With all of my heavy writing, I thought you might enjoy a change of pace. Two posts, two days in a row, I am on fire! I thought I would share with you how silly our family can be. We aren't one's to go to the movie theater, so we are pretty behind when it comes to the latest movies. We tend to watch them when they are aired on the TV. Well, we finally watched Despicable Me. I was a bit hesitant to allow the kids to watch it, as I didn't know if it would be scary, but I figured as long as we were in room we'd know quickly. I was pretty surprised how cute the movie really was. Normally Seth and I are running back and forth doing things, so unless it's the weekend, we tend to not watch movies. Yesterday it just happened that we all ended up in the room with time on our hands, YAY! We were all pretty much belly laughing through the whole movie. I don't know if you have ever seen it, but the youngest girl had us in stitches! She reminded me a bit of Aria. Aria loves My Little Ponies, unicorns, and Pegasus. So did this little girl. At one point they are at a theme park. The little girl really wants this unicorn, and so the whole gang is trying to help her out. It turns out that the game is fixed, so they are sorely disappointed that they can't win. The lead character Gru, ends up taking care of business, and they end up getting the toy through a not so likely manner. Anyways, the part that cracked me up was the little girl finally obtaining the toy and then squeezing it and saying in a crazy deep voice "It's SO FLUFFY!" We were all laughing so hard, that ended up rewinding it several times, just to laugh some more. You are probably like, I don't get it, but seriously I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! The kids were even more hyped up to see Mom and Dad busting a gut. It has been a long time since we have really been able to sit back and relax, a good time was had by all.
Later in the evening Seth read the kids the Narnia series. I believe they are in the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Seth grew up hearing his Dad read this to him and his siblings before bed, so he is eager to carry on the tradition. The kids beg him to read and really are quite eager for this special time. We sent the kids off to bed with Isaiah listening to The Odyssey and Aria up with her butterfly lights aglow in her room. I heard a couple of belly laughs out of Isaiah and then all was quiet. I pretty much assumed we would have an uneventful night.
I haven't been sleeping very well lately. So I have been trying to make sure the room is dark and just lie their and pray for as many people as I can remember. It took a while, but finally my eye lids got heavy and I was asleep. It felt like only 5 minutes had passed when I realized that Seth was gone. I was completely disoriented. I have to laugh at the thought that I actually was having trouble figuring out where I was and what time of the night it was. I'll never forget one time in high school waking up and panicking because of thinking I was going to be late (I you can't tell, I hate being late). I had jumped in the shower did my hair (took an hour to curl back then) and got dressed. I don't know how long it took me only to realize, it was only 3 in the morning. Well, it was kind of one of those moments. I ended up getting out of bed to search for Seth and try to figure out what had happened. He was a little more with it than I was, but both of us were stumbling around like two clunky robots who batteries are dangerously low. Seth informed me that Aria's ear was hurting, so he was looking for the ear drops. All I could see was this flash light flickering around as both of us our naming off one of the many places it could be. If I had been thinking any clearer, I would have realized that if it wasn't in the medicine cabinet or in the med cubbie, that meant were out. Thank the Lord there was two of us, as we both collaborated and came up with the ingenious idea, Zyrtec (from me) and Tylenol (from Seth). Zyrtec, that was my brilliant idea?? Seriously Seth one upped me on this round. Pretty much from that point on Aria was up, on and off and I kept on thinking I was hearing her cry. Seth went to the pharmacy as soon as it opened and was able to get our favorite pharmacist to fill the prescription in a snap. Seth later told me, while he was coaxing Aria to allow him to take the ear drops, he pulled out Angry birds to distract her. Her bed is right under a window, and Seth was leaning back on it. As soon as he leaned forward, the shade snapped up and the sun was starting to peak through. Aria sits up and says, "it's morning!" in her sing song voice. Seth is trying his hardest to get her to go back to bed, being that it is the crack of dawn! Just when Seth finally got her to consider going back to sleep, a charity came by and rang the door bell. Seth is totally baffled that anyone would even consider ringing a door bell this early in the morning. Poor Seth. I am deaf as a door nail, so I was none the wiser to all that was going on. I just remember going into Aria's room and talking with her. I couldn't figure out how she was so perky and awake. I just have to laugh. I know you probably have encountered many situations like this. The whole thing is so ridiculous that it takes the two of us to discuss over his break what had really happened!
Sleep deprivation, do you have any of these stories?
I'll never forget the time when Isaiah was only a few months old. We were both so sleep deprived and apparently I was having a realistic dream. I was always terrified that I was going to roll over on him and smother him, so I was afraid to sleep with him. A friend of ours had this actually happen to them and their son died, so I was pretty paranoid. Well, between middle of the night feedings I had fallen asleep with Isaiah, or so I had thought. I woke up hysterical and started yelling at Seth "where is the baby? Where is he?! Oh my Lord, we lost the baby!" Seth is completely disoriented and is walking around the room in a daze. When I realize that he isn't getting what I am saying, I am hysterical. I am clawing and the sheet and digging around yelling like a deranged circus monkey yelling "WHERE IS MY BABY!!" Seth finally gets it and starts digging in the sheet. People, it was a sheet in the middle of summer. Not blankets upon blankets, like the winter, but a sheet. Seth runs downstairs (I am seriously laughing while typing this) and I am checking the floor (our house is small too, so there isn't many places to lose a baby in our house) when all of the sudden Seth goes, "Kelly." By now, I might as well be frothing at the mouth with how panicked I am. "What!" I insanely reply. "He's right here." "Where?" I am stupefied. "In the crib, sound asleep." Seth just starts laughing as he hops back into bed. What makes the situation even more nuts, was Isaiah's crib was in our bedroom. I run over, there he is soundly asleep. Soundly..... Which is more than I can say about his crazy mother. I can't stop laughing!
I can name so many other times like being in the PICU with Elijah. Seth and I are sleeping on a one person cot. Thank the Lord both of us were skinny as picks or else they would have made us go home (they didn't have places for parents to sleep then). I'll never forget being up all night with Eli, and then finally falling asleep on this tiny chair with Seth slammed up against my back. We were packed in there about as tight as sardines in a can. I remember waking up to voices and sitting up with my hair resembling that of a Cockatoo. I opened my eyes and their stood the whole team of doctors and interns. There were at the very least 7 doctors all staring at Seth and I. I was so embarrassed as we are trying to ask them serious questions all the while having the thought process of an ameba.
I can only imagine the stories the kids are going to have of us. They are already starting to pick up on funny things, so gone are the days of pretending it's all good, with them none the wiser.
I am not one to quote TV, as I get easily annoyed when someone is explaining something that you have no idea what they are talking about. I ended up seeing the Stephen Kind movie It when I was much too young. If anyone of you have ever seen this movie, well it pretty much makes you scared of clowns for life. Suffice to say, I hate clowns. Late one night I hear Seth laughing like crazy, he can barely get the words out. All I hear is him saying the words "Little Ceaser's, clown, and honk." He knows I am terrified of them, which is the only reason that this is even funny. I am like, WHAT? Well, if you get the chance to ever see the Little Ceaser's commercial with two girls walking in the woods and they are discussing that there is a crazy clown loose in the woods. The other girl talks about the $5 pizza, when all of the sudden a clown jumps of the bushes and says "your both right!" and then proceeds to honk his horn and run away. I must have had a look of sheer horror on my face, because Seth is laughing even harder. His laughter is contagious, so I joined in. I don't even know why I am writing about this, I must be so over tired. I guess I thought it was so funny and any time you see it, you can think about me and all those who are terrified of clowns, and how awful that would be if it really happened LOL.
I am laughing even now and the kids keep on asking me why I am laughing. If laughter is the best medicine, I have gotten a good dose. This post is completely pointless, but I hope it might have made you laugh. I figured with all the tears we have shared, we should also share in the dorky moments. It'll keep us young. If you have a good story, feel free to share, I can always use another dose;D
Here's the clip if you want to see what I am talking about
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4i7vS_UO4Q
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The Power of Peace
If you would have asked me 2 weeks ago where I would be today, I would have said "U of M, having botox." We ended up watching a church service about prayer, and listening to G-d. I had found that my food intake was really low, but still everything in me was afraid to go to the hospital. I just have found that going to medical facilities is increasing my anxiety ten fold, especially with the doom flu going around. I found myself tossing back and forth over doing it or not. Botox has really helped me in the past, but the more you use it, the less effective. Not only that, but it is a toxin. I kept finding myself thinking if it might be temporarily helping me, but in the long term??? No one knows what damage it could be causing. Not to say that I won't do it if I don't need to, but I want to be at peace with my decision. In the struggle to make my decision, I found myself at G-d's mercy, not praying for healing, but for mercy and wisdom. I just want to be at peace no matter the circumstances. For some people, this may be easy to attain. For me, patience is a thorn in my side. So we started taking time out of our night and just sat still and waited for G-d to speak to us. To those of you who are wondering, no I didn't hear his audible voice. In fact, I didn't recieve any big sign. What I did get was worth more than I had ever imagined, His peace. I am so thankful that I wish I could kiss Him! My health hasn't changed, the circumstances haven't changed, but it was His peace that all of the sudden put out the fiery panic attacks that seemed to be choking me with fear. We rescheduled for early February. We will continue to seek what it is that we should be doing, as we all know G-d works through modern medicine as well. We also thank those of you who were praying for me, they were answered!
In the meantime, due to all of the sickness out there, we have been on lockdown over here. Between my procedure/health and Isaiah's lungs, we have been hunkered down at home. We spoke with Isaiah's pediatrician who fully supported out decision with all of the issues we have been having with his lungs and even simple colds. So that means I have gotten to experience bit of what teachers do. Dear teachers, you are amazing, underappreciated and deserve a million dollars a year! I love my kiddo's and they really have been awesome, but wow, teaching truly is an art form!
We have been working on home work here. I found that my kids love flash cards, just like I did. So we have been doing math, colors/shapes, animals and their habitat, and the states and capitals of America. I can't believe how fast they are and really, even I am learning a lot that I had forgotten! We have also been working on the kids writing. Isaiah has doctor handwriting. Seriously, it's all over the place and hard to read. So, we have been designating time to just printing. I use the computer so much, that I rarely hand write anything anymore. Much to my shock and dismay, my hand writing was worse than his! In fact, my hand would be half way through a sentence, and just it would just weaken and quit! I got a taste of my own medicine and could hear my lecturing Isaiah about the importance of being able to write legibly, bleck! I have also been working with Aria on how to properly hold her crayons. We really need the big ones, but we just have the regular size. I have noticed that she holds it in her fist. So I have trying my tush off how to hold the crayon. She'll copy me for a while, but as soon as I turn around, she'll go back to the fist! YAR!!! Still, I can't complain. I have been having a ton of bonding time with them. We have been able to relax and just hang out. Isaiah has been vocalizing his emotions better and better. We have been able to get to the root of some issues and have been seeing huge improvements. The two of them are pretty tight knit and seem to be really playing with each other. Don't get me wrong, they have their moments, it's just been better than I had anticipated. I have been thankful for this time as it has allowed me to just focus on them. They seem to really be enjoying hanging out with me and that in itself is priceless!
We are quite the musical family We constantly have the radio playing, I have found it soothes my nerves, heck all of our nerves. I find the two of them singing 10,000 blessings a lot! Nothing like having our family break out in song at any given moment. While we all sing different keys, it says "make a joyful noise unto the Lord!" Nothing about singing in tune;) It's been fun to see how much they retaining the verses and singing their hearts out to the Lord. They have been pretty bummed about not having much snow, but were ecstatic to be riding their scooters outside in the middle of January! I just love watching them play together, it's such a joy to see them grab each others hands and call out to each other.
My friend Stephanie did have her surgery. So far it has gone well, but she is still there and has a lot of recovery to do. Please pray for her healing and that her body would function properly. Every day I am becoming more and more aware of people and the trials that they are going through. It's easy being trapped in the house, being stuck on my own issues. I feel fortunate to have a group of people that have really reached out to me and gently have held me when I have been to weak to stand on my own. I have gotten see others who are suffering with their own diagnosis's and how they respond. Everyone is so unique and it just goes to show, we were all created so differently. I still get hung up on my own expectations of how I wish I could respond. Through these people I am learning, we can always strive to be better, but also learn to accept who we were made to be. After all, if we were all the same, it just wouldn't work. Nothing huge and profound on my end, just sharing and update. If any of you have any fun teaching ideas, feel free to share!
As always, I ask for prayers. I am asking for G-d's wisdom, mercy, and peace. A specific new one, would be that I could be able to eat some new foods. I really need better nutrition. I did finally try cooked carrots and praise the Lord! I was able to eat one! I never thought a carrot could be so succulent! The other day Seth made broccoli. I wanted it so bad that I thought I was going to chew my own leg off! Still, I am praying for courage to be able to expand my diet with more nutritious food.
I thank you all for supporting me through all of this. No matter how near or far, I really appreciate the support and words of encouragement. Thank you so much.
In the meantime, due to all of the sickness out there, we have been on lockdown over here. Between my procedure/health and Isaiah's lungs, we have been hunkered down at home. We spoke with Isaiah's pediatrician who fully supported out decision with all of the issues we have been having with his lungs and even simple colds. So that means I have gotten to experience bit of what teachers do. Dear teachers, you are amazing, underappreciated and deserve a million dollars a year! I love my kiddo's and they really have been awesome, but wow, teaching truly is an art form!
We have been working on home work here. I found that my kids love flash cards, just like I did. So we have been doing math, colors/shapes, animals and their habitat, and the states and capitals of America. I can't believe how fast they are and really, even I am learning a lot that I had forgotten! We have also been working on the kids writing. Isaiah has doctor handwriting. Seriously, it's all over the place and hard to read. So, we have been designating time to just printing. I use the computer so much, that I rarely hand write anything anymore. Much to my shock and dismay, my hand writing was worse than his! In fact, my hand would be half way through a sentence, and just it would just weaken and quit! I got a taste of my own medicine and could hear my lecturing Isaiah about the importance of being able to write legibly, bleck! I have also been working with Aria on how to properly hold her crayons. We really need the big ones, but we just have the regular size. I have noticed that she holds it in her fist. So I have trying my tush off how to hold the crayon. She'll copy me for a while, but as soon as I turn around, she'll go back to the fist! YAR!!! Still, I can't complain. I have been having a ton of bonding time with them. We have been able to relax and just hang out. Isaiah has been vocalizing his emotions better and better. We have been able to get to the root of some issues and have been seeing huge improvements. The two of them are pretty tight knit and seem to be really playing with each other. Don't get me wrong, they have their moments, it's just been better than I had anticipated. I have been thankful for this time as it has allowed me to just focus on them. They seem to really be enjoying hanging out with me and that in itself is priceless!
We are quite the musical family We constantly have the radio playing, I have found it soothes my nerves, heck all of our nerves. I find the two of them singing 10,000 blessings a lot! Nothing like having our family break out in song at any given moment. While we all sing different keys, it says "make a joyful noise unto the Lord!" Nothing about singing in tune;) It's been fun to see how much they retaining the verses and singing their hearts out to the Lord. They have been pretty bummed about not having much snow, but were ecstatic to be riding their scooters outside in the middle of January! I just love watching them play together, it's such a joy to see them grab each others hands and call out to each other.
My friend Stephanie did have her surgery. So far it has gone well, but she is still there and has a lot of recovery to do. Please pray for her healing and that her body would function properly. Every day I am becoming more and more aware of people and the trials that they are going through. It's easy being trapped in the house, being stuck on my own issues. I feel fortunate to have a group of people that have really reached out to me and gently have held me when I have been to weak to stand on my own. I have gotten see others who are suffering with their own diagnosis's and how they respond. Everyone is so unique and it just goes to show, we were all created so differently. I still get hung up on my own expectations of how I wish I could respond. Through these people I am learning, we can always strive to be better, but also learn to accept who we were made to be. After all, if we were all the same, it just wouldn't work. Nothing huge and profound on my end, just sharing and update. If any of you have any fun teaching ideas, feel free to share!
As always, I ask for prayers. I am asking for G-d's wisdom, mercy, and peace. A specific new one, would be that I could be able to eat some new foods. I really need better nutrition. I did finally try cooked carrots and praise the Lord! I was able to eat one! I never thought a carrot could be so succulent! The other day Seth made broccoli. I wanted it so bad that I thought I was going to chew my own leg off! Still, I am praying for courage to be able to expand my diet with more nutritious food.
I thank you all for supporting me through all of this. No matter how near or far, I really appreciate the support and words of encouragement. Thank you so much.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
A New Year
Well, another year has come and gone. What is it about a simple date that can give you so much hope in the idea of a fresh clean slate? I hadn't really thought much about a resolution, as my memory seems to remember that of Lorraine Swiss Cheese! Though, as everyone around me seemed to be thinking of neat ideas, I thought "Why not?" So, for now, my goal is to write more. As I began thinking about committing to a certain amount of blog posts, my computer decided to have a mind of it's own. I started to panic, as I realized how much of my social connections rely on the use of my computer, let alone ordering my special food, banking, well you get the drift. I prayed to G-d that He would help me and make a way. A very close friend of mine had put out the word that I was struggling with this. I am so thankful she did, as another friend of mine was so kind to donate one to me!!!! I am so thankful for the both of these very sweet ladies as now I can continue to write! Thank you Kathy and J, you'll never know what this means to me:) You two have been through so much yourselves and could have easily and understandably bypassed my needs, but you opened your hearts to me. G-d answered my prayers through you both.
I have some new comer's that have recently joined me on my journey, and they have specifically asked about my family. I love getting feedback, so I am excited to share my family with you.
This holiday break has been pretty quiet. Seth got a few days off from work and the kids and I were on him like white on rice! Seriously, he is like a rock star in our house. Anytime the kids here the back door slam (it's an old house and it's the only way the door will shut) they literally will drop whatever they are doing and will bombard him from any direction to see who can get the first hug. After a little over 12 years of marriage, I never thought my heart would still race at the thought of being able to see him, but it still does! We have a dog who name is Mya, she pretty much lives at my parents house because she decided she'd rather live in the as we jokingly call it "the retirement village," instead of the "nursery." The great thing about Mya, is she is always excited to see you. She'd pull out confetti and a cake if she could! She barks and jumps up and down until you pick her up. Well, that's how I feel about our family when Seth comes home, including me.
Isaiah has been loving winter break as it is giving him plenty of time to work on his latest obsession, Lego's. You have to understand, I grew up with my sister, so Lego's were not even on our radar. Isaiah has always been rather scholarly. While other kids were watching Sesame Street and Dora, he was watching hours of space and dinosaur documentaries on the history channel. While his mind capabilities are endless, he wasn't a fan of using his hands. So the Lego's really are a blessing in disguise as he is learning fine motor skills and of course, creating! Seth was building with him for a while and came out and said "Either he is going to be in the science field, or a dictator of a small country." I just busted out laughing. Isaiah is very black and white and likes things to be done just so. He isn't afraid to tell you what he is thinking, he can get quite authoritative to the point that you can't help but wonder if he really is an adult smooshed into a 6 year old body. He has certainly taught us a lot. Every now and then he likes to just randomly ask a question, but really he isn't interested in what we think, he wants us to ask him the question. So that's kind of his norm. So he walks up to Seth and says "Who do you love the most?" Seth of course answers "My family." Isaiah adamantly replies "You are not supposed to love us first, you are supposed to love G-d first!" I hear Seth say in a stuttering voice, "well, yeah, that's a given, but I thought you meant..." I am trying hard not to laugh, as Seth is desperately trying to dig himself out of the hole. That's Isaiah, by the book. Still to this day, if we say, "Go jump in the shower," he'll immediately protest that no one should ever jump in the shower and how unsafe it is. Still he has a big heart. With all that I am going through, I have begun to realize he is much more aware of what is going on than we realized. He has asked me questions about death and we try hard to explain that Heaven is a wonderful place. Just last year he finally realized why we go to the Mausoleum to visit the kids. I still don't know how he figured it out, but one day Aria asked why we go there. Isaiah very matter of factly responds, "because Aurora and Eli's bodies are there." Gulp.. Okay, out of the mouth of babes.
Aria hasn't been too upset about winter break. Since she would go to school all day every day if she could, I figured she'd be more upset. She is our free spirit child. Isaiah actually taught her how to read when she was just 2. She is always bubbly and happy and is pretty easy going. Isaiah tells her what to do, and she happily does it. I don't know how many times we are in the process of talking to Isaiah about not snatching things from her and how he needs to ask. He'll furrow his eye brows and give you a look that can make you squirm. Before we can even finish Aria will just happily say "it's okay, he can have it. I love you brother!" At first it was adorable. After about the 10th time in one day, Seth would say "Aria, shhh!" Still, she always gives in, with joy. We found out this year that Aria is really into art. I am not a crafty person by any means, so this has been a challenge for me. Her teacher told me that they have pipe cleaners. One day all the kids had pretty much dumped all of them on the floor, so she asked them to clean them up. When she got to Aria, she was surprised to find that Aria had actually made a bracelet out of them! She said she had really done some intricate work too! I can already see her in a flowy dress, her hair long, and her apartment covered in paintings and messy beyond belief. Seth and I find ourselves imaging Isaiah in a 3 piece suit with wingtip shoes, and a briefcase. Aria will be the love child, with a peace sign painted on her face, and flowers in her hair. I am fine with that, as long as they make sure to call and visit us often;) The other thing that I am pretty sure that she probably got from her Nana, is a love of puzzles. I can't stand them, even the easy ones used to bug me. Not Aria, she lives for them. All you have to do is set a box on the floor, clear your throat, and leave the room. Presto, when you come back, there she will be putting that puppy together. She's fast too! Her Nana taught her well:) Even right now, she is sitting on the steps in the dark smiling at me and has now crawled up into the bed and is declaring that she loves this house and loves snuggling with me. All while twirling and speaking with a sing song in her voice. The other thing about Aria that most people don't know, is she has quick wit. Seriously, she is hilarious. She says things that have us busting a gut and actually uses things in the right context. The other day I was sitting on the couch with her. I have a super sniffer. Seth thinks I should become a professional sniffer for like perfumes or whatnot. She was talking to me and I said, "Oh Aria you have dragon breath." Without skipping a beat she breathes out like a dragon and practically rolls on the couch in a fit of laughter. Her laughter is so contagious that all of us belly laughed right along with her.
The two couldn't be more different from each other, yet they balance each other so beautifully. With all that has been going on, I have noticed they are growing very close to each other. After our first two children passed away, I had wondered if we would even be able to have one. Instead we had two, and I am beyond grateful that they have each other. As hard as some days are for me, where I wonder if I have the energy to press on and then I see their two precious little faces. My family drives me to want to get better. I keep on dreaming of the day when we can go out to a restaurant and then a long walk on the pier to gaze upon Lake Michigan in all it's glory. Until then, it's games of Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, Mariokart, and just plain hanging out. I love to hear them laugh, it's truly music to my ears.
I have my wonderful husband Seth, who works so hard for us. He is a CNC lathe machinist programmer. He has learned his career by trade and is very good at his job. I guess the best way I can explain what he does is if you have ever seen a wood lathe? You take a piece of wood and the lathe whittles it down to the precise shape that you want. He does the same thing, only with metal and whole lot more high tech. He works for a very small shop, but loves what he does. He has made everything from race car parts, nuclear reactor parts, to simple things like metal washers. So lots of miscellaneous things. We are thankful that G-d has provided him with a job in manufacturing in this economy. So many jobs like his are going over to China or down to Mexico. I only hope they can bring those jobs back, it's what he loves to do. His dream would be to own his own shop and make things more custom made. He has more creativity in his pinkie than I do in my whole body! I call him MacGuyver, as if you would give him a couple of twist ties and a piece of gum, he'd be sure to create something useful. If you can't tell, I think he is just the bee's knee's. After our first daughter was diagnosed that she would not live, the first thing the doctor said was about 75% marriages fail after the death of a child. If we weren't stunned enough to find out our child was going to die, we found out our marriage might not survive? We went home that day and promised each other that no matter what, we'd make our marriage work. Little did we know the trials that were ahead of us. 2 fires (our apartment and his work both burned down), 2 children died, 2 miscarriages, and now a chronic illness... What is the secret? Truly, it is G-d did something, we can't take the credit. Our marriage is not perfect, we have had our days. Truly, when you bury your children your life dramatically shifts, let alone being sick. It is our hope in G-d that drives us to cling to Him and to each other. Truly, there are days when I have questioned G-d. If he loves me so much, why would He put me through all of this? Am I being punished? Am I being taught? Is this just random repercussions to a fallen world? I wish I could give you the answer that made sense of all of this. I know the biblical answer is, for His Glory. My suffering brings him Glory? I do have to say, if my life had been perfect, I would have no need for him. Throughout all of this, I have learned that I am desperate for Him. While I can't tell you that it soothes my pain, I have seen His mighty hand working through others. It is no coincidence that when I hit rock bottom, people will all of the sudden appear in ways I hadn't expected. I just keep on clinging to the verse, ..."He is close to the broken hearted." Some days I fall to the floor on my knees in tears asking where He is, while others I find myself jumping up and down thanking Him for His latest rescue. He really does work in mysterious ways and always seems to be at the point of no return. On the days, when I am too tired to believe, I have learned to ask others for help. If I don't ask, how can they know? On those days, I rely on their faith to help me through.
Lately my food intake has dwindled and it is time for another round of botox. For those of you who are just joining, I am not talking about the cosmetic uses. They do an EGD and then inject it into my pylorus valve, which is below the stomach to allow the food to be able to empty out of my stomach more easily. Whether it be stress or just the structure of my stomach, that valve likes to lock up and hold my stomach contents hostage. It is very painful and nauseating. It makes you feel like you have the stomach flu and then some. Because of the decrease of calories and nutrition I am constantly deprived of energy and am always hungry. My brain will beg for the food, but my stomach seems to say, no way Jose! If they could just have a meeting of the minds!! So we are going back to U of M on the 15th of January. I am nervous as I have seemed to develop a bit of a phobia of hospitals. My only alternatives are feeding tubes. As I stated previously, my friend Stephanie right now is in the process of receiving her 2nd tube. Having a feeding tube isn't as cut a dried as you would think. I myself should have known better, as our oldest son Elijah had a mickey button. I never thought twice about him having and NG tube or the mickey button, but I didn't really realize all of the risks that go along with it, it's just way different when it's you yourself.
The New Year has begun, and I can tell you, I am praying this is a year of miracles. Not just for myself, but so many out there who are suffering as well. I have been told to just stop hoping, to accept where I am at. That's just not me, I can't give up hope. If I don't have hope, than what do I have? So for my New Year's resolution is to write more, laugh more, love more, and hopefully live more!
As always I am asking for prayers for healing, especially that this botox would help (and that I can stay of sound mind), that I can eat more, and be able to do the simple things with joy. I guess I am asking for prayer for good health, mercy, wisdom, and peace. I ask also that you would do so for my friend Stephanie. I pray that she would experience G-d's mercy and know that He is truly with her as she has big decisions ahead of her.
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
(For you newcomer's this saying started back when Elijah was alive, a close friend of ours felt this to be our family motto)
PS Janet Young, I have got to get your email lady!! I have missed you. Welcome back:)
I have some new comer's that have recently joined me on my journey, and they have specifically asked about my family. I love getting feedback, so I am excited to share my family with you.
This holiday break has been pretty quiet. Seth got a few days off from work and the kids and I were on him like white on rice! Seriously, he is like a rock star in our house. Anytime the kids here the back door slam (it's an old house and it's the only way the door will shut) they literally will drop whatever they are doing and will bombard him from any direction to see who can get the first hug. After a little over 12 years of marriage, I never thought my heart would still race at the thought of being able to see him, but it still does! We have a dog who name is Mya, she pretty much lives at my parents house because she decided she'd rather live in the as we jokingly call it "the retirement village," instead of the "nursery." The great thing about Mya, is she is always excited to see you. She'd pull out confetti and a cake if she could! She barks and jumps up and down until you pick her up. Well, that's how I feel about our family when Seth comes home, including me.
Isaiah has been loving winter break as it is giving him plenty of time to work on his latest obsession, Lego's. You have to understand, I grew up with my sister, so Lego's were not even on our radar. Isaiah has always been rather scholarly. While other kids were watching Sesame Street and Dora, he was watching hours of space and dinosaur documentaries on the history channel. While his mind capabilities are endless, he wasn't a fan of using his hands. So the Lego's really are a blessing in disguise as he is learning fine motor skills and of course, creating! Seth was building with him for a while and came out and said "Either he is going to be in the science field, or a dictator of a small country." I just busted out laughing. Isaiah is very black and white and likes things to be done just so. He isn't afraid to tell you what he is thinking, he can get quite authoritative to the point that you can't help but wonder if he really is an adult smooshed into a 6 year old body. He has certainly taught us a lot. Every now and then he likes to just randomly ask a question, but really he isn't interested in what we think, he wants us to ask him the question. So that's kind of his norm. So he walks up to Seth and says "Who do you love the most?" Seth of course answers "My family." Isaiah adamantly replies "You are not supposed to love us first, you are supposed to love G-d first!" I hear Seth say in a stuttering voice, "well, yeah, that's a given, but I thought you meant..." I am trying hard not to laugh, as Seth is desperately trying to dig himself out of the hole. That's Isaiah, by the book. Still to this day, if we say, "Go jump in the shower," he'll immediately protest that no one should ever jump in the shower and how unsafe it is. Still he has a big heart. With all that I am going through, I have begun to realize he is much more aware of what is going on than we realized. He has asked me questions about death and we try hard to explain that Heaven is a wonderful place. Just last year he finally realized why we go to the Mausoleum to visit the kids. I still don't know how he figured it out, but one day Aria asked why we go there. Isaiah very matter of factly responds, "because Aurora and Eli's bodies are there." Gulp.. Okay, out of the mouth of babes.
Aria hasn't been too upset about winter break. Since she would go to school all day every day if she could, I figured she'd be more upset. She is our free spirit child. Isaiah actually taught her how to read when she was just 2. She is always bubbly and happy and is pretty easy going. Isaiah tells her what to do, and she happily does it. I don't know how many times we are in the process of talking to Isaiah about not snatching things from her and how he needs to ask. He'll furrow his eye brows and give you a look that can make you squirm. Before we can even finish Aria will just happily say "it's okay, he can have it. I love you brother!" At first it was adorable. After about the 10th time in one day, Seth would say "Aria, shhh!" Still, she always gives in, with joy. We found out this year that Aria is really into art. I am not a crafty person by any means, so this has been a challenge for me. Her teacher told me that they have pipe cleaners. One day all the kids had pretty much dumped all of them on the floor, so she asked them to clean them up. When she got to Aria, she was surprised to find that Aria had actually made a bracelet out of them! She said she had really done some intricate work too! I can already see her in a flowy dress, her hair long, and her apartment covered in paintings and messy beyond belief. Seth and I find ourselves imaging Isaiah in a 3 piece suit with wingtip shoes, and a briefcase. Aria will be the love child, with a peace sign painted on her face, and flowers in her hair. I am fine with that, as long as they make sure to call and visit us often;) The other thing that I am pretty sure that she probably got from her Nana, is a love of puzzles. I can't stand them, even the easy ones used to bug me. Not Aria, she lives for them. All you have to do is set a box on the floor, clear your throat, and leave the room. Presto, when you come back, there she will be putting that puppy together. She's fast too! Her Nana taught her well:) Even right now, she is sitting on the steps in the dark smiling at me and has now crawled up into the bed and is declaring that she loves this house and loves snuggling with me. All while twirling and speaking with a sing song in her voice. The other thing about Aria that most people don't know, is she has quick wit. Seriously, she is hilarious. She says things that have us busting a gut and actually uses things in the right context. The other day I was sitting on the couch with her. I have a super sniffer. Seth thinks I should become a professional sniffer for like perfumes or whatnot. She was talking to me and I said, "Oh Aria you have dragon breath." Without skipping a beat she breathes out like a dragon and practically rolls on the couch in a fit of laughter. Her laughter is so contagious that all of us belly laughed right along with her.
The two couldn't be more different from each other, yet they balance each other so beautifully. With all that has been going on, I have noticed they are growing very close to each other. After our first two children passed away, I had wondered if we would even be able to have one. Instead we had two, and I am beyond grateful that they have each other. As hard as some days are for me, where I wonder if I have the energy to press on and then I see their two precious little faces. My family drives me to want to get better. I keep on dreaming of the day when we can go out to a restaurant and then a long walk on the pier to gaze upon Lake Michigan in all it's glory. Until then, it's games of Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, Mariokart, and just plain hanging out. I love to hear them laugh, it's truly music to my ears.
I have my wonderful husband Seth, who works so hard for us. He is a CNC lathe machinist programmer. He has learned his career by trade and is very good at his job. I guess the best way I can explain what he does is if you have ever seen a wood lathe? You take a piece of wood and the lathe whittles it down to the precise shape that you want. He does the same thing, only with metal and whole lot more high tech. He works for a very small shop, but loves what he does. He has made everything from race car parts, nuclear reactor parts, to simple things like metal washers. So lots of miscellaneous things. We are thankful that G-d has provided him with a job in manufacturing in this economy. So many jobs like his are going over to China or down to Mexico. I only hope they can bring those jobs back, it's what he loves to do. His dream would be to own his own shop and make things more custom made. He has more creativity in his pinkie than I do in my whole body! I call him MacGuyver, as if you would give him a couple of twist ties and a piece of gum, he'd be sure to create something useful. If you can't tell, I think he is just the bee's knee's. After our first daughter was diagnosed that she would not live, the first thing the doctor said was about 75% marriages fail after the death of a child. If we weren't stunned enough to find out our child was going to die, we found out our marriage might not survive? We went home that day and promised each other that no matter what, we'd make our marriage work. Little did we know the trials that were ahead of us. 2 fires (our apartment and his work both burned down), 2 children died, 2 miscarriages, and now a chronic illness... What is the secret? Truly, it is G-d did something, we can't take the credit. Our marriage is not perfect, we have had our days. Truly, when you bury your children your life dramatically shifts, let alone being sick. It is our hope in G-d that drives us to cling to Him and to each other. Truly, there are days when I have questioned G-d. If he loves me so much, why would He put me through all of this? Am I being punished? Am I being taught? Is this just random repercussions to a fallen world? I wish I could give you the answer that made sense of all of this. I know the biblical answer is, for His Glory. My suffering brings him Glory? I do have to say, if my life had been perfect, I would have no need for him. Throughout all of this, I have learned that I am desperate for Him. While I can't tell you that it soothes my pain, I have seen His mighty hand working through others. It is no coincidence that when I hit rock bottom, people will all of the sudden appear in ways I hadn't expected. I just keep on clinging to the verse, ..."He is close to the broken hearted." Some days I fall to the floor on my knees in tears asking where He is, while others I find myself jumping up and down thanking Him for His latest rescue. He really does work in mysterious ways and always seems to be at the point of no return. On the days, when I am too tired to believe, I have learned to ask others for help. If I don't ask, how can they know? On those days, I rely on their faith to help me through.
Lately my food intake has dwindled and it is time for another round of botox. For those of you who are just joining, I am not talking about the cosmetic uses. They do an EGD and then inject it into my pylorus valve, which is below the stomach to allow the food to be able to empty out of my stomach more easily. Whether it be stress or just the structure of my stomach, that valve likes to lock up and hold my stomach contents hostage. It is very painful and nauseating. It makes you feel like you have the stomach flu and then some. Because of the decrease of calories and nutrition I am constantly deprived of energy and am always hungry. My brain will beg for the food, but my stomach seems to say, no way Jose! If they could just have a meeting of the minds!! So we are going back to U of M on the 15th of January. I am nervous as I have seemed to develop a bit of a phobia of hospitals. My only alternatives are feeding tubes. As I stated previously, my friend Stephanie right now is in the process of receiving her 2nd tube. Having a feeding tube isn't as cut a dried as you would think. I myself should have known better, as our oldest son Elijah had a mickey button. I never thought twice about him having and NG tube or the mickey button, but I didn't really realize all of the risks that go along with it, it's just way different when it's you yourself.
The New Year has begun, and I can tell you, I am praying this is a year of miracles. Not just for myself, but so many out there who are suffering as well. I have been told to just stop hoping, to accept where I am at. That's just not me, I can't give up hope. If I don't have hope, than what do I have? So for my New Year's resolution is to write more, laugh more, love more, and hopefully live more!
As always I am asking for prayers for healing, especially that this botox would help (and that I can stay of sound mind), that I can eat more, and be able to do the simple things with joy. I guess I am asking for prayer for good health, mercy, wisdom, and peace. I ask also that you would do so for my friend Stephanie. I pray that she would experience G-d's mercy and know that He is truly with her as she has big decisions ahead of her.
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
(For you newcomer's this saying started back when Elijah was alive, a close friend of ours felt this to be our family motto)
PS Janet Young, I have got to get your email lady!! I have missed you. Welcome back:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)