Quick Sand

I have had people who have noticed I haven't written in a long time. I only write when I feel inspired and as for the the last few months, NADA! We all have seasons of peaks and valleys, to put it bluntly, I hit the valley of quick sand. I do know what caused it, but like quick sand, the more I struggled, the more it pulled me in. Thankfully I have had an amazing support system. I have a terrific husband and really great friends that have just been there beyond anything I could have asked for. Not only were they there, but their inspiring, comforting, encouraging words enveloped me. I am so grateful, they will never know how much it meant to me. In all the wonderful human support, I felt that my relationship with G-d was lacking. I pretty much fell away when my Grandma died and decided to focus on other things and again, trying to control every aspect of my life (which is ridiculously impossible) so that everything might stay stable. I had a wonderful friend of mine point out, that G-d wired me in a way that I am only peaceful and joyful when I am truly connected with Him. I know this is how G-d wired all of us, but for me, I have to have that or else I spiral down. My anxiety came back with a vengeance after my Grandma died. I became constantly worried about everything and woke up with annoying panic attacks that were sapping my energy. I must say this time I did a bit better than ever as I forced myself to keep on going, instead of retreating like I used to. I made sure to take part in anything and everything I could possibly do to keep me on track, but the nights, oh the nights were awful! As night approached, I'd become increasingly anxious as I knew that it was time to sleep and I wouldn't be able to. I tried several things to sleep (including some natural remedies) but they seemed to make my body freak out even more. What should have been received in body as a calming affect, made me do the opposite, and panic. Of course being up all night just made grouchy the next morning and my poor kids had to deal with Godzilla any time they asked a question. Don't worry people, this gets better;) So in all my struggles I began to beg G-d to help me through, to get me back to where I need to be when I was challenged in a way that I had not expected. Most of you know that I am a Christian, but also that my heritage is Jewish. I have always felt so honored that I am of such beautiful lineage. I have never once denied it, in fact, I love talking about it. We were at my in laws house and got on the subject of being Kosher and I mostly forget all the details. When Seth's sister (whom I absolutely adore!) points out "well Kelly is Jewish." Now my dear sweet Jody was right (love ya Jody!)! But for some reason I blurted out, "I'm not Jewish!" In my brain I think, why did I just say that?? As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I finally for the first time in my life knew what it felt like to grieve the Holy Spirit. I felt as though 5,000 angels died at my horrid words. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I started to say, "I'm... I'm" and then my thought process came to a halt. I looked at Seth and said "I don't know, what am I?" Several family members went about their business, but a few tried to reassure me it was okay. I must have looked freaked out. Seth says to me, "Your Jewish and your Christian." Which Seth is right, Jody was right, why did the words even come out of my mouth! Apparently my impulse control was out of order! I have never denied who I am, so why then when it really wasn't even an issue. My sister in law was just stating a fact that I have been very open about. All I could think is that I spit in G-d's eye and that I must have hurt all those who had gone on before me. I know it sounds dramatic, but I really take my faith and heritage quite seriously. Seth than said, "if the Nazi's came, they'd come and take you." He's right. I have always had this pressing thought of, if someone came to my door and asked me if I believed in Jesus or else they'd kill me and my family, would I have the guts to be honest? Let's face it, genocide is still happening to this day, it could happen. I always thought I'd be honest, so this just shook me to my core. The ironic thing of all of this, is that night I was starting a new bible study, on Esther (insert shame). A book of the bible that doesn't name G-d once, yet a woman who puts her life on the line for her people, my people, the Jewish people. I felt sick and hypocritical. I just felt I was supposed to share with my Ladies and confess my feelings of shame. But after all my talking, I felt G-d saying, it's time to write. So here I am writing. In all my struggle, I have now set up things to keep me accountable. I am really excited to be studying the book of Esther with Beth Moore (which has the subtitle of It's hard being a woman!) She was speaking about all the insecurities and a time where she felt so distant from G-d. I know it is a study I truly belong in. I feel that G-d is calling me back and reaching out for me, and I gladly accept. I am planning on writing much more, as Seth has pointed out, it truly is my therapy. So there is much more than that but I have to say I am so grateful to my Lord, my husband and kids, my dear friends, my family, who love me through these ups and downs. I am determined to know G-d more, to share my story of imperfection and screw ups, to see the beauty in each moment, even when I am down. Besides, if we don't have storms, you can't have a rainbow. On a much lighter note Isaiah only has two more days of school left! Aria has is quickly becoming less and less of a toddler and more of that of a little girl (sniff, sniff). Seth is as usual Mr. Rogers, happy and wonderful to be around. You know as much as these last few months have been so difficult, I can truly appreciate moments like these, moments that are preparing me for the joy that is coming!!! Watch, pray, believe, and always be Amazed. Thank you Father!