The Holidays

I actually have been sitting on a post that took me over an hour to compose. I just didn't care for it, so I guess I am starting all over. I am looking at my writing as my art, I haven't ever really thought of it that way before, but G-d has been revealing things to me. We finally moved back home last week. I began to realize that the kids missed sleeping in their own beds and it was time for me to step out of my comfort zone. I love guarantees. I like things to have a perfect out come without risk. Um yeah, life is anything but that. I thought if I ate "safe foods," I'd never have a problem. The only thing I didn't take into consideration, really, I don't have any safe foods anymore. I don't know if my body likes them for a while and then one day decides, yeah, not doing that anymore! Throughout all of this, dairy has really helped me. As much as I didn't care for the GI specialist in the hospital, he was right, lactose and me, we must be frienemies. I seem to tolerate the low fat cheeses that is about it. All my shakes, the very shakes that have been my sole source of food, are dairy based. So this has really thrown a wrench into my already crazy situation. I have switched over to soy milk and occasionally have tried going back to the dairy only to find me feeling sick and miserable for hours. The soy milk is great, but not as many calories or vitamins. We haven't been able to locate a soy based nutritional supplemental drink just yet, but think there has to be one somewhere. I have also found that almost anything sweet is utterly repulsive. I don't know if my body just said, enough is enough, but mostly anything sweet has left my diet. This has left a void in food, but has made me feel much more better. I truly believe the botox is working and it has done much to alleviate pain and that full suffocating feeling. It will only work for a temp. amount of time and even then, they say after 1-2 rounds, it will no longer be effective. In the eyes of western medicine, except for a feeding tube or TPN, their isn't much they can do. This is not my first choice, but after being so sick in the hospital, I have decided I'd rather be alive with a tube and be with my family, then not at all. The only thing is, it is not my call. The doctors all are telling me I need one, but will not actually implement it. I am meeting with my GI tomorrow, and there we will be discussing our options. The thing is, now that I have met with our Naturapath, I believe there is hope that this all could be stemming from some deep rooted emotional issues. I have begun to be aware of how I react in tense situations. I breathe less and hold my stomach in. He felt that if I could get past these issues, my body could begin to self heal and due it's natural process again. Years ago, I would have rolled my eyes. Now, I realize, it just makes sense. Fear has really reared it's ugly head. I just want to play things safe and be normal, unfortunately, this can't happen in this situation. I have to step out and start retrying foods again and see what happens. By playing it safe, I ate less and less in the hopes of feeling better, when in actuality, it made me feel weak and worse. My blood pressure is in the 80/50 area and goes even lower when I sleep. Other than weight loss, they don't know why it has gotten so low. I have been trying to eat more sodium and cut more of the sugar out and eat some normal foods. I have found me sucking the salt off of baked cheetos and trying to find that balance in the right amount of fluids, making sure that I get up and move around and keep my body moving. Slowly, but surely, I have had some good days. Christmas was wonderful. I cried the morning I woke up. I couldn't believe that I was still alive and I was just thrilled. We were supposed to go and celebrate with the family but I quickly realized it would be too much. Normally, I would send them to go anyways so they could have fun. After sitting in the hospital I thought of all the times I should have done.... So I asked Seth to stay at home and just hang out. The kids were none the wiser, so they were just happy to have a PJ day and open presents that others had so thoughtfully gotten for them. It was the most amazing Christmas I have had since Elijah. We didn't do much, yet just being together was all I needed. I have still had some issues with food not moving, but my biggest obstacle is the fear. I am asking for prayers that G-d give me the courage to move past all of the what if's and just do it anyways. The fear has been paralyzing and has debilitated me to the point of being destructive. It's so easy to say, give it to G-d. Yet, when I have been put in the situation time after time, the decisions are overwhelming. I would have thought having all this time on my hands that I'd be immersing my self in the bible and praying for hours. Instead I find myself doing little breath prayers of "Abba help me get better." Right now my brain seems to not comprehend in-depth things, everything needs to be extremely simple. I felt really guilty at first and very unfaithful, but now I have just handed it over to Him that He knows how tired I am. I have had to rely so much on others to help me and that has been frustrating and humbling. I want to do everything myself, but for now, I just am not able to. I have been blessed with having a blog and facebook to be able to put myself out there. As hard as it is admitting to others my struggles, I have been shown so much love and support. I can't tell you all how pivotal all of your prayers and support meant to us. My Mom was saying how amazing my friends are, and all I could do was smile and nod with tears in my eyes. I cry a lot. This has been healing. I have been angry for so long and I am learning how important it is to let that anger go. Sadness is hard for me to deal with. You'd think with the kids passing away that I'd have this down pat, but I don't. Seth has commented how different I am, how much softer I have become. I have always been so small, so you have to act tough to ward off the bullies, except in my case. I became my own bully. I am not tough, I am weak. I am only strong through the hand of G-d. There are days I freak out and ask Him where He is and ask Him why. There are also days when all I can say is "thank you." Honestly when Eli was alive we had so much support and then he died and everyone just faded away. Or so I thought. I always felt it was Eli that drew everyone in. Yes, he was so amazing. It was G-d that drew everyone in, just like He is doing now. I haven't been able to go to church since July, I struggle with pain, doubt, and fear. Yet my G-d, the one true living G-d is still with me. He is my comforter in a way I haven't known. I so long for the day that I can come into His presence and say, Thank You for never leaving me or giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself. Yesterday was a really tough day, today was much better. I don't know what each day holds for itself. I am trying hard to just live in the present and not think about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough to worry about. I am asking for continued prayers. I believe the more specific, the better. I am asking for the ability overcome this fear and anxiety. Also for the ability to eat and gain healthy weight, and for peace and hope and sleep! In the last few months I have only slept through the night twice. Other than that, I wake up every 2 hours. I don't know if it is the low blood pressure and my body is trying to startle me or if it is the stress of everything. Bottom line, I needs my sleep! You dear friend on the other side of the computer, I am thankful for you. Thank you for cheering me on, for caring about me and my family. You too are going through things yourself, I am sure. I pray that you are able to reach your hand out to others, but especially to G-d. He sent His one and only son to die for us, and that means more than I can even fathom. I am trying to wrap my mind around His promises. I too struggle with my faith, yet I am clinging with all that I have to Him. I also want to thank those of you who helped us out to see Dale, we wouldn't have been able to go without your help. I really believe G-d is having us go to him for a reason. Thank you to those of you who helped us have a blessed Christmas. Words can't describe how grateful we really are. We are meeting with the GI tomorrow for a follow up on the botox. Please pray that G-d would show him something that we may be missing and that we'd come out of the appt. with hope. Every day is a gift. I still botch things up and get in a mood, but I am aware of how blessed each hour that we have with each other really means. I am praying this new year approaching would be full of healing, restoration, good health, good food, and time. Normal and boring sound like such a vacation. Isaiah and Aria have been entertaining me so much. Their vivacious personalities crack me up. As tough as this has been on them, I see that it has bonded them together. I make sure to tell them I love them more often and stop and watch them play. I like to imagine what they'll look like when they grow up and what they will do with their lives. Isaiah is really getting into math and wants to know all the numbers. He actually let me rock him when I got back from the hospital. He hasn't let me do that in years. He can be such a dictator and yet so sweet. Aria, one minute in princess shoes and another climbing and jumping off of things. She loves me to snuggle her, and at the same time, isn't afraid to speak her mind. I have no idea where she gets it from;) My Sethy, the love of my life, who works so hard in all that he does with kindness that is rare to see. I am so fortunate to have a husband that took his wedding vows so seriously. He has really loved me through sickness and in health. I just can't seem to get enough of them. I am tired, but still in this race. Thank you for your prayers and support, it feels so good to feel so loved. May G-d have mercy on our family, may the blood of Jesus heal me, and may we walk in peace and some day be able to help others.