Lost and looking to be found

So, I just wrote half of my post and then my stinkin' computer just erased it!! Blast! Nothing like pouring your heart out and then having your words disappear into oblivion. Oh well. Lately I have been doing most of my posts on the family, but today, I'll write about my struggle. Every day brings it's new challenges. Whether it be lack of sleep, the kids not listening, a bill you thought you had payed coming back, etc... What I have been struggling with, has been a life long thing. My relationship with G-d and my faith. I know that He exists, but there are things I desperately want answered. Sometimes I feel like a child that can not be appeased. With every answer that I get answered, is normally followed with another "why?" My life long question is, will I get into Heaven? Even as a young child I remember worrying about this. In Sunday school all the kids would boast with pride "I am going to Heaven!" I would ask them how they knew that and most of the responses would be "because I said so and if I believe it, then I will." Me being the cynical child that I was thought "but isn't that up to G-d? How can I be the one to judge?" This truly tormented me, it still does. As I went through life, I chose to believe, but not in a firm way. Instead more in a, just believe it or else it'll drive me crazy. Then we had Aurora and Elijah. They changed my perspective in realizing how important faith really is. Without my belief in G-d, I wouldn't made it through. In all my sorrow, anguish, and grief, I clung to Him because I realized nothing really mattered in life, but Him. No amount of money, no amount of knowledge, no amount of anything could bring my children back. He gives and He takes away. All my life, I thought I was in control, but in reality, it couldn't have been further from the truth. I am finally going on my first woman's retreat. It's called the Pursuit of Wholeness. I have been wanting to go for some time now, but always found a reason not to go. Lately Isaiah has been bombarding me with questions and he really takes to heart every answer that I give him. Seth and I believe in telling him the truth about everything. We don't dummy things down, we just say it like it is in the most descriptive manner possible. He like me, is a very literal child. We have already approached the subject of death. Unlike most kids, who really aren't faced with an immediate family members death, we do. I have had great families who years ago had a child die and how they dealt with it with their other children. They all said to be honest, to let them know how loved and missed the deceased child is. Also to let the other children love them as well. Believe it or not, they were right. Isaiah is very aware and protective of Rory and Eli. We have had to explain why we go to the Mausoleum and why the kids pictures never change. I now understand the scripture of "...faith like a child.." I sometimes envy the innocence and the trusting natures of little ones. So I am praying that this weekend that I will be "found" in a way that I haven't been. I feel it is very necessary to know what I believe as that will be the foundation in what my childrens faith will be built upon. I desperately want to be one of those women who is so passionate for the Lord that it is obvious just by looking. I often think about the parable of the seeds that are planted in all the different types of soil. Which one would G-d say that I am? I find myself so eager to please all those around me, when in reality I should be focused on pleasing G-d. He is only one who can truly give me what I need. I try and remind myself that life is full of plains, mountains, valleys, rivers, streams, oceans, storms, and even calmness. If I was always on top of the mountain, I suppose I wouldn't grow. I have a feeling this weekend will be a turning point in my life. I try and not think about all of Isaiah's Universe movies in how vast the universe really is, or else I start to doubt, how could G-d really be interested in us when we are but a speck of dust. I have never been an abstract thinker. I don't like looking at paintings of dots or strokes of paint showing the struggle between humanity and machine. Instead, I like looking at paintings of flowers, houses, anything I can identify. Sometimes G-d seems so abstract, where I wish I could understand Him in a more simplistic view. Oh Lord, can't you just knock on my door or send me and email???

The Escape Artist

I have quite the story to start out with, as I think this will make you laugh. We are starting to realize the difference between our two children. Isaiah, when he was Aria's age, was easily contained. He'd abide by our boundaries, while giving his opinion of what he thought. Aria, on the other hand, thinks that boundaries are meant to be broken, while being sly as she knows she doesn't want to get caught. We have now entered a phase of life that we never encountered with Isaiah, it is called, "the crib break out." Now, many of you who are parents, already know this story well. As for Seth and I, we have had no experience in this field. On Sunday night, we were winding down for the night. Seth was closing up the house, while I had gone up stairs to get ready for bed. Aria, being the little hoodlum that she is, was not falling asleep, so Seth finally put her in her crib and left to finish his tasks. I finally had crawled into bed, as it was quite late, and listened to Aria chatter in her room. I then turned my attention to the TV, as I wanted to relax, when Seth walks into the room and says "are you missing something?" I looked around the room, wondering what in the world had I forgotten. Then Seth turns around and picks up Aria, who is still, chattering away (she reminds me of those monkeys that chatter all the time). I was quite confused, as I wondered why he had gotten her out of the crib. Seth went on to explain that he was in the basement and came up the stairs and into the kitchen to see Aria finishing coming down the steps leading from the top floor. He said she looked quite satisfied with herself, and was wondering where I was (I don't let the kids go down the top floor steps by themselves as they are quite steep) and why I wasn't "laying down the law." Still a little baffled, I am wondering what happened (don't judge me, it was late at night and my brain had shut off early!) and how she got down the stairs, when it occurred to me, "She got out of the crib?" (yes I am pretty bright, er sometimes) By now, Aria had climbed into our bed and made herself cozy next to me, and seemed quite elated that she wasn't having to go to bed. I started to laugh, half because it was funny and half because now we had to be nervous. Mind you, Isaiah NEVER tried to get out of the crib. While we are having a good laugh, Seth went into her room and rigged the crib to go even lower than set for as he is my MacGuyver. He came out a while later and swept Aria into his arms to place her back into the crib. He came back to bed a few moments later and proceeded to make himself comfortable, when you know who shows up, yep Aria. We both just stared at each other and tried not to laugh, as we didn't want her to think it was funny. Seth several times more quietly picks her up and sets her in the crib and walks out (we saw this on Nanny 911 years ago) but each time our little pop tart would climb out and try to get back to me. One time, she startled me so much, Seth said, I'd looked like I had seen a ghost. Now we are in full state of confusion of, what are we in for. Thankfully, we have an Angel care monitor, which for young babies, alerts parents that their child isn't breathing. An added benefit is when they turn into toddlers, it alerts you that they got out of the crib! So we turned on the monitor when it alerted us that she'd gotten out, and off course she is playing in her room by the window. Finally Seth placed her in for the last time, when she realized that we were on to her. She wailed like a criminal that had been caught and was being sent to prison for the rest of her life. After what seemed like forever, she finally fell asleep. I was trying to figure out if this meant nap times would no longer be happening, and yes a bit of panic was setting in. So yesterday, nap time came quickly. I had dreaded it, as I didn't know what to expect. I placed her into her crib and turned on the monitor, went downstairs and waited. Sure enough with in a few minutes, she busted out, and the monitor alerted me with a blaring noise. I swept into the room without a word and picked her up and set her in the crib. She looked at me with bewilderment in her eyes. Almost as if she was thinking "How on earth did you know I had gotten out? You must have eyes all around??" She didn't try it after that and quickly fell asleep while protesting in sobs. So now it looks like it is time to break out the toddler bed (sigh, sniff sniff). That means I no longer have and "babies" in my house, just toddlers. I miss the tiny little diapers, picking them up without grunting because the weigh all of 10 pounds, their little faces full of wonder for any little thing. Yet it's pretty great that now they tell us when they want something or talk in their little chipmunk voices, mimicking every thing we do. Last night, we had our family friend over watching the kids. When she was ready to go, I told Aria to say "thank you Taylor." I just expected her to say thank you when Aria says in her tiny voice. "Bank ooh Tayyor, see you soon!" and then proceeds to blow her a kiss. Both Seth and I about melted into a puddle she was so cute! Isaiah walks up to me and says "Mom and Dad, I missed you sooooooooooo much! Where did you go?" I was shocked as Isaiah rarely seems to miss us, since he loves interacting with people. I proceeded to tell him what we did, and he seemed satisfied that he didn't miss anything, Seth and I just smiled at each other. With all the chaos with kids, you can easily feel over whelmed, but when it gets down to it, it is so worth it. We wouldn't trade a moment for anything. Now, I just have to figure out how to keep Aria in her bed, any suggestions? If it is to confusing to leave a message on the blog, go ahead and leave one on my facebook page. I need all the help I can get!! Hope you found this entertaining!

Falling for change

So another month has passed, and I being the bad blogger that I am, haven't been posting. Several times I had started to write, but then got distracted by something and never completed what I set out to do. So I will give you a review of the past month and play a little catch up. Seth and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We quietly celebrated the day a day later and were able to go out to dinner (the way to my heart is through my stomach!) without the kids and just enjoy a stroll down memory lane. We really would have liked to go up to Traverse City, but weren't able to this year (BOOO!!!) Hopefully we'll go later in the year, as we find the view so spectacularly calming . Isaiah started his 2nd year at pre-school for 4 year olds. He is doing exceptionally well and has grown leaps and bounds in all aspects of his young life. He really blows me away. He is quite the comic and says such funny things when you least expect it. He loves telling this one particular joke that goes, "what is green and wiggles in your soup? Elvis Parsley!" Only sometimes he says, "I want to tell you a joke." The person will say, "OK." Then Isaiah says. "Elvis Parsley!" and then rolls on the floor with the most contagious laughter you have ever heard. The person will stand there bewildered, and then I have to explain to Isaiah that he gave the answer and not the question. His brain is quite the sponge, he sops up info and seems to put it into action immediately. He still loves space, but now has ventured on to the interests of aquatic creatures, volcanoes, and my favorite, tornadoes (note my sarcasm). We are so pleased to see this, as he is venturing away from space and exploring new things, a great sign for things to come. He definitely is going to be a scientist of some sort as he has a thirst for knowledge. He also is in love with gymnastics. We thought it would be a great place for him to learn how to follow instructions, transitions, exercise, and socialize all at once. He is doing superbly! He makes friends every where he goes and loves to socialize. A year ago, I was without hope and totally consumed by fear of how we were going to deal with him and now he is better than I could have dreamed! Early intervention has been key and by the grace of G-d, he is improving each moment. Speaking of growth, Seth went on a all male church retreat in the UP focusing on the Wild at Heart book. It was quite tumultuous for me, as we have only been separated a couple of times and it really played on my anxiety. We've been through a lot, and we know that you can never take one day for granted. It's hard as you can tend to look on the side of worry, more than enjoyment. We were told they wouldn't be able to call, as there is no cell phone reception up there. I was so worried, as I wasn't able to know if they had arrived safely or not. Here we have hardly been apart and then I can't even call?! Argh! Needless to say, I felt like a shell of a woman. I was able to do the basics with the kids, but I couldn't help but obsess if he was okay. I prayed and prayed for a miracle, but felt nothing. The next day I was barely could focus when the phone rang. It was Seth! I felt the light of Heaven open up on me as I heard his voice. I sobbed. I know this all seems very dramatic, but if you know how close we are, you'd understand. It takes a lot for me to cry, my first instinct is to get angry, not sad, when difficult things happen. It really was a G-d thing that he was able to get reception up there, there was no other explanation. I then got to have my sister in law and dear friend who is like a sister, keep me company. It really was a growth experience for me and I am grateful (not to say I'd be eager to do it again). Seth had a wonderful time and came back an even better man, if that was possible. I couldn't stop hugging him. Well, enough of the gushy mushy stuff. Aria has fully embraced being 2. She is all about breaking boundaries, screeching, and yes, throwing herself on the floor for every little thing. She loves to sing anything and everything, especially the lead song to Veggietales. She seems to be a girly girl, who loves shoes, hats, jewelry, purses, and pretending to be a mom. She also has a tom boy side. Today, Isaiah was telling her off about how rude it is to take things from other people when, I kid you not, she clothes-lined him. She took him down and tried to even bite him! I could not believe what I was seeing. She ended up having 1/2 hour in time out, until she calmed down. She also loves digging in thedirt and doing anything that gets her adrenaline pumping(a girl after he Daddy's heart) Today I was getting Isaiah on the bus while she was playing in the back yard (it's fenced in) when low and behold what do I find? Aria sitting in the compost pile. Thankfully there wasn't anything rotting in there, but still, ewwwwwwwwwww. All in a days work I suppose. Sometimes I imagine G-d saying, "Hmmm, how's this going to challenge Kelly today??" Gotta say, I am doing much better. Elijah's birthday was on last Thursday. He would have been 6. I was able to spend the night amongst dear friends who shared my pain while preparing for the "Walk to Remember." I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend the night, except for if he was still here. I didn't have to pretend how I was feeling, I just got to be how I felt. It was so comforting to just be in the moment. Seth had planned on going out to the Mausoleum to play is cello for them. Graceland echos so wonderfully, that I just thought it was perfectly fitting. He still hasn't been able to go as he is trying to practice to make it just right. We ended up watching his movies and the kids were memorized. They really embrace things in such a beautiful way, that it makes it easy. Now I understand when people say "with a child's heart." It was so nice to see Eli and hear how silly we were with him. I could almost smell his vanilla cookie smell. It hurt to watch, but in a good way. I have been avoiding it, as sometimes it's almost to painful to bear. I'm glad the kids love to watch him as it really connects us all together and it became a joyful thing, just what I had hoped for. The Walk turned out wonderfully. Sadly, every year it gets bigger. But in a good way, it's opening up room for people to safely be able to talk about their losses and be supported. It was an honor to be able to speak on the panel this year and quite healing for us, to help others in the only way we know how. We also got to have a heart to heart talk with a couple in our lives that mean so much to us. We ended up having an awesome experience of healing. All in all, the month of September has brought huge changes in our lives. I can't explain it, but it's for the better. I pray October will be a month of great peace as I will be going on my first women's retreat. I am ecstatic to see what G-d is going to bring out, as that is what each day is about, living for Him. While I am human and make mistakes every moment, I can't help but see the beauty in it. Without mistakes, without change, without stepping beyond yourself,you can't grow. We need to grow in order to come into G-d's fullness. Each day I learn something new, sometimes it's painful and sometimes it's exciting, but it's all good. It's all good....