Fix You

I originally had planned on writing this piece for our anniversary of 13 years.   We just celebrated it a couple of weeks ago.  With the stigma of 13 I thought it would be more than fitting to fully embrace it with joy.  Life ended up catching up with us and I just couldn't seem to get my thoughts in order.   So hopefully today that won't be the case.

Today is Seth's birthday.  We rarely buy each other gifts and instead just try to do things from the heart.  Writing is what I love to share, so this post today is for Seth.

If you notice the title of today is Fix You.  We were watching So You Think You Can Dance a few years ago.  I have never really fully appreciated the arts until a few years ago.   I saw this dance and it fully captured what I feel mine and Seth's relationship has looked like in a form of dance.  I'll post it at the end and it'll help the post come full circle.

Seth and I have been together for 14 years, married 13 of them.  To some that is a lot, to some that is just barely beginning.   For us, it is the foundation that has helped solidify our marriage.   Before I fully post this, I want all of you readers to understand that it is by the grace of G-d Almighty that we are still together.  We have had to fight tooth and nail for our marriage.  So often I run into people that read my blog and they get the notion that our marriage is perfect and easy.   On the contrary.  Any time there are two people put together, there is bound to be trials.   We have faced more than our fair share, but instead of turning on each other, the Lord has showed us how to hold on for dear life and push forward.  With that here is my post.

I remember meeting Seth for the first time.  I had just moved from Iowa with a shattered heart.  I knew nobody here but my parents and sister.   After months of mourning my relationship I decided to get up and fully jump back into life.   I met a hairdresser, who instantly became my friend.   She offered to have me come and meet her friends after a hard day's work.

I remember getting ready with my hair freshly cut, makeup applied, and an adorable form fitting yellow dress with blue flowers (that I will never fit in again).   It was time to move on, whatever that looked like.  We ended up at her friend's house and there were more people there that I had expected.   There was an in ground swimming pool full of people.  I was amazed to see one in the mid west.  Where I came from, any pools were above ground, so I was really surprised.  After sitting quietly for a while, a young man came and sat down and chatted with me.  We talked for a couple of hours without one lull in the conversation.  Did I mention it was completely dark?  I was so comfortable being in the dark, yet couldn't help but wonder what he looked like.  Before I knew it, everyone was moving inside.  I panicked a bit.  This guy seemed perfect, what if he didn't like the way I looked?  What if he didn't like me?  What if I didn't like the way he looked (tacky, I know)?  We moved indoors and he disappeared.   I sat down on the couch and began to talk with everyone else, when in he walked.  I was smitten.  Double dimples, blue eyes, and a smile that melted my hardened heart.  

While I am very vocal, when I don't know you, I actually clam up (sorry friends, you won't see this again).   I saw him and knew I had to have him.  I even gave him my beeper number (yes, I said beeper).  He didn't seem  impressed, but I had hope.  So much so, I went home and called my friend in Iowa to tell her I met the man I was going  to marry.

Two weeks went by and he never called.  My thoughts went to him every single day that passed.  I couldn't shake the feeling we were meant to be.  My friend again offered for me to get together with her friends yet again, and I figured it was time to move on (secretly hoping he would be there).   He was, but this time I decided to play it cool and just talk with everyone else.   This time he sought me out, and well without getting into details, we ended up together.

Pretty much after he asked me to clarify what our dating status was, we were inseparable.   He loved my spunk and I loved his sweetness.   He was pretty quiet and I was anything but.   We were polar opposites.  He loves sweets, I loved salty.  He loved adventure, me, more of a homebody.  But somehow it just worked.   I know now that G-d had us placed together to balance each other out for what was to come.  When we got married, we really did become one. 

I could go on and on about all the wonders that is my husband.  He has really been such an amazing influence on me.  While he was a wild child as a teenager, he had become quite subdued by the time we met.   All I can say is he was and still is pure love.  (My eyes are welling up with tears)    I was pretty immature when we met and was very opinionated (okay, some of that stuck) .  There was only one way in my eyes and that was, my way.  I was very harsh and very determined to do things myself.  I was very independent and pretty much did everything the hard way.  I didn't want any help.  So it was amazing to me to meet Seth.  Seth is a giver, loves to help, loves to serve, is patient and kind, and well think about anything good and that's him in a nutshell.

Little did I know how well G-d had paired us.  As life moved on and our apartment burned down, my anxiety went hay wire.  I didn't really have any idea that I even had anxiety till then, but through each panic attack, he loved me even more.

So when we had Aurora and the counselor announced that with one death of a child that 80% of couples go their own way.   As she closed the door, I sat there pregnant knowing that my child would not live a long life and that my husband would probably leave me, I fell apart.   Seth took my hand and looked into my eyes and promised me that no matter what, we would always stay together.  From that moment on our bond went from earthly, to heavenly.  We promised each other and we meant it.

As I grieved for Aurora, and our two little's that we never met, Seth purposefully climbed down into grieving with me.   Typical men have a tendency to just keep themselves busy and just move on.  Even though I know at times he wanted to, he purposefully didn't.   He allowed me to cry.  He allowed me to blow up as many pictures as I wanted of the kids and put them up on our walls.  He never judged me, never told me it was too much, he just showed me love.

So when we had Elijah and I was on full bed rest for 30 weeks.  Yes, for 30 weeks he took care of me while I was on the couch morning, noon, and night.   With every amnio infusion, he was by my side cheering Elijah on.   One amnio infusion went badly and I collapsed.  They took me into another room as they monitored me, he sat by my side reassuring me all the way.  I was with him and that was all that mattered.

Eli was born and that is where I really saw his full potential kick in.  He bonded instantly with our boy and rarely left his side.  He loved on Eli with his whole heart and gave everything he could to be with him.  He and I eventually did his dialysis at home with meds, blood pressure, shots, mickey buttons, dextrose evaluations, and more...  Seth perfected everything down to a science, it was amazing to watch.   Then our little guy left for heaven, and I heard him weep.  There is nothing more sad than listening to a grown man cry.   Our lives were shattered, yet we were put back together like scar tissue.  Scar tissue isn't as pretty as an unmarked body, yet is so tough that it's almost indestructible.  We became scar tissue together.  While it wasn't pretty how it happened, it has bound us for life.

In our many highs and many lows, we desperately clung to G-d.  With Aurora we prayed, but by the time Elijah came, we memorized verses and searched into the bible to find G-d.   We found Him and saw Him in the life and death of our son,.  We braided ourselves into His presence knowing we could not survive without our Lord. 

We were blessed to have Isaiah and Aria and it seemed that we were in the clear for any more trials.  While losing the kids was more devastating that I can express, when I got sick, it expanded things in a way we couldn't imagine.  

As I got more and more sick, my spunky firecracker (what Seth and my Grandpa call me) bigger than life self, became dim.  I became helpless, fragile, and completely dependent on Seth.   The good Lord had prepared him to fight for not only his job, his home, his kids, but now his wife.   He did things for me that I still can hardly utter without full out weeping.  To move us in with his parents, to take me to the hospitals (all 4 of them including across the state) and sleep in chairs so that he didn't leave my side.  He dressed me, bathed me, brushed my hair, fed me, wiped my tears as I barely hung on to life.   Even as I felt my spirit getting ready to leave, he pleaded with me not to leave his side.  He prayed with me and over me.  He carried me, and even as my body bore sores of ugliness, he told me how beautiful I was.

He loved me.

I love him.  He has my undying loyalty and my eyes are only for him.   We have been through so much.  Even today as my muscles are swollen around my neck and shoulders, he is moving the chairs and pillows around, massaging my muscles that have turned to bone, and reassuring me that this too will pass.

Words cannot capture my love for my husband, my best friend, my soul mate.   We have been to the bowels of hell more than once and yet our love grows even deeper.  With each struggle both named and unnamed, we cling to each other in our ever growing love story.   Who knows, maybe by the time I write my book you will hear about the great lovers and there will be Seth and Kelly;)  

I am thankful to G-d for allowing the honorable man to be born on this day 34 years ago.  He truly has embodied that of what G-d calls us to be.  I am not saying he is perfect, as I do live with the man.  But I do know that G-d has sent me pieces of heaven on Earth, and he is one of them.    Seth, you have more than honored your vows to me.  Each day that I am with you, you help me cling to truth.  Each day that I fall, you lift me up.  Each day that I cry, you wipe my tears.  Each day that I explode, you put me back together.  Each day that I laugh, you laugh with me.  Each day that I rejoice, you dance with me.  Each day....  You are by my side and I am forever grateful.   I love you my sweet Seth, forever and always.  I am so glad to be apart of a true love story with you.  I would have it no other way.   PS Put your dirty clothes in the hamper!!!!  Not next to, but in!!!!  (Sorry, I had to leave on a silly note.  It's just how I roll) I love you, Happy Birthday. 

Thank you Lord for this sweet man, we give you all of the glory.


This dance captures us perfectly.   Click below to see the dance that inspired this post.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TsR1yiAe9g
 

Elijah's Dream

Yesterday I wrote about picture day and all the silliness that followed.  What I haven't written about, yet feel compelled to do so, is a subject very near and dear to my heart.  

Last night we had to attend and open house for school.  The kids were all abuzz about going and begged me to come along.  I was surprised that they wanted me to.  I had no intention to go, as I knew that the large crowds plus the heat would equal me being a bit on edge.  I love the fact that they are eager to go to school and I want them to revel in that joy for as long as they can.  So sometimes, I try to bow out to allow Daddy to have as much fun without me hovering over each movement.   But they asked, and I know that the ages that they are in, where they aren't ashamed to be with us, is to be treasured. 

So we packed everybody up and the school reminded me of a colony of a bee's buzzing to the hive to see the Queen bee.   There were so many families and everyone was clustering in the halls chattering about.  Some of the kids seemed so filled with joy, while others seemed to walking around bewildered and even a bit fearful.  We were making way around the school to find classrooms and set up pick up plans to prepare them and me for what is in store this year.

Then it hit me, Aurora and Elijah.  

I can't tell you how much they are on our minds each day.  Being the parent of a child that has passed, doesn't mean that we ever get used to them being gone.  I don't know how to quite explain it, but I think for those who don't know, they might assume that we just get used to them being gone, especially since they were only here for such a brief amount of time.

I can't tell you how often I struggle to answer the question of, "How many children do you have?"   Do I say 2, 4, or 6?

Obviously we have 2 alive and well, but then we also had Aurora and Elijah and that makes 4.  We also have had 2 miscarriages in between Eli and Aurora, which makes 6.   There is always that tricky answer of who do I share my pearls with?  I have found for the most it will depend on my mood and how interested the individuals really are.

We live in a society where it is not acceptable to dwell on grief.  If  you go into the bible and really seek out how the death of a loved one was handled, it normally entailed sack cloth and ashes, weeping, and everyone coming to surround them with whatever needs that needed.  It was taken seriously.  It was not belittled.  It was not put off.  They embraced it, as they truly acknowledged that value of life and loss.   In some countries to this day, they hoist the deceased on their shoulders and wail openly and let it all out.  They miss their loved one and they aren't ashamed of who knows it.  It isn't judged as drama or attention seeking.  It isn't annoying.  It's a part of life and they weep with those who weep.

In the past few months alone I have had several friends who have had miscarriages.  They know that I understand, and G-d has allowed my pain to become a safe haven for those who are experiencing the very thing we once had walked alone.  They all have chosen to grieve in different ways and it has been quite the learning process for me to see that we all handle things so differently.   But the one commonality is that they all need someone to listen, to feel safe with, and to know they aren't alone.  So more and more I am learning to say I have 6 children.  Not to mention Isaiah will rake me through the coals if I don't include our two tiniest.   So we have 4 in heaven and 2 on earth.

I remember when I used to work in homes and took care of those who had lost children, in their late age they would speak openly about the little ones that they had lost long ago, but at that time they weren't allowed to talk about them.  It was deemed unacceptable and I think most women really had to truck it alone and suffer in silence and alone.  So I would hear them speak of their little ones and yet there was no record of children that they were speaking of.  But as I listened, I understood.  They were their little ones, they counted, and even after 60 and 70 years, they were missed.  

I am now being told more and more about stories of elderly patients who are some where between death and life who actually speak of seeing little boys or little girls.  Some know that they had siblings that had passes, while others had no clue.  The crazy part, they find out later that there really was a brother or sister that had died long ago, with no mention their entire life.  Yet on their parents death bed, they speak and even see the ones they had quietly missed throughout all of the years.

There is so much that I am finding out about truth.  How important it is to be honest with others and share your joy and pain with others as this is not a journey meant to be traveled alone.  What I am saying is that even though it's been 11 years since Aurora Passed, 10 since the miscarriages (who do have names), 9 since Elijah has passed, they are still ever present on my mind every day as much as when they first left.   My thoughts go to them through out the day in wonder and in remembering.

I speak of this not to say I am in a constant state of sorrow, but that this is our reality.  Some days the memories are full of joy and while others leave us with a sense of longing for what was and what was supposed to be.

So as I got out of the van yesterday it hit me.  Aurora would be going into 6th grade.  I can only imagine her getting her first bit of acne, her fist heavy duty crushes.  Her chatting on the phone endlessly with her BFF's.  Elijah, our sweet double dimpled little guy would be in 4th grade.  Goodness, I can only imagine what he would have been interested in, whether it would be books, sports, or just down right playing.   As I held tightly to Aria's hand and Isaiah walking snuggly next to me, I felt my eyes well up with tears in feeling their absence.   I see other 11,10, and 9 year olds and I can't help but pause and ponder how different our lives would be.

I have had so many compliment our parenting style.  A few have chalked it up to the fact that we only have two children and had we had all of them we wouldn't be the parents that we are.   I somewhat agree but for very different reasons.   For us had we had all of our children, not only would it have been a zoo, and yes I think our styles of parenting would have been different but only because we have walked a road we didn't intend to.   For me, I think I am different (not better) because every day we live with the reminders of how fortunate we really are.  We know what it is like to have a child take up every hour of the day with constant parenting only to be left with an empty room.  I remember at times it felt eerie going into Elijah's room after he died.  No longer was there the noise of  dialysis machine humming, the blood pressure cuff and pulse ox beeping, no coo's, nothing....  It was all so silent.  Our world became silent.

Ever since they have passed I have begged G-d for dreams about them.  I have only had one dream involving Aurora and it was quite abstract.  Elijah, I had one a few years ago, but it brought me little comfort.

Last night, my prayer was answered and my little man came for a visit (tears pouring from my face).

I don't remember every detail, but the room was bright and Elijah was at the age he had passed away at.  Almost as if no time had passed.   He was smiling at me with his double dimples and big ole soulful blue eyes.   I had no indication if the room was at home or the hospital, but I didn't care.   I felt such peace.  I was chattering with him and encouraging him to speak.   I kept on telling him how much I wanted to hear his voice.  He just smiled with a coy look about him.  I hugged him (seriously I am still crying) and picked him up.  I felt his weight on my body and my heart was soaring.  It was if I had known he had already died and I was getting those 5 extra minutes I had begged for.  I was doting on every movement and all the while he is smiling.  He said a short sentence and for the life of me I can't remember it, but I squealed and jumped up and down with delight.  He grinned.  It was if time had stood still.  Life was happening all around me, but I was totally devoted to each movement he made.

He then reached for his peritoneal dialysis line.  He had it most of his short life.  It was coiled in a spiral underneath a layer of his belly skin.  Most of the time he was tethered to it, until the dialysis was complete.  Some days he would be on it all day, while others for a few hours.  In his life he never messed with it.  We had taped it up so that he it would be out of his reach.  But in the dream he looked at me and began to pull it out.   I felt a bit of panic pass through and I told him not to do that, but he just looked at me with peace in his eyes and pulled it out.  A bunch of water gushed out and I ran to look for Dr. Bunchman (His Nephrologist at the time he was alive) for help.  He wasn't with his partner, in fact I stopped and asked where Dr. Barletta was.  He just waved the question away (which he used to do) and he walked back with me.  

Aria was in my room while I was asleep.  Normally once I awake, I can't get the same dream back, but for some reason I was caught between being aware of Aria and yet still dreaming of Elijah.  I didn't want to wake up, I just wanted to stay with him and make sure that he was alright.  I didn't feel bad, just I was just being a Mom who wanted to fix my little guy, even if only for a moment.   My eyes locked with his and I saw his small little body, so full of life, right there, so close.   I finally woke up and my heart was filled with a peace I can't explain.  I have been crying tears of joy all day.  After 8 long years, I got to hold Mr. Buddy Buddy Pants for the minutes I have begged for.  I know it sounds crazy, but  it was so real. 

He didn't look sick, he looked happy.  He wasn't puffy (edema), he was healthy pudgy.   One can only speculate what the dream meant.  What I took away from it was an answer to prayers.  I got to be with him.  It was almost as if he was showing me the way things used to be and where he is now.  He doesn't need dialysis anymore.  He isn't in pain.  He is alive in heaven and one day I will be where he is and never have to feel the sorrow his or any of my other children's absence.   It was a gift from G-d. 

Am I a good Mom because of how many children I have?  No.  When I am good (because let's face it, sometimes I don't make the grade) I owe to G-d and for the fact of the road that He has had us walk.  Some Mom's are born to be Mom's and are naturally good at it.  Me, not so much.  I believe G-d used their lives to shape me.  To increase my faith.  To make me aware of how delicate life truly is.  Before them, I really had no concept of the finality of death.  I had no concept of the importance of devoted parenting.  I had no concept of G-d and who He really is.   While the pain of daily life and all it brings doesn't diminish the hurt, it has opened my heart and my mind to keep on searching for G-d and all that his grace and truth has to offer.

I have my down days.  My loved ones around me have seen me and let's face it, will continue.  But on the days where I am able to keep my heart open for what G-d has in store for me, is worth more than any amount of money or hardship.   No, I am not who I am because of my strength.  I am who I am (and still searching) because it is my Lord that guides me, strengthens me, gives me hope when I have none, and knows me better than I know myself.  He does answer prayers.  Although our timing is not his timing, if you take the time to be still and wait and truly believe, He will come.  

I want to encourage everyone out there, to stop and reach out to those around you.  Yes, I know you are busy.  I know that you are stressed out beyond belief.  But as a good friend told me, when you help others around you, you have no idea how that may change the course of their life.  It isn't about us, it's about others.  I encourage you to go to that funeral home or funeral for someone that you knew, no matter how hard it is, no matter how busy you are.   You never know the day when it could be you on the other side, needing someone to take time out of their day to enter into your pain.   This can be used in any situation, a divorce, a sickness in the family, a mental illness, financial loss, drug addiction, rebellion,  seriously it can apply to any and all things that seem like every day.   All it takes is for one act of mercy to open one's heart to hope.   You have all seen how much others have helped us.  I don't think it to be coincidence.  I think it to be G-d showing others just what we need when we need it.  

Watch, pray, believe, dream, and be amazed....  Mama loves you Punky Pants}{

PS  After much thought, in my opinion the dream showed as he was and now how I believe he is.  That he no longer needs his PD line and instead of blood, possibly the water represented "living waters" that he now receives from G-d, where he thirst, hunger, and pain are no more.  

Adventures in Picture Day

Today was picture day for the kids school.  I don't know about you, but picture day for me was pretty much a huge ordeal.  I am telling you the honest truth that every odd year 1st, 3rd, 5th,.... something happened to deform my pictures.  This was back in the day when they did pictures without parental supervision.

Apparently I had anxiety at a young age and was overly aware of what was going on.  I remember specifically 5th grade picture day.  I woke up feeling good (I was sick a lot as a child) and figure, Score!!!  So this was back in the day of bad perms and skyscraper bangs (Don't deny it people, we all did it!) and I was determined to get mine to the perfect height.  Just the right amount of hairspray to hold it all day (I sadly admit to contribution to the hole in the ozone due to all of my aerosol cans of hairspray) and voila!   I got my best dress on and pretty much was very pleased with myself that I had beaten the odd year curse.

Carefully I walked down to the bus stop, picture order in my hand and practicing flashing my best smile but without showing my teeth (I had a gap).  So as we waited in the chilliness of the day for our bus, my eye started to itch.  I couldn't figure out why, but just blew it off.  By the time the bus had gotten there, something was horribly wrong.  I could barely see out of my eye and I had no clue what was going on.  Being that I was around 11, no one on the bus bothered to tell me the ugly truth, my eyelid was swelling.  We pulled up to the school and I quick ran to the bathroom and my eye was swollen shut, bright pink, and puffy.  Seriously...   So they had to call my parents to come and get me and my victory was snuffed out as quickly as it had started.   We later went to the doctor and they were never able to figure out what had happened....  The curse of the odd year pictures carried on all the way through 11th grade and yes, even to this day it still manages to make way into our collage of pictures.   I am many things, but photogenic is not one of them.

Which brings us to today.  Thankfully our kid's school does the pictures before school begins, which is AWESOME!   Seth has had the pamphlets taped to the wall, but honestly it has been my form of denial of summer ending, so I have refused to look at them.  But alas today was the day I had to make a decision of what package to pick from and so on.

Alright, rant of the day.  HOLY COW!!   Kids school pictures are so stinkin' expensive!   All I want in a 8x10 for us and 2 5x7's for the grandparents, and a class picture.  That's it.   No frills, just basics people.  I know it sounds horrible, but now a days we take so many pictures that we don't need to mail everyone a photo, although I am sure it would be nice.  But on top of that, the cost was shocking!   You can't order a la carte, unless you order a huge package.  I can't tell my kids I am not going to order pictures, that would just be devastating.  So I found the best package that we swallow and signed the checks with a big gulp and thought to myself,  we'll make the best out of it and make them look fabulous! 

So I figured let's make this fun for them and get them all dolled up.  Aria's hair was a bit wavy so I offered to flat iron her hair if she wanted.  She loved this idea as I have only done it one other time.  I laid out all the hair pretties for her to choose from and let her choose.  Of course she picked the one I wasn't to keen on, but whatever.  I wanted her to have fun and to make her own choices.   So, I managed to trash two rooms in less than one hour pulling everything out to make things easily accessible.    We brushed teeth till they sparkled.  Cleaned all remnants of lunch off of their faces (this is big people) and picked out nice little outfits to be dazzling in.   Aria pleaded for some make up (and so it begins) so I appeased her with a little blush and barely there lip gloss.  Isaiah was a piece of cake to do his hair and then we practiced smiling.

Practice smiling?  Yes, there is a difference in how they smile.  So far cheese smiles, look cheesy and as though they are going to get a shot of some sort.   So I kept on trying to have them think about funny things and to giggle.  Fine, well done, good enough, let's go. 

Going by myself was a big step in itself.   It might not seem like much, but for me, these things can be a challenge energy wise.  Any time I go somewhere I have to figure out it there is a place to sit down in case I get winded.  Especially if I am feeling anxious.  I didn't know what to expect going during the day, but I figured there would be less people and that would make things easier to navigate and hopefully not have to stand in line for a long time.

Kids, check.  Picture forms signed and paid for, check.  Car keys, check.  Brush for mishaps, double check.   Aria seemed to be feeling good enough to go, so off we went.  This is when things get a bit sticky.

I pull up to the school and there were only a few cars, so already it's a bonus.  So I happily hop out of the van and free the kids from their seatbelts.  I look at Aria and her head band and hair is a complete mess.  People, it takes like 3 minutes to get to their school.  How do you mess your hair up in 3 minutes?!   Not only that but as she gets out, her skirt is sliding down lower and lower so that her undies are showing.  What on earth?  Her skirt fit just fine at home and now it's about to shimmy down her legs.  Okay, no sweat hike it up and let's get out of here, I just need the brush.  The brush... Where is the brush!  Where did it go?  I start thrashing around the van tipping things on their side, looking under, over, and even on the ceiling (hey, with kids you never know), nothing.   No brush (insert panic).  Aria looks like she just came out of the jungle and with the mono her little face already looks a bit sickly and now the hair just completes the deal.

I know, I know, there are worse things in life.  Trust me, we of all people know that.  Honestly, this is just for pure entertainment value and to remind myself to keep on laughing.  Not only that, but I think G-d is allowing me to deal with situations so that I can grow.  Anxiety and fear have been some of my biggest enemies, so really with each situation I have been trying to force myself to face my fears head on.

So now Aria looks like Cousin It and her skirt is barely hanging on, her panda undies are peeking through, and then I realize, her shirt is too small.  Her belly button is hanging out, sigh.   How did I not notice?  For a split second I contemplated going home and just go in later with Seth.   No.  NO!!!  I can do this myself!  I have to try.   So what if things aren't perfect, life is messy.  I don't want to fall into my usual trap of trying to wait till things are perfect, it doesn't happen. 

So we walked in and made our way to photographers.  I smoothed out Aria's hair as best as possible, pulled down her shirt and we went for it.  Isaiah stood on one side and Aria on the other and they both got them done at same time.  Being the helicopter/control freak Mom that I am this was pretty frustrating.  I found myself pacing back and forth (and I wonder why I have stomach issues) trying to make them laugh.  Isaiah was pretty set on his own.  I decided that ship had sailed and to just let go.  Aria on the other hand was posing, yes posing.  She cocked her head to the side, put her arms up, anything to make it a more glamorous shot.  I wanted to laugh my tush off.  The poor photographer was trying her best to be patient and instruct Aria on what to do.   All the while Aria has this smile that reminded me of someone who was on their way to get a root canal.    She couldn't smile.  It was like she froze in terror.  So the lady snaps a shot and Aria at the last second throws up her hands.   The lady by now is getting frustrated and begs Aria to keep her hands down.  I am trying to be silly in the background but nothing was helping. 

I felt at that moment my body surrender.   I found myself thinking to G-d, alright I am letting go.  It doesn't matter how much money is involved, this isn't worth it.  Click.  They let me look at the photos.  Isaiah's is smiling so hard that you can hardly see his eyes and Aria looks constipated, done.   The lady nicely asked if I wanted to retake it again.  My control freak ways wanted to say "YES!"  But then I said, "No, that is fine." 

After all, each photo doesn't have to perfect.  In fact there is something to be said about those photographs where things are messy.  They give better stories and they can create laughter instead of memories of anxiety and living up to an expectation that cannot be filled.  I want my kids to feel okay with themselves and not give into the lie that everything needs to be perfect. 

Where there is perfection (by human standards) there is stress.  I can only imagine how many fun memories we could have made in letting things just be more relaxed.  Maybe I should have just let her hair be crazy and not made her practice her smile so that she really would want to smile.  Either way, I have learned a huge lesson.  Just let go...   It's a lesson that I seem to be coming to terms with over and over again, and my type A personality just kicks in and sucks the fun out whatever might have been.

Besides, I am alive.  I got to take my kids to picture day for the first time ever, on my own!!!  I have been too sick the past few years to even go.   Aria got glammed up and loved every moment of it.  Isaiah and I got to discuss the benefits of hair smoothing gel.  More than anything, they thought it was fun.   The part that got me to laugh was finding the brush in the van.  Yes, it was there all along but wasn't found until after the pictures.   Okay G-d I get it, release the control and just trust and enjoy each moment.  And when things don't go the way you expect, you know there will be great story to share.  

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers for Aria and our entire family.  I know mono isn't that big of a deal compared to all of the other stuff we have had to deal with, but when it's your kid you never like to see them in pain or not feeling well.  I have learned to have empathy for even the simplest of things as let's face it, life can be a bit overwhelming and it's the little stuff that seems to make me snap.  

Watch, pray, believe, laugh, and be amazed. 

Lab Results and Writing

For those who read my blog, yesterday I posted about Aria not feeling well.   While it may seem odd that I resort to letting people pray at any little affliction, we have been through a lot and we take things very seriously.   

When we left I had suspected a UTI and the office wanted to see her sooner than later.  I don't know how to explain it, but this past week she just has seemed off.  Not whiny, just almost melancholy, which is so opposite of here.   I had hesitated to make an appointment sooner, as I didn't have enough to go on and frankly we try to avoid the doctor's office as much as possible.

While I wasn't keen about the idea of antibiotics (I know too much) I figured we'd bite the bullet and get it over with it.  But then Seth called to notify me her UA came back negative but that they detected glucose in her urine.  The biggest thing they were suspecting was diabetes.   I was stunned.  I know it is a management process, but some people with diabetes are at risk for so many issues, one of them being GP amongst many other things.

Like I said, we have a wide variant of people that we know.  One of them was a friend of ours who is diabetic and she ended up going into a diabetic coma while nursing her infant son and he ended up passing away.  We know so many other stories and I know diabetes is nothing to push off.  So I called my friend and she prayed with me.

I figured if all was okay or manageable that they wouldn't call for a while.  At about 11:30 last night I finally started to relax and figure that nothing was up and we prepared to go to bed.  The phone rang and my blood ran cold. 

First I will say, Thanks be to G-d in heaven as it is not cancer or diabetes!!!  So we rejoice in that news.  What they did find was Mono.  All I could think was, she must have licked something!  Proof all the more that she really does lick stuff!  As most of you know Mono is more commonly found in teenagers than children (at least that is what I thought).   She isn't contagious as long as she isn't running a fever, but her symptoms will ebb and flow.

I kept on wondering why she seemed so down lately and apparently she is just exhausted and she is in pain.  I know from being a teenager when it spread around school and when I had gotten it, I felt like doody and I missed a huge chunk of school that year.  I just remember being so sleepy and achy.  The other thing we have watch is her spleen.  She has been complaining that her tummy hurts and being that she threw up, they attributed it to that she is in pain.   So they have advised us to be extra vigilant about making sure we protect her abdomen from any trauma.  So we are going to be relaxing for the next week or so and making sure she isn't running around to protect her little belly.

Mono can be contagious with a fever (although they said it's more sharing utensils or swapping spit), so we are asking for prayers that she would recover quickly and also that it would not spread to the rest of us (if your read my post a week ago about the soap up her nose, we ended up swapping spit (insert shutter)).  Seth and I are already so run down and my immune system has taken quite a beating this past few years.  We have school right around the corner and I have am just praying for the anxiety to subside.   I realize that kids are going to pick up things and this is just part of life.  I know that G-d is working on me to help me overcome my fears and apparently he is having me face them head on, and since I am human I get easily overwhelmed.

So I as you may have noticed I am returning to writing.  I feel the Lord has given me the drive to write, to provide me with an emotional outlet, to remember, and hopefully to inspire others in any way that the Lord deems fit.   My goal is to share in my journey to connect with others and to move forward.  

I love comments and to be able to interact with my readers, so feel free to share!   On a positive note Aria has been a bit more smiley today.  We do ask for prayers for our whole family right now for healing and blessings.  This past decade(yes, I said decade) has been a bit overwhelming and Seth and I are worn out.  At the same time I can't complain as I feel with each trial that we have been blessed to see G-d's mighty hand at work.  I am still believing that my healing from my stomach issues, and my heart and soul are in process.  We are thankful for the words of encouragement, the family and friends that we are blessed to have (especially those who truly have been there when things spiral out of control), and most of all for a G-d that hears our cries and extends his new mercies every day.   

Again, I realize there are many of you who have someone who are truly in the thick of some life threatening illnesses.  I am not trying to be dramatic about something that may seem insignificant compared to other issues in this life.  If you are a parent, you know that if your child is hurt, you hurt.  The one thing I have learned about trials, no matter how big or small they are, it's still a trial. 

Anyways, I pray that you all enjoy these last few weeks of summer.  That you are able to enjoy running around in shorts and not winter garb!  I hope you are able to make memories with your families of joy and laughter, as life circumstances can seem overwhelming and sometimes snuff out the beauty that is all around you.  Keep looking for those daily blessings and rejoice as this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!   Thank you for reading and caring about our family, may you be blessed:) 

And the Bottom Drops Out

We last left off on the drama of the Cozy Critter soap up my daughter's nose.   We were hoping for some boring days to come, but alas, adventure is always right around the corner.

Seth has recently joined a men's bible study.  I am thrilled for him as my bible study has become a safe haven for me.   So far every week they pick a guy's house to meet at and then they provide dinner.  Sounds good right?  It did to me until Seth comes home last week to notify that he volunteered our house.  Say what??  Let me clean the wax out of my ear or maybe my hearing aid battery died.  I thought to myself, has he lost his mind???   

What's the big deal?  I am sure you may be wondering.  Believe me, two and half years ago, I would have been all about this.  I would have been in the kitchen, cooking up a storm and cleaning like a mad woman to prove we really don't live in a pig sty (okay, so it's not that bad, but kids=mess).    I am so pleased with this group of men that he is with so I would LOVE to open our home and say "Me casa, es su casa!" (pretty good for three years of Spanish) 

But the reality of the situation is, I have little to no energy.  Seriously, tortoises walk faster than I do.   My cooking skills are, okay, but not where I would love them to be.  Still, I saw my husband's eyes light up with joy at the thought of us hosting.  (sigh, must he be so darn cute)

So what is a wife to do?  I caved.  I didn't know how it would get done, but I figure, we'll get there.  As each day that passes by, we are getting school papers to have meet and greets with the teacher, pictures, open house, relatives visiting, play dates, friends, juicing (it takes a lot of time), cleaning, organizing, back to school shopping, panic, terror, and cleaning...  Did I forget anything?

As each envelope and call comes in to book up our calendar, I kept on looking at Thursday.  You see, to the average American they are overbooked and have a million things to do a day.  For me, especially since getting sick, one thing a week is good.  One thing a day is overwhelming.  Multiple things is insanity!  As I glanced at Thursday, I noticed there were 3 big appointments.  So I casually yet a bit nervously asked Seth, "uuuuuummm, so....  Have you noticed that you have the dentist, a school teacher meeting, and your bible study all in one night?"  Seth replies with a "I've got it under control, it's not biggie.  Don't sweat about it." 

I have recently been making it my goal to not micro manage.   I know that G-d wants me to trust in certain areas of my life, so I am trying hard to release the reigns of control over to my Hubs when he feels he is able.  So, released I go.   Aria had her birthday on Monday.  We tend to be fly by the seat of our pants kind of family.  I try not to plan too much in case my body doesn't cooperate.  So on her birthday, the weather was nice enough to go swimming at our friends house that we haven't seen much.  So off we went.  As we are there I see a giant bowl of blueberries.  To which I found out that literally up the street is a place that we can pick blueberries for a buck a pound.  For the first time in a while I happened to have some cash on me (which never happens) and as soon as Seth got off of work we quick ran over and picked blueberries.  All the while I am shouting to the family, "Pick as fast as you can they are about to close!!""  So Seth and I are picking like mad people as our kids casually saunter around to each bush to investigate and discuss each single blueberry.   By then I am sweating like a pig.  Aria is wearing her bathing suit since I didn't know we were going to pick blueberries and her fancy dress was packed to be worn.  I am stepping in what I can only hope is mud, but still and not sure what it is.   My heart is racing as the sign list it's hours and says, No Exceptions!!!   So another words, pick and be out of here on time. 

I find myself trying to savor the moment.  I am blueberry picking!!  Yet panic is hurrying each movement along as I call out like some crazy couch "Pick!!  Pick!  Less yapping and more picking!"   Finally after a half hour we all run to van with our bucket in tow and the kids are giggling to see their parents running with our arms flailing about.   We jump into the van and pay and drive like we just made a robbery of some sort.   We all breathe sighs of relief only to hear "I'm hungry!"  Yes, yes, they need to eat you foolish woman.  Going out to eat is next to impossible with my dietary issues, but also now Isaiah can rarely eat out as well.  So I have a brilliant idea.  "Hey Ar...  what do you think about spaghetti from last night?"   I felt so bad, left overs for a birthday dinner, my heart sank with guilt.  Thankfully she is the easiest going kid, "sure!!"  Sweet, score one with the easy going kid.  So left overs and blueberries for the birthday girl.    Nothing was planned, but it all worked out well.

But with each day that passed, my energy has been drained quickly.  By 5 PM, I am spent.   Everyday I pray with great goals to achieve, but realistically I know if I get more than two off of the list, I have hit a jackpot.   The odd thing was though, our super easy going girl has been a bit off.  She had a couple of accidents, which hasn't happened since she was potty training.   My brain quickly pondered a bladder infection, but then I dismissed it.   As each day that is going by our days are filling with preparations for school and even readying myself as I am a night owl and I don't care to catch the worm in the early morning.   All the while I am noticing Aria is just not acting like herself.   I found myself thinking about it, but then figured it might be a growth spurt.

All I know is I made her an avocado, hummus, cheese, and purple sweet pepper sandwich and the little vegetarian wouldn't touch it.  This was so odd for her and yesterday was not my finest Mommy moments.  I have been feeling overwhelmed with our packed schedule and now she wasn't eating something I know she likes ( big flashing light!)  and I was just down right annoyed.   I set the clock, and that is normally a sure fire bet they know I am serious.  Nothing.   Let's just say I pulled out all of my best threats, tricks, and even full out discipline.  I am not short order cook, you eat what we have, bottom line.   

Nothing. 

That should have been a huge red flag, but my head was in the clouds with idea's of perfect parenting planning.   Yeah, no.   So I prayed a lot this morning.  I prayed for the patience to deal with things appropriately and to do it with a loving heart.   I waited for her to come into my room like she always does, nothing.   Hmmm... where is she.   So I go into her room after quite of a bit of time passed and there she was, sound asleep.

Now the alarms in my head are going off, she's sick.  Yes, the one time I really stick with my discipline and of course, she is sick.   I waited in my room and she quietly rolled on my bed.  Normally everyday she greets me with a giggle.  No giggle today, my heart sank.   I asked how she was feeling and she quietly said her tummy hurt.    This girl really has not one ounce of drama in her, so I knew she meant business.

Only the night before she was complaining that it hurt too, but I didn't see the signs and I gave her a long lecture of telling the truth.  Even though now looking back, she really does tell the truth (I need a time out) pretty much all of the time.  How did I miss it?   

Other severe issues were going on while this was all happening which I would rather keep private at this time.  But with this happening on top of it, it further complicated things.

So I pulled her in my arms and apologized and said how much I loved her and that I see now she was telling the truth.  She immediately forgave me and then rubbed my arm to console me.  She then said. "Mommy, I told you I was telling you the truth.  Oh and I threw up at 3 in the morning!"  Ummm, what?  "What are you talking about?" "Come, I'll show you."  She led me upstairs and proceeded to lead me to the ER barf bucket and sure enough she had.   I was blown away that she never came to wake us up and contained all of it, I am telling you, she is so not one to complain or bother....   So, now we are waiting on a doctor's visit.   I had an at home test for her to see if she has a bladder infection and it showed up positive.  So, now the appointment is scheduled right in the middle of all of our other stuff.  She is hardly moving and now we play the waiting game. 

Seth's big hosting event has been cancelled.  We are figuring she isn't contagious, but I can't tell you how many times I have met with people after they were sure their kids had food poisoning or the heat was too much.  Which in turn had all of us praying to G-d for mercy at the porcelain bowl promptly 24-72 hours later.  So to be on the safe side, we cancelled.  Seth is bummed.  I don't blame him.  I actually figured this would be a great way to add to my list of accomplishments to do it, so I am bummed for the both of us. 

The moral of the story, don't bite off more than you can chew.  If your child isn't acting right, there is probably a reason.  And if anyone sees my sanity running down the street, please capture it and return it to me.   I need a vacation....  Lord, help us all.    

PS  Aria tested negative for the UTI, but they did find something that indicated a more serious matter could be at hand, so they ordered lab work and we are awaiting results.

Hope This Makes You Laugh

Do you ever wonder if G-d has a sense of humor??  It is written that we are made in His image.  So that must mean He revels in joy and laughter.   Do you know what I think???   I think He does and here why:

The past few days have been a bit bumpy.  While I have been thrilled to finally be gaining some weight (oh thighs, I will never take you for granted again!) and feeling a joy in my heart that I haven't felt in a long time.   I have been learning to really grasp each moment of goodness and just squeeze the hooty hoo out of it and rejoice!!    I feel as though I have been able to not only get out of my bird cage (seems to be life metaphor) and not just flit around the room, but SOAR!!  

Mind you my idea's of soaring are different then most.  Mine consist of the little things like waking up to sunshine.   Putting on my clothes, doing my make up, oh and my hair so I don't look like and escaped convict on the run!   Some other things are taking a walk, chatting with my kids, spending time with loved ones.  I am sure it all sounds really normal and boring, but for me, they are huge reasons to celebrate!  I don't want to miss a minute and I can't get enough.  I feel as though I am getting a second chance on life and I want absorb every glorious moment (cue musical crescendo with full band and orchestra!) and some day even learn the Viennese Waltz to dance through life with grace and fluidity.   To not miss a step, but instead glide through life with a long flowing gown and my Husband dressed in a tux, gliding right along with me (sigh).

(Record player scratch) But alas, reality has a way of stepping in.  Which brings from gliding to bumpy.  We had an awesome birthday party for the kids.  It went beautifully and we had around 50 guests!  I wanted so much for the kids to be encircled by those who had pretty much carried us through this past year.  Behind the smile and the chatter, really I was struggling to get through.

The way I feel varies from day to day.  The biggest thing I have made a point to do is most of the time to focus on the good.  So if I am feeling blech, I keep on going and I smile as much as possible.   There is more good that goes on in a day than bad, for the most part.  So I have been trying hard to hold onto that mentality so that I can honor G-d and not complain so much. 

But there are those day when I am utterly and wholly human and I collapse.  Yesterday and today have been one of those days.  Before you think I am looking for a pity party, that ship has sailed.   Pity has gotten me nowhere, instead hope and humor have become my companions.   Sure I vent to my Hubs (poor guy, He deserves badge!) and to my very dearest friend (you know who you are;)) and of course, there is my main man, G-d (all the good stuff is His!) who hears it all, sees it all, knows it all.  Yep, they have seen me yell, cry, ugly cry (yes, there is a difference), whine, complain, moan, mutter, shriek, well you get the picture....


Yesterday I got the wind knocked out of me as I am fighting an infection.  The whole medication scenario enters the conversations as I weigh out pros/cons.   I have had this infection for a while but have been putting it off in the hopes it might go away, but then it gripped me and slammed me to the floor.  A fever snuck up on me and then the endless game of it's too hot, no too cold, no too hot..... played on.   I can't remember that last time I popped in a movie and just rested on the couch as I counted down the minutes before Seth got home.   

He finally showed up and I stumbled up the steps to my bedroom and longed for the mattress to just absorb my misery.   All I can say as I was coming back into the bedroom and I thought to myself, where is Seth....   The house was too quiet, he must be up to no good.    Every wife/mother knows that when Mama gets sick, the house falls apart and Daddy probably is letting the kids get away with whatever they want.   I thought to myself, eh, who cares?  Yes, today I will NOT care.  I will crawl into my bed and ask questions tomorrow.  That is until I look out of the window just in time to see a huge branch fall from our window!  

For a second there I thought it was the fever until I looked on the ground and saw it's lifeless walnuts lying on the ground.  Wind storm?  No..  Freak accident?  No...  Why my mind went straight to this is only a testament to we who are of the Nickerson Clan.  SETH IS ON THE ROOF!  Our second story roof has an insanely steep pitch, it is not something you can casually walk on. 

I ran to look out the back window to find evidence of a ladder.   Please no, he wouldn't be climbing on the roof without telling me!  He knows how I worry and I am a huge safety advocate.  It isn't that I doubt his ability, it's just he is the only one working!!  He's my other half, I need him! If he is in a body cast we are in big trouble!   So I marched myself out in the back yard and sure enough I see the extension cord of danger dangling from the 1st story.   I looked at the kids who led me right to him with their mouths gaping open, wide eyed and pointing that Daddy is on the roof!

I didn't see him at first and all I could think was I had heard a really loud thud and had never thought to look and see if he had fallen.  My heart started race, my deodorant quit, and out pop my hubby with a big ole toothy "I got my hand caught in the cookie jar" smile!   I asked him if he had lost his mind and he goes "What?  Your Mom wants the saw back."  Then he pulls the chain saw down.  CHAIN SAW!!  On the 2nd story of the roof (Yes Mom Nickerson, I know you know)  "what if you had fallen and the kids watched their dad fall to his death and I had no clue you were up on the roof?!"   Seth pauses for a second and flashes his dimples, "Huh?  But I didn't!"   Grrrrrraaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!   Can't a woman be sick in peace????  It never fails, I get sick and he gets on the roof, egads!!!

I hope you are laughing by now.  Maybe to some you don't see the issue, but I am a tried and true worry wart.  It shouldn't be Nervous Nelly, it should be Nervous Kelly!   Seth has been confessing to what really happens outside when I thought he was "playing" with the kids.  It turns out all sorts of "work" on the house has been getting done while I thought good ole Dad was riding bikes and bonding.  There has been bonding, just one of these days the three of them are going be repelling off of a highway bridge (ahem Seth, yes, I know you already did that in your younger days).  

If that doesn't get you laughing, this will.   

Which brings us to today.  As I lay huddled in a ball on the couch, doing my best to think happy thoughts, I felt worse.   G-d has a funny way of getting me out of my head.  Seth had come home at lunch to help get the kids situated for some play time while I rested on the couch.   They had their movie, Lego's, and Calico Critter's.  Good to go, right?

Well here is a not so secret, secret about Aria.  G-d sent this cute little bunny into my life for a reason.  She is sheer joy, pure love, and she is also a licker.  This is why I think He has a sense of humor.  He knows I have germ issues, we all do.  I have been making strides to over come this paralyzing not so funny phobia.  It started when Eli was up in the hospital and they would stress EVERY DAY how easy it would be for him to die from germs and then he did.   So it is a well warranted fear that even my  doctors have acknowledged and pointed out how normal my response is.    So I have been trying hard to release my false sense of control little by little.  

The kids go to school, church, they play, but every time we do anything I find Aria licking things!  Licking random walls, objects, I even caught her licking her Barbie's hair!  I get flowers or something that smells good, but hair???    So when we go somewhere I always warn whoever they are with that she does this.  They always blow me off but by the end of their visit they will say "she really does lick!  I found her licking XYZ.."

So today out of utter desperation I figured she would be fine with Isaiah, only I hadn't thought about the Calico Critters.   These things are her favorite!  She loves them, but some things come with the tiny pieces and for her birthday the Camper came with little tiny plates, cups, spoons, the works.  I remember thinking, Hmmmm, would she put this in her mouth?  Nah, we passed that stage.

So I was resting on the couch.  Bozo looks better than I do.  I hear Isaiah scream "Aria has something up her nose!"  Then silence.   Sometimes he'll rat her out when she attempts to do something, so I thought it was a threat.  Then I hear sobbing and Isaiah starts yelling again.  I jump into Mommy mode and assume the position as if I am trying balance on a surf board.  "What?!"   Isaiah slowly opens his door and Aria does the walk of shame with her face beet red.  Her gaze comes up from the floor and meets my eyes.  She begins to sob and shout out nonsense.  I look to Isaiah to interpret.   "Aria put her Calico Critter up her nose!"  Man alive, those things are an inch around, there is no way, I see no chipmunk hanging from her nose.  

I ask Aria as cool as I can, "What is up your nose?"  "The soap, the soap!!"   It clicks, her tiny Calico Critter soap (they also had toilet paper which I though at the time of opening the gifts was a great attention to detail) but alas now her tiny plastic treasure was going to cost me an ER visit.   She looks at me and says, "maybe you should get a flashlight?"  Yes, yes, that by golly that sounds good.  Maybe it would prove that the attempt of the soap going up the nose proved to be unsuccessful and then we would find it on the floor.  Man am I hoping the power of suggestion was enough to freak her out.  Then I looked up her left nostril and their it was, as pink as bubble gum, the bar of soap.  

Now Seth had once long ago taken a pea from her nose by using a straw and sucking it out with his MacGuyver skills.  I am Mrs. MacGuyver so I now knew my work was cut out for me.  I deduced that the straw wouldn't be able to full suction on the tiny bar of soap since it was plastic and about the size of a Tic Tac, which chanced me inhaling it.  So I did what any good Mom would do, I called the doctor.

Normally they tell you a nurse will call you back, but they had me hold.  I explained the situation with all the facts.  She knew how small the plastic soap was so she told me to put my mouth over Aria's,  plug her other nostril and blow as hard as I could.  

Say What?


"Like CPR over the mouth?"  "Yes, put the phone down and I'll hold."   Oooooookay.  I paused as I looked at Aria's sweet face, her nose was runny from all the crying.   Eeeewwww.  I know it's my kid, but really people a fear is a fear.   We never kiss on the mouth.  As a matter of fact I try to hug and kiss on the cheek or the top of the head.  Then I thought, how much therapy is she going to need for this?   Well, it's either this or the ER .  So it's this.

I had to lie her on her back and keep her calm so she didn't snort the soap in.  I had already tried to have her blow her nose, but after repeated attempts, it failed.   So I did what any mother would do.  I had her open her mouth and then she instantly starts to laugh.  I blew, looked at her nostril, nothing.   Blew again,  still nothing.  This time I go to blow and she blows into my mouth and starts laughing hysterically.   I told her not cut it out and can only imagine what the nurse must have thought listening to our conversation.  Then Aria starts to wiggle her tongue in my mouth.  "NOOOOO!!!!  Aria cut it out."  She proceeds to laugh even harder.   I get another big blow in and still nothing.  I go back to the phone and the nurse nervously asks if it is out.  Then she suggests Afrin to reduce and swelling.  I use Afrin.  That stuff is no joke.  I can't taste or smell for a couple of days after using it. "Afrin?  Are you sure?"  She says, "it should be fine." MMMMM not quite for this Mama.

Aria shouts "MOM, it's coming!!"  I ran to her side as I watch the tiny pink plastic soap slowly descend out of her nostril.  We both pause and Isaiah has joined us.  "It's out!!"  We all cheer!!  Followed by "DO NOT put things up your nose ever again!'

"I promise Mama."  She never calls me Mama.   Sigh....  "Okay, go back and play, no trouble okay?"    A long minute passes "ARIA Get that out of your mouth!!  MOOOOMMMM!"   So I give her mad props she didn't put it up her nose, she held true to her word.  Instead, she licked it.   Does G-d have a sense of humor?   I think so. 

I have to say it did jolt me from the focus of how I was feeling and led me to write this instead of wallowing in my misery.  So I say, "thank you Lord for saving us from the ER and thank you for making us rejoice, laugh, and be able to write for others and maybe make them laugh too!"  See, more good things happen then bad;)   

Do It Afraid

For those of you who read my previous blog, you already know that I have been challenging myself to where fear treads.  My latest endeavor, food.   Before gastroparesis (GP) struck I ate all of the time.  I ate when I was celebrating, angry, sad, bored, well you get the picture.  

Yes, I reminisce of days of old where I would go out to eat and indulge in a drink, appetizer, soup/salad, and yes, even stuff myself with an entrée.  Oooh la la!  Honestly, I remember at certain times eating all of this and then even eyeing Seth's food;)   I kid you not!  I was a Hoover vacuum cleaner (Or should I say Dyson for it's supposed super force of cleaning capabilities?)  

Any time we had any big pressing issues, we sorted it out over a lovely meal.  No matter how difficult the circumstances, something cheesy/artichoke/spinach dip seemed to just melt the troubles away, and when my belly was full, things seemed a bit more doable?   Does that make sense?

I have never liked baking, much to precise, which is odd as my personality loves formulas.  Anyhoo, I did love cooking.  One of my favorite shows was Chopped on the Cooking Network.  I always found it amazing to watch these people, on the fly, take only a few ingredients that normally wouldn't go well together and make just the most amazing succulent dishes!   So that fueled the idea to try and whip up some of my own concoctions in my own kitchen.  Some would bomb and some would end up with rave reviews from my number one fan, my hubby!

Since the GP hit, my adventures in the kitchen have come to a screeching halt.   My sniffer seems to make up for the lack of hearing and seeing.  In fact, it works overtime.   When going out, I find myself extremely frustrated when driving by any high profile restaurant.  I have no idea how they manage to make their delicious scents waft through the neighborhood, but my sniffer picks it up and I go banana's!   So having to prepare the dishes at home has been about as rare of a sighting as the Hope diamond. 

Sounds pretty selfish when I say it out loud.  Often I think of those in slavery who have to prepare delicacies yet aren't allowed one iota to eat.   So as my I find myself grumbling for the foods I smell, I just want to yell at it and say "Look here bub!  If you want the food so bad, get your act together and do your job!  You could be happy if you would just try!"   Then I think to myself, but I haven't been trying much, so how do I know?

After getting the diagnosis the doctor gave me a list of things to avoid.  I wanted to anything to avoid that pain, so I abided by it.  I weeded everything out in the hopes to never have pain again.  What I didn't know about GP, is it isn't a one size fits all.  In fact, for most it's different.  Some can tolerate fats but not fiber.  Some, the other way around.  Some can only eat fruits and veges without a drop of animal products.  Some, the other way around.  For me, I can do more lean meats and very low fiber.   But I crave those veges like nobody's business.  You know those Hidden Valley commercials where they have the kids diving into salads and going to stands with veges and ranch dressing, oh it's enough to make me go insane!!!   I want to go to that place and roll in them!!  But alas, for now, no.

So what can I do?  Juicing.  Yep, it's next on the agenda.  It cuts strains out all of the fiber and leaves the taste and nutrients.  I tried it last year and my stomach got really irritated, so I gave up quickly.  This time, it's time to take it slow and log every sip and record yay or nay.   I am going to do it afraid.  Life is to short to live afraid of everything.  So my goals: beets, cantaloupe, mushrooms, celery, cherries, strawberries, etc.  Most I will try to juice first and see how it goes.  But the mushrooms and beets, I am hoping to roast.   I recently in a moment of desperation popped a brownie bite into my mouth and since then have been hooked!  These are far from being healthy and technically I shouldn't eat them, but I am grateful!   I am hoping to learn to make things home made (like tortilla's) so that I don't have to worry about all of the additives.   We have also noticed that Isaiah is having a lot of digestive issues, so that has really made the drive that much more strong to help him digest better.  

I am learning so much about preservatives and pesticides.  While I wish we could buy everything organic and farm raised (humanely without hormones and antibiotics) for now, it's still a bit to steep.  So we are making small changes where we can.  I must say, be careful what you read.  Honestly, sometimes all of the info. out there is enough to drive one insane!  It can be scary and overwhelming.  Instead of freaking myself out, I decided to do baby steps as according to most info. everything we are eating is poison.  Coupled with having digestive paralysis, it's much to bleak.  I have enough to worry about.  

So while it might seem simple or stupid to make such a big deal over trying new foods, for me it's comparable to my fear of heights.   I am going to do it afraid and I know there will be hits and misses, but I also know that there will be winners!  It's been a pattern in my life that I have noticed, I am afraid to try because I might fail.  Well, the biggest failure in life, is not trying at all.  Besides, I know for me, the most poignant moments in my life have involved failure and it has shaped who I am.    Going through life I have met a lot of people.  Those who tried, who had amazing stories of hardships, yet also seemed to be the most happy.  And those who didn't try, who live in a steady stream of self pity and bitterness.   Actually it wasn't even their successes in finances that made me view them so highly, it was their attitude.  It's taught me a lot.

 No matter our circumstances we all have a choice in life, to be the victim or the survivor.   For me for so long I saw myself as a victim.  I would rehash my life story and feel, why me?    As I went through each stage of catastrophe and wonderful people reminding me over and over that G-d wasn't allowing all of this to punish me, but to strengthen me.   He really has.  Not only so, but I feel He is redeeming me as well.

This week I got to go to Isaiah's field day!   Did I feel good going.  Nope.  In fact, I felt like every muscle in my neck and back were going to explode.  I was in so much pain, but I kept on seeing his sweet little face and remembering, this isn't about me.   G-d had a friend of mine call at just the right time to pick up Aria, so that I could just be there for Isaiah.   As much pain as I was in just sitting there, I was there.   I walked away a bit frustrated that I wasn't feeling better, but then quickly was reminded, but I WAS there. 

For me there is something about blogging my goals, it just makes it more final.  So, on to my next race;)  I am asking for prayers for courage to try foods and for energy to keep up with my family.  Food, the next frontier!  If you have any tips, feel free to share!   All I can encourage to those around me is, do it afraid!  So what if you fail, you just might have a great story to come out of it.   Either way, you win!   Well, watch, pray, believe, and be amazed!!   Here I go!
 

Beauty Will Rise!

Have you ever looked at a bird in cage?  I often wonder, do they like the security of being safe?  Or do they long for that door to open, even for a moment so they can do what they were meant to do, FLY!   After the past few years I think I know that answer.  It's to do what G-d intends for all of His beautiful creatures, to be free.

How do I know this, experience.  I was reminiscing these past few days where we were last year at this time.    We had just moved back from living with my In Laws as I was too sick to care for my little ones and myself.   I remember being excited and terrified all at the same time.  I was excited to be back home and to hopefully resume where we left off, yet terrified to know if I could pull it off.   I remember even just walking up and down the stairs was hard work.  Truly, I remember it all and it is actually so painful, I find it hard to speak and write about it even to this day.

Like me, the house was drab and empty.  Over the past few months it is slowly coming to life with color on the walls and color in my soul.   Really, I can't help but wonder if everyone's homes are a reflection of where they are in life.  Cluttered, muted tones, bright color, stream lined???  I don't know, I just wonder.

Since February I was encouraged by a couple of friends to go back to bible study.  I really wasn't sure I wanted to go back yet.  I kept on waiting for the right time, to be healthy, to look more put together.   Well, that right time wasn't really coming.  I came to realize that my health may not ever be that picture of what I had hoped for and that it was time to take a leap of faith.  Truly it was an act of G-d to get me there, and I am thankful that He gave me the ability to go.

It was a safe place.   I cried, shared my fears, and listened to others as they did the same.   I learned so much each time I went.  Everyone had their own battles to fight and yet we were all clinging to G-d's truth to help see us through.  Through sharing my struggles I was able to connect with others who shared in my pain.  It made me feel less alone, and yet what I loved most, is it wasn't a big giant gossip/pity fest.  Instead it was addressing our issues and then leaning on others as they encouraged each other to expose our hearts for healing.   Each word that was spoken was full of comfort, love, and hope. 

 A few of the women had encouraged me to step out and do what I used to do.  You have to understand that on a daily basis, I am behind in calories.  This means I pretty much have chronic fatigue.  On top of that, I battle pain in my gut and nausea that comes and goes when I least expect it.   I guess the best way to explain it is it's like living with a chronic stomach bug.  Some days are better than others, but it is always there.   So when they suggested to get out anyways, all I could think was "how?"  I constantly feel sick.   Truly if you look at me, I don't look sick (which is a HUGE blessing), so that complicates the matter.  Why?  I guess sometimes I think it's hard for others to understand how awful you feel when you look normal.  At the same time, I don't want to constantly be talking about how awful I feel, as that is just down right destructive.  Not only for me, but for those around me.   So, I have been searching to find that balance.

Again, it came back to starting the bible study, waiting for that perfect time to feel just right.   Guess what?  It doesn't really work that way.   So my mission was to set out and do things anyways.   So I have been starting out small.  Every day that the sun came out, I forced myself to take a walk.  First it was just walking a few houses away, then down the street, then around the block.   Just because you are skinny does not mean that you are in shape.  I was so out of shape that I would get leg cramps for walking even the smallest distance.  At first I babied myself.  That is until I realized that in order to make progress, it was going to have to hurt.  How's that for a life view;)  So with that my walks have increased.

With each walk I made sure to spend time observing G-d's beautiful creations.  I love spring as it is my favorite season seeing all of the blossoms blooming into cotton candy pinks, purples, and white's bursting everywhere!!   The golden daffodil's that look like bursts of sun and their neighbors the tulips and all of the multi colors.   The birds fluttering about and seeing each jarring movements of their little bodies and hearing their melodious songs being shared back and forth to each other.   Of course there is the occasional squirrels bouncing here and there with their gorgeous brown eyes and fluffy tails.  I have half a mind to try to pick one up like that of a Sleeping Beauty, if not for the knowledge the little critter would probably scratch my eyes out!  I half expected people to step out of their houses in unison singing beautiful songs as we all dance around like something out of a musical (oddly enough, I am not a Musical Movie watcher)! As we come out of the deadness of winter, beauty is rising everywhere and I can't get enough.  Life is returning to the earth and life is returning to my body.

I felt as though I was that bird sitting in the cage and with each walk, the door of my cage was slowly opening and I found my curiosity widening with each step I took.   It's amazing how much I had taken each simple opportunity before.  I used to whine about having to come up with a menu, go grocery shopping, doing laundry, you name it, I didn't want to do it.   I remember the ever dreaded dinner menu, OY!!   Now, I find a part of my soul just light up with each little task that crosses my path.   It's a joy.  Somehow what was once considered work, is now a representation of freedom.  How blessed I used to be to just throw together and eat a meal and not having to be afraid of it's repercussions.  Or just even the option of picking out whatever I decide and not having to wait on others to help me, oh I long for those days.

Aria and Isaiah both have been asking me to visit their schools for parties and now field trips.  I haven't been able to go and with each "No..." that I spoke, I saw their eyes drop down in dismay.  Aria had her last day of preschool and it broke my heart not to even have set foot in her class even one time this year.   I had to go, I felt it in my spirit, it was time!   I have learned long ago that I don't make promises.   I don't ever like to disappoint, so I try not to even go there.  On this day my friend came to pick up Aria as always.  I almost stopped and asked to her to take me along, but realized I needed to eat another mini meal before I could leave.   So I called Seth to bring home the van so that I could go.  I don't drive often, and if I do, I try to make sure another driver is with me.  It's not a legal thing, it's just I feel like I need to be safe in case of a sugar drop or whatnot.   But that day, I knew I had to get there.   So Seth brought me the van and I took him back to work.  On the way to the school I felt as though I was a 16 year old who had just gotten their license for the first time.  I road with the window down, hung my arm out of the window, and turned the music up just a little bit louder, and I felt FREE!!  I half didn't want to stop driving, I just wanted to keep on going and going but then I remember Aria's little face.  So to the school I drove.   I got there and felt a bit wobbly, but told myself to "suck it up!"  And in I went!   Aria's teacher's have been beyond compassionate with us this whole year.  When they saw me, their jaws about hit the floor.  I beamed with smiles with camera in hand I walked up to Aria.   She was completely oblivious to me, when I said "Aria."  She looked up at me with those steel blue eyes and dropped her toy into the sandbox and whispered "Mom, are you really here?"  Shoot, it could have been a scene out of a movie as both of our eyes met and began to water (cue stringed instruments crescendo!).   I got to give her a big hug and soon all of the other kids were a buzz.  Aria's best friend  came up and began to chatter right along side her.  They were both so eager to show of all that they do and I was ecstatic to soak in each treasure.   I even well up with tears each time I think about it, it was a gift of G-d to be able to share in that moment and I felt alive!

I could tell of so many other stories that happened that week, we went to see Joyce Meyer, and Seth took me on a surprise date (they never happened planned), and with each outing I felt like a butterfly coming out of a the cocoon.  At first their wings are crumpled and weak, but with each pulse of movement, their wings grow stronger and stronger.   That day Seth took me out to Holland and I couldn't stop smiling.  You know those dogs that stick their heads out of the window while the wind flaps their jowls?  I kind of felt like that!  Only instead of fur flying everywhere, it was my hair.   We didn't do much, but the colors outside that day were extraordinary, so vibrant and full of life, and it was contagious!!  We got to go to a couple of stores and just mosey around.  With each few minutes that went by Seth would check on me to see how I was doing.  Truly, I was beyond exhausted, but I just wanted to keep on flapping my wings and fly!  (weird analogy for being in a store, but you get my drift)    It was just the simple act of going out that brought life to my body.  I still didn't feel great physically, but the mental status changed my whole outlook.  Seth kept on looking at me and saying, "this is the Kelly I remember."  Funny thing is, I was starting to remember her too.   In fact, I can't wait to get reacquainted!

That weekend we had our last bible study.  The woman who was leading taught on doing things afraid.   Each word that she spoke echoed all that had been going through my mind these past few months and it really hit home.   G-d really does work in mysterious ways.  I have found He slips in reminders of which way to go when you really pay attention.  It's almost as if he sends out little cheerleaders to say "You are going the right way,  YAY YAY YAY!!"  Sorry, I couldn't resist, HA! 

Since then with my family I have gone to the library, the mall, 2 bike rides (and I didn't even fall off!), mowed a part of the lawn, weed wacked, planted flowers, went to a conference.....   It's been amazing.  Do I physically feel any better?  A little bit, but on most of those times I really had to push myself beyond my comfort zone.  I did it afraid.  I remember Seth saying to me one night, "You used to not be afraid of anything.  I see you speaking with others, so unsure of yourself.  That isn't you.  You need to show them who you are!  You used to be fearless, now you are afraid of everything!"  At first his words stung, but I quickly realized he had a point, a valid one indeed.   For so long now I have lost who I am.  First the kids passing away and then this chronic illness, I got lost on my own path.   I have heard so often people saying "You need to know who you are in Christ."  I never really got it, until now.   G-d didn't make me to be weak.  He didn't make me to be quiet and scared.   But in my weakness is when He has been able to show me His strength.  He has made me realize that he made me as my Grandpa used to call me "a firecracker."  Sure they look small and tiny but when you light them on fire, watch the sparks fly!  He made me to be a communicator and being in isolation has stifled that.  I am learning who He made me to be.

So you can imagine my sadness as yesterday I pushed myself too hard.  This past week I have had continuous tension headache and with that my muscles in my shoulder and back have really put me in severe pain.  I kept on going out and did things even in pain, hoping it would work itself out.  Not so much.  Last night as everyone was outside I had come to the realization that my body was wore out and the pain was too much.  I found tears rolling down my cheeks as I felt a bird who had just flown for days, retreating back to her cage.   I don't want to go back in,  I want to be free....   Seth later came in and saw me silently staring off into space.  He asked me what was wrong.   I shared that I was frustrated that I WANT to be the mowing the lawn, I wanted to stay outside not go in...    He shared with me that it always frustrates him when I have a good week and then I back track, almost as if to give us a taste of what was, but is so hard to maintain.   I found myself deep in thought thinking, no, I need these days.  These days give me hope to believe that better days are to come. 

I am blessed, today I woke up.  I remind myself to be thankful daily.  Even on the awful ones, I find even the smallest of things that someone else can't do.   I can walk.  So many people out there can't.  I can see, my Grandmother is blind.  I have loved ones all around me, cheering me on when I am down.  I have kids, when so many others can't even have one.   I have a husband who loves me, no matter how much of a hot mess I look.  I have a faith in G-d who holds the whole world in His hands.  I have hope that He sees me and has good things planned for me.  I have a savior that took my sins on to be His own.  I have G-d's Holy Spirit to lead me in this walk called life, to remind me of all that is good.  I have hope.  I am a prisoner of hope and there is no other place I'd rather be.   We aren't promised a life without trials, it is stated over and over in the bible.  In fact, we are made to go through those trials to refine us to ready us for something greater still not known.  

So even though today I may be back in the cage with the door shut, I know that it is not locked.   My time will come where I will be able to spread my wings whether it be for a few hours, days, weeks....   All that I know is that I have been given the promise that G-d gives us beauty for ashes, and out of these ashes Beauty Will Rise!

I know my healing is coming, maybe not yet in the form of what I want it to look like, but surely it is.  Your prayers are worth more to me than any amount of money.  I ask you not only to pray for healing for my family, but also for all of those out there who are struggling.  We all have our battles to fight and with someone by your side, it is much less lonely.  Your prayers matter and are priceless.  Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.