Tomato

So today I am typing from my In-laws house. If any of you know me personally, you know of my horrible fears of tornados. Just typing the word makes me shudder. When I was a little girl, I was so afraid of them, that I refused to let anyone call it by name. They had to call it a tomato. Don't ask me why it brought me comfort, but it did. I remember one time, I was at my grandmother's house in Greendale, WI. They had this beautiful apple tree in the back yard that was perfect for climbing. One time, I climbed a little to high. You see, I was so small when I was younger, that someone once said "she's so little, she could ride a chihuhua and her feet wouldn't drag." Well, sometimes when you are smaller, you have to be extra fiesty to keep up with the rest of the world. Sometimes this means you get in over your head. This time I did. I climbed the highest I had ever done (it was probably 10 feet, but in my mind, I climbed Everest) so high that the air smelled sweeter, the leaves looked greener, oh and by the way, I was stuck. Yep, I didn't know how to get down. So my grandmother did what any sane person would do, she called out my worst fear, "TORNADO!" I got down so fast that I had branches slapping me in the face left and right, but I didn't care, I had to get away from the tomato!! I look back and wonder how I didn't fall or break a bone, but it did the trick. So needless to say anytime bad weather comes, my anxiety meter goes ablaze. The other night we slept through the sirens, as without my hearing aids, I hear nothing. When I let Seth know he never woke up and we could have been on our way to Oz, her replies non chalantley "but we are still here." I asked him how are we going to handle this in the future as I can't hear the sirens, he just said "we'll see." My blood is boiling with panic. So today when I heard that we were going to have severe weather, I yanked the kids out of bed an hour early and took them over to my in-laws house. Why, you ask?? We live in a 110 year old house that the basement looks like a dungeon and I wanted the kids to have something to do. So here we are and guess what, there was hardly a storm. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. To see the glass as half full, I should be thinking, eh we got an early start on today and we aren't stuck at our house. The other half of the glass calls out to me "you crazy fool! You could have slept in later and your kids wouldn't be cranky because you pulled them out of bed! Look at where your anxiety got you now! GRRRRRRRRR. Pull yourself together Kelly and repeat, "the glass is half full, the glass is half full.." I have been reading a book that my Mother in law got me for Aurora's birthday. It is called "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. I must admit I was a little perplexed at first, why she got it for me. But as I quizically picked up the book to read, I was amazed. Her writings are capturing how I have felt in such a graceful way. As most of you know, I tend to tell things boldly how I feel. It's not that I mean to come across that way, I just figure,life is short, tell it like it is. Anyways, I am only about half way through. It has stirred up so many emotions in such an amazing way. I encourage you to get this book to help explain grief in a real way. When I began to read, it was if she was in my mind. Not to mention, her words are written in a way it doesn't make you uncomfortable, in fact, it soothed me! As I have been reading, I have been able to revist places that happened with Aurora. It isn't depressing, instead it is awakening the feelings that I have tried so hard to express, but wasn't able to. She has such a graceful way of explaining her emotions, as mine tend to be more sharp. She speaks of how her loved ones enveloped her and accepted her feelings and I couldn't help but ponder. You see, at the time that I was pregnant with Aurora, my sister in laws were both pregnant with their first children as well. Once we found out Aurora wasn't going to make it, I felt like damaged goods. I was envious and angry . I loved my nephews (still to this day, they are so special to me)and my family, but my grief overshadowed everything. I secluded myself, as it was to painful to see everyone going about their life, while mine was falling apart. I felt like an alien, I didn't belong on earth and yet I didn't belong in heaven, I had no where to go. This may all sound very depressing, but the reality of the situation is, it's refreshing to me to see that I didn't handle myself in a crazy way, I was normal. It seems that you are looked upon as having great faith by stuffing your feelings and actually are happy that your baby died! I still don't get that, and rarely do parents say those things. So it is quite refreshing to read her thoughts followed by verses explaining her feelings. I am so glad she got me this book. It feels vindicating to see that I am not crazy for acting the way that I did and still do. I am a person who is highly sensitive and very protective, but also my heart is huge. When I see someone cry, I cry. When I see injustice, I boil with anger. When I laugh, my whole soul laughs. I do everything with great intesity. I used to be ashamed of it, but I am realizing that this is who G-d wants me to be. I am who I am . I feel and express my whole heart. Sometimes it's to overwhelming for people to be with a person like myself. But other times I find that people are relieved to meet someone like me, to say the things that no one wants to. Anyways, I am going to keep you updated on this book, stay tuned!!!

Aurora's Day

Today is Aurora's birthday. It's hard to believe she would have been 8 this year and getting ready to go into the third grade. She'd be into fashion, music, and maybe even boys (oy). By now she'd be telling us what she'd want to be when she grows up and dreaming of being able to do whatever she wants. I would hope she'd have long hair that I could style each day. Something tells me she'd have a bit of my spicy attitude to go along with her sweet disposition. Would her hair be wavy or straight? How tall would she be? Would she be girly or have a bit of tom boy in her? What would be her favorite foods? What kind of party would she like to have had? A sleepover? the beach? maybe rollerblading? So many what would.... run through our minds. I told Isaiah that it is Aurora's birthday today. He says "we need to make her a card and I will take it to her!" If that wasn't sweet enough, later I said I was on the phone, he says "we need to call Jesus, then we can talk to Aurora and Elijah because they all live in heaven." I sat there stunned with tears of joy running down my face. Out of the mouth of babes! Kids seem comfortable and accepting of situations like this. I think they understand more than we give them credit for. So tonight we are going out to the Mausoleum and visit the babies so Isaiah can bring his card. My heart is heavy that she isn't physically here anymore. But having little ones that call to sing Happy Birthday on the phone to me for her (thanks Kate!) birthday , in the hopes of being able to speak with Aurora, makes my day. Kids say what adults won't and I am glad they do (except when you have put on a few pounds and they announce it to the whole world, but you get what I mean). I was blessed to finally have a dream about her and that was quite the gift this year. There is not a day that goes by that we don't look up at the sky and think of her. In the wee hours of the morning, I sit and day dream that her and Eli are still alive. Oh the beautiful chaos that would be coursing through our home. I am still thankful that G-d allowed me to carry her for 35 beautiful weeks. I am thankful that I got to hold her and feel her heart beat. I am thankful that she showed me what it felt like to be a Mom and have feelings that have no words. I am thankful that she came. The pain of her absence is almost too much to bear some days. As I have always said, just because your child dies doesn't mean you stop being their parent. The bonds between a parent loving their child exceeds time and even death. I joke with Seth and say, I will be in the nursing home in my rocking chair talking about Eli and Rory. I am sure they will think I am senile, but even then their lives will be spoken about. I am their mother and until I am reunited with them in Heaven, I won't be silent. Instead I will rejoice in their lives and help those who mourn that it is okay to love, cherish, and carry their children with them. So today, I immerse myself in the memories of our short time together with deep sorrow mixed in with pure love and the joy that I was able to be the mother of such a beautiful soul. Here is a song that we played at her funeral that I think of often.

Fly

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

So my dearest Aurora, we treasure you, miss you, ache for you, and love you. Thank you for being my daughter. Until I can snuggle you again my love.....

A Day at the Beach

So we had quite the busy weekend. I ended up being in a wedding as and served as a Matron of honor for the first time. All went well, and I was especially pleased that my dress fit and didn't explode half way down the aisle. In fact, it fit pretty great all through the night. Due to being so busy with all of the hullabaloo of this past year, we really haven't been able to devote many days as a full kids day. So on Sunday, we drove out to Grand Haven and celebrated with a day at the beach and the park. With Isaiah and being on the autistic spectrum, we have to prepare him for everything. Aria, you can pick her up and go any where and she is quite pleased. With him, he wants to go, but it's like something inside him hinders him from wanting to transition easily to a new thing. Thankfully due to school, aggressive therapy, family, friends, and even our church, he is doing leaps and bounds better. The doctor's have even suggested that he may grow out of this, due to our hard work and early intervention. So one of the new things for us is taking him to large, over crowded places. It's very overwhelming for him. It tends to be a sensory overload and since he isn't able to decipher anxiety from excitement, he tends to react in frustration. For these bigger tasks, you need two adults, so you can have a one on one ratio or else both kids will reach their breaking point quickly along with the adult who is accompanying them. I admit, I was a little nervous to try, as it's always in the back of your mind, is it worth it to drive all that way, just to have him get terribly upset and have to turn around? So we talked about the beach all the way there and seemed very excited. We got to Lake MI and his eyes were huge. He has only been to the beach a few times, due to it being to much so this was a first for this year. As I applied about a gallon of sunscreen on all of us, he began to beeline it down to the water. We didn't bring swim suits as I thought it would be to cold. I should have thought that all the way through as he ran as fast as he could into, yep you guessed it, the water. Being a germaphobe, it was really hard to take them in the first place as the beaches have E Coli advisories that aren't available until the day after (kind of pointless) but in my own little therapy of my mind, I reminded myself they are kids and they need to have these experiences. So it was a double whammy for us. We set up our little place and Aria began to plow through the sand like it was gold. Isaiah decided his job was to put all the sand back into the lake. He did wonderfully, other than going further and further into the water (what kid doesn't try this?) and did really well. Aria decided to exercise being two and had a few tantrums about not getting her way, but all in all did great. It was gorgeous, the sail boats were out and the lake was just so peaceful. There were people all around and yes, I even got to see my dreaded fear, a child peeing in the water less than 20 feet away. I just sucked it up and even laughed as the child had to have been 3 and was thoroughly fascinated with watching. Ah kids. After we decided to pack up, Isaiah began to get upset, but we continued on with the plan and followed through that he had to obey. He sobbed all the way to the car, but he came without one of us having to pick him up, this is a huge break through. We then thought since they did so well, to take them to this really great park. Of course, both of them thought the party was offer, but alas were amazed at what they saw next. We pulled into the parking area and without us saying a word Isaiah looks up in a amazement and says "OH MY GOSH, IT'S A PARK!! OOH MY GOODNESS!" He has his hands on his face like the kid in Home Alone and just a look of like he won a million dollars. This park is very elaborate, so it was so cool to see his expression of sheer amazement. They both did really well, he acknowledged other kids and even asked them to play. He transitioned easily and they both left the park willingly to go eat. I was so amazed! Seth and I were very pleased. We have now decided to try bigger and bigger outings each week to help improve his progress. It's good for us as well, as have been pretty cooped up in the house. While Isaiah seems to really be doing well, Aria is learning to be 2. She is throwing temper tantrums over her not getting her way and drops down to her face at the drop of a dime. So she is now experiencing the wonderful world of time outs. Thankfully, for now, she seems to be responding to them. She is starting to earn the nickname "Diva," But hopefully this too, shall pass and she'll go back to her sweet self, but man alive she is a spitfire. It's been quite interesting watching their personalities develop. Isaiah and Aria wrestle, build blocks, play little people, and even pretend to cook together. Isaiah seems to not understand some social cues, but Seth is sure if anyone messes with him, Aria is going to deck them. They seem to work well together. For now, Isaiah has a fever that we haven't been able to shake. So we are home bound for now. So hopefully after he shakes it off, we'll be out an about again. After our big outing, I was able to end my day with a lovely two hour mowing of our lawn. It was so relaxing. Seth and I are in the process of praying to G-d for a business idea to go into together. Kind of seems far fetched right now, but with G-d all things are possible. Aurora's birthday is rapidly approaching and she'd be the ripe ole age of 8. Wow. Seeing Aria sure has brought me closer with my ideas of Rory. I bet they would have ruled the roost together, the boys in our house wouldn't have had a chance! Well, my daughter needs some cheese to go with her whine, so I better go. Kids are hard work, but man they sure do make life so interesting! We are blessed, truly blessed. Praise G-d!

Last Day of School

I can hardly believe it. Isaiah finished his last day of school. It is so hard to believe that a whole school year has gone by. I feel like we just got his diagnosis and the out look, was grim. We were paralyzed by his behavior as we couldn't understand how to help him. The doctor suggested that school might help cultivate new relationships and teach transitions. We only had days to get him evaluated by the school system to see if he'd be a candidate. We were squeezed in at the very last moment with a blessing of an opening! A ray of light! At that point, Isaiah refused to really pay attention to any other kids. He was so off in his own world that any shift in schedule sent him reeling with anger and frustration. At this point I wondered how I could ever parent him properly. I was reassured over and over again that school might be in our best interest. I couldn't get over the fact that I was going to be sending my tiny little 3 year old on the bus and away from me, impossible! Could it really make that much of a difference? Hardly! But it did! Our little guy is living up to his potential and then some. Not only is a genius, but he is actually interacting and enjoying the company of kids his own age. Before, it seemed only adults or older kids were only worthy of his attention, but now, he is wrestling, grunting, and doing all sorts of things that little boys like to do. He is still our little professor, but now with an edge and full of expression. He has the best belly laugh that can melt the coldest of hearts. Now we embark on summer. I am a bit nervous as not only do kids tend to regress in the summer, but with his it's crucial to maintain and improve his behavior. I am planning on story boarding our day out, so that he always knows what is coming. I have found a group called Bright Beginnings that are for all kids under the age of 5 and it's free!! It might be a lot of driving, but both kids can participate and it's always something new with lots of social interaction!! I am hoping to make friends all the way around and really get immersed in what our kids need. Not to mention swimming, library time, Sunday school, nature walks, and more!! I am really excited to become a kid again this summer. A bit of a jump, I am hoping to teach Isaiah the Element of the Periodic Table, and my parents are going to be teaching him Hebrew! Aria is reading and singing while caring for her baby dolls. I know it'll be a challenge, but with G-d's grace, this hopefully will be a summer of hope, optimism, and change. Isaiah comes to me each day with his thoughts and feelings. We have bonded so much and he tells me each day that I am his best Mommy. That's a pretty big deal, considering just one year ago, he'd barely interact with me. Man, these teachers deserve the millions of dollars that all the pro athletes receive. They are amazingly gifted and really shape our kids in a way a we can't. To you that home school, you are amazing!! I am just so impressed by teaching skills, they are so pivotal and yet you don't think twice in most instances what a difference they make in our lives. So today I rejoice and PRAISE the Lord for all that He has done. Last year, I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself. Why couldn't things be easier? On days like today, I can see a chip of G-d's plan for us. I love it when you have those "ah ha" moments. Life is tough, hard, brutal, yet there is nothing like it when you watch your child laugh, smile, and yes, sleep. Time really does go by so fast, it almost seems surreal. Months ago I cried as Isaiah got onto the bus for the first time, it seemed so unknown and painful. Could he ever get better? Today I cried tears as I saw my big boy get off the big yellow school bus and run into my arms saying "Summer's here! Now I get to be with YOU!" As the big yellow bus drove away, I couldn't help but smile, it's going to be a great summer. May G-d be PRAISED!!

The Dream

As many of you already know, Aurora would be turning 8 on June 21st. Since the passing of our first born and beautiful baby girl, I have prayed to have a dream about her. Frustratingly, nothing... The years have gone by, yet it seems only weeks have passed since I last held my first born in my arms. She was so amazingly beautiful. At 3 pounds 11 ounces and 16 1/2 inches long, she rocked our world. I remember holding her so close and stroking her unbelievably petal soft skin. Trying to take in every since thing about her so that I would forget nothing. Thankfully, I remember pretty much everything about our short time with her. To hear her cry, to know her heart was beating, she was alive! For the hour and a half that she was alive, my heart had never known such a pure, unconditional love like that before. Her fingers were long and her nails were perfectly shaped ovals that looked perfect for painting pink. Her blond brown hair had little finger waves, perfect for stroking and softness I had never known. She had a perfectly shaped bow mouth with big chipmunk cheeks that all of my kids have seemed to inherit. Oh how I could go on, she was perfect! In a glow of golden light, G-d called her home. I had never experienced such love and yet such utter sorrow in my life. There is something so wrong and so unnatural about outliving your child, let alone a baby. I remember after they told me that she wouldn't make it, thinking, "it'll be sad, but G-d never gives you anything that you can't handle. It'll be fine." That is, until I held my almost full term baby girl. I can tell you my dear friends, never judge how you would handle something unless you yourself have been in that situation. There is something about judging someone elses reaction and stating how you would handle the situation. Not only is it not helpful, but it's demeaning to someone else's pain. I remember barely being able to dress myself, eat, even breathe. The whole situation seemed surreal. That part about G-d never giving you any more than you can handle, not true. Read the bible, it doesn't say it in that context. There are people that can't handle life everyday, that end their own life. I do not judge them, I have been to the bottom and I understand the pain. To tell you the truth, the only reason I didn't was because of Seth. Okay no more lecture, back to the dream!! So anyways, I prayed every night for G-d to send me a dream, anything about Aurora. Since she barely lived, I find that it's hard for me to get people to acknowledge her. I hear more about Elijah, but rarely her. And then it happened! The other night I fell asleep to awaken to two baby girls in my arms. They are newborns. I keep on checking their diapers to see if they had peed. The one baby girl does and I am relieved. So my focus shifts, to who I am assuming was Aurora. In my dream I actually get to take her home. She is alive and eats, moves, almost completely normal, yet I know my time is limited. I soak in every moment of her, fuss about her beauty and keep on checking that diaper! In the whole dream, she never goes. It sounds depressing, but people I could feel her, it was so real! It seemed like hours and I got to bask in the glow of her presence. My heart felt like it was dancing. We were at another place and I could sense people all around us, yet I wasn't aware. My focus was only on this perfect girl. I talked with her, bundled her, loved on her, ooohh my eyes are teary just thinking of it! In my dream, like in real life, she died in my arms. It was so strange as all the pain of her initial death was felt in entirety of what really happened. It was to much to bear. For those of you who have held your child in your arms with no life, you know it. It is an unmistakable feeling that is indescribable. It was excruciating. I was crying to Seth, who was also weeping with me. I just said to him, it was worth it. He nods with a smile that I have seen before. I tell him I want more children, he agrees. I look down at her and say, "this hurts, but you are worth it." I woke up weeping, almost in shock. But as I woke up, I just kept on thinking as bad as it hurt to lose her, I am so glad we had our children. They were worth the pain and sorrow, as their short lives brought much more happiness and joy than anyone will ever understand. So I ran down stairs to tell Seth and I tell him my dream. Tears are streaming down my face as I choke back the sobs. It sounds depressing, but it brought me a peaceful wholeness I have so longed to have. I got to hold my baby girl again. Even if it was physically real, it was as though my soul felt it. I tell you, it was a gift that only G-d could have sent. My little girl wouldn't be so little anymore. I imagine and think about her and Elijah daily. They are always missed and their pictures are still hung. In life or in death, they will always be our children.