Confessions

I'll just do a quick recap of what is going on and then get to it. Aria has been running a weird 99.5 low grade fever since December. It went away for a short time but then returned. With a doctor's request, we went and got her blood drawn. At first we got an all clear and then about 2 weeks later, I guess the doctor looked at it again (or forgot, I don't know) and saw they were abnormally shaped. I was a little bit worried, but decided it wasn't that big of a deal. Seth actually was the one that insisted we get it done. So last Friday we went again. Aria freaked as soon as she figured where we were and was in foul mood for the rest of the day. I felt so guilty for putting her through it, as I already had it made up in my mind, it was unnecessary. Aria has been falling repeatedly, sometimes for no reason. She'll be standing in one place and unexpectedly fall. We checked her ears (we have an otoscope) and they look clear. Due to all of the falling, she has been bruising quite easily. I am anemic, no matter how many iron supplements or iron rich food I eat, I am always anemic. My OB had me taking so much iron to get ready for my c-sections (since you lose so much blood) and threatened not delivering until it was high enough. I took all the supplements and I was STILL low. I think he came to the conclusion, it's just how I am. Well, now Isaiah and Aria are on the high side of anemia (thanks to their supplements) so it's just the way we are wired. I ended up forgetting about the results as I was distracted with other things. When on Monday night we got the call. We spoke with nurse who relayed the info. about consulting a specialist as they had never seen results like this before. Yay. I don't know what it is about us, but we seem to have these "rare, weird, and fluke" things happen, and well it annoys me. We know it is her red cells and thankfully not the white. I didn't know much and tried not to get on the internet as it tends to freak me out, and why go there if you don't have to. They were considering sickle cell anemia, but this rarely affects white people. They did rule this out last night. As soon as I spoke with the nurse and the tone in her voice my body went weak. My thoughts were going all over the place and I had no rationality what so ever. My mountain top attitude when straight to the miry clay and I cried. Here I was so proud of myself for not jumping to conclusions and making a huge deal and the one time I didn't prepare myself and BAM! I immediately thought, if G-d chastens those that He loves, He must really love me, but in a sarcastic tone. In haste I quickly posted prayer requests. I figured I couldn't pray, so I would have others do it for me. My mind went blank and then to all the worst possibilities. I immediately started thinking "G-d what didn't I do or learn with Eli and Rory that I need to go through something like this again? Two times wasn't enough? Am I that dense?" I called some people I trusted and was even asked "do you trust G-d." My response was "Yes, but you have to understand, I trusted G-d with Aurora and Eli and they still died." I know they were trying to help me and I love them so much for it, in fact it challenged me to think differently. I remember even up to the moment that Aurora died in my arms, I kept on thinking He will save her. Those around us probably couldn't figure out why I was so devastated when she died. In their minds, I should have known. But I didn't, I secretly believed He'd save her. Even when she was moving in my belly while we were planning her funeral, in the back of my mind it was "just in case." I think as humans, when you have never been in a particular situation it is easy rationalize what you'd do. Let me tell you, know matter how prepared you think are, you never are. The other thing I have been doing is trying to change my ways of thinking. I wanted to wallow in self pity, but instead quickly turned on praise music and tried breath prayers as it was all I could come up with. They felt hollow, like they were bouncing off the walls. I felt so alone. My friends said words of comfort and my parents, mother in law and sister in law called to talk with us and let us vent. They were all so sweet and it made me feel better. Because of my experience, I know many people whose children have passed away or are fighting serious illnesses. It seems every day I get an email or a call about another child, and to pray for them. We Mom's who have been in these situations or are, cling to others to help, especially with prayer. I realized how important it is in my life and so I always ask others to pray. You see I struggle. With Eli about a month before he passed, I noticed him screaming more often. We thought it was the drug withdrawals and were told babies don't have that (it is now proven they do). The amount of powerful drugs that Eli was on when he was in the PICU, they said it would have taken an adult 6 months on methadone to fully withdraw. For Eli, they had him on it for one week. I can only imagine the hell he went through and it makes me sick. Accompanied with that, he was probably being overlapped with the E. Coli taking over his body. I was told repeatedly, he is teething and that I was over reacting. I was even told by one nurse, he was spoiled! How can a 6 1/2 month old be spoiled when just getting out of the PICU after every doctor said he'd never make it, on dialysis, go through withdrawal and be spoiled! She then said he was a brat. I wanted to go crazy on her, but instead I completely shut down. I started to convince myself I had no motherly instinct (even thought each time he was sick I had proven myself right) and that I was a terrible mother. I even believed that maybe G-d had taken them to be with Him because I was such an awful mother. I know now those are lies, but is scarred me so badly. After we had Isaiah and he would get sick, I was on high alert. Each sniffle, I thought was going to result in his death. I know now from other parents who have faced similar situations, they reacted this way too. Your rose colored classes have come off and you know things you shouldn't and the evil one preys on that. I don't know if this is all in my head but I am confessing out loud to find out if this is a lie or not. Sometimes I FEEL that because we went through what we went through, that we may be perceived as over reacting or dramatic. Maybe this is a lie from the enemy and if I am wrong, please feel free to tell me so (it'd make me feel better). The response that hits me to the core "it always seems like something with you guys." I know they probably don't mean it in a condemning way, in fact, they are right, it does seem like it. But it hurts my feelings, it makes me feel like I am looking for something to be wrong, like I want the attention. Do I like attention? Yes. I like attention for noticing a new hair style, or that I lost some weight, or my new shirt looks terrific, but not for my kid being sick. In fact, it's the last thing I want to bring up because it stirs up all these feelings inside of me. If you have ever been a person that said this to me, know that I still love you. I am incredibly sensitive and I am just needing to vocalize this to get it off my chest so satan can't have a hay day with me. You are probably wondering where I am going with all this, but here it is. The doctor called us back. They still don't know why her red blood cells look the way they do. They are baffled, but don't appear to be terribly alarmed (YES!). Some of them are shaped like tear drops, crescents and a couple of other shapes. I asked them if they could be from a virus or something simple like that, and they said it could be that. They didn't give us much info. and it was frustrating and yet relief at the same time. I am satisfied with keeping tabs on her and having some more follow up work, but leaving it alone, Seth, on the other hand wants to check more into it. I know, it's that shocking? It isn't me pursuing it! Since I believe in being honest, I wanted to share a fear with you, and by bringing it out into the open, I believe satan won't be able to mess with me any further. The reason I told you all those things is this. I was so happy to feel that Aria is probably fine, but immediately was worried that people would think I did this all for attention. The reason I am sharing this, is that I believe G-d is placing it on my heart to confess this. I am not really sure why. I want to glorify Him any chance I can and if it means I look ridiculous, oh well. I was listening to Joyce Meyer (love her!)yesterday on her wisdom series. One of the things she said is that when you follow G-d that may mean you might look crazy, it might mean you may lose the respect of others, or that people might not even want to associate with you any longer, but does that matter as long as you follow what you believe G-d is telling you to do. I believe for me, that I have always seen Christians, as these always upbeat, perfect people. That if you aren't then you must be bad. That is why I assumed that something was wrong with me, I feel everything so deeply. Then G-d reminded me of Lamentations and the Psalms. I feel that G-d is having me show others you love G-d and still struggle, question, and even get angry or sad. In fact, that me sharing my struggles, might help someone else see, she loves G-d and she too struggles. One day I am on top of the mountain, while in the next I can be sucking pond scum, either way, I still love Him. I have to tell you something crazy that happened. On Tuesday morning while waiting for the results, I was in a foul mood. Isaiah and Aria were bickering and really Aria was causing just as much of it as was Isaiah. Since I was so worried about Aria, Isaiah was getting the brunt of it. I was storming around and grumbling when I snapped at Isaiah about something. He looked up at me with his eyes magnified (due to his thick perscription) with boldness in his voice, he pointed at me and said "When the devil touches you, he touches me and THAT makes me sad!" I have never said anything like that to him before. Out of the mouths of babes. I felt G-d speaking loud and clear. I froze. I didn't know how to respond. I got him ready for school and told him Mommy was having a bad day. He then said, he too was having a bad day. I got him on the bus and spoke with a great friend who set me straight. After that I wanted to call him up at school and apologize. I felt horrible. As soon as he came home off the bus, I knelt down and grabbed his face. He looked worried. I then told him how sorry I was and asked him to forgive me. I expected him to hold a grudge, as sometimes he does. Instead his face lit up like Heaven was shining down on him and he wrapped his arms around me and said "oh yes, I forgive you Mommy!" I felt like I had won a million dollars! I feel so blessed, because in this short time of turmoil I saw G-d work through all of those around us. He has brought so many wonderful people into our lives. I have some really great friends, both old and new that I just love. Seth has these great group of guys from his retreat that he really respects. Our families love and support us through all our craziness. G-d has humbled me once again. I am in awe of all that He does. I can't pretend to understand it, but I am learning to take each day and enjoy the little blessings you tend to ignore. Like for me, the whiny 2 1/2 year old who just wants my attention. Some day I'll be the last thing on her mind, so for now I am going to rejoice in her whineyness and Isaiah's endless questions and just enjoy it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? So enjoy today. Feel free to give me your feedback on this and I pray I haven't offended anyone in any way, know that I love you, and I too, am a lovely mess!