Exhaustion

I am pooped, so I hope this makes sense. We have decided to proceed with the botox being injected into my pyloric sphincter (you can laugh, but it's the muscle below the stomach) to keep it open and let my food empty out. Satan and I had it out today. He gripped me with fear I haven't known in a long time. Seth informed me that I had to get lab work done. I just assumed it was being done for a pre procedure thingy. I learned, due to me hitting the weight that I am at, they are preparing me for TPN if needed. I am hoping I don't need this. It would help nutrition, but it is a huge source for infection in a central artery and I pray it not be G-d's will that this has to be done. The doctor checked, but the results are still not in. Dear friends, I ask you to lift me in prayer. I know you already are, but I believe that we are given each other to help when we are weak. I am weak and need help. We moved in with my in laws for now. By myself, I couldn't take care of the kids. It's been a good experience, and I wish I could tell you all about it, but again, I exhausted. I know that whatever G-d does, is good. But I also know that the bible says, that if we ask in His son's name and it is His will, He will give it to us. I am asking for a tall order (might as well go big) that this botox would work wonders, that it would be effective, last a long time, and have no adverse reactions. Dear friends, I am asking for prayers of peace that passes all understanding. I admit, I know G-d is good, but I have been so scared. I want to watch my children grow up and I want to grow old with my soul mate and best friend, Seth. I truly need not just a miracle, but many. I have tried to watch TV and just occupy myself, yet I can not get my mind off of G-d. In all of this suffering, I am seeing so many blessings that He has allowed for me. Though I am far from perfect, I have led a beautiful life. I have a stunning family, friends, and life. Though I feel I have so much more life to live, I have been allowed to have so much more than I ever realized. In all my grumbling and complaining of looking at lumps of coal in my hands, in reality, they were diamonds. Life has been made so complex in all expectations that this world has put on us, when in reality, I think G-d wants us to live simply. In simplifying we don't waste our time engaging in pointless stress. So often I have whined about not having enough, when now all I want, is what is right in front of me. I have promised Him over and over that I will proclaim His mighty works if He pulls me through this. Only now as scared as I am, I realize that no matter what, He is mighty. Whether the outcome is what I dreamed of or not, He is my G-d. I am so blessed to have His one and only son as my Savior. Facing such uncertainty and looking at my life, that it is not what I wish I would have done. I wish I would have been more loving, more joyful, more patient, more kind, less selfish, not complain so much (you get the picture) I am covered by the blood of Jesus. As we were speaking to this one man, he said "we always sing about how amazing grace is, yet I truly don't believe any of us can even begin to comprehend it. " He's right. I don't get it, but I am clinging to G-d's promise that it is true. I have a lot of life in me, so much I want to do and I just pray He allows me more time in healthy state. My procedure is probably going to be around noon on Friday. Please pray this works. I believe a lot of this is psychological and I pray that the Lord will restore me with good health. I want to dance with Seth at our kids weddings. To play with our grandchildren, to live. I am tired and weary, so I ask that you reach out in faith and believe. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.