all right. They were so, nice! In fact every person we met in Maine, was nice! They were friendly and helpful and it was quite refreshing. To me, every one seemed a little more slowed down. It didn't seem so fast paced, and rush rush here or there. Things were much more basic, but it was actually quite relaxing. I often feel pressured through the media, that I am not enough or too much. Here, I just felt like I could be in the moment. We got to the house and Seth's family welcomed us with open empathetic arms. They made sure I had a room by a bathroom and a walk out, in case I had a panic attack (I tend to pace). I was so moved that they were that considerate, I felt so much more at ease. I would love to give you every lovely detail and maybe I'll save that for another post, but I get easily winded now, so I am typing the best I can. I did get sick a couple of times there, but everyone allowed me the space to do what I needed to do. One night I thought we'd have to go to the hospital, as I felt like I had literally gone to hell. The whole night was terribly frightening and all I could do was pray as everyone slept. I thought about going but figured it'd be more hassle than help. By morning I was able to clean myself up and get back to the trip. It was so weird how intense it was, and then it just eased by the grace of G-d. My dream came true, we got to see all the family, including Gram and Gramp, to be able to spend time with them and just enjoy ourselves. It was a little difficult at times, as my hearing aids are so old that they don't filter out the noise you want to hear, so I missed out on some conversations. Still, I got to sit in the company of them and that was enough for me. We got to have some alone time with Gram and Gramp. Gram cried as she told me how she had been praying we'd be able to come out which got me crying. She showed me the family blanket she has, where all our names are on it with fabric apples. She showed me that Aurora and Elijah's had little crowns on theirs and I started to cry, I was so happy. I wanted to stay many more hours, but we had to get to a cousin's wedding. Maine is beautiful, the homes, the scenery, it all was so calming. My dream of bonding with Seth's immediate family came true. I have never felt so close to them before, until the trip. The kids played nicely, and I never felt lonely. I wasn't alone. We had some great laughs over good card games, constant stories flying left and right, it just felt Heavenly. On the days I didn't feel well, I'd go into my room and cry in frustration. I was so mad at my body for not cooperating, but then I'd dust myself off and go join everyone else. A hard part was the eating. I never realized how much of my joy revolves around the meal times. While everyone munched away, I'd try to keep busy or go somewhere else as I was so hungry. I found I could safely eat 1 meal and 1 snack a day and stop eating after 5 PM. I so badly wanted to scarf down the food and join in on the chatter, but was so worried I might grab someones plate and run with it, and scarf it down with the ferociousness of a lion. So to save face, I just went elsewhere. The food created a lot of anxiety for me. I am now on a gluten and dairy free diet, along with no spices, or acidity. So that doesn't leave room for much. I know there is food, but once you've become accustomed to a certain way of eating, it's pretty hard to kick it. Still I wouldn't trade the trip for anything. I got to know my nieces and nephews (they do know my name!) and the rest of the family in a way I haven't. I just fell in love with everybody. I felt like I belonged. It was healing. The kids were thrilled with their cousins. Anytime we had to go somewhere else, they begged to go back to their cousins. Like I said, a dream come true. There is so much more I have to say, but I am getting tired. When we packed up to leave, I had another bout and we knew we had to go home. I was getting sick again and I didn't want to risk having to stay in a hospital in Maine for an extended period of time. When we left, as I looked at Seth's Mom we both started to cry. I kind of felt like a kid who had just gone to camp and now had to say goodbye. To tell you the truth we got home a week ago, and I still am lonely and missing them. My wonderful family. G-d wanted us to be there for so many reasons, and I am so glad we listened. Since coming home, I have lost more weight. I am easily winded and having several more health issues. It's starting to affect my breathing (not just in panic) and my whole digestive system. You know me, I am an open book! I started getting signs that my kidneys looked like they were shutting down, so they had me come in right a way. The lab work came back indicating that due to my rapid weight loss, my body has begun to "eat itself" and has gone into starvation mode. If you were to bump into me, you might think I look pretty good, but losing as much weight as I have in the amount of time that I have is very dangerous. They still don't know what is causing it and everyone is "puzzled." Yay, just what I want to hear. I don't know what it is with me, that so many things that happens to us are so unusual. Several people have told me to start playing the lottery with our odds, but with the whole $20 we tried, we couldn't even win a dollar!! So apparently it's not that type of a lottery. The last few days I have started to forced feed myself. It's pretty hard to do, but I believe it's necessary to survive. My heart beats so fast now, and that concerns me. The doctors are concerned as well, but not enough to put me in the hospital. I just don't get it. So I am set to have the scope on Wednesday of this week. I have already begun to have multiple panic attacks in the middle of the night. Last night Seth sat up with me till 1 AM playing cards with me. I told him if he won he could go to bed, when sweetly he replied "I'm not going to bed till you are ready for me to go." What a sweet heart. I am trying hard to force myself to go out on mini excursions, whether it be to the back yard, or hopefully soon, the store, or maybe mowing the lawn. I really miss being with people, doing normal things, but I have been so worried that I might get sick and have to embarrassingly need to leave the table. I am believing that G-d will heal me from this, but in the mean time I am hanging on to hope and prayers. My poor kids just sit and watch a lot of TV and ask if I am feeling better yet. So I am now forcing myself to eat and drink in the hopes a smidgen of my energy might come back. I hate feeling like a burden. I feel like we have already been through so much and this should be the time where we go and help others, not us needing help, again. The anxiety of the scope is messing with me presently. I am afraid of the medicine that it might make me panic. Medicine is so tricky with me now. That and not being able to eat. I have to stop eating so early and then my scope is at 2 in the afternoon and I am hypoglycemic, so I get sick without the protein. I don't know how this is going to work. I can't put it off, as they already had me book out into September. I am truly praying they find some easy fix and that it isn't life threatening. I want to watch my kids grow old, I want to grow old with Seth and see what he looks like in suspenders and a bow tie! I want to write a book, I want to love on people, I want to have deep fellowship with G-d and others. I want to find peace and joy in all that I do. Funny that those two things are my middle name. I met with our Chiropractor whose mouth dropped when she saw me. My coloring is off and my pants kept sliding down, my face is broke out. I look like a train wreck. I told her what the doctors are doing and she was floored that they weren't doing more. It was nice to feel that she got it, she could see I am really sick, and I don't know why. Still I will choose to trust G-d and call on all my prayer warriors as I am a huge proponent of prayer. My pride is out the window and I want to live. So please pray that I'd be miraculously healed, or if it be by medicine that this would be easily fixed, pray for energy and the ability to eat. Right now 2 dear friends of ours who are going through cancer and it's really scarey to see the suffering. I know each day is a gift and we must not take one day for granted. Who cares about money, in the end, it's G-d, our family, and our friends that truly matter. Forgive me if my typing is bad, I am pooped out for now. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed, and love all those around you and be grateful for this day. This is the day that the Lord has made, Let us REJOICE, and be glad in it. May you be blessed.