For the Glory of the Lord

So much has happened in the past 30 days. I ended up going on my Pursuit of Wholeness Woman's retreat. I went with the hope of rejuvenating my faith in the Lord, but at least figured I'd get a much needed rest. I came away with much more than that, Praise the Lord!! I came away with a deep thirst and hunger to seek out the Lord, made wonderful friends, and also got a much needed rest. It was surreal how time disappeared while we were there. It almost felt like you were somewhere between heaven and earth. I learned a lot about how I view G-d, others, and myself. I have come away less fearful, anxious, anger, bitter, jealous, and list goes on. Instead I now feel hope, faith, love, excitement, joy, and that list goes on. I am learning to let go of the painful "whys" and instead am looking to "what good is going to come from this!" It doesn't make all the pain and hurt of the past, present, or future go away. Instead it makes it feel more valid. Pain happens to help mold us. You can either sit in it and ask "why me?" or say "this stinks, but I know He is faithful." I am not saying my kids dying was the way I wanted things to go, or that I wouldn't change it in a heart beat, but it is what is. I want to show others that their lives meant something, that G-d doesn't make mistakes. We don't forget what has happened, we learn from it. I have learned to not take one day for granted. I have learned to love others with my whole heart (it is better to love and lost than never to have loved at all). I learned that I was putting my kids and my husband before G-d. I can't do that. I figured if I hang on to them tight enough, G-d won't take them away. That isn't true, and it doesn't make them happy. I found it was suffocating them, they couldn't fully live because Mommy or Kelly might be upset. I admit I have back slid, but now I allow myself the grace to forgive myself. It's funny, I have been living in a house for 4 1/2 years and all but one room is white. We painted the nursery when Isaiah was born, but other than that I have been afraid of painting in case I make a mistake. What if the colors look bad or go out of style? How silly is that? I didn't want to invite my friends over because my house wasn't as nice as theirs. How ridiculous is that. The list goes on and I look back and think, how much time have I wasted for fear of taking a risk. So what if the colors look bad, I can repaint them. So what if my house isn't like theirs, if they didn't like me because of that then they aren't my friend in the first place (besides none of them would care anyway). The so what's are all coming out. I love it because I am getting a taste of freedom and I like it. Life is full of change, no matter how much you try to control it, bad things are going to happen, things are going to hurt. But if you are always worried about what is around the corner and what if, what about all the great things that you are missing while worrying or obsessing about? I am praying that G-d will show me how to embrace how real I am. I have been through a lot and that is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I am a survivor. I now know how to enter into other peoples pain. I don't hide from it, because it isn't fair to let others suffer alone. It isn't just about me, it's about everyone and they need that. I remember when Eli was up at the hospital and after he died, the greatest support I had were those that wrapped their arms around us, cried with us, prayed with us, and just let us say what it was that we needed to say. They didn't try to "fix" things, because they couldn't. They just loved on us. I had a special friend do that for me last night and it really helped. I want to do that for others as well. I have hidden myself for so long because of my pain, but as it says in the bible, there is a time for everything. I will always miss my kids, that will never change. I will have good days and bad days, but I am clinging to the hope that I am releasing the spirit of fear that has so paralyzed me for so long. I am learning to be real, but with love. I have been in a season of mourning and grief (I think that part will always be there) and now it is time for me to learn to dance, to live life in color, to take risks whatever they may bring. I no longer want to live in the shadows of fear, anxiety, self condemnation, and depression. One of the many great things this retreat experience has showed me was how much I long for community. I feel alive when I am with people, especially those who love me for who I am. Seth and I tend to be homebodies, so this is quite an adjustment. I am excited to see what the future brings. I feel like G-d is moving in a big way, all I know is this is all for His Glory. I am no longer the same, I am a new creation in Christ.


I also would like to ask something of you, would you please pray for a family that their 18 month old (Isaac)was just diagnosed with Leukemia last night. They have a 3 year old and a new born that was just born last month. They have a long road ahead of them. Please pray he'd be healed. That his Mom and Dad would have great endurance and energy, that the enemy would have no foot hold on this family. I remember with Eli, you get so drained so quickly and we didn't even have any other living children at that point. If you'd like more info or how to help, let me know. As we said for Eli, watch, pray, believe, and be amazed. Blessings be with you all.