Precious Trial

I decided to take a much needed rest over the weekend after all that went on. Where to begin?? We were thankful that we were able to drive in beautiful weather. I never really thought of the drive across MI as scenic, but it really was. I have been watching how beautiful light is as it shines through the leaves of the trees. Not to mention the beautiful melodies of little birds everywhere, singing their tiny hearts out. We were able to stay at a pretty basic place called the Microtel. It's name says it all, but it gave us what we needed to prepare for the test. I tried to stay up all night, but due to the lack of food, my body demanded some rest. Morning came before we knew it. Seth tapped me on the back and said it was time to get up and go. I had figured I was going to stay up all night and have a Beth Moore athon, or read a pile of books, and especially time to pray. I didn't. I did get to listen to some soothing praise music and I feel that G-d knew where my heart was. I thought I was going to be a ball of nerves, but I didn't. As most of you know, calmness is not my thing. All I can say, is our prayers were answered. It was as if G-d had put a umbrella over me. The rain still poured, but not a drop of distress was on me on that day. Thank you for your prayers. I hope those of you really know how much prayer really helps. We even had a dear friend fast for me, my heart wept with appreciation. G-d answered. To say the test went with ease, I would be lying. That's what made me recognize the peace all the more. We went in at 7 AM and they took me back right away. I saw the chair and to the right was the tube all coiled up. I made sure to look away, what would be the point in freaking myself out? Either way, it was going down. I figured they were going to have me gown up and have all this hoopla to do, but that wasn't the case. Instead he just sprayed some stuff in my throat and proceeded to put the tube down my throat. It was that fast, I didn't have any time to think (which the good Lord knows is better). I just kept on thinking, swallow, swallow, swallow. We got it down in less than a minute. The guy just stepped back in amazement and said "it never goes that well." All I could think was, Praise G-d! I thought that was the end up it, but then I was ushered into the another room, leaving Seth behind. Basically it was the Floriscan room (sp??). There the man (Jason) spoke to a woman and they conversed back and forth. They then explained they needed to guide the tube down to my small intestine. To do this, they needed to take xrays and make sure it was going where it needed to. This is where things went off course. For over and hour and a half they kept on pushing and pulling the tube up and down. They were talking to each other and giving readings of how far the tube was in. I found out later, the tube was over 150 centimeters long! Meanwhile, they are having me on my side, my stomach, my back, the table went up and down, and well, you get the picture. All the while they are pulling the tube in and out. I ended up throwing up several times in which I was worried they were going to call it off and send me home. Thankfully they didn't. All the while, I prayed and didn't say a word. I thought if I complain, they may just send me home and make me come back on another day. I just did what they told me to do. They then brought in another man and he ended up pressing on my stomach over and over while I had to cough and make weird machine gun noises. They were all apologizing and I noticed something wasn't right (I am a bright one, that I am) by the way they were acting. Finally they explained to me that they couldn't get the tube past my pyloric sphincter which is just below the stomach. The same muscle that has been giving me all these problems in the first place (also where the botox was injected) and I couldn't help but wonder if the doctor will catch on to this. They said it was due to how small I am and that the tube kept on curling and wouldn't budge. I didn't say a word. I just kept on praying they would get it placed. Finally 1 1/2 went by and Jason abruptly left the room saying "I'm calling Samantha now!" By then my throat and stomach were quite sore from all the commotion and I just prayed it all be over soon. Seconds later they informed me that they were going to have to scope the tube down and do it that way. Looking back, all I can say again, the peace of G-d was ever present, because the usual me would go all wacky doodle. They took me up to the EGD prep area, where I had gotten my botox before and I waited. I asked for them to bring Seth to sit with me and they allowed it. Not too long later they took me back. Jason explained what needed to happen with the tube. They now had string on it every few inches so that the camera could guide it down. The EGD doctor just said "what am I supposed to do again?" I just sat there dumbfounded. They couldn't give me the usual meds that you would normally get (twilight sedation) because it would interfere with the study, so no happy drugs for me. I'll just skip to the next part. I woke up with a tape beard so tight, I could hardly move my mouth. I felt the tube all coiled up in the back of my throat and every time I swallowed it felt like I was swallowing glass. I was in a tiny room and Jason and Seth were talking. Jason told me to try and sleep. I did feel a tinge of me that wanted to panic. I felt claustrophobic, but reminded myself how important this test is. I woke up on and off and I'll spare you the details of all that went on. The eating portion came and the dread hit me. I quickly realized this was going to be even harder than I thought, how was I going to swallow with this tube in my throat? They said it wouldn't be a problem, but I have to tell you, our bodies are pretty smart. Mine apparently wanted to protect me from choking, because I could hardly swallow anything. I didn't know how to. That part I am pretty bummed about. I wish I would have crammed more in there, but 15 minutes is not a lot of time for someone who eats slow to begin with. I wish I could describe the machine, but it kind of reminded me of an EKG machine with lots of tube coming from my mouth and out to this thing that prints each movement. There were 6 lines and both Seth and I noticed, 3 were hardly moving. Seth tried to get more info from the men, but they wouldn't explain a thing. At 8 PM the test was finally over. I could hardly stand the confinement anymore. Seth and Jason had both left the room and I proceed to pathetically yell for them. As best as a person with their face taped up and tube coming out of their mouth, in other words, I could hardly make a noise. I finally tried to hit the wall, there was no call button. Jason popped his head in and asked me what I wanted. I pointed at the clock and he just smiled and said "uh uh, you have a few more minutes!" I later found out they were watching golf. Oh well, they were all very kind, so I can't complain. Jason and the other man kept on telling Seth how awesome I was doing. I just figured they say that to everyone. Later Seth informed me of all the crazy things they have seen because people freak out really bad during this test. By the grace of G-d, is all I can say. I left feeling relieved that it was over. We don't know when we'll get the results back. Our next appt is at the end of May and we suspect we won't find out until then. I was going to push for a nurse to tell me sooner, but something inside me says it's better to wait. I am praying the results will show that there is more motility there than we think. We still don't know all that will be found out by this, except that this will also help us know if I can have a J tube. I keep on praying that G-d will heal me before I need any of that, but if that is what has to happen to get me better, than I will do it. We left the hospital in good spirits. We had amazing caretakers who were so compassionate. I really felt your prayers were heard because even though things didn't go as planned, the peace of G-d was on me and boy was I grateful. I quickly realized a 3 hour car trip was not in the books for me, so I begged Seth to let us stay. Reluctantly, he agreed. It was dark out and he was pretty tired as well. When we got back to the hotel, I asked him what he thought about trying to get in for the ultrasound so we didn't have to come back next Tuesday. We both figured it was a long shot, but said a prayer. You would have figured after all the rest I had done, I wouldn't have been able to sleep anymore, but I wiped out. Before I knew it, I woke up to Seth tapping me on the back. "Get up! We gotta go! They got us in at 9 AM!" I sat up straight and ran to the bathroom. He later explained that normally they see patients at a different facility and just happened to be there on this day. Thank You LORD!!! I am so glad we got to do this because the ultrasound lasted only 1/2 hour. While the tech was working on my belly my stomached growled so loud he jumped. I giggled and said "I'm hungry." He asked what test I had done the day before and I told him a 9 hour monom. and he shuttered. I would have to say that is one of the hardest tests I have ever had to do. I know there is worse out there, so I can't complain. I did come out of there with 3 thoughts. G-d is real, prayers do help, and I am tougher than I thought I was. I think people with chronic illnesses don't get the credit they deserve. So often you are told, "just live with it." You hear the people complain and assume they are wimpy or just need to suck it up, that is until, you are that person. I don't care if you have a cold, a broken arm, recovery from surgery, or a chronic illness, pain is pain, and it hurts. I learned about having compassion from an emotional level with having the kids pass away. With having this, I am learning to have compassion from a physical stand point. It's been a very hard lesson that is deeply ingrained into my soul. Don't judge someone and assume what you think they should do, because one day that could be you, and you probably won't handle it the way you think you would. That is what I have learned and I have learned it in a way that I pray will go away. I felt pretty good after we left, but over the weekend I have been struggling. I am trying to remind myself that G-d showed up and He can do even bigger things, I just need to be patient and pray and pray that He heals me. I have heard lots of things of what to expect or not to expect from G-d. Some say that He is going to do what He is going to do, that prayers really don't need to be said. For me, I believe that praying has been a huge piece of the puzzle in my life. I don't know what future He has in store for me. Some days I feel His presence dancing all around me and some days, I feel as though I am out in the desert thirsting for even a simple word, but I can tell you this, I still believe. I am thankful for days like those. Here was a day of pure hell for me, and it was, but He made it bearable, how cool is that?? You might think, but you don't know my story. I won't pretend that I do. All I can tell you is my story. We all have stories with traumatic events, some more than others. I have buried 2 of my children and stand in front of their graves from time to time. We have a plot right next to theirs and I'd be lying to you if I told you that I am not afraid. On the hard days, I wonder if my name will soon be up next to theirs. I'd like to say I am not afraid of dying, but I am. On Thursday G-d reminded me not to be so scared. It never fails that ever such an amazing event, that stinky devil sneaks up and quickly tries to point out every reason why I should be afraid. This is why I ask for prayers all the time. Not only for healing, but for the ability to endure with grace in this battle. I have lost it on several occasions in front of the kids. On Saturday I was crying because I was so hungry. Isaiah said "Mommy, I know you miss eating, but you can still celebrate with us." It's hard to know that they see me hurting. So many of my loved ones are going through so much. I have a friend whose sister and son are fighting for their lives, both so young. I have a friend that used to be Elijah's nurse who used to tend to our little baby and even came in early to work on the day he died to be with us. She carried his little body on a pillow down to the morgue with a Winnie the Pooh blanket covering him. She just found out her 10 month old has a brain tumor. This is their only baby. I also have a friend of ours who beat cancer, but is dealing with effects of the ugly battle. I could go on and on. Still in all this suffering, I see the Lord stretching out His mighty hand as people reach out to help those in need. I don't know why we have to go through all of this. We all can think up our own reasons, but in the end, we don't really know. All I know is I first hand have seen miracles. Aurora wasn't supposed to live one minute. She live 90. Elijah wasn't supposed to breathe but a few hours, if that. He lived close to 6 1/2 months. In less than a week, it'll be 7 years ago that Eli left this world, it's a lot for me to take in. Those days remind me of how blessed we are, even though the knife cut deep and the wound is there, I am better for it. I pray that this will be the case for my health, that healing will come, even while I wait. So I ask for your precious prayers for me and my family, for all of those out there that are suffering. I ask for prayers of healing, peace, endurance, and faith to hold on to seeing the unseen. I am alive today and that just amazes me. Glory to G-d in the highest, for He is worthy to be praised. Watch, Pray, Believe, and be Amazed.