On My Knees

It's been a while since my last post. Shortly after Aurora's birthday I started to feel quite sick at night for no reason, but brushed it off to maybe eating to late or that the food didn't agree with me. I have always had an ultra sensitive stomach and tend to have a small issue from time to time. I just noticed that I was waking in the middle of the night to heavy nausea and found myself pacing up and down the first floor for a while and then would go back to sleep. I was more annoyed that I wasn't getting a full nights rest and just tried to shake it off. On the 24th of June we settled into our relaxing Friday night with the kids. An hour after dinner I felt incredibly sick and threw up. After I was done it just went away and I just hoped that was the end of it. We resumed our evening together and then settled into bed. I woke up suddenly about an hour later. I felt sick to my stomach and a sharp pain that I have never felt before. I'll spare you all the details, but about half way through the night I contemplated going to the ER. If you know me, I am not a fan of hospitals. It takes a lot to get me to go, but at this point I was literally on my knees praying and doubled over in pain. I have a family history of serious stomach issues, my Aunt died early and quickly due to stomach cancer and my Mom almost died before Eli was born when her colon burst. I contemplated waking Seth up, but he had been working so hard all week and I didn't want to drag the kids out of bed and make them go to the hospital. I finally decided I would just drive myself when I remembered that Seth had to work. I was torn. Seth's bosses depend on him to go in and open the shop and manage the guys on Saturdays, so I had to wait to find a baby sitter. I found myself pacing for hours and praying out loud for mercy in my fits of panic and pain. Long story short, we got to the ER after Seth's parents took the kids. That was one of the longest rides in the car that we have had since Elijah died. I thought I was going to pass out from the pain and the nausea was so severe. We prayed that G-d would show Himself to us and help us by giving the wisdom to the doctors along with compassion. We got in almost right away (thank you Father in Heaven!) and the nurse was super compassionate, that I could have cried. We explained it all and expected to have to wait a million years to get things going. The doc came in and listened to what I had to say carefully and was so caring. They offered me some heavy duty pain killers, which I declined as they tend to make me panic. So they got me something for the nausea and anxiety. I am annoyingly super sensitive to any meds, especially injections. I have never asked a nurse to give me meds slowly, but this time I did. I explained everything, I felt so stupid. Hello! I am going to the ER for pain and refuse pain meds and oh yes, by the way, can you give my injections as slow as possible?? I also knew I didn't want to freak out, so I did what I had to do. Since having Elijah, I went from taking heavy duty migraine meds to not being able to handle a Tylenol without getting sleepy. I expected her to say she didn't have time for this, but she didn't. She sat down next to me and soothingly talked to me. I apologized repeatedly and explained that our son lived in the hospital and blah, blah, blah. She then looked at me with tears in her eyes and she said, "I know you." I just blanked out, quite stunned. "You do?" I asked in complete wonder. She went on to explain that her daughter was in the NICU with Eli and that she actually attended his funeral (I remembered them). I was stunned and yet I wanted to hug her in thanks for remembering our special little guy. Eli's life was still affecting people, even those I hardly knew. I found myself wanting to hang on to her every word to see what she remember and I felt so calm in her presence. When in walks in a ultrasound tech and whisked me off. I was super bummed that our conversation had to end with the nurse, yet was pleasantly surprised that things were moving along quickly. I had gotten a mini dose of the meds and felt a bit better but everything was coming in waves. They did the ultrasound and then she took us back to the room where my dear friend the nurse continued to talk with us all the while slowly giving my meds. By talking with this nurse, we had gotten our answer, G-d showed up big time! His presence was all around us and the nurse just sealed the deal. With labs and an ultrasound, they were contemplating a CT scan, but I am allergic to the dye and prayed they wouldn't need to give it to me. They ruled out the gall bladder and other things, and chalked it up to gastritis and an ulcer. Okay, so when they said that I felt relief and huge stupidity. Gastritis? What was that? It sounds like something that would happen to an elderly person who has to much gas! Which it's not. He went on to explain what it was and that I needed to get into a specialist and get a EGD done. So I felt horrible but felt good that it wasn't something super severe. I felt G-d so much in that visit as He flung open doors to help us. I went home feeling confused, but hopeful, after all it would just go away, right? Ummm, no. Thankfully the Lord has provided me with an amazing support system of caring family and friends who sent their prayers up to help. Especially a friend of ours who walked with us when Eli was alive, it turns out she has the same thing I do. After getting no where with my family physician and not being able to get into a gastrointerologist until the end of AUGUST! Thankfully, she was able to identify and explain the pain while giving me support and reassurance that what I was feeling was normal, since I feel nausea like when I was at my worst, for morning sickness, and pain that is almost indescribable. So as you who have followed me know I was trying to lose weight, yeah, I got my wish. I wish I could say that I am ecstatic, but I'm not. I am a foodie and now I can hardly eat a small meal a day. I find myself salivating watching the Food Network and dreaming of each succulent bite of creamy yummy goodness and then look at my glass of water and saltines:( I wanted to lose weight, but not like this. No, it isn't worth it. If you got a bit of pudge and you aren't endangering your health, I say to you dear friend, enjoy each bite that you are so blessed to eat. Thanks to the media it puts thoughts in our minds about every food and restaurant under the sun to tempt you only to be followed by a diet weight loss program. It's sick and wrong! I wish we could go back to when people were just grateful to have food and not reprimand themselves for each pound they gain! I feel like doody, there, I said it. I would use other words, but I want this to be a family friendly blog. No one likes a complainer, let alone someone who always seems to be having something dramatic happening in their life. Let me tell you, some people have boring lives and apparently I am not one of them. I crave a boring humdrum life where my biggest thrill is that I mowed the lawn a half an hour early. That's not my life. We at Casa Kelly have weird things happen (I am writing this while chuckling) things that make soap opera writers want to grab a pen for this weeks episode. The kids who are used to going on play dates, libraries, parks, walks, swimming, have now been benched, and they aren't happy about it. I feel so bad. I can barely move off the couch and all they want to do is play. Movement and noise make things worse and with two little ones, they can't help it. I feel helpless. I am there Mom! I am supposed to be doing lots of fun summer memory making things! Then the panic attacks started to come. If that wasn't enough I had an allergic reaction to something and in the middle of the night my eyes swelled up and my throat felt like it was closing up. I have NEVER had an allergic reaction like this. I have only had two reactions, milk and imitrex, but not from anything seasonal. In all that chaos I was told to take Benadryl which set off a 14 hour mother of a hen house panic attack. Have you ever had one? They are horrible! It feels like your throat is closing, your heart is beating so hard it's going to explode and you just can't stop moving for fear you are drawing in your last breath! Exhausting? Yes. I told Seth I felt like Job, that it's just been one thing after the next. The anxiety has been almost the hardest thing of all. I wake up in the middle of the night in sheer panic for no reason. All the while I have been praying, praying, oh yeah, and praying. I know He can heal me from this and I feel that satan, the booger, has got his hooks in my back. With each time we try to find an answer, we get blocked. I will spare you the details we have had trying to get appts to help get to the bottom of all this and see if we are missing something. The attacks are stronger and more painful and in paralyzes me in pain so bad that I actually contemplated throwing cereal on the floor and letting the kids have a free for all (I would never do it) so I didn't have to move. We finally today got a prescription for an acid reducer, yes I said acid reducer, that I have been trying to get for several years. You would have thought that this stuff was gold the way the insurance company didn't want to pay for it. What's sad is we have spent more money trying to heal the damage from the years of all this acid that could have been prevented in the first place. My sweet children are so bored and ask me each day how I am feeling. No child at the age of 2 and 4 should worry that their Mom isn't feeling well. Isaiah actually came up to me this morning and put his hand on me and said "in the name of Jesus, you are healed." This was after asking me how I felt and realizing I was in so much pain. He said it so tenderly and then kissed me softly while climbing under the covers with me. My sweet boy! My Lord in Heaven, you have given us amazing children! We just got the call from my new family physician who actually seems to be managing my care very well, that they were placing my file on the gastro. specialists desk to personally look at my file to see if he'll squeeze me in sooner. Please pray that he has mercy on me and agrees to see me ASAP. They said my symptoms (which I am leaving some out) are so severe that it put me to the top of their ER chart. I just hope I can get in there. I am tired and weary. I finally got to see how valuable I really am to this family, because now that Mama ain't runnin' the show, let's just say things are in a disarray. Let me give you an example. I was getting Isaiah's clothes out for the day when I realized that he didn't have anymore clean underwear, apparently the laundry fell off the priority list. I told him that he should just keep his undies on that he had put on before bed when he says in his chipmunk voice, "I can't Mom, I'm going Commando!" He says this with the widest grin on his face. I just starred at him stunned and said "what?!" He quickly dropped his shorts and bared all while belly laughing and shouting "COMMANDO!!" This is a word Seth says, so I started to laugh and then Aria joined in. I later told Seth that apparently we need to do laundry because Isaiah was going commando. Without missing a beat, he just said, "I know." Oh, what would he do without me?? Not all is bad though. We have had amazing help when we needed it most. Not to mention the beautiful words of prayer and encouragement that have been sent to us that I hold so dearly in my heart. I am praying that positive answers and hope come out and I can get back to my dear sweet life that I have yet taken for granted. Ooh to play with the kids, eay a delicious meal, and go out with friends, mmmmmmmm.... All of this and way more has been happening continuously since June 23rd, so my time line is distorted. I want to especially thank Seth's Mom and Dad who have had our backs, my parents, Marie for your delicious meal, Kathy and Mike for watching the kids, Ashley and Carol for all your advice, Jade, Sarah, Mama Sue, and so many others friends and family that have helped us out. All I can say, is don't judge someone in crisis, you never handle it the way you think you will. I have made that mistake to often, and then I get humbled. I am being humbled now, and I know that this isn't going to be easy, but I am hanging on to hope. This song always inspires me, maybe it will for you too.




On My Knees Lyrics
Jaci Velasquez

There are days
when I feel
The best of me
is ready to begin (the end)
Then there's (the) days
when I feel
I'm letting go
and soaring on the wind
'Cause I've learned in laughter or in pain
How to survive!

I get on my knees! (x2)
There I am before the Love
That changes me
See I don't know how
But there's power
When I'm on my knees

I can be
in a crowd
Or by myself
and almost anywhere
When I feel
there's a need
To talk with God
He is Emmanuel
When I close my eyes,
no darkness there
There's only light!

I get on my knees (x2)
There I am before the Love that changes me
See I don't know how, but there's power
In the blue skies, in the midnight
When I'm on my knees
I get on my knees (x2)
There I am before the Love
That changes me
See I don't know how, but there's power
When I'm on my, oh, when I'm on my
When I'm on my knees