Submit

I am tempted to write about all of the things that are going on, both good and bad. Instead I feel the Lord nudging me to just talk about the good today, so here it is. We enjoyed a 3 day weekend, two weeks in a row. We just stuck around the house and did nothing. We let the house go, the laundry go, and just enjoyed being with each other. My energy is not where it should be, so we decided to just take it easy. It was wonderful. While we missed our family and friends and all that jazz, we got to bond as family and it was truly beyond special. Praise the Lord, the botox is still working. G-d has been faithful and has given me courage to begin to try new foods. According to the GI specialist, this will only be able to work for a short amount of time, so I need to look at this as a "get out of jail free" card, and eat as much as I can. I am hoping that he is wrong and that G-d is working through the botox to train my body to behave like it should. So in the meantime, I still have to watch what I eat and eat small amounts, but the Lord gave me the courage just to go for it. I tried hummus, which did not like me. But it was okay, I tried it and that was all that mattered. I did find out I can eat small amounts of boxed Spanish rice on a tortilla with low fat cheese. The one that I am thrilled about was Olive Garden's Chicken and Gnocchi soup!! I had a craving and before I could say two more words about it, Seth ran out and got it. One bowl can last me four meals. It's not much in the way of calories, but the FLAVOR!!! I cried and then I praise G-d for His mercy. To boot, I chopped up their bread sticks and let it soak up and turn to mush. I still have to have things mushy, but I don't care if it tastes good:) I have found satan trying to steal all my moments of joy with thoughts of, you are going to pay for this later, or wait till the botox wears off, etc... I keep on feeling G-d saying, just live in the moment, don't worry about tomorrow, and enjoy each good thing that you encounter and praise Me. I finding I have a stronghold of worry of the future and I am desperately praying to G-d to help me to stop doing this. Each moment I try to do this (some last longer than others) I try to resubmit myself back to G-d. A false sense of control has damaged much of my past, and I long to let this go for the future. So, I am slow. Turtles pass me by, but it doesn't matter. I have a G-d that is restoring me, a savior that is covering me, family and friends that love me and my family. While I am not where I wish I was, I am here and I am taking each moment as it comes. G-d has been showing me over and over, that this life is not my own. It doesn't matter how the world views me, it is only His thoughts that matter. We are recognizing how important it is to teach out kids about living their lives for G-d and not just because it is what we are supposed to do. I don't think I fully have soaked in the sweetness of each time they memorize a bible verse for Awana, or pray at night, until now. I found myself so often just doing things out of obligation, not because I really enjoyed doing it. G-d wants me to cherish each thing that he has blessed me with and sloooooooowwww down. Well, I am slow alright. Maybe for right now, that's a good thing. I have learned to see people with my hair looking like a bird's nest, no makeup on with my skin all broke out, me sobbing in sheer frustration. I was shocked to see, they didn't care. My dear sweet friends and family just sat with me and have prayed with me, and love me in spite of me looking a mess. I am still in awe. We have had friends send us money to help us pay for the holistic doctor, my garbage bill payed, our lawn raked, meals sent over, presents for Christmas, visits in the hospital, and messages of support on the computer. While I am thankful for each of these individuals, in showing such love, I have learned, none of this would have been possible without G-d. As much as I have been suffering, G-d showed His kindness in ways to aid our tired and stressed family through family and friends. It was G-d. Isn't it odd how we know all of this, but in the midst of the storms, we so easily panic and begin to sink. I have hit bottom several times. As painful as all of this is, and I pray it never returns the way it was, G-d is still good. In fact, He is magnificent. While my timing doesn't seem to be His timing, I need to rejoice in all good things, no matter the size. I have been hesitant to post good things for fear of putting my foot in my mouth. I didn't want to say all this wonderful stuff and then the next day, have a tough day, and then cry out "Lord where are you?" I didn't want to look like a hypocrite. But guess what? That's what we do. I don't have it all figured out and I never will and that is okay. He deserves praise and credit in each emotion. We were praying with the kids last night and I was sitting on the floor when Isaiah stood up and cupped my face in his hands and just looked at me with sheer love. His face looked angelic. It seemed like time stood still when he said "I love you so much Mommy." He then stroked my hair while standing as close to me as he could. He has never done this. I was having a really tough day yesterday and it just melted my heart. While I still pray for complete miraculous healing, in my suffering I am learning how important G-d and Jesus really are. I am learning how necessary it is to show my gratitude, how compassion and love can change a bad day into a good one. Sometimes something as simple as a message can uplift my whole day. I am appreciating people in a way that I haven't in years. I never realized how many people really love me and my family. That means so much. All my life we have moved around so much and I never really had that deep sense of belonging, until now. I am longing for G-d's joy and peace. So while turtles pass me by, I am enjoying my kids in a way I haven't, hugging people a little longer, praying for others who are struggling with their own pain, and really trying to think, what does G-d want me to do at this very moment. A lot of times it's just silence. I am chatter box, so this drives me batty, but I guess it's what He deems best. As I am doing this bible study about David, I am finding he was a mess too. It was his faithfulness and true heart for G-d that captured G-d's own heart. I hope some day I can do that too. I so want Him to be pleased with me and that is something I think He is addressing. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that G-d is a G-d of great miracles and He deserves praise in my anger, my tears, my joy, my loneliness, my triumphs, my peace, my sorrow, He is still worthy to be praised. I can't imagine sacrificing my one and only pure child for a bunch of sinners, yet he sent Jesus. I still just can't wrap my mind around this. He is loving and kind in all of His ways. While it is no Mayo clinic, we do have an appt. with U of M on January 23rd regarding what to do next. I really don't want to go. I'd rather continue this through Dale, but we also need to have our foot in the door. There is still so much that hasn't been figured out (although at this point I am trying to let some of it go as long as I can do things normally). I am still unable to drive and so I'd live to get my body going the way it's supposed to at 32 years of age. I truly believe what sent me to the hospital was lack of nutrition, and we have some other ideas as well. We have found with certain doctors don't have an answer they put it back on me. I feel G-d is rising a confidence level in me to trust that I know my body and to not always rely on doctors 100% knowing everything (which hello, they are only human, maybe super smart, but human). So as always I am asking for healing from gastroparesis, my blood pressure to return to a normal level, energy!, courage, and to exceed my calories and get some meat on my bones. I am also asking for prayers for Seth for good health and rest. The kids as well. They have been exhibiting signs of stress in there bodies and I am praying for their well being as well. I asking prayer that G-d would show Himself in a supernatural way that we could only say, that's G-d. Your prayers and support are worth more than gold. Thank you for letting me into your homes, into your lives, and into your hearts. Please forgive me if I forget to respond to any messages, my memory still hasn't caught up yet. Oh Lord, thank you, thank you. Watch, Praise, Believe, and be Amazed.