Life

Hey all, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth just yet. It's been quite the exciting hectic week. First off, my oh my how happy I have been to have the sun back! Praise the Lord and a Hallelujah! It really seems to be a natural anti-depressant. I found myself acting like a cat, just basking in it's warmth for some solar charging. I pretty much have been taking the kids out at every opportunity so I can run them till they poop out and get some Vitamin D. Seeing the two outside together has been quite the hoot. We are hoping to get some backyard toys to make it interesting, instead of the tennis ball, bouncy ball, and bat, they continuously bowl each other over for. Isaiah is obsessed about balls, so every time Aria goes near one, you'd think Pluto exploded. But it's made for some great lessons on sharing. Isaiah is responding to his "plan" better and better each day. We try hard to reinforce the positives and talk about the negative with a hint of discipline. We start out with positive affirmations in the morning, by having him repeat "I am a good boy. I have a beautiful smile. I am so smart. etc" You get the picture, to help build his self esteem. He still has trouble listening, but what child doesn't . We had a play date today, and he passed with flying colors. Not one tantrum! He even hugged and cared for his friend, I get teary eyed just thinking about it. Aria is cutting her eye teeth, so she is just chewing on every thing. I found her in the back yard chewing on the swing set chain (just when I thought I had seen it all). She is talking more and more each day and is entering into the world of "Diva." When I ask for her to give me something, sometimes she'll give it to me right away and respond with "bank goo" (thank you) or like today, she'll take the item and slam in into the ground like she just scored a touch down. Instead of cheers, I get a, NO! and then a fall to the ground with just enough drama that I think I she may be nominated for an Oscar. Speaking of drama, the other day we went out for a walk to the park. We were all geared up with Mya, our dog. Isaiah insisted on holding her leash while on the walk (do you see where this is going?) I told Seth that evenings aren't a good time to try this out, as Mya is freakishly strong for her tiny frame and there are lots of dogs out. But Seth insisted on not rocking the boat (typical father). I backed off and told him to watch closely as I know I tend to over protect (although my radar was off the charts). Our main street that we live on, is really busy, so we went the back way to the park. Where what upon should we encounter? Yes, you guessed it, a dog. Now Mya is a lot like me. She is very small, and barks a lot. She also thinks she can over take any dog, no matter how big or small. So of course she starts to run to the street. I was pushing the stroller and trying to burn off my calories from lunch when I said "seth, Seth, SETH!!!" As I watch in horror to see Mya pulling Isaiah to the busy street so she could go give that dog a piece of her mind. I realized Seth wasn't paying attention, so I let go of the stroller, ran after Isaiah and tackled him to the ground all the while shouting a profanity so loud that the whole neighborhood had to have heard. I can only imagine what the onlookers must have been thinking. A grown women tackling a child while shouting a swear word, yeah pretty classy. Isaiah was only inches from getting hit by a quick moving car and I closed my eyes as I waited to hear a "Screeeeeeeeeeech" and the thud of Mya's little body being pummeled. Thankfully, she pulled back at the last minute. I then picked up Isaiah, who is crying from the shock of his mom plowing him into the ground and hugged him. I whispered the reassuring words to the tune of "wanna go to the park?" "Oh yes," he says. I turn around to give Seth the look that only women can do. Yes, there must've been daggers coming out of my eyes. Seth stood their, white as a ghost. I didn't need to say a word. I just started to walk as Seth trailed behind in his walk of shame. I must say, I have always been worried that I might not be motherly enough. But when I got up to see, both of us would've been hit, I was kind of proud of myself. You always see movies where people knock people out of the way and wonder, could I do that? Suffice to say, my mom-dar was on. As for my faith struggle, I am still having trouble. I have barely been able to pray. I don't know how to explain it, but it's been a terrible feeling. Please continue your prayers. I apologize for not updating pictures. Seth moved them to another program and I haven't been able to figure out how to get them yet. Well anyways, that's my life in a nutshell. I hope to be writing more. I get withdrawn when I am upset, writing helps me not succumb to that. Ahh, to be a professional writer, one can dream. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

Ready, Set, Go!

So we finally had Isaiah's highly anticipated appt. yesterday. It wasn't as ground breaking as our previous appt. two weeks ago. It was more like a reiteration of what we had discussed before, but I am glad we went. They are continuing on with the current diagnosis of PDD-NOS with anxiety-NOS. They said, with hard work, in the next few years, we may even be able to drop the the PDD label. As for the anxiety (which runs on both sides of the family) we are going to begin teaching him coping mechanizes now, that will hopefully help him learn to deal with it later in life (something, I too will benefit from). All in all, they said he will excel greatly in his career as he is brilliant. The part where he is lagging behind, is socially. They said while his intelligence is years ahead of him, his social capabilities are that of a child going through their terrible two's. He is having trouble coping with his feelings and transistions, and doesn't understand how to process them, so he goes into over drive (it's almost like watching a train wreck when this happens). But he is progressing so well, that if we continue to work our tushes off, then me may be able to head this off while he is young. I don't know if you guys have seen the new show called Parenthood, late Tuesday nights. One of the issues they are addressing (and I am so grateful for) is Asperger's. I love how they are showing how hard it is for the parents to accept, and all the hard work and worry that is going to be facing their entire family. Also, on this last weeks episode, the child actually manipulates the parents with eating (we struggle huge in this area) to get more TV time. I loved how they captured how rigid he is and temperamental, just to get him to go to a doctor's appt. If you ever want to kind of understand what we do on a daily basis, this show has captures so far, what we deal with (on a different scale of course). As we were driving home, I told Seth, maybe this is one of the reason's that G-d gave us Aurora and Elijah. They were sent to teach us how much we should value each life and work hard, even if it isn't considered a "normal situation." As Eli's pass away date is rapidly approaching, I have already begun to struggle about what happened in his last month of his life. So now I am trying to look at using my regret of not being able to rescue him, to rescue Isaiah. While both situations are entirely different, the amount of effort is very similar. With Eli, it was chronic round the clock care to balance his electrolytes, blood pressure, and solutions. With Isaiah, it is round the clock care to managing his behavior, transisitons, and teaching him about emotions that most of us, never think twice about. I know one of the hardest things most of us struggle with, is a feeling of being accepted and loved. I worry about him not being able to take social cues with bullies, and recognizing he may not have as many friends as the other kids because he is different. But I believe with G-d's help, we can rise above this, even though I know the road will be long and hard. Again, we saw other children that were there, who were fully autistic, it made things look that much more hopeful. Still, this is a hard situation and each family has there own struggles that are difficult to them and maybe not in the eyes of others. Seth was saying that he looked at this as a blessing. He's been thinking that this is not only going to make us better parents, but most of the time people with quirky things in their personality tend to be extremely successful. So while I have my days, where I am frustrated with him beyond belief, I am having so many more days of "wow, this is one amazing kid!" He's hilarious, and always has something to say. When I don't feel well, he comes up to me and says "I'll make it all better," or "Mommy, I need a hug and will you hold my hand." They reassured us, he'll get married and have relationships, but that he is going to need a tremendous amount of familial and friend support. So my goal, as the weather begins to warm up, is to call all of my friends and set up play date after play date, to encourage the skills that he needs to socialize even better. He loves kids and is really interacting with them in a way we have never seen before, thanks to his school. We are now going to try "test runs" at public places, to try and help him get past his rigidity and anxiety. We are going to push him just beyond what he is comfortable with and hopefully this will build his tolerance levels. It's much easier to do one on one, but with Aria, it's making it quite a challenge. But that is what parenting is about, it's not for wimps. Also pushing the positive reinforcement in the simple things we take for granted, he loves the compliments. I am really excited to see how the next few years will progress, something I'd never thought I'd say. I see nothing but success coming our way. Who knows, maybe he'll discover a planet he loves more than Pluto (he loves Pluto), if anyone could do it, it'd be Isaiah. It's game time, ready, set, GO!

Rip Tide

So, this last week has been a week of pondering and learning. I have been trying hard to find the answers that I am looking for, only to create more questions and frustration. Sometimes I feel like I am pushing a boulder up a mountain with no end in sight. I feel like there are so many things in my life that should be figured out, so that I can move on to what is to come. Instead, I have things piling up and am quite disorganized. The older that I am getting, the more stupider I feel. I almost feel like I am in quick sand, the more I am trying to get out, the more I get bogged down. I just wish I could be myself, without worrying that every little thing I say, is going to create controversy. Sometimes I think about packing Seth, the kids, and I up, and hopping in the car and just driving far away. While it might sound like running from my problems, I say, I have stayed in the same place for almost 12 years, maybe I just need something different. There are so many things I love about where I live, yet I feel like I kind of stopped being able to grow in a positive way. I feel a couple of the relationships that should be the easiest to deal with, are becoming more and more difficult and depressing. As I know from pruning my bushes, sometimes you have to cut off the branches that aren't growing in the right way, or else the bush becomes overgrown non-fruitful. Instead of being able to produce beautiful foliage for everyone to see. I have been praying to G-d, but I still haven't received any deep answers that I have been searching for (although, the emails really gave me hope). I know that life isn't easy. And if I have to hear one more time, "it could be worse," I think I might scream. Of course it could be, remember, I have been there. But please don't belittle my pain as this is my current struggle and I am just being open about it. I am an intense feeling person. As we are learning with Isaiah's doctors, personalities develop pretty much from the get go. Not to say you can't change. Though it's going to be like swimming upstream. I am thinking about forgetting all this multitasking problem solving, and narrowing it down to one or two things that I can work at, that I'll actually be able to solve. So many times, I find myself trying to fix things situations, that can't be fixed. I want so much for everyone to have the best life that they can, and if I am judged as a perfectionist, the so be it. As we are encroaching Eli's 5 year anniversary since he died, things have been getting very emotional. I only have so much to give. Sometimes I think it's hard to explain to others that even though a half of a decade has passed since their child has died, the pain and emptiness is still there. Especially with a baby that only lived for 6 1/2 months. Everyone has heard all his stories and there is nothing new to add, but I still want to talk about him, both of them. There are people that have lived the nightmare, and I am one of them. It isn't a fear, it actually happened and it still hurts. If you can't tell, I am having a bad day. I feel like I am caught in a rip tide, being drug out to sea. This whole religion/culture thing has really hit me hard. Now that I have thoroughly depressed everyone, Aria did have her doctor appt. He is leaving it to be our decision about getting her tubes. He said if it was the beginning of winter, he'd go for it, but hopefully the colds will be less frequent. Here I was, all set to do it, but he did say he was concerned about the anesthesia. So Seth and I are still trying to decide. On Wednesday, we have Isaiah's official diagnostic appt. I am looking forward to going back, as we are really trying to have our child live the best life possible, and we need tools to continue all of us on that path. Prayers are greatly in need, if you can't tell. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

Walking on fences

Lately things have been getting better. I am trying hard to fit the pieces of the puzzle, we call life, together. As you know, I tend to go back and forth, up and down, and round and round. I am trying my darnedest to get myself together, not only for my husband and kids, but for me as well. I want to be healthy in body, mind, and soul. I so badly would love to go to someones house and not be so insecure that I beat myself up on the way home, wondering if they'll ever talk to me again, because I said something stupid. I want my kids to be proud of their mom when I come to pick them up at school. I want my husband to feel that he married the right women and be forever attracted to me. But mainly what I want, is to be secure in my faith with G-d. I cared about G-d growing up, but more in a way of getting my gold sticker in the sky, kind of thing. But then we had our kids. They were here so briefly, only to be whisked away leaving us with empty arms and broken hearts. With Aurora, throughout my pregnancy, I tried hard to put on a front of, we'll be okay and we just want to meet her. People would tell me how strong I was that we didn't end the pregnancy. I remember the doctor suggesting to have an abortion because the emotional pain would be too much. I really didn't understand what he meant. I figured, she was the one who was going to die, not me. That is until I held her in my arms. I loved her and knew her through out my pregnancy, she made me feel whole. I remember seeing her face and the love was so intense that I believed that she wouldn't die. But she did and part of me went with her (I don't regret my decision of having her one bit). I was so angry at G-d. I couldn't understand why he was punishing me, after all, I carried her to full term, didn't that prove to Him anything. I so badly wanted every family member to be in love with her, every bit as much as if she was going to live. Some coped in the way by responding, that they didn't know her. Again, I blamed G-d. I was so angry and frustrated, we did everything right, and yet everything ended up so wrong. Then we had the miscarriages and I felt even more abandoned. I even started to not care about anything. I became agoraphobic and just shut down. With each day that passed, I so badly wanted G-d to come and give me answers. I wondered if I believed right and wanted to fix it, if not. As we approached the idea of getting pregnant again, we realized that G-d would be the only way that we could handle anything. Even after we found out that Eli might not live, we prayed, and prayed, and recited verses. I could go on and on. I know for a fact, G-d was with us. Recently, I have had some people come into my life and challenge my faith (Jesus). While I tried to defend what I believe, I found myself stumped. One person has been educated beyond anything I have encountered. He told me how they pray, and how serious there families take each prayer and so on. It got me thinking. How strongly do I believe and why? No, I am not converting, but what I am saying is, how much time do I really dedicate to G-d? Do my prayers reflect wants and self need, or prayers of Praise and others? In every action that I do, am I thinking first about how G-d would want me to act, or my own feelings? I have lately felt like a Hebrew out in the desert for 40 years wandering around. G-d keeps on showing me the way, but I keep on asking for more proof. I have found myself doubting, which automatically chills me to the core. I want, no scratch that, I NEED to have faith that is so deeply rooted that a Tsunami couldn't uproot me. You know the parable about the seeds? I can so identify with that. I feel like my roots are there, but they easily get pulled up and shifted around. I find myself envying the people that are so sure of where they are going after they die. I myself, I want so badly to believe, but am so scared, what if I am wrong? I mean, this is eternity that we are talking about people! I feel so ashamed that I can't get past this. Where do I belong and where am I supposed to go? Why can't I just worry about the stuff that has answers like, what are the latest fashions.? Seth gets so frustrated with me. He asks me why I beat myself up with something that I can't get the answers to?(Meaning G-d is not going to send me an email) I apologize ahead of time for anyone that this might offend. I am just stating how I feel. I just want to be 100% sure, since I need to raise my kids with my beliefs. How can I say, "Mommy doesn't know?" I know and believe in G-d, without a doubt. The G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, but then I wonder about Jesus. So many people have claimed that they are the son of G-d. To me, Jesus fulfilled all of the prophesies, but then I was informed that we aren't reading the texts in the original form. In Isaiah 53, it is Israel that they are talking about and not Jesus. I want to pull my hair out!! I got down on my knees today and just prayed. I am so confused. Could my faith be this easily shaken? There's more to the conversations, but you get my drift. Things have been going so well, and now this! Part of me feels beaten, but the other part feels challenged. The old me would wine and sulk, but I have decided to find the answers. Yes, I am on a quest to truly find what it is I unwaveringly believe in. Say a prayer for me folks, because I'm going in! I can't help but feel a little behind. Shouldn't someone at the age of 30, almost 31 have her ducks in a row by now? Am I the only one? Well, I just had to get my thoughts out, so that I can begin to process them. On the plus side, now that you all are sitting there with your mouths hanging open, Isaiah is doing much better. Things are going great with the positive reinforcement. Aria has an appt. on Friday to see the ENT about getting tubes. She appears to have had the same ear infection for quite a while and the antibiotics aren't helping. If you have a moment, please pray for me, that G-d would reveal the truth that I am seeking in an undeniable, but gentle way. Hey, there is always room to learn, right?