Our son, Isaiah Proclaim

So now, I am almost done with all the history of how I got started writing. We come to my now 3 1/2 year old, Isaiah Proclaim. We were so excited when he was born, as we really pushed the envelope in having more children. We prayed and prayed ( for good health and forgot to pray for patience) and out came this spitfire of a child. Elijah was incredibly laid back, more like his Dad. Isaiah, on the other hand, picked my personality to mimic. I remember holding him and it was so weird that he didn't have any tubes or medicines. Everything would be smooth sailing from here on out, right? With Eli, we fought so hard to keep him alive, that we never really dealt with "normal issues." From the time he was born, Isaiah cried all the time. Here was this supposed healthy child, yet he seemed more upset than Eli, who had been terminally ill. I was convinced he must be sick. I called the doctor non-stop and the protective Mama gloves went on. I was vigilant in trying to keep him from getting sick, for fear that he would die (Lord knows, he was crying like he was). Still, Isaiah cried and there was almost nothing we could do to comfort him, except for the TV. Most kids in the middle of the night cry to get picked up, we found to try and comfort him actually irritated him even more. So here I am, living the dream of having a healthy child, and I was terrified. The first year, he pretty much was inconsolable. I would try and take him out, where he easily got agitated, which in turn made me agitated. I became so depressed that I wanted to pack my bags and leave. I had found myself wondering if maybe G-d didn't want me to have kids, because He knew what a lousy mother I'd make. I cried all the time for fear that he was "detached" and the fear that maybe he was sick. Needless to say this sent me in a deep spiral of anxiety, depression, anger, and self loathing. I just wanted to be normal. Why did I always have to fight so hard for everything? It seemed my friends were so natural at being Moms, I seemed anything but. I found myself eating, just to comfort myself. I'd always been less than a hundred pounds, even after I had Eli and Rory, I bounced right back. This time, I had gained 30 pounds. I was so lonely. On top of his crying, I became so overprotective that I barely let him out of the living room. I figured there, he couldn't hurt himself. I threw myself into praying and trying to feel G-d's presence. I had hoped it would ease my anxiety and his. I also worked constantly with Isaiah and the ABC's, numbers, Spanish, and colors. He seemed to like learning and was quite eager to participate, so of course I pummeled him with info. not really thinking anything of it. So, at less than 18 months he was reciting the ABC's, numbers, etc. with ease. He refused to call us Mommy or Daddy and really didn't speak much, except with the learning questions. He hated to eat. Any time we ate, I wanted to pull my hair out. So I indulged him with anything to try and get him to eat, and pretty much that backfired. He ate only particular things and that was it. Isaiah also started to have massive temper tantrums out in public settings. Anytime we'd go anywhere he'd go to pieces with any type of transition. I hung out less and less with people. I felt I had to apologize for his behavior and be ashamed that I was a horrible mother who couldn't control her child. I kept on telling the doctor what was going on. She just told me, that he was a kid with too high of an intelligence was pulling one over on me. Isaiah began to fall in love with the solar system. By the time he was a little over 2, he had memorized all the planets and their moons. He also began to read. With every book he read, the more he learned. I would tell people and of course they thought I was exaggerating, that is until they spent time with him. Their mouths would hit the floor. While I loved his intelligence, I'd rather of had a child that complied with what I wanted him to do. I finally got the doctor to get us an appt. with a behavior specialist, she sent us there just to prove me wrong. Isaiah refused to be cuddled unless it was on his terms and I was spent. I wanted to hug my child without him freaking out. So finally we got in. Normally I am a person who always prepares for the worst, so I don't get surprised. This day, I was actually at ease. I expected they'd tell me I was over reacting. After a while of meeting with the doctor, he came out to tell me what they found. He sat down and just blurted out "your son is on the autistic spectrum." In sheer shock, I sobbed (really, It's hard to make me cry) as I'd wondered all along, while people reassured me I he wasn't. He went on to explain that he probably had a thing called PDD-NOS. He is highly intelligent, but has a hard time socializing. At first they said, he may never move out and he'd have a very difficult life ahead of him. We were devastated. But as they have gotten to know him, they have seen him grow leaps and bounds, much quicker than the typical case. I hated labeling him. I didn't want people to judge him or to become a label, I wanted him to just be "Isaiah." After much praying we enrolled him into 3 year old preschool, (I hesitated big time) to help him build the social skills that he needs. His school experience has been beyond awesome. I admit I was self conscience about sending him, afraid that he and we'd be judged, but it was the best decision we have made for him. He now hugs us and talks a mile a minute. He still is a genius (they tested him) but now he seems to express his feelings and be much more aware of what is going on. We are having him re-evaluated at the end of Feb. as kids with this can outgrow it with the proper treatment (although it varies). Still we are pursuing treatment full throttle as we want him to have as many advantages in life that he can get. He still tries my patience daily. We have to avoid large crowds, and constantly prepare him for the next thing of change. It's tiring, but we are having more good days than bad now. He is incredibly sweet and has the best laugh. We love him dearly and will continue to fight for him to have a regular life. I've had people say hurtful things, that they are glad their kids are normal, insinuating he isn't. I have had to really take stock in who we hang around, to make sure that they are positive and supportive influences for myself and him. Yesterday, we met with his best friend from school. As I was talking to his mother, it was like looking in the mirror. While her child has never been diagnosed, they tend to have similar characteristics. The two are inseparable. They actually played for hours. They pretended with some dolls and constantly hugged each other and called for one another. I was flabbergasted. Her mom drops her daughter off at school, where as Isaiah is picked up by the bus. She said they wait for each other and hold hands, they are two peas in a pod. I found my eyes welling up in tears. Tears of joy and hope, that he can actually play. I know it sounds silly, but Isaiah has always preferred the interaction of adults while longing to play with the kids. Her mother and I chatted like long time friends and felt utter relief in not having to apologize for every little outburst. I am so excited to see how their friendship will blossom and what type of a kid he'll be like. For those who have read my pages, know much almost every detail of our journey, so it's hard to simplify these last years. It's been a struggle, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am learning to trust my instincts, and trying hard to follow G-d (I am quite the control freak) and just to relax. Some days he and I do great, while others, I have to remind myself that tomorrow will be a new day. You are probably wondering when Aria will get mentioned, that my friend is for the next posting.