A Dream

The sun is out and it is another glorious day! I know it is only February and there is probably more snow on the horizon, but I love it when we get glimpses of spring (my favorite season!). Something about the sun being out, it just helps you wake up in a great mood and seems to give me the energy I sometimes lack. I'll first start with a quick update on the kids. They are doing great! I think they both have grown a couple of inches and they seem to be losing their baby chubbiness:( The other day, I put Aria in a shirt and jeans. Her hair is getting quite long, and I left it down. From a distance, I felt like I got to catch a glimpse of what she might look like when she gets older. It kind of freaked me out how grown up she looked. They both are growing so fast. When we sit at the table to eat, they now tell knock knock jokes. Aria's favorite is "Knock knock, whose there? Orange? Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say b'nana!" They both start laughing uncontrollably as they repeat it over and over again. I can't help but laugh, even hearing it for the 12th time that day. There's another one Isaiah says with soup, but I have no idea what he says at the end. They both think it is hysterical, so that is all that counts. Isaiah has been approved for regular ole kindergarten. They said they'll check on him from time to time, but don't see the need for special needs services any longer. I am really excited, but a little wary, so we are carefully investigating everything to make sure he is prepared. We have to constantly coach him in social situations and each time he seems to be picking up on things quicker, for that we praise the Lord! He is very excited and is still very interested in animals of all kinds, though he still favors the arctic animals. Aria can now identify all the planets and loves using Isaiah's old flash cards. It is hilarious because if she doesn't remember one, she'll snatch the card and read the back of it, then give me an answer. She loves to dress up and seems to be very girly with a hint of dynamite. Her vocabulary is expanding every day and she surprises me with a "I ha' no idea?" when I ask her where something is. The biggest thing we have been working on is forgiveness. They love to play together, which always leads to somebody getting into a tiff. You'll here, "I sorry Saya, do you fo'give me?" And he'll reply back. A couple of times Isaiah has asked her for forgiveness and in the sassiest tone you have ever heard she'll say, "NO SAYA, I NOT FO'GIVE YOU!" Isaiah gets all in a tizzy and demands that she accept his apology and the whole thing escalates only to find a couple of minutes later them playing happily. I'm telling you, adults can really learn from kids. They are quick to anger, but quick to forgive, and they never really seem to remember what they were mad about. G-d has been showing me so much, just by observing my little ones. Aria is still quite assertive, but very into learning everything. She loves to watch me do something, and picks it up in no time. Isaiah still likes to learn on his own. They are both so very different. As for Aria's blood test, we did get a call back from the doctor's office and they found that her blood cells were abnormally shaped? They have requested a redraw and I think we are going to do it sometime this week or early next. So that's about it there. As for me, it's been an interesting journey. I haven't slept well since July. Ever since I was a kid I commonly have nightmares, most involve snakes, tornado's, falling off of bridges, being eaten by a shark, and my least favorite, losing teeth. Most of the time I have them when turmoil is in my life. Dreams for me reflect a pretty good portion of how I am feeling. Last night I had a very interesting one. I am writing this mainly for my records as it's spoke volumes to me. It was kind of weird because most dreams fade by the minute from the time you wake up, this one seemed to be magnified each hour that I thought about it. Seth and I were driving to the beach. When we got there is was a huge beach with lots of access, something not to common in MI. I was surprised as it was so inviting, but noticed that the waves were huge and it wasn't safe. I found myself still tempted to want to go in, but realized that I shouldn't go in, in fact I shouldn't even stay and watch. I found myself feeling kind of sad, as I found such familiarity and comfort in the beach, yet I knew it would only end in something bad happening. I looked to Seth and without saying a word we prepared to leave. I realized we were driving and the car was driving in the sand. I remember thinking it was strange that as we drove away the car didn't get stuck in the sand, in fact it actually drove perfectly smoothly as if we were on a paved road. I am pretty sure the car was representation of G-d's protection. We drove away with a feeling of sadness, but completely unscathed. When I woke up, I found myself thinking about the dream more and more and then I think I got it. Some I will keep to myself, but the good portion of it I will share. So much of my life is done out of habit, whether it be healthy or not healthy. Often I respond out of what seems right at the time without thinking about the full picture. I felt as though it was showing me I was becoming more and more cautious. That even though something looked inviting, it might not necessarily be safe. I have been praying every day for G-d to give me wisdom and understanding and I feel He is truly answering my prayers. He is freeing me from bondage that has so held me down and controlled my life. I still feel the urges to do what I used to do, on a minute by minute basis, only now, I feel that He is helping me have much more self control. I have even noticed it in my parenting. Usually when the kids would do something that bothered me, I would just react right away in anger or frustration. Now when they spaz out, I find myself taking a deep breath (still frustrated under the surface) and being able to calmly handle the situation. Isaiah has really responded to this and it has really improved our relationship by leaps and bounds. I find myself being able to be more playful and yet still being the parent in the situation. The best part is now with money. We used to walk into a store and buy this or that and walk out wondering how on earth we just spent $50 on two bags of stuff. Now I know I can't go to the mall or a store and just wander around. I have to have a list, and if I don't have one, I don't go. I wouldn't say the urges aren't still there. I so badly want to paint the rooms in our house or replace this or that, but instead I know right now I can't. The funny thing is, I'm not too bothered by it. The other thing I am learning about is being happy for others. I have two terrible buddies called jealousy and envy, that like to show up whenever I least expect it. It isn't that I don't like seeing good things happen to other people, it's just that I want it too! Since then I have been confronted with a couple of situations where I wanted to go there. As soon as I started to think, well I want that and.... I felt something inside of me say, "ahem, you are doing it again, is this really how you want to respond?" I must say, I literally felt like I was in a wrestling match with my soul. I called Seth and started to cry "why am I doing this?" He reminded me I needed to go and pray. Normally I would have seen it as a cop out answer, but immediately I knew he was right. He prayed with me and I started to calm down. I was more upset about feeling the way I was feeling than the actual situation at hand. With G-d's grace in a matter of a few hours I was actually able to feel great, not only for the people, but also content for what we have been so fortunate to be blessed with. After it was said and done, I felt so silly to think I ever even really had those thoughts. I am really finding that if you seek G-d, He truly answers. Sometimes in ways you'd hope for and some not, either way, He is with me. I am taking off the veil of fear and it is an amazing feeling. Less and less I am feeling that if something good is happening that something bad is on the horizon. Instead I am learning to just be happy when I feel happy and nothing more than that. I felt like I have walked around with a storm cloud over my head for so long that I might as well have been named Stormy smurf! Now, I feel the sunshine on my face and even when it starts to storm, I have an umbrella to protect me. All these years I thought I was so smart, only to find pride. He is restoring my broken self moment by moment and I am starting to feel what it feels like to be whole.

"Choose my knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her." Proverbs 8:10-11