spital bed. I remember waking up and being quite confused when it all came rushing back to me, Aurora had been born! My sweet beautiful daughter had been born at 3:15 in the morning ALIVE! They warned me she probably wouldn't be, but yet she was, or at least, she did. Our beautiful girl lived for an hour and a half. Minutes that are forever engraved in my mind. She was 3 pounds and 11 ounces, 16 1/2 inches long and so beautiful. Her fingernails were perfect little ovals, while a full head of hair adorned her 35 week gestational body. They had told us early on in the pregnancy that nothing was wrong, then that we'd miscarry, then she had no kidney's and would be born asleep. Yet there she was in my arms alive! Her little heart beating, as she let out two little cries and my heart skipped a beat. I started to wonder, maybe a she'd live after all! The family poured into the room to say hello and the whole room was abuzz. Seth and I proudly showed off the very first grand daughter on each side. Aurora Skye, our beauty. Throughout the 35 weeks that I carried her I was blessed to be tuned into every movement. She had zero amniotic fluid, so literally you could see her outline in my belly. I could easily find her head, stroke her back, and tickle her legs. She hated tight fitting clothes since there was no amniotic fluid to buffer the pressure. She knew when Seth would get home even before I did. I have fond memories of watching her on the ultrasound machine opening her mouth and responding to Seth's questions. She'd follow the direction of his voice, she was truly a Daddy's girl. I think she knew I was more relaxed when he was at home, and probably made her life so much more comfortable. She loved to eat sugary cereals, something I hate to eat to this day. Her last meal was Trix, Lucky Charms, and Sun Chips. I cried for years that I should have eaten a better meal that day, but I had no warning that she was going to come that day. There are so many happy memories I had while being pregnant with her. I think in my mind, I truly believed that she wasn't going to die. I didn't know how to prepare for it, nor did I truly understand the finality of it all. In a world of second chances, there would be none for her. So as I held her in my arms in the wee morning, as far as I had known, she'd be fine, right??? It was not to be. I realized that she was no longer alive in my arms and my heart shattered into pieces. I buried my face into her belly and sobbed. My little girl, all my dreams for her, all my love, and she was gone. Here I went from sheer elation to utter devastation. The family filed out and quietly said their goodbyes. I don't remember much except that I wanted to leave with her. My baby was all alone and she needed her Mama and I couldn't help her, at all. Digital cameras had just come out and we were so blessed that my Father in law had one. Most of our pictures were taken on a regular roll of film and so there weren't that many that came out. His on the other hand were great! I am still so grateful that he took all of those picture and even some video. It's priceless to us, more than anything we could imagine. The doctor made me take a sleep aid, I still am not sure why as I wasn't hysterical, in fact I was quite calm. Reluctantly I agreed. I remember waking up in another room. The room was long, narrow, and eerily quiet. There were no balloons, no pacifiers, and no screaming baby, just silence. As I wiped the sleep from my eyes I looked to the right to see Seth holding her swaddled in her blanket trying to keep her warm. He was whispering to her and stroking her little hand. The tears fell from my eyes as I had realized it wasn't a dream, this was real life. I remember before she was born they said we could hold her as long as we wanted to and I thought that was really gross (shows how immature I was). Why would I want to hold a dead baby? Yet here she was, perfect, and I didn't want to ever let her go. It just felt so natural snuggling her close and talking to her. We had bought her a special outfit that she was now wearing, a dress all white with a single rose. Never had I ever felt so whole as I did when I was with her and now she was leaving me. We sat with her for hours and tried to soak each moment in. There was one visitor that quickly came and went. Silence. So much, silence. Later the nurse came in with a packet full of papers on how to grieve and a picture of a leaf with a raindrop on it. I later found out it was on our door to signify that our baby had died and to keep quiet. Here we sat with what I thought was the most amazing baby girl ever, and yet there was no pink baby dresses, no pink bottles, no little diapers, nothing. Did she have Seth's dimples or my laugh? Gone. It was almost as if she had never happened. I didn't know how to process it. I wanted all those things for her, I had just had a baby, I wanted to have people fussing over who she looked like. Then came the time they came to take her. There is NO amount of preparation that can ever prepare you for you to leave your child, none. I felt as though I was abandoning her. I was her Mom, I couldn't leave her! The doctor came into the room and gave a few harsh words and left the room. I sobbed as I gave my little girl over and demanded that I be discharged if I couldn't be with her. I won't go into the details that followed, as they are only Seth's and mine to share. I felt sick. All I can say is I was in shock, for a very long time. I remember making the preparations for her memorial service and us having to decide to cremate her (I can't even tell you how upsetting that decision was). Decisions that were so painful, yet, what else could we do, but make them the best we could for her. I won't even go into the whole cremation as that is pain I still cannot share easily. Except that her ashes were placed into a Royal Dalton china doll, and heart shaped necklace for me, and a necklace for Seth. I felt better knowing that she was always close to my heart. After Elijah passed away, we decided to bury her ashes with Elijah. He now holds the china doll on his chest with Seth's necklace. I still wear her necklace around my neck. I don't plan to have another for the rest of my life. Aurora is so special to me, my first born. In having her and then losing her my whole outlook on life changed. I have always been a very opinionated person, but back then I was beyond bold. I said what was on my mind and had no consideration for others feelings. After having her my heart softened and I began to feel things that I had never felt before, deep compassion and empathy. I also used to make my mind up in flash and nothing could sway me, now I am about as indecisive as they come. I'll be honest, my confidence was shattered. I still struggle with this. Confidence is a wonderful thing, but sometimes I find that in being confident that sometimes you hurt other people's feelings. I am constantly aware that we can't take one day for granted. Where some might say what is on their minds and feel that whatever happens, happens. Me, I wonder if I might hurt someone's feelings and then they get killed in a car accident and that's how we left it. Morbid, I know. It's hard to explain, but I have found in my grief groups that others seem to know what I am saying. Mortality is real. So many times I find that the world wants us to have fun now, don't worry about what is to come, just do it! After a tragedy, you are left wondering, how did I get to be the one to survive and she didn't. How can I best live the life she'll never live and make a difference. For me, that is keeping the memory of our kids alive. It's about keeping our testimony out there. What seems like only horrible suffering and grieving, why would we want to keep living the memories over and over again. What some don't realize is, there is beauty in each tragedy. I am doing a Beth Moore bible study where she said something that knocked my socks off, she said "you can not amputate your history from your destiny." I find so often that after something earth shattering has happened to someone, they refuse to talk about it. They want to bury it and pretend it didn't happen, it's just to painful. I understand why some have to do this, but for ME, it isn't healthy. Life isn't a pretty package that is tied up in some neat bow. Life is messy. I find when you show others that it is okay to be broken that there comes healing. Jesus dying on the cross binds these wounds, but the scar is still there. Christianity sometimes comes off as an arrogant religion. You can't be a true believer if you aren't happy all the time. It isn't true!! G-d made us to have feelings and to be broken so that we can lean on HIM! We can't do anything without Him. So let's be real, let's cry, let's get angry, let's rejoice, let's dance, for G-d created us to feel and share with others to show, we need Him. So I grieved hard for each of my children that died. Maybe in the minds of others I took it to far, but I know I didn't. They are my children now and forever. They are every bit as on my mind as my living children and that I am glad hasn't changed. I can talk to others about them and share our story without shame and instead with gratefulness. No, I am not ashamed, I am honored to be the mother of so many beautiful children. So every June 21st, September 30th, and April 14th, I take those days and dedicate it to my little ones that for now I can not hold. I notice when someone goes out of their way not to say anything and it cuts me deep. I also notice when someone takes time out of their day to ask me how I am and I am eternally grateful. I have a friend who is like a sister to me. Her daughter was in the NICU with Eli. This week she drove quite a ways to the mausoleum to read Sleeping Beauty to Aurora, not once, but twice. If I had the choice between a shopping spree and that, I would pick that. I was speechless when she told me. I love it when people visit them, I don't know why, but I just do. Not only did she do that, but when we got there, there 9 pink balloons and an Aurora Figurine. I was so overjoyed I cannot even put it into words. She knows my heart and I am so blessed to have her in my life. This was above and beyond anything I could have ever asked for. I love you Jade!
So my Aurora would be 9. They say we'll see each other in the twinkle of an eye, so maybe she'll still be a baby when I get to Heaven, I don't know. I try and imagine who she'd be today. So many, would she this, does she have long hair, or how tall??? I don't know, but I do know that she is truly missed. I had a well meaning person that wondered if each year goes by we miss them less. No, I don't miss them less, I miss them more and that's okay. In my missing them I seek refuge in G-d's shelter. No one can take that pain away, but He gives me hope that I will see her again. I will... I will post more tomorrow on our miracle day today. It was an amazing Aurora Day and I can't wait to share it. I just saw G-d's fingerprints in all we did and it really makes me smile, but until then, here is a video of that remarkable day that I got to hold our little miracle.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRSlFtkXl8o
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