Elijah's story

I wanted to take a while to really think about how to write Elijah's story. I could write a novel alone, just on his short time here on earth. Since many of you already know his full story, I have decided to write a condensed version. First, you will notice I write in one big paragraph most of the time. I started this on the carepages because every space would be counted and you were only allowed to write a certain amount of spaces, so it's my writing style (even though an English teacher would gasp). Let's begin. I had left off that I had two miscarriages after Aurora, about six months apart. We were devastated. We had spoke with a geneticist about the BOR and had a "genetic painting" done of Seth's and mine blood work. It showed absolutely no reason to go ahead, it was just a random thing. The chances of anything happening again would be astronomical. Increasingly, I became more and more devastated. I actually began to have "preg-dar" or baby radar. What people don't realize after your child dies, that even the littlest things are major obstacles. To go shopping during the day and see baby items, pregnant women, babies, was a stab in the heart. I remember going to our support groups and telling people, thinking they'd think I was crazy. I found out most of them had family shop for them or they'd go shopping after midnight, just to avoid the same things. I was relieved and we took their advice. Seth and I began shopping at 1 in the morning. I still cried walking by all the baby stuff. I can't express how alien you feel leaving the hospital after being pregnant with no baby. You almost feel like you abandoned your child. I remember asking if I could go and sit down at the morgue with Aurora until we could have her service, they assured me it wasn't a good idea. Looking back, of course it makes sense. I knew the nurse was right, but it still didn't register. So with each miscarriage, the longing became magnified. I couldn't go to family functions, as almost all of our siblings had children her age. I felt immense guilt, that maybe she'd think I wasn't loyal to her anymore. Of course our family was upset and thought I was going off the deep end. I began to resent them in the worst way possible. I just couldn't understand why I wasn't allowed to grieve, to talk about her, to carry her with me. I felt I had to respect their feelings more than they respected mine, and I was the going home to an empty nursery in our quiet home. I just couldn't pretend to be okay, that's just not who I am. Finally the day came when we became pregnant with Elijah. We had prayed a lot and felt that our time was coming, and sure enough the test agreed. We were excited. I wouldn't even say cautiously. After having Aurora, even though it hurt so terribly, I remembered how wonderful I felt to be her mother. So away we went. Our families were concerned, which angered me even more (I am a very reactive person). Now I know they were just worried, but at the time, I just couldn't understand why they couldn't support us. A week into his pregnancy, I began to bleed and it felt like deja vu all over again. I called our specialist, but couldn't bring myself to go back there, so he recommended someone else. My friend's who went to him, loved him too, so I went. I told Seth, I felt the same way I did as with Aurora. He just thought I didn't know anything different, but he was wrong. They immediately put me on bed rest at around 9 weeks. I could go to the bathroom and shower for no less than 5 minutes, the rest was on the bed or couch for me. I gladly agreed. At 12 weeks it when you can begin to see a fluid diminish, and that is what happened. The kidney's aren't really visible, so it's more of an assumption. They told me to come back at 16 for confirmation. I shut down. I wanted to die. Seth begged me to go and see a faith healer (not like Benny Hinn). I thought he was nuts, but agreed because I was desperate. We went to go see him at our church. He came from North Dakota and kind of looked like Colonel Sanders (the KFC guy) except in a plaid sports jacket. He was far from flashy and looked like any other elderly man. I was still skeptical. When it came my turn, we didn't tell him much just to see what he'd say. The things he said blew my mind, it was like he knew our life. He prayed over us and said that this child would write a new page in the medical books. I asked him would the baby survive, and he said that wasn't his place to say. When he prayed over me, it was the strangest feeling. It felt like all the evil left my body and I felt renewed. I actually smiled. We left there bewildered, we felt peaceful and the man never asked us for one dime, he just told us to go home and praise G-d. We didn't want to tell our families for fear of looking even more nuts, but we felt hopeful. I began to truly search out G-d and not just blame him for bad things. Before our appt. we read verses to our baby, especially Psalm 139 (look it up!) and we trusted G-d for the first time. It was confirmed that he had no kidney's and he was a boy. I sobbed and howled. The doctor just walked out of the room, while our tech cried with us. He came back later and said "don't cry yet, I am calling U of M and I know someone, we might have some options." He came back later with the idea of injection saline into my belly once a week and then soon every day. The idea was the saline would act as the pseudo urine and form his lungs. After he'd be born, he'd go on dialysis and hopefully some day, get a transplant. Now let me be clear, my children had no kidneys, nothing, Nada, zilch so this was a huge gamble to see if he'd even have a bladder (if they have no bladder, you can't do anything, we'd have to wait until he was born to find out if he had a bladder as he couldn't pee). So when they'd fill me up, they'd have to see a stomach (to show if he could injest the saline) or else they couldn't proceed. He also warned me that the baby or I could get a deadly infection and either I'd go into preterm labor or one or both of us could die. I didn't care, I just wanted my baby. So every appt. I'd sign a paper stating that I knew this, it was weird signing mine and my baby's life away. We had to start ASAP. It was like a reverse amniocentesis. It was painful and long. It took about 45 minutes to get the needle in and all the fluid. I contracted while holding as still as possible. This was they day I knew abortion was wrong. You see, the fluid was room temp. As the fluid poured in Eli tried to get away from it, as it was cold. He truly reacted at 16 weeks! He began to open his mouth and gulp in the saline as we watched it go down his throat into his stomach! We all cheered and squealed, it was a go! This was just the first step, but a giant step it was! It was worth every moment of pain and we praised G-d. We decided that after meeting with so many people from our church that prayed with us that his name should be Elijah. Not only was he a wonderful prophet, but his name meant, The Lord is my G-d. We also decided Praise should be his middle name, so that we'd never forget to praise G-d and how wonderfully what a miracle his life would be (hoping no kids would pick on him at school for such a unique name). Elijah Praise. We went in every week for an infusion, they got longer and longer as he drank more fluid. The only time I was allowed to go out, was our appts. so it was exciting to go out. We soon had to switch over to twice a week and then every other day for infusions. They were long and painful, but worth every moment to see him stretch and drink. We were smitten. We had close to 30 infusions by the time he was born, but would his lungs be developed was the question? The doctor, his wife, the office, became our family. Even when they went away of vacation, they drove over an hour to get reception on the phone to check on us. We talked several times a day as I had started on medicine to stop pre-term labor. I was so happy. We prayed and prayed. Then one infusion at around 36 weeks, the doctor could barely get a needle in anymore and he said it was time to deliver. We were shocked. I wanted to carry longer as I loved being pregnant and I was scared that he wouldn't survive. So on September 30th, 2004 he'd be born. I remember we set up his nursery in hopes he'd come home one day, putting our faith in G-d . I had an outfit that was a "just in case" it was all white with stars on it. We went in the hospital not knowing the outcome, but with prayer warriors on hand to help us through, we felt G-d's presence. I had to have c-section as the doctor didn't want to put him through the birth process. It seemed like a billion people were in the room. I was scared out of my mind and a little embarrassed. As the doctor cut him out, I heard him cry, Eli that is. Out my boy came with light blond hair. 6 pounds even. They said if he was any smaller, he probably wouldn't make it. Seth could barely contain himself and I was on cloud nine. Everyone was talking about the baby with no kidneys, and there he was, alive and well. They whisked him down to the NICU, I barely got to see him. I made Seth promise that he wouldn't leave his side. Seth pretty much stuck to his promise till Eli died, they were best friends. Well, I guess I can't write everything in one posting (and this is the condensed version!) as it is still a very emotional thing for me. I will write about his life in the next one. Every child is a miracle, but Eli was something not of this world. No child had ever been born without kidney's and survived for a lengthily period of time. His life still amazes me. You will see how we watched, prayed, believed, and became ever so amazed. Praise G-d.