Today I am celebrating that it was a better day. Lately, I have been hardly able to go anywhere without getting easily winded or sick. I have debated whether to share my thoughts along this tedious long process. I have been told that I am a transparent person or that I wear my heart on my sleeve. While this leaves me sometimes an easy target, I have been told that it is quite the gift. I believe in being as honest as possible, even when I don't want to. I know somewhere out there there may be someone struggling with something in their life and whether they are in the same position as me, they may relate to my raw emotion. It's easy for me to share me grief. Maybe because it is something that is easy to identify and has a very visible reason why I am feeling the way that I do. As for what I have been going through lately, this is harder to express. I guess maybe because there are so many unknowns and it doesn't have a defined label. I am grateful that it isn't life threatening, that I know of, but it has snatched a bit of my life. I do have pain, but I have always had a higher physical pain tolerance. As for the emotional, not so much. I don't like taking medication, even something as small as Tylenol. It sounds silly, I know, but something in my body chemistry changed after I had children. I am now super sensitive to the smallest change and it bothers me. Thankfully, the Lord has sent me continued support of people that I KNOW I can count on. This has been beyond priceless. The hard part is sitting back and taking it. I feel ridiculous being at home cooped up over what sound like trivial things like gastritis and the now ever so much swear word in my mind, anxiety. Yep, I'll say it, ANXIETY I HATE YOU!!!!! You annoy me and you have robbed me of beautiful summer days with my kids, my family, my friends, new memories. I am no longer afraid of it, I just hate it. It almost feels like someone invisibly is coming up behind me, grabbing my throat and choking me, making my heart beat so hard, you'd think I was at the top of a mountain just about to fall, coupled by energy bursts so hard that you can't stay still, yet exhaustion that makes you want to collapse all at the same time. It's like a living nightmare, and it lasts sometimes for hours. Noise, light, anything touching me leaves me gasping for air. I find myself trying to find cold air to stand in front of because it reminds me that I am able to feel. I hate admitting this, in fact, it makes me a little ashamed to think that something so invisible could paralyze my life so much. No one can see it, no one can feel it, it makes me feel crazy. I have found it is triggered when I am having true physical pain, but then the fear of the fear takes over. The last time I thought I had panic like this was after Eli died, but Seth just reminded me it wasn't like this. Instead, it was 10 1/2 years ago after our apartment burned down in the middle of the night. I thought I was done having anything like this come back, but apparently this is how my body responds after it's had too much. I have been trying so hard to focus on all the positive things in my life (which is a lot!) and all the miracles that G-d has done and can do. I admit, I have my dips where I just get plain tuckered out and just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Thankfully that always seems to be about the time, the good Lord has someone call me, or leave a message, or even pops a name in my head to call. I know there are so many other people in this life that would trade places with me in a heart beat, I know, because I used to be one of them. When Eli was fighting for his life I used to hear people complain about their finances, a cold, their children fighting/whining, etc. and I would dream to be in their place. I would want to shake them and tell the how lucky they are that their child kept them up until 3 AM teething, or whatever. I guess the thing about people is when we are in distress, whether it be major in the eyes of many or in none, to that person, they are still in distress. My stomach and esophagus issues are obvious to doctors, but the panic attack, they can't feel what I am feeling, so it isn't that big of a deal. I get it, when you have a heart attack in one room, and a car collision in another, or a little child crying in pain, a panic attack is pretty low on the totem pole. I have had several of the doc's say, just talk yourself down and you'll be okay. I hear them, but when that panic hits, all logic goes out the window. Maybe you have never had a panic attack and this all sounds kooky. Maybe you know someone who has or maybe YOU yourself have experienced this nightmare. I just want to write to you and tell you, I understand and you are not alone. I have had several fabulous women who have helped me through all this craziness and I am beyond grateful. I know I will get this with the help of G-d. Thankfully I have a Lord that allows me to say "I am tired! I am frustrated! I hurt! I'm scared!" In my cries for mercy He also knows my heart, and here's me saying "I am choosing to trust you and I won't stop believing. You have carried me through worse and You will heal me." Mind you, I say this with tears. Some days I feel better and sometimes not, but I remind myself, the Lord saved me when I was 11 and almost died from a terrible infection. The Lord saved me the night our apartment burned down. The Lord carried me when each of my children died. My cries will not fall on deaf ears. Call me dramatic, but unless you have walked one night in my shoes... I am also reminded that the Lord has blessed me even greater than I have ever imagined He could, maybe He just wanted to add something new to my list. I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me, something so bad that I have so many trials when so many others seem to slip under the radar, but a dear friend of mine had to remind me that we live in a fallen world. I only hope I can bring honor and glory to G-d's name and then in each of my struggles no matter how big or small that I won't let satan's evil lies shake my faith. The Lord is good. He will help me overcome, it will take time and I need to be patient, but He will help me overcome. I give Him praise ahead of time, may His name forever be praised, Oh Ancient of Days.
3 comments:
Kelly, Your transparency is so refreshing. Many women deal with extreme anxiety .. including me throughout the years. It's very frightening. Mine also began after the birth of my children. After the birth of a child many women's hormones go haywire. I had to go through the Mayo Clinc to be diagnosed with endrocrine dysfunction .. the treatment was natural progesterone which eventually took all the anxiety away. It was totally hormonal.
Unless you have a quirky body like us .. it is almost impossible to understand. Yet some do judge .. scripture says, "Judge not lest ye be judged." I have a girlfriend who used to judge those who 'claimed' to have PMS or hormonal imbalance. She said it was all in their heads UNTIL she had a baby and suffered severe post partum which evolved into PMS. It's a very real malady and it wrecks havoc on the body. Thankfully there are remedies available to balance everything out.
Thank you for your boldness in sharing your journey. You are special .. God uses you!
Love and HUGS!
Mama Sue
Hi Kelly,
It sounds like a little better day today and I am grateful. Your writing is a good way to talk through your thoughts, fears, worries and little steps of progrss! I always enjoy reading them and putting myself in your shoes.It sounds like you have begun a new journey, with each new step. Go slow, breathe, and enjoy the beautiful sights along the way. Hang onto God, Seth and your family and friends as they can be part of your journey too. They are there to lead when you cannot, to pray when you cannot and to be by your side reminding you to relax and breathe.Everyone on your team loves you. You are never alone.God is with you always!
Hi, Kelly...I have had panic attacks all my life. As a matter of fact, it runs in my family...Daddy and sister. Yes, it can indeed be genetic. I am now 63. They started, out of the blue, when I had little or no stress, when I was 22. Over the years, I learned that I could do a few things that would hands-on physically help myself.
First of all, YES...you feel it coming on. Then, you try as hard as you can to control it in your mind...but, to no avail. Then, the old shortness of breath, the pounding of the heart..and there you are. Sound familiar? It feels like you're going to have a heart attack or even die.
I used to be a pro musical stage actor. I even would have these attacks when I was ON stage, in front of an audience and I just had to stand there and pray to the Lord that I wouldn't pass out, ruin the play or make a fool of myself.
The ONE thing you do NOT want to do is breathe. I kid you not. During the attacks, your blood gases are being upset and even more adrenaline is entering your circulatory system. Yes, I have studied it anatomically.
I have found that 4 things have helped me tremendously. (1) Hold your breath for 30 seconds or more, if you can...but NOT too long. This starts to balance the Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide exchange in your blood. You will feel like your throat is tightening and your head may feel a little like you have pressure building in it, but that is OK. (2) Take off walking or running, if you can. This also works to blow off some of the extra imbalance of chemicals in your blood. (3) Start talking or, better yet, humming a song...BUT, only take a regular sized breath at the end of a sentence of that song. Whatever you do, don't take an abnormally deep breath because that just feeds the extra build-up of Oxygen that is already in your circulatory system. I can't tell you how many times I have sung "Jesus Loves Me" or "Marry Had a Little Lamb". (4) It helps, sometimes to bend at a 90 degree angle at your waist and hold you breath for a few seconds too. Once again, if you do this, you will feel pressure building in your head, so make sure you are close to a chair so that you can sit down.
Panic attacks are caused from over-breathing too deeply when you are AWARE that fear of it happening time and time again is at hand. Take shallow breaths as you feel it coming on.
It is not necessarily a hormonal disorder in all people, but it CAN be. It can also be enzymatic. Some people have estrogen imbalances that cause it. Some others have one adrenal gland that is slightly enlarged. So...what you have going on my NOT be all in your mind or caused from chronic anxiety syndrome. Mine came on, most often, when nothing was provoking it to happen. It just happened because I am predisposed to have it.
I wish you the best luck with this. It makes people feel ashamed and out of control...but, know that you are not alone with this affliction. Know that it WILL get better the more times you go through it and try to do some things to try to control it.
Love you for your honesty. Carol
cbacts at att net.
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