Today was picture day for the kids school. I don't know about you, but picture day for me was pretty much a huge ordeal. I am telling you the honest truth that every odd year 1st, 3rd, 5th,.... something happened to deform my pictures. This was back in the day when they did pictures without parental supervision.
Apparently I had anxiety at a young age and was overly aware of what was going on. I remember specifically 5th grade picture day. I woke up feeling good (I was sick a lot as a child) and figure, Score!!! So this was back in the day of bad perms and skyscraper bangs (Don't deny it people, we all did it!) and I was determined to get mine to the perfect height. Just the right amount of hairspray to hold it all day (I sadly admit to contribution to the hole in the ozone due to all of my aerosol cans of hairspray) and voila! I got my best dress on and pretty much was very pleased with myself that I had beaten the odd year curse.
Carefully I walked down to the bus stop, picture order in my hand and practicing flashing my best smile but without showing my teeth (I had a gap). So as we waited in the chilliness of the day for our bus, my eye started to itch. I couldn't figure out why, but just blew it off. By the time the bus had gotten there, something was horribly wrong. I could barely see out of my eye and I had no clue what was going on. Being that I was around 11, no one on the bus bothered to tell me the ugly truth, my eyelid was swelling. We pulled up to the school and I quick ran to the bathroom and my eye was swollen shut, bright pink, and puffy. Seriously... So they had to call my parents to come and get me and my victory was snuffed out as quickly as it had started. We later went to the doctor and they were never able to figure out what had happened.... The curse of the odd year pictures carried on all the way through 11th grade and yes, even to this day it still manages to make way into our collage of pictures. I am many things, but photogenic is not one of them.
Which brings us to today. Thankfully our kid's school does the pictures before school begins, which is AWESOME! Seth has had the pamphlets taped to the wall, but honestly it has been my form of denial of summer ending, so I have refused to look at them. But alas today was the day I had to make a decision of what package to pick from and so on.
Alright, rant of the day. HOLY COW!! Kids school pictures are so stinkin' expensive! All I want in a 8x10 for us and 2 5x7's for the grandparents, and a class picture. That's it. No frills, just basics people. I know it sounds horrible, but now a days we take so many pictures that we don't need to mail everyone a photo, although I am sure it would be nice. But on top of that, the cost was shocking! You can't order a la carte, unless you order a huge package. I can't tell my kids I am not going to order pictures, that would just be devastating. So I found the best package that we swallow and signed the checks with a big gulp and thought to myself, we'll make the best out of it and make them look fabulous!
So I figured let's make this fun for them and get them all dolled up. Aria's hair was a bit wavy so I offered to flat iron her hair if she wanted. She loved this idea as I have only done it one other time. I laid out all the hair pretties for her to choose from and let her choose. Of course she picked the one I wasn't to keen on, but whatever. I wanted her to have fun and to make her own choices. So, I managed to trash two rooms in less than one hour pulling everything out to make things easily accessible. We brushed teeth till they sparkled. Cleaned all remnants of lunch off of their faces (this is big people) and picked out nice little outfits to be dazzling in. Aria pleaded for some make up (and so it begins) so I appeased her with a little blush and barely there lip gloss. Isaiah was a piece of cake to do his hair and then we practiced smiling.
Practice smiling? Yes, there is a difference in how they smile. So far cheese smiles, look cheesy and as though they are going to get a shot of some sort. So I kept on trying to have them think about funny things and to giggle. Fine, well done, good enough, let's go.
Going by myself was a big step in itself. It might not seem like much, but for me, these things can be a challenge energy wise. Any time I go somewhere I have to figure out it there is a place to sit down in case I get winded. Especially if I am feeling anxious. I didn't know what to expect going during the day, but I figured there would be less people and that would make things easier to navigate and hopefully not have to stand in line for a long time.
Kids, check. Picture forms signed and paid for, check. Car keys, check. Brush for mishaps, double check. Aria seemed to be feeling good enough to go, so off we went. This is when things get a bit sticky.
I pull up to the school and there were only a few cars, so already it's a bonus. So I happily hop out of the van and free the kids from their seatbelts. I look at Aria and her head band and hair is a complete mess. People, it takes like 3 minutes to get to their school. How do you mess your hair up in 3 minutes?! Not only that but as she gets out, her skirt is sliding down lower and lower so that her undies are showing. What on earth? Her skirt fit just fine at home and now it's about to shimmy down her legs. Okay, no sweat hike it up and let's get out of here, I just need the brush. The brush... Where is the brush! Where did it go? I start thrashing around the van tipping things on their side, looking under, over, and even on the ceiling (hey, with kids you never know), nothing. No brush (insert panic). Aria looks like she just came out of the jungle and with the mono her little face already looks a bit sickly and now the hair just completes the deal.
I know, I know, there are worse things in life. Trust me, we of all people know that. Honestly, this is just for pure entertainment value and to remind myself to keep on laughing. Not only that, but I think G-d is allowing me to deal with situations so that I can grow. Anxiety and fear have been some of my biggest enemies, so really with each situation I have been trying to force myself to face my fears head on.
So now Aria looks like Cousin It and her skirt is barely hanging on, her panda undies are peeking through, and then I realize, her shirt is too small. Her belly button is hanging out, sigh. How did I not notice? For a split second I contemplated going home and just go in later with Seth. No. NO!!! I can do this myself! I have to try. So what if things aren't perfect, life is messy. I don't want to fall into my usual trap of trying to wait till things are perfect, it doesn't happen.
So we walked in and made our way to photographers. I smoothed out Aria's hair as best as possible, pulled down her shirt and we went for it. Isaiah stood on one side and Aria on the other and they both got them done at same time. Being the helicopter/control freak Mom that I am this was pretty frustrating. I found myself pacing back and forth (and I wonder why I have stomach issues) trying to make them laugh. Isaiah was pretty set on his own. I decided that ship had sailed and to just let go. Aria on the other hand was posing, yes posing. She cocked her head to the side, put her arms up, anything to make it a more glamorous shot. I wanted to laugh my tush off. The poor photographer was trying her best to be patient and instruct Aria on what to do. All the while Aria has this smile that reminded me of someone who was on their way to get a root canal. She couldn't smile. It was like she froze in terror. So the lady snaps a shot and Aria at the last second throws up her hands. The lady by now is getting frustrated and begs Aria to keep her hands down. I am trying to be silly in the background but nothing was helping.
I felt at that moment my body surrender. I found myself thinking to G-d, alright I am letting go. It doesn't matter how much money is involved, this isn't worth it. Click. They let me look at the photos. Isaiah's is smiling so hard that you can hardly see his eyes and Aria looks constipated, done. The lady nicely asked if I wanted to retake it again. My control freak ways wanted to say "YES!" But then I said, "No, that is fine."
After all, each photo doesn't have to perfect. In fact there is something to be said about those photographs where things are messy. They give better stories and they can create laughter instead of memories of anxiety and living up to an expectation that cannot be filled. I want my kids to feel okay with themselves and not give into the lie that everything needs to be perfect.
Where there is perfection (by human standards) there is stress. I can only imagine how many fun memories we could have made in letting things just be more relaxed. Maybe I should have just let her hair be crazy and not made her practice her smile so that she really would want to smile. Either way, I have learned a huge lesson. Just let go... It's a lesson that I seem to be coming to terms with over and over again, and my type A personality just kicks in and sucks the fun out whatever might have been.
Besides, I am alive. I got to take my kids to picture day for the first time ever, on my own!!! I have been too sick the past few years to even go. Aria got glammed up and loved every moment of it. Isaiah and I got to discuss the benefits of hair smoothing gel. More than anything, they thought it was fun. The part that got me to laugh was finding the brush in the van. Yes, it was there all along but wasn't found until after the pictures. Okay G-d I get it, release the control and just trust and enjoy each moment. And when things don't go the way you expect, you know there will be great story to share.
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers for Aria and our entire family. I know mono isn't that big of a deal compared to all of the other stuff we have had to deal with, but when it's your kid you never like to see them in pain or not feeling well. I have learned to have empathy for even the simplest of things as let's face it, life can be a bit overwhelming and it's the little stuff that seems to make me snap.
Watch, pray, believe, laugh, and be amazed.
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