In All Things

It's been a hectic week. As many of you already know, on Monday I had to be admitted to the hospital. We went to to our very anticipated Naturapath appt. I have been anticipating this and was so excited. We got there on time and happily waited to seen. Dale and Mary came out and I felt so relaxed to be there and finally here what their suggestions might be. We sat down to warm smiles and Dale began to speak when all of the sudden I felt a surge of heat come over me. It was so intense that I wanted to rip my shirt off and seriously almost went through with it. I saw everyone sitting around me and desperately wanted to tell them what was happening, but no words were able to come out. Dale and Mary saw me right away and probably figured out what was going on before I did. It seemed like forever, yet it was probably but a second. I started to feel the life force drain out of me, almost like gravity was pulling me down and my body went limp. Everyone jumped to their feet and immediately got me to the floor and put my legs up. I couldn't comprehend anything and on top of that I began to dry heave and shake violently. I looked everywhere to see if angels were coming to take me home. I am not even being dramatic, I really thought it was my time and didn't know what was happening. They gave me water and maple syrup, assuming it might be a low blood sugar, but it still did nothing. I actually ended up throwing up, which I haven't been able to do since June 23rd on the onset of the gastroparesis. They ended up calling 911 and I waited in their arms while everyone quietly whispered assuring words to calm me. Everyone was having a hard time even getting a pulse but I felt like my heart was going to explode. It was to say the least, terrifying. They ambulance finally got there, I haven't ridden in one since the day Elijah died. I just remember looking out the window and seeing Seth's face covered in fear as they closed the door. I ended up with a trainee who was trying to get my vein, which is hard for even a seasoned veteran to get. I just remember the EMT saying go ahead and pass out, it's a better place to be, and I shut my eyes. We finally got to the ER only to find, they had no record of me supposed to be coming in, so there wasn't a room. So out in hall they proceeded to check me out. I could go on and on about the details of everything, but it'd take a novel. They assumed because I have anxiety, it would be an anxiety attack. The nurse on duty was pretty rude and basically tried to shame me into wasting their time. I sat there in shock. I prayed for G-d to help us. They weren't addressing my chest pains, my head dizziness, nothing. Finally I just prayed for G-d to help me say the right thing when the doctor came in. Sure enough, what seemed like hours later, he walked in and I believe G-d gave me the words to say. I explained I am a germaphobe and the last place I'd ever want to be, is in a hospital. I have anxiety, but I know what the attacks feel like, plus I have medication that I have with me to combat that. I then went on to list my symptoms, the dizziness, memory fog, the loss of coordination in my whole body, excessive thirst, chest pain, head ache, a dry mouth, eyes, and even a feeling in my brain of feeling dried out. I am sure I am forgetting the other stuff, but I figured say my piece and at least I tried. I refused pain medication to prove I wasn't there for the drugs. He sat there and didn't seem to have a reaction and said he needed time to think. He then walked out and I had figured I had ordered hours of solitary confinement for annoying him. Thankfully we ended up with a different nurse who very understanding and really seemed to take me seriously. After a while later, the doctor came back in excited. He said he literally had goosebumps and said I should send him a Christmas card, that I probably had something called Diabetes Insepsis. He said it was rare, but that we could get me admitted and have testing done. I didn't know how to respond but agreed, maybe someone could get down to the bottom of this. Just when I thought we were done with all the drama, they informed me the hospital was full and that I'd need to be transferred to another hospital by ambulance. At this point, I figured, 2 ambulance rides in one day, why not? If it meant getting help, so be it. I had two very nice EMT riders who were calm, cool, and collected (so this ride was a bit more assuring) so I just layed back and prayed. I got admitted close to 11 or 12 at night, so the floor was quiet. I felt dazed and just did whatever they told me to. My body felt like someone had stepped on the gas but didn't release the parking brake. Seth had to go transfer the kids from his aunts house to his parents house, so he was gone quite a while. I felt like a little child sitting there with their eyes wide with fear and no way out. Thankfully the attending internalist came in and was saw how terrified I was, and was so light hearted. He made some jokes and seemed at ease and that put me at ease. He explained all the specialists they were going to call in and that I was going to have to sit tight. I was hoping the GI specialist would be beneficial, but of all the specialist that should have jumped to the plate to help, he was the least helpful. He barely came in for a few minutes and just blamed it on the botox and said I was lactose intolerant (which is what I live off of) and walked out. Seth and I stared at each other in disbelief. We then me with the nephrologist, endocrinologist, and internal medicine. Each of these specialist, I thought, did a exceptional job. They were polite, thorough, and really seemed to listen to everything that was going on. They took blood, blood, and more blood. The phlebotomists were all doing their darnest to get me on the first poke, but said that my veins were calcified, so it's was draining to say the least (no pun intended). At one point they drew my blood every half hour for and hour and a half. I seriously was perpexed how they were going to leave any left for me, when I am already anemic. They did so many tests that I don't even remember them all. The one that was the hardest for me to do was the MRI. I did refuse contrast, due to past experiences, but this one really freaked me out. I have been having head pain for years and have put this test off to being afraid of the test itself and the results. I finally agreed to do it, due to Seth's persistence of leaving no stone left unturned. Again, I had great staff to soothe me through the test itself (I am terribly claustrophobic) and it went off much easier than I had anticipated. The entire time I was in the machine, I prayed for our dear friends who are going through even more than us. In my mind I just cried out to G-d for mercy, nothing more, nothing less. Seth had to go home that night. The kids had come up to see me and it ended up scaring Aria more than helping. So Seth had gone home to give them some normalcy. I could barely sleep or think. I tried to sit back and relax, watch some TV, but I just couldn't. All I could think about was what I hadn't done with the kids. On Monday Aria fell asleep at Seth's Aunt's house before we left. I didn't want to wake her, so I never hugged her goodbye. All I could think about is not spending enough quality time with them. They always ask to play or go here or there, but especially with all this going on, I haven't been able to do much. They are 3 and 5. I don't remember much when I was those ages, how would Aria even remember me? They'd never know how much I wanted them. How their lives helped heal our broken hearts. I never realized how much I missed their constant chattering or them needing me, till I was all alone. I missed doing Aria's hair and Isaiah asking me what type of dinosaur I was going to be today, everything, I missed everything. Thankfully, I was blessed enough to have visitors at just the right time, to help me through. I thank G-d for those people, the Lord knew I needed them there. All the while, weirdly thankful, each specialist came in to say, that they couldn't find anything. With each elimination of diagnosis's we felt better, yet more perplexed. I felt very validated that they too, agreed that something is wrong. Except for the GI doc, I think all of them urged us to go to Mayo. The dietician even came in to try to assist me and was absolutely stumped at what to eat. Being at the hospital you'd think they'd have the right food available for me to eat. I had really one thing that I could eat, chicken noodle soup. She was so frustrated for me and really tried hard to pull a rabbit out of her hat, but nothing. To make things worse, the GI put a restriction on my lactose intake, so that narrowed everything down. I do have to say, out of all this mess, in my opinion, the botox is working. I am praying it will continue to work, since it is only a temporary thing. The food can still get stuck, but things move through easier. At the hospital, I barely cleared calories. They didn't seem concerned that I am still losing more weight. My arms and legs are almost always freezing, so I was under a pile of 10 blankets at a time. When I finally addressed it, they suggetion the feeding tube. My heart sank. Mayo finally called back and they told us there is nothing more they can do on the gastroparesis end. They didn't have the records from my hospital stay, so they weren't aware of all that was going on. We are in the process of getting that submitted, but it doesn't look promising. The best GI specialist in the US can't help me. We did ask about seeing a cardiologist, but they said we have to get referred out. The whole thing is puzzling and I have talked a lot to G-d about it. I don't understand why this is all happening or what I am supposed to do. How on earth did all of this happen so fast, with so little answers. So many questions and little answers. They finally discharged me. They knew I wasn't eating enough and felt I'd do better at home. So back to Seth's parents we go. I am not allowed to drive or be left alone anymore. The spells or whatever you call them come on without notice. Praise the Lord, I slept wonderfully last night and boy did I need it. I am now focusing on eating and spending time with the ones I love. I am still holding onto hope for a miracle, but I have done all I can do on my end, it's in G-d's hands. I am still asking for prayers, that I'd be healed. We need every bit of support we can get. I know that my family keeps on reassuring me that I am not a burden, but I know this is hard everyone and I feel so bad. It's hard to have to rely on everyone to do the simple things. I am trying hard to keep moving when I can and eat where I can, but the exhaustion is nothing that I can even explain. I don't know what is happening, but I am trying hard to stay in the moments and make the best memories that I can. I am probably forgetting so much, but all I can say is thank you for your prayers. I still believe that G-d could change all of this around and I am clinging to the hope that He will heal me and make each day easier and better. I keep on remembering that he is there even when I can't see. Please continue your prayers, watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.