It all started when...

Hello everyone! Today is a start on a new chapter of my writing. For those of you who have been with me on the Carepages, you know my story. For those of you, who are new, I will give you our history. My husband (Seth) and I have been together for almost 10 1/2 years now. When we met, we knew our relationship would go through a lot. But never in wildest thoughts, were we prepared for what was to come. When we became pregnant with our 1st child, we were shocked and ecstatic. We had been trying for over a year to get pregnant and just thought that we couldn't have children. To our amazement, we found out in the Med. center that I was pregnant when I cut my hand open (I still have that beautiful scar). A couple of days later, in my heart, I knew something was wrong. I spoke with the doctor and she told me it was first mother jitters. I had hoped she was right, yet knew she was wrong. After bleeding and cramping while I was at work, she finally sent me in for an ultrasound. Seth and I were excited, as we'd never had been apart of one before. I remember the tech walking in and doing her thing, when I noticed her becoming more and more quiet. Something was wrong. We asked for answers, but she couldn't give us any. She kept on coming in and out of the room with no words. We didn't have the greatest insurance, so it was place where there was no doctor to speak with. I guess they just send the results to your doctor. The tech finally spoke, "We need to get a hold of a specialist, your doctor will be in touch." And that was that, we sat there in shock, as we were young and had no idea what to do. I am a compulsive worrier, so I did what I did best, I worried for what seemed like years. My doctor called and told us we needed to go immediately to a Perinatologist as soon as they could get us in. Meanwhile, I had no answers to tell my job and I was missing more and more work. Long story short, we got into the specialist to be told that our baby had no amniotic fluid, which probably meant that there were no kidneys. Being all of 22 years old, when you hear kidneys, you think, easy transplant, not a big deal. So he told us to come back at 16 weeks to confirm. The weeks inched by, every day I would bleed and be told I might miscarry at any moment. So I started Progesterone shots in my hip everyday. My husband would give them to me. They were painful, as the fluid is incredibly thick and the needle goes into the muscle. I didn't care, I just wanted my baby to live. Finally the day came to go back to the doctor. He came in to confirm our worst fears. "Your baby has no kidneys. If a baby doesn't have kidneys, they can't produce urine. Amniotic fluid is baby urine which helps develop the lungs. Your baby will probably be born still born. So you may want to consider and abortion." We sat there, wide eyed, with no words able to come out. How could this happen? He went on to tell me the baby would suffer more as the baby grew, as it would get cramped and there was no chance for life. My heart felt like it had stopped. He later sent in another doctor, just to be sure that he was correct. This doctor came in quietly, and agreed. I started to cry. He asked us if we'd like to go into the other room and talk. I agreed quickly. As we waited for him to come in, Seth and I clung together like koala's, and cried. The doctor came in and sat down and asked me a question I'd never forget. "Are you a believer?" I replied yes. He then opened up a bible and showed me a verse in Romans 8:28, "And we know in all things G-d works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." He went on to explain, but I really wasn't listening. I just remember at that moment, wondering how G-d could do this to us. I then went on to tell him what the other doctor had said about abortion. I asked him what to do. Abortion had never been anything I'd ever considered to do, so I had no clue. He then assured me the baby would feel no pain and that we might even be able to deliver the baby alive, but that it would die shortly there after. Honestly looking back, I was scared out of my mind and was quite freaked out about a baby dying inside of me and then having to carry it around. Thankfully we decided we wanted to meet the child, as I was already in love. We weren't able to find out the baby's sex as there was no amniotic fluid to give the ability to look around. I am nosey, so I really wanted to know. Every day was a struggle, but thankfully the doctor that spoke with us agreed to be my primary. With that he allowed for us to have as many ultrasounds that we wanted, so that we could get to know our baby. I was truly grateful, as most people count a baby alive after it's born, me, it was the day I saw two lines. With each ultrasound we grew to know the baby, it responded when Seth would come home and talk, when I cried, when I ate, it was like I the baby's personality. Finally at one of the ultrasounds, I begged the tech to guess. She looked long and hard and finally said that the baby seemed to have hips, that it could be a girl. I was elated! I had originally wanted to name her Isabella Rose, but when I learned she wasn't going to live, I wanted a different name. I remember sitting up late one night (I began to have insomnia) and watching a movie on Discovery. They were talking about the Northern lights, and said "the Aurora Borealis, you never know when or how long it's going to stay, but it's a wonder to behold." I looked at Seth and we knew Aurora would be her name. Also, the story of sleeping beauty, her name is actually Aurora. We knew she'd die, but we didn't know when or how long she'd stay but that she'd be beautiful, so we thought she'd be our "Sleeping Beauty." Her middle name was Skye, because I wanted it to be something that would constantly remind us of her, so we'd never forget. My relationships deteriorated with my pregnancy as I had only focused on her. I was very protective and wanted her to count every bit as much as anyone else's pregnancies. I found out that most people wrote her off as it made them to uncomfortable, so it was just Seth and I (that's how I saw it at the time). Aurora Skye was born on June 21st at Dawn, she lived for an hour and a half. She cried to little cries and didn't move much. For that hour and half, I'd never felt so alive and whole. With family surrounding us, she quietly died in our arms. The room was bright and golden, it seemed like it was noon, but really it wasn't. Everyone got quiet and when they told us her heart had stopped, and I felt I died along right with her. She was so beautiful, 3 pounds 11 ounces and 16 1/2 inches long. She had finger waved blond/brown hair and beautifully long fingers. I had never felt love so intense before. We ended up cremating her (which is a story in itself), we couldn't afford to bury her. So her ashes were put into a Royal Dalton and the rest in a silver locket necklace that I wear around my neck to this day. We did have an autopsy done to find out what happened. Thankfully we did, as this informed us of a new thing we'd never heard of. We were first told that she had bilateral agenisis due to Potter's Syndrome, which means it was a fluke. We then were informed of a syndrome I'd never heard of and now has become a regular thing in our home, Brachial Oto Renal Syndrome (or BOR syndrome) it affects the kidney's, ears, and the neck. Sometimes you can have one or all, she unfortunately got the worst of it. Me, I have renal dysplasia and really bad hearing. My life fell apart after she died. I was so depressed and angry that I could barely function. We later got pregnant twice, which ended in miscarriages. We got pregnant again with our first son Elijah, but I'll save that for another day. After I explain my history, so you can get to know us better, I will then go forward with what is happening now. I intend for this year to be a year filled with goals to live my life as full as possible, letting go of the anger and embracing the joy. But if you are new, I must warn you, I say what's on my mind. Some days are high, and some are low, but most of all, I intend to be as real as I can. I am inviting you into my life to share a wide variety of emotions and I love to hear feedback, so feel free to leave messages or questions. I am searching to find the life I am hoping to lead without forgetting what is important. I am hoping to live my life for G-d and not for myself and others. But hey, it's just a process, I am human after all. Anyone who knows us, our motto is "watch, pray, believe, and be amazed."