Small Goals

I know I have been MIA for a while, so I'll give a quick update. We still do not have the results to the testing. During a flare up that I had last week (we were supposed to move back home, but this set us back) we spoke with the office. We know that the ultrasound came back normal, which we expected. Still we are happy about that none the less. As for the M., we asked about it, but were unable to understand what it meant, so we are going to wait for the doctor to explain. I have learned if I don't understand what something means, I tend to get obsessive and full of anxiety, so why go there? While I had a set back last week, probably due to stress, they are ordering another botox injection on May 4th. I am praying that I won't need to do this. It works, don't get me wrong, but the more you use it, the less effective it is. So I am praying that G-d will grant me the coping skills that I need, to hold out as long as possible. The other issue is if insurance will cover it. I have been dealing with medical bills and this has been a huge stress. Working with 4 different hospitals has not made the process any easier. Thankfully one hospital is allowing small payments, but the other 3 have been a horse of a different color. I have applied for all of the financial aid that I can. Again, like in the past, we are just barely over qualified. It's frustrating, since we pay taxes and do our part in being honest, and still no help. I am trying to get things consolidated through 2 hospitals, because of getting so many singular small bills. Each bill has to be paid on it's own and must be a minimum of $35, times that by the 10-15 that we have received (more on the way) and it adds up. Plus there are the big visits of 3 hospital stays that were 5 days each and well, you get the picture. Let's just say, I know where the flare up came from. It's hard looking through the bills and seeing that I owe doctors I don't even remember seeing. I have no way of verifying that I even saw them, but I still have to pay? Then I remind myself, thank G-d we have health care, as messed up as it is. If I were in some 3rd world country, I wouldn't even be here right now. I keep on thinking of the verses in Matthew about not worrying. Having GP is forcing me to let go of anxiety and stress. I have learned a good chunk of my flare ups are do to stress and anxiety. I feel G-d is having me do an about face, on what really matters. Some days, I have every right to complain. On most, I really don't. I am also being forced to simply all that I want to do. In world where fast paced, is the norm. I can't. I don't have the ability to multitask anymore and maybe that's not such a bad thing. My earliest memories involve the worry of being late or not being good enough. Now, I have to go at a pace that I don't necessarily want to do, but it's the way that it is. So while we are waiting to move back home, we are purging our house of unnecessary clutter. We have so many projects that our old house needs, but due to all that is going on, we'll have to wait. In the meantime, we can get rid of things that we aren't using. It's hard because I always find myself wanting to hold on to something "just in case." Well all of that stuff has collected and is just sitting there, when someone else could be using it. I am going through all of my pre-gastroparesis clothes. I have been trying to figure out if I should save them "just in case" it goes away, but really, I think it's better if I get it out of there and give it to someone who really could use it. I am also taking baby steps in trying new foods. I am so stuck in a rut of eating the same thing and it's only making me more resentful. So, lots of little goals are set. In the meantime, I was finally able to make it to our church for the first time since July. It was hard for me to get around, since my energy level is pretty low, but still wonderful. I got to run into many familiar faces and that cheered me up. I did have a couple of people, who I don't know as well, who thought since I was back at church, everything was okay. I am struggling on how to explain this. I have a condition that is like a roller coaster, you just never know where you are going to peak and be happy and full of giggles or when you just might bottom out and get whip lash. I found myself getting flustered trying to explain that being at church was a big step, but that I have a long ways to go. Their faces seemed to fall and they appeared confused. I wish it was as simple as how you see me, is how I really am. Let's face it, we all have a bit of a telephone personality in us. We may not be feeling the best and yet when you answer the phone or go out in public, you smile and be as chipper as you can. I have had a couple of people say, "but you don't look bad." While I appreciate the compliment, there's a lot more to the picture than I let on (unless I really know you, then you get the full disclosure). I have sat at home for so many months in the hopes that this would pass. I haven't wanted people to come and see me looking down and dumpy. I have come to realize I have to let this go. Right now, I have an illness. I am hoping it will go away, but hiding isn't living. So on the days I can, I am getting dressed and even trying to put my make up on (Yes, you can clap!) and even attempting to go out on short outings. Even though my outing might consist of just riding to store in the car or sitting in the car while the kids play at the park, at least I feel a little more included. This weekend we went to the end of the street (which is like 8 houses away) to a church parking lot so that the kids could practice riding their bikes. I wanted to go, but knew I couldn't walk that far. So my sweet Seth loaded us all into the van and drove us. It was such a small drive, I felt really silly, but I got to watch them ride around. Actually I even got in some good laugh therapy watching Seth trying to assist Isaiah to ride without his training wheels on. I just sat in the car and laughed while Seth ran back and forth holding on to the back of I's bike and then Isaiah is screaming like he's falling of of a cliff, hilarious! Let's just say, Seth slept great that night. Aria bursts into tears time to time, fearing that I am going to the hospital. I didn't realize it bothered her so much, till one day when I was just going into the other room and she started cry. So we are trying to come up with ways of being truthful about all that is going on, without causing them undue worry. I still keep on praying that G-d will heal me from this and hoping that my tests come back normal. I have a long road ahead of me. Yet, I can't help but be amazed at each day that goes by, how blessed I really am. I am hoping I'll be able to drive again soon. That's a big goal I'd really like to conquer. My biggest goal, is trusting G-d. Everyone knows the bible verse, "For I know the plans I have for you...." I keep on trying to remind myself of this, to keep seeking Him. We were reading in our study last night about how Moses and G-d would talk face to face. Whether that was literal or not, I don't know, but I love the visual of it. I want that. I want to be that close to Him, that I could truly trust and believe and not panic, because He is there. I guess I have got a lot of growing to do and thankfully the Lord has the patience for me, even though I don't. So any hoo, I guess this post was a lot longer than I guessed. I will be sure to post when we do go home. I am flinging my pride out the window and already admitting, we are going to need a lot of support. A friend of mine had this tree idea, I guess it's where we can list our needs and then you can pick where you'd like to help. I am so thankful for all of you and your much appreciated prayers. Please continue to lift up our whole family (kids, hubby, and parents!) in prayer, especially for healing, peace, courage, and endurance. Frankly, we need it for our whole family. May the Lord bless you, and keep you, may his face shine upon you, and grant you peace.