The Test

As most of you know, I have a very important test coming up this Thursday. It's called a Menomatry (spelling??). I haven't done much research on it so that I wouldn't let my nerves get the best of me. So far, I have done pretty good. That is until yesterday. I figured that I have to do the test anyway, so might as well make the best of it, right?? So Seth called to find out if he sit in the room with me and maybe watch a movie, listen to music, play cards, anything? We fully anticipated there being no issues, except maybe eating. Well, that's not the answer we got. Apparently, I am supposed to be on a liquid diet the day before (which I was never told). This here is an issue, this means my already dwindling calories are going to be affected. Not only that, but they'd rather I stay up all night, so that I can sleep through the majority of the test. The test starts at 7 AM. So that alone is going to be tough, since my sugar and protein levels go out of wack during the night. Okay, not fun, but what choice do I have? Then Seth informs me there is an 80/20% success rate. Ummm, what? Apparently, 20% of people gag and then throw up which ends the test right there. Did I mention we have to stay the night before in a hotel because of the 3 hour drive? So we could spend all that gas money and for the hotel and then be sent away? Already, I feel the anxiety rising. Well, it gets worse. I live in a silly world, because I thought they literally had me swallow the tube. Instead it is put in the way the ever dreaded Dub Hoff is, through the nose, down the throat, into the stomach, and to the small intestine. Okay, now I am really sweating. Then Seth also let's me know, they don't want me to be stimulated in any way possible, no music, not TV, no nothing, because they don't want any emotions I have to affect the test. All I can think is, if I have time on my hands, my mind goes places it shouldn't, therefore affecting all the emotions in my brain and then some!! Okay, so let's recap. Loss of calories day before, stay up all night, no food, and have to lay in silence for 9 hours with tube up my nose and such and such. Not good! Alright, so it'll be a long day. Seth enters, "I'm not done yet." What else? At 6 hours through the test they want me to take a dose of E.mycin (which has made me extremely sick) and then eat a bowl of cream soup, a deep fried fish or chicken plank, and then a muscle milk. I looked at Seth like he is insane. I burst out before he could finish "THAT'S GOING TO CAUSE A FLARE UP!" Now, I have had flare ups through out all of this, but I have learned to eat small amounts. This reduces how long a possible flare up could last. He then further informed me, they want me to eat all of this food in 15 minutes. It takes me 15 minutes to eat a small bowl of yogurt. Seth haggled with the guy to allow a bread stick with butter, since he knows I don't dare try deep fried food. The kind of flare up this will cause is that of my top two. The kind of pain that stems from these are that of what I think hell might feel like. I am terrified. To eat that quantity of food with that high amount of fat, it's insane! Had they done this test when I was 20 pounds or even 10 pounds heavier would have been difficult, but at least I had weight to hold my own. Being as low as I am at and then not being able to eat normally for 3-4 days, could potentially bring me down quickly. I am at a cross roads of knowing what to do. Yes, the test could help us see what is going on, especially to see what happens during a flare up. Yet, I can't see how I am going to lie still through all of this knowing what is coming. Then Seth goes on again (seriously what more?) then he said they'll monitor me for another 3-5 hours. I guess what we thought would be a 9 hour test, will probably be more along the lines of 11. I really don't want to do this. This seems crazy and all and all, it won't change a whole lot, from what has been explained to me. Oddly enough I have been waiting for a test like this months ago, but with my weight so low, I am afraid this will induce a hospital stay and possibly bump up things with the J tube. I have been trying to hold my own with eating and trying to avoid the J tube. So here's what I am asking for. Oddly enough, I am praying this test comes back normal. I have been praying for a miracle all along and I am praying that some how all will be normal and maybe my healing will have already begun. I am also asking for prayers for G-d's peace to over come this anxiety. Also, that I wouldn't have a flare up and that things would go normally without any issues. I realize the chances of this happening are unlikely, but I believe with G-d, anything is possible. I am praying He will intervene in a huge way and some how everything will turn out better than expected. To some of you, this may not seem like a big deal. For me, this is truly facing a demon head on. No food, quietness and not being able to move, and facing a huge amount of pain. We are going to find out if they can at least help with pain meds, but I don't know really that they can. I am also praying I won't need to be hospitalized after all of this. If I have a flare up, I then have to go to a clear liquid diet for at least 24-48 hours. I need food and that also could really cause huge issues. Not only will we be 3 hours away from our kids, but also it's Easter weekend, which is really big to us. I really want to be with everyone and not layed up in bed. I know there is someone who is posting who has been through this, if you have any input on this, I'd love to hear it. I keep on praying this won't be as hard as it seems. We are supposed to leave on Wed. night and the test is Thursday. I am quite up in arms about it and am trying hard to be brave. I want to get better, and I just keep on praying that G-d has already begun the process of healing and maybe I just don't know it yet. He moves in mysterious ways and I know that He is capable of so much, and I am clinging to that hope. I really need prayers on my behalf, my mind is all over the place. I want so much to be calm and peaceful and trust that this is all for my good, but G-d knows how he made me and I get squirrelly when I am nervous. I was reading and talking with Aria a few nights ago. We were doing a bible story. I guess it was about that people who are sick go to heaven and aren't sick anymore. She thoughtfully says to me "Mom, do you remember the last time I got sick?" "Yes," I replied with bewilderment in my voice. "Well I got sick and I didn't go to Heaven?" I sat there stunned. I didn't know what to say. How on earth does a 3 year old piece that together?? I then explained to her the different types of being sick and then went on to explain how wonderful Heaven is. I was thankful for the opportunity to talk to her about this. Having children has allowed me to really mull over what it is that I really believe and help set a foundation of what they will believe for the rest of their lives. I only pray that the words I said comforted her. Well anyways, I am in a hurry today, so I am sure I have sentences and words missing;) Please keep me in your prayers, I really need them. I pray that a huge miracle will be revealed and that my weight will increase and some how one day I look back on this time as a time of great struggle, but a huge reconnection with my Lord and what He has promised me. In all of this, as great as my suffering has been, as scarey as all of this has been, He has extended His hand to me in so many ways. Through people, through sunny days, through giggles in my children's voices, His hand is there. Even in His silence, I cling to Him, begging, crying, sometimes shouting for Him to make it all better. My G-d is Mighty to save, and I pray He gives me the endurance and the confidence that I need to make it through this valley of the shadow of death. I should fear no evil, because His rod and staff will comfort me. I pray that He'll open the eyes of my heart and see Him in a new light, especially sooner than later. O Lord, how long? I know you are close to the broken hearted and that is where my heart is right now. Rescue me, my G-d! Watch, Pray, Believe, and be Amazed. We try to keep more updates throughout this for the added support that we need. We may even update of Facebook. May the Lord bless you.