Lately things have been getting better. I am trying hard to fit the pieces of the puzzle, we call life, together. As you know, I tend to go back and forth, up and down, and round and round. I am trying my darnedest to get myself together, not only for my husband and kids, but for me as well. I want to be healthy in body, mind, and soul. I so badly would love to go to someones house and not be so insecure that I beat myself up on the way home, wondering if they'll ever talk to me again, because I said something stupid. I want my kids to be proud of their mom when I come to pick them up at school. I want my husband to feel that he married the right women and be forever attracted to me. But mainly what I want, is to be secure in my faith with G-d. I cared about G-d growing up, but more in a way of getting my gold sticker in the sky, kind of thing. But then we had our kids. They were here so briefly, only to be whisked away leaving us with empty arms and broken hearts. With Aurora, throughout my pregnancy, I tried hard to put on a front of, we'll be okay and we just want to meet her. People would tell me how strong I was that we didn't end the pregnancy. I remember the doctor suggesting to have an abortion because the emotional pain would be too much. I really didn't understand what he meant. I figured, she was the one who was going to die, not me. That is until I held her in my arms. I loved her and knew her through out my pregnancy, she made me feel whole. I remember seeing her face and the love was so intense that I believed that she wouldn't die. But she did and part of me went with her (I don't regret my decision of having her one bit). I was so angry at G-d. I couldn't understand why he was punishing me, after all, I carried her to full term, didn't that prove to Him anything. I so badly wanted every family member to be in love with her, every bit as much as if she was going to live. Some coped in the way by responding, that they didn't know her. Again, I blamed G-d. I was so angry and frustrated, we did everything right, and yet everything ended up so wrong. Then we had the miscarriages and I felt even more abandoned. I even started to not care about anything. I became agoraphobic and just shut down. With each day that passed, I so badly wanted G-d to come and give me answers. I wondered if I believed right and wanted to fix it, if not. As we approached the idea of getting pregnant again, we realized that G-d would be the only way that we could handle anything. Even after we found out that Eli might not live, we prayed, and prayed, and recited verses. I could go on and on. I know for a fact, G-d was with us. Recently, I have had some people come into my life and challenge my faith (Jesus). While I tried to defend what I believe, I found myself stumped. One person has been educated beyond anything I have encountered. He told me how they pray, and how serious there families take each prayer and so on. It got me thinking. How strongly do I believe and why? No, I am not converting, but what I am saying is, how much time do I really dedicate to G-d? Do my prayers reflect wants and self need, or prayers of Praise and others? In every action that I do, am I thinking first about how G-d would want me to act, or my own feelings? I have lately felt like a Hebrew out in the desert for 40 years wandering around. G-d keeps on showing me the way, but I keep on asking for more proof. I have found myself doubting, which automatically chills me to the core. I want, no scratch that, I NEED to have faith that is so deeply rooted that a Tsunami couldn't uproot me. You know the parable about the seeds? I can so identify with that. I feel like my roots are there, but they easily get pulled up and shifted around. I find myself envying the people that are so sure of where they are going after they die. I myself, I want so badly to believe, but am so scared, what if I am wrong? I mean, this is eternity that we are talking about people! I feel so ashamed that I can't get past this. Where do I belong and where am I supposed to go? Why can't I just worry about the stuff that has answers like, what are the latest fashions.? Seth gets so frustrated with me. He asks me why I beat myself up with something that I can't get the answers to?(Meaning G-d is not going to send me an email) I apologize ahead of time for anyone that this might offend. I am just stating how I feel. I just want to be 100% sure, since I need to raise my kids with my beliefs. How can I say, "Mommy doesn't know?" I know and believe in G-d, without a doubt. The G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, but then I wonder about Jesus. So many people have claimed that they are the son of G-d. To me, Jesus fulfilled all of the prophesies, but then I was informed that we aren't reading the texts in the original form. In Isaiah 53, it is Israel that they are talking about and not Jesus. I want to pull my hair out!! I got down on my knees today and just prayed. I am so confused. Could my faith be this easily shaken? There's more to the conversations, but you get my drift. Things have been going so well, and now this! Part of me feels beaten, but the other part feels challenged. The old me would wine and sulk, but I have decided to find the answers. Yes, I am on a quest to truly find what it is I unwaveringly believe in. Say a prayer for me folks, because I'm going in! I can't help but feel a little behind. Shouldn't someone at the age of 30, almost 31 have her ducks in a row by now? Am I the only one? Well, I just had to get my thoughts out, so that I can begin to process them. On the plus side, now that you all are sitting there with your mouths hanging open, Isaiah is doing much better. Things are going great with the positive reinforcement. Aria has an appt. on Friday to see the ENT about getting tubes. She appears to have had the same ear infection for quite a while and the antibiotics aren't helping. If you have a moment, please pray for me, that G-d would reveal the truth that I am seeking in an undeniable, but gentle way. Hey, there is always room to learn, right?
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