Rip Tide

So, this last week has been a week of pondering and learning. I have been trying hard to find the answers that I am looking for, only to create more questions and frustration. Sometimes I feel like I am pushing a boulder up a mountain with no end in sight. I feel like there are so many things in my life that should be figured out, so that I can move on to what is to come. Instead, I have things piling up and am quite disorganized. The older that I am getting, the more stupider I feel. I almost feel like I am in quick sand, the more I am trying to get out, the more I get bogged down. I just wish I could be myself, without worrying that every little thing I say, is going to create controversy. Sometimes I think about packing Seth, the kids, and I up, and hopping in the car and just driving far away. While it might sound like running from my problems, I say, I have stayed in the same place for almost 12 years, maybe I just need something different. There are so many things I love about where I live, yet I feel like I kind of stopped being able to grow in a positive way. I feel a couple of the relationships that should be the easiest to deal with, are becoming more and more difficult and depressing. As I know from pruning my bushes, sometimes you have to cut off the branches that aren't growing in the right way, or else the bush becomes overgrown non-fruitful. Instead of being able to produce beautiful foliage for everyone to see. I have been praying to G-d, but I still haven't received any deep answers that I have been searching for (although, the emails really gave me hope). I know that life isn't easy. And if I have to hear one more time, "it could be worse," I think I might scream. Of course it could be, remember, I have been there. But please don't belittle my pain as this is my current struggle and I am just being open about it. I am an intense feeling person. As we are learning with Isaiah's doctors, personalities develop pretty much from the get go. Not to say you can't change. Though it's going to be like swimming upstream. I am thinking about forgetting all this multitasking problem solving, and narrowing it down to one or two things that I can work at, that I'll actually be able to solve. So many times, I find myself trying to fix things situations, that can't be fixed. I want so much for everyone to have the best life that they can, and if I am judged as a perfectionist, the so be it. As we are encroaching Eli's 5 year anniversary since he died, things have been getting very emotional. I only have so much to give. Sometimes I think it's hard to explain to others that even though a half of a decade has passed since their child has died, the pain and emptiness is still there. Especially with a baby that only lived for 6 1/2 months. Everyone has heard all his stories and there is nothing new to add, but I still want to talk about him, both of them. There are people that have lived the nightmare, and I am one of them. It isn't a fear, it actually happened and it still hurts. If you can't tell, I am having a bad day. I feel like I am caught in a rip tide, being drug out to sea. This whole religion/culture thing has really hit me hard. Now that I have thoroughly depressed everyone, Aria did have her doctor appt. He is leaving it to be our decision about getting her tubes. He said if it was the beginning of winter, he'd go for it, but hopefully the colds will be less frequent. Here I was, all set to do it, but he did say he was concerned about the anesthesia. So Seth and I are still trying to decide. On Wednesday, we have Isaiah's official diagnostic appt. I am looking forward to going back, as we are really trying to have our child live the best life possible, and we need tools to continue all of us on that path. Prayers are greatly in need, if you can't tell. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.