Sunshine

The Sun is out today. You never realize how much it affects your moods until you don't see it for awhile. I find that I have more energy and tend to be much more perky when I wake up to a stream of beautiful sunlight peaking in my blinds. I ended up taking Aria to the mall, as she's been feeling much better. I just needed to get out. I felt like the walls of the house were closing in on me. As my little lady toddled around, I got many smiles and compliments over how cute she is. Of course, I beamed like a proud Mama. In one split second of toddling, Aria fell to the floor and licked it. Yes, you heard right, the germaphobe's kid licked the floor. To make matters more interesting, she decided to go over to the beauty product section of Kohl's and lick the area where the people throw their trash away for cosmetics. Again (pause) my daughter licked the equivalent of a trash can. What can I say that hasn't been said? I actually handled myself pretty well. I only shrieked in disbelief once. Aria really enjoyed looking at the stores and even zoomed in on Striderite to look at the shoes (ah, a girl after my own heart!). She'd look at clothing individually and not try to pull them off the hangers. It really was quite a sight to see her in a flash forward as a teenager, rummaging through clothing. It was nice to have some mother/daughter bonding. After we got home, Isaiah joined us after school. He happily told me about his day as he munched on his favorite, bagels with cream cheese. The conversations that he and I have are becoming more and more developed each day. He even starts off some of his sentences with So.... The other thing he does that is so adorable, is when you ask him if he wants something and he replies with a "oh, yes." with such honor in his voice. I asked him what his favorite colors were. Of course he said black. I then asked him, what others he liked. His response wasn't what I expected. "Black, white, brown, and dark blue." All very neutral colors. I asked him what he thought about orange or red, and he again clarified with a very definitive tone, "black, white, brown, and dark blue." I just had to laugh. The thing I love about Isaiah, and kids around his age, they aren't afraid to talk about things. Sure, sometimes it can be embarrassing when they divulge family secrets in the cereal aisle or comment on the way people look, but they live with such inhibition. He talks about Aurora and Elijah almost every day. It normally isn't much, just a statement, but it almost always comes out of nowhere. We talk about them here and there, but not all the time. He proudly proclaims (he lives up to his middle name) that he has 2 sister's and one brother. There was a picture of flowers over by the kids (the mausoleum) I said something to the effect that the picture was taken where we got to visit Aurora and Elijah. He matter of factly replied, "and Jesus! Because they live in Heaven with him." Then he ran off to go and play. I swear my heart must have burst open with love. I've always been wondering how we'd handle explaining Rory and Eli to our future children. I am excited to see that he handles it so well. I know that he is only 3 1/2 and I am sure it won't always be this way, but for now, it's good. Eli's pass away date in coming up in April. I am trying to think of something for us to do as a family in remembrance of him. I am learning to grieve in a different way. I am trying hard to focus on all the good that our kids lives have brought into ours, how much better we are for all they brought. I don't want our kids to associate them with just sadness and depression. Instead, I want it to be an array of emotions, especially joy. Even though I still have my dark days, as I'd be a liar if I said I didn't, I want to remember them with tears of joy and sweetness. Here are some pictures of Eli before going into surgery. We didn't know if he'd make or not.





It was the first time I ever got to hold him without being attached to tubes. I used to not be able to look at these pictures without pain,but now I see me dancing with my son. Elijah and Aurora's short time here on earth changed my ways with G-d. He was no longer just a big light in the sky, instead he became real.
I wish He could have allowed them to remain with us, but I am learning that their deaths have made way for sunshine in my life. That is the ray of light that is hope. The hope that one day we all be together in Heaven without pain, depression, or tears. I still miss his vanilla cookie smell and how I wish Aurora could've been at the mall with us today. But today I will smile, as I am so blessed to their mom. After all, they brought me sunshine.