So I kind of left a little cliff hanger about what was going on. I must say, G-d is really "cleaning house," in our lives. Ever since last October, when I was able to go on the retreat, my life has been steadily changing. The biggest thing, I kept on feeling Him say was, "Trust." Since then He has added two more words, "Restoration and Courage." I never in a million years would have thought three words could speak to me so much. I wouldn't say it's been an easy trek, in fact, I never know from day to day the way things are going to go. I still have ups and downs, only this time, I cling to Him. I am learning to let go of relying on people to be my strength (talk about pressure you can't live up to!), instead relying on G-d (who I should have gone to in the first place). I was having a particularly frustrating day last week. I was speaking with a friend and when she said a phrase that cracked me up and yet spoke so true, "before you go to the phone, go to the throne." It sounds so simple, almost to simple, yet very true. As you know, I am not a person that has much patience. I think that has been the very essence of why it is so hard for me to trust G-d in the past, to wait.... Ugh. But I want/need it now! Whether it be an answer I am waiting on, an item I need to buy, I hate waiting! Since October, I have met a slew of amazing people (some new friends, some old) that have given me much to think about. I truly believe G-d has brought them into my life to help me move onto the next phase of our life. I have since rejoined a bible study. These women, let me tell you, well they are just so wonderful. Not only that, but we are doing a bible study on Daniel by Beth Moore. I think I have already mentioned this, but I had no idea how much G-d would speak to me through a story I had almost grown stale to. It has made me so aware of how the enemy really does go prowling around like a lion, waiting to steal, kill, and destroy. Babylon? That's a story from the bible, is what I always thought. Now my eyes have been opened to our present day Babylon. I have always struggled with not feeling like I was enough. I wasn't tall enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. You get the picture. I never realized how much the commercials on TV try and convince you that this shirt, soap, car, plastic surgery, and so many more will make you blissfully happy. Funny how they use the fruits of the spirit in a car commercial. "This is joy you have been waiting for!!!" Then it's normally followed by a credit card commercial, where it triggers your mind to think, be happy now, I'll pay for it later. Oooh how to true, I will pay for it later, with interest! Ever since having my kids, I am no longer the size I once was. Okay, you want to hear some ugly truth? I actually started avoiding going places and getting together because I was so self conscious of the way I looked! How self indulgent and stupid of me!! I realize, how can I expect my daughter to not worry about such foolish things if her Mom is always talking about it! Yes, there are health issues you have to be aware of, and sometimes it's fun to set a goal, but when it becomes an obsession, you know you have crossed into enemy territory. So now Seth and I are really reevaluating every thing we do, every thought we have, and no longer being impulsive all the way down to something as simple as tooth paste. Want to hear another silly story? Yesterday we were at the store in the personal effects aisle when I spot citrus toothpaste! Oh how I have had a love affair with orange toothpaste. It takes me back to when I was a kid and it really stands out in my mind for some odd reason. It was only $2.14, no biggie right? I gotta have it! It'll make brushing more fun! Immediately I started to try and get Seth on board. I was so excited, I looked like a chihuahua that just got it's yummy hamburger. I wagged my tail, panted, and yes drooled a bit. Over tooth paste (yes, I am a simpleton). I feel so stupid even as I say it now. As I ran through my coupon pile, I was saddened to not find one and realized it was not to be. My thoughts started to say "but Kelly, it's only $2.14! It's not big deal." Then I realized I was being tempted not by diamonds, not by a house on the beach, but by toothpaste! That tricky devil weaves his greedy little ways even into something as trivial as that. I believe G-d brought to mind how many $2.14 items have added up through out the years and how I have forgotten about it in the household a few days later. Wisdom and impulsiveness do not go hand in hand, as I have found out. As much as it bums me out that my spending days are over, (especially when I have had a bad day) I know in the end, it'll be better for my family. It's amazing how the enemy always is trying to convince you that you need more, you deserve it, that everyone will like you better if... IF..... Oh how blind I have been. The lies that I have believed. I am trying to look on my past beliefs and behaviors not with regret and guilt. I refuse to give satan that strong hold. Instead, I will use it for a learning experience of what not to do. Self-control doesn't mean I have to live a boring life, it just means I have to pray about it, and really give it some time before I act. I admit, I have prayed so much for G-d to help us to make more money, that if we just had a little more, we'd be better off. Instead I am realizing it is wisdom that I crave. It's priceless. It is nothing you can buy, it is only something that you can seek, and once you have it, no one can take it away. When I lie on my death bed, I want to be surrounded with the ones I love, knowing where I am going, to be with my Father in heaven. My clothing, house, jewelery, food, new wall fixtures, tooth paste!! None of that will go with me. After having two children die, you learn quickly that it is life that really matters. Like all people, we get tempted. With sadness, I like to buy something or go somewhere special. It feels good for a short time, but then the sadness will return. It is G-d that I need to fill up that empty feeling. He is the only one who can give me the strength to deal with my trials in all aspects of this world. I have also learned the more I try to follow closely to G-d, the harder my life is becoming. Last week, it seemed to be one thing after another, each thing topping the next. I started to freak out (cause that's what I used to do) when I felt G-d saying, "trust me." Some of the issues were resolved in a miraculous way and some are still on hold, and I am beginning to be okay with that. I always used to hear people say, "I wait on the Lord before doing anything." I admit it, I thought they were off their rocker, or that it was a cop out. Now I realize, it really is something to live by. To remind myself of this simple, yet difficult to live out lesson I remind myself of the an old song I learned as child (it all seems to go back to our child hood, eh?)
Oh be careful little ears what you hear...
Oh be careful little eyes what you see...
Oh be careful little tongue what you say...
Cause the Father up above is looking down below, Oh.....
These are warnings of wisdom. Makes me wonder, if the whole world would abide by this simple song, how different would it be?? To often I find myself sharing a story that really didn't need to be shared. Just by reading Daniel, I have become aware of the things on TV, and really 90% of it goes against everything the bible teaches us, yet I had become numb to it, after all it's just TV? This has been a hard step. TV has always been my comfort. Bad day, just watch an old re-run. Now I am realizing how bombarded by things we really are. I don't mean to get preachy, instead I write this today to remind me of what I have learned. It's hard when you live in such a fast paced society, you can't escape all these things, so how do you keep on going without getting sucked in? This is the challenge. With knowledge comes challenges. I know these things now, now the challenge is, can I accept and follow through? My dear friends, would you believe this is just the tip of the iceberg? I actually have another thing to chat about, but I am afraid this entry might be a little to long. What do you think? What is your Babylon??
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