Fingerpints of G-d

I can't believe it! I, procrastinating Kelly, actually remembered to write when I said I would! Alright, in all seriousness it's time to take a trip back to yesterday. Yesterday I awoke to both kids still sleeping ( a miracle in itself right there) and began to talk to G-d. I asked Him to help me through the day, along with other issues that poured out of my heart and into my prayer. I recently have been reading this book about connecting with G-d one minute in each hour that I am awake, to truly be connected with Him. The thing it encourages is a completely open and honest conversation with G-d and not just what you think He was wants to hear from you. So I thought, if there was ever a day to start, it would be on Aurora's day. It's been a day of great joy, sorrow, and sometimes even anger. This year, I just wanted it to be more about the memories of her, full of longing and joy. So I asked specifically for Him to give me tiny miracles throughout the day, so I knew that He was there. I never knew how powerful this prayer would be, until He started to show up. I admit I am far from an morning person. When I wake up, I hate talking and just want to be left alone. Any of you who have young kids, knows that this is pretty much impossible to avoid. My baby girl is like a pop tart in the morning. Always raring to go and so chattery with a bright smile on her face. Isaiah, he's more like me. We both leave each other alone and wait a few minutes before we dive into the new day's plans. On this day I actually talked with the kids and chattered along right with them. I reminded them that it was an Aurora Day, and they immediately got excited. For those of you who have been following our story, know that this has been a dream of mine. We have always been open and honest about Aurora's and Elijah's life and death's. We have longed for them to feel comfortable about talking about them, even to the point of excitement, especially on their special days. Praise be to the Lord, because they did just that. Seth called me and told me he found some coupons on the table for McDonalds and to pick up some breakfast for a special Rory Day treat. We hardly ever do this, but when I asked them if they wanted to go, they were thrilled! You have to understand, my kids don't even realize that McDonalds has a play land, so it was quite cute. They eagerly ran out the door and to the van. Isaiah realized he was still in his pajamas and asked if that was okay. I told him not to worry about it, it was an Aurora Day and they both cheered! I got them buckled in and asked if they wanted to sing Happy Birthday to Aurora and they happily agreed. We all belted it out on top of our lungs with huge smiles on our faces. After we stopped Aria said, "now can we go to Heaven and see Aurora?" My heart melted and stopped all at once. Isaiah quickly chimed in "Yeah! I wanna go to Heaven too!" I explained that we couldn't go just yet,that you have to wait for G-d to call you, and that wouldn't be for a very long time. Sometimes Isaiah will ask why, but not that day. So we went and picked up our food and brought it back home. We had some concerning news about Seth's Mom and we were waiting for the test results, so I was feverishly praying. The kids saw me praying and I asked them if they wanted to pray with me. Isaiah insisted that we all hold hands and they repeated after me as we prayed for Nana. Seth was calling and checking in on us to see how everything was going. He informed me that he was having a hard time getting out early and wondered if that would be okay? I was disappointed, but what can you do? I prayed. I opened my computer to find lots of wonderful responses on the new video of Aurora that we had put up the night before. I LOVE getting feed back on stuff like this, so I was pretty excited to see what everyone had to say. Fingerprints were starting to appear. I was feeling joyful. My sister in law called to talk with me and chatted a little bit about Aurora. It just meant the world to me. I seriously was on cloud nine that she took the time to call me and see how we were doing. Fingerprints. Seth then called me back and let me know his bosses had approved him to leave early and that the day could be what he had hoped it to be. Fingerprints. I was praying for Seth's Mom when I felt a whisper of "she's going to be just fine." I kind of wondered if it was all in my head and kept on asking G-d "is that you?" We then got a call letting us know that she was going to be fine. Relief spilled over Seth and I and I felt G-d almost saying "you see, I was talking to you." Fingerprints. I just felt overjoyed and incredibly relaxed. Normally I am wound pretty tight, so this was an amazing feeling for me, I felt, good! The kids were pretty excited to have Seth home so early, so there was quite a bit of chattering going on. Seth asked me if we should get her flowers or balloons? I knew Jade was getting her balloons so I decided flowers. Aurora had the most beautiful flowers at her memorial service. They were pink baby roses, that not only looked like the color of her skin, but also felt like her. I used to work at this flower shop and after she died, I'd feel the petals of the roses. It reminded me of the soft and coolness of her skin. The only thing is, they are hard to come by. I asked Seth to call and see if they had any, but if not, then we'd be on our way. Seth was talking with them when he found out that not only did they have them, but they were on sale. These particular flowers are NEVER on sale. I gasped in delight and clapped my hands together. They asked him how many he wanted and he asked how many they had, she replied, "Nine." I jumped up and down and squealed. Seth said at that price, it would be no problem. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but flowers have played a huge part in my healing. I dried her flowers from the funeral and put them in a shadow box. Each month on the 21st, I'd buy her flowers. Every year that went by, we'd buy the amount of roses for however old she would be. After we had Isaiah and Aria, that kind of money added up and we couldn't do those things anymore. It grieved me. You know that feeling when you are in a store or some special day is coming and you want to buy your child something special? Oddly enough, even after they pass away, those urges don't stop. I felt guilty for not buying even a little something in her memory as I want her to know she is still on my heart. I felt as though the Lord had put his fingerprint straight onto my heart. We told them to hold the flowers aside and we'd be on our way shortly. My dear friend Sarah makes the most amazing aprons. For my birthday she made me one and informed me that she makes kid sized ones as well. I talked it over with her and she ended up making a matching cherry apron for Aria and a super special solar system one for Isaiah. The kids love to cook, but always get messy. We thought we could say they were from Aurora to remember her special day. Sarah whipped up the aprons and had them in time for our special day. I didn't know if the kids would be excited or not, but figured, it would be fun. So we pulled them out to hear both kids gasp with their mouths wide opened. They not only liked them, they loved them!! We put them on and pranced around while trying to get them to pose for pictures. It was a blast. Fingerprints. Isaiah looked like a little scientist while Aria dance around asking "how do I look?!" I had to practically peel them off of them when it was time to go. Sarah is so creative and spot on captured each child's personality! We were having so much fun when Seth reminded us we had to go and get the flowers. We quickly jumped in the car and went to my old stomping grounds. I love running into my old co-workers and bosses, but figured that I would try to get in and out quickly. As I was waiting for the flowers, 2 of my bosses just happened to come out at the same time and quickly ran over to us. We chatted for quite a while and caught up on times past. One of my co-workers gave the kids free balloons. She said "everyone needs a balloon to go to a party." They knew that it was Aurora's birthday and remembered along with me all that had happened. I was working there when I got pregnant with Aurora. I missed so much work, yet they were so compassionate and never held a grudge. They embraced me as though I was a family member both then and now. I was beaming with joy. Fingerprints. We then took the kids to Seth's Aunt's house. They love playing with Aunt Debbie and Uncle Ricks (is what Isaiah calls him) at their house. We dropped them off and proceeded to spend some time alone with each other. After the last couple of special days, we realized it was too much pressure on the kids and decided their fun should continue in a different way. We went to a little restaurant and shared a couple of appetizers and then planned on going for a walk. As many of you know, I am terrified of storms. If there is even a chance of severe weather, I tend to stay close to a basement. Thunder started to rumble in the distance and a flash of lightening cracked across the sky. I jumped. Seth asked me if I wanted to go home and I said "no." He took a double take and smiled as we headed back to the car. We decided it was time to go and visit Aurora and Elijah. It's beautiful this time of year at the Mausoleum. The reflecting pool in the front yard is filled with water, the flowers are blooming and it just seems extra peaceful. We went in to find Jade's 9 balloons for Aria. My heart fluttered to see them so perfectly put together next to their two angel statues. I saw the Sleeping Beauty figurine and I could feel my eyes getting wide. I felt like a child, so happy to know that my little girl was on someone's mind. Seth and I sat down and he asked me to sing. I did. I belted it out and with the echo in there, Heaven probably could here it. After that we just sat in silence, the same silence that was in the room 9 years ago. It was peaceful, yet somber. Both of us agreed we almost felt like we could have slept there, we were so comfortable. Normally when you think of graveyards, you think of spooky, but not this place. No, it has a quiet calmness you just can't explain. Fingerprints. When we wrapped up our quiet time, we left the light on like we always do. I think the caretakers know to leave the light on, we have never found them in the dark. When we stepped outside the sky was turning black. By now I'd be frantic at home gathering my emergency supplies (I've been through a lot of tornadoes) while rushing around to the nearest basement. Instead I just looked up and said, "hmmm a storm is rolling in." Seth asked me again if I wanted to go home, I again said "no." This by far was quite the miracle. As the storm rolled in and pounded on the car Seth and I giggled like two kids on the playground. We decided to stop and get a piece of pie. As we watched out the window and saw the wind and the rain blowing so hard that the car was going to blow away, I calmly sat and gazed lovingly into my husband's eyes as we reminisced about our beautiful girl that we one day will see in all of G-d's glory. Fingerprints. We ended up heading back to his Aunt's house and felt quite refreshed as the storm poured down on us. I felt as though G-d's hands were hovering right over us, leaving us oblivious to all that was going on around us. We pulled over to the side of the road and kept on talking waiting for the down pour to pass. I didn't feel even slightly anxious, just excited. When we got to his Aunt's house we went in to find our kids happily playing in the basement. Everything about yesterday turned out great. I was able to think about Aurora in a peaceful way. Normally in the past, I tend to feel guilty or angry about things not going right, but yesterday was as close to perfect as I could have asked for. The only that could have made it better, was having her here with us. When I came home I was able to post and have the words in my head fall to my fingertips and spill onto the computer to share. I found that many people that I haven't heard from in ages had left messages along with those who are in our daily lives, I felt an overwhelming surge of support. After all these years my dream had come true, our loved ones remember and said something. That is all I had ever wanted, for her to be remembered. Even if it was only for a moment out of the day, it meant so much to me. I found myself thanking G-d for each amazing fingerprint that He had left. I was in awe that He could take one simple prayer request and fulfill a longing dream that I have held in my heart for 9 years. These "little glimpses" may not see like a big deal to an outside eye, but to me, G-d knew they would make my day. Aurora Skye Nickerson's life was just as important as someone who had lived for 100 years. She was so innocent, so pure, so beautiful, and I am blessed enough to be her mother. Thanks be to our G-d.

Aurora Skye

9 years ago I was lying in a hospital bed. I remember waking up and being quite confused when it all came rushing back to me, Aurora had been born! My sweet beautiful daughter had been born at 3:15 in the morning ALIVE! They warned me she probably wouldn't be, but yet she was, or at least, she did. Our beautiful girl lived for an hour and a half. Minutes that are forever engraved in my mind. She was 3 pounds and 11 ounces, 16 1/2 inches long and so beautiful. Her fingernails were perfect little ovals, while a full head of hair adorned her 35 week gestational body. They had told us early on in the pregnancy that nothing was wrong, then that we'd miscarry, then she had no kidney's and would be born asleep. Yet there she was in my arms alive! Her little heart beating, as she let out two little cries and my heart skipped a beat. I started to wonder, maybe a she'd live after all! The family poured into the room to say hello and the whole room was abuzz. Seth and I proudly showed off the very first grand daughter on each side. Aurora Skye, our beauty. Throughout the 35 weeks that I carried her I was blessed to be tuned into every movement. She had zero amniotic fluid, so literally you could see her outline in my belly. I could easily find her head, stroke her back, and tickle her legs. She hated tight fitting clothes since there was no amniotic fluid to buffer the pressure. She knew when Seth would get home even before I did. I have fond memories of watching her on the ultrasound machine opening her mouth and responding to Seth's questions. She'd follow the direction of his voice, she was truly a Daddy's girl. I think she knew I was more relaxed when he was at home, and probably made her life so much more comfortable. She loved to eat sugary cereals, something I hate to eat to this day. Her last meal was Trix, Lucky Charms, and Sun Chips. I cried for years that I should have eaten a better meal that day, but I had no warning that she was going to come that day. There are so many happy memories I had while being pregnant with her. I think in my mind, I truly believed that she wasn't going to die. I didn't know how to prepare for it, nor did I truly understand the finality of it all. In a world of second chances, there would be none for her. So as I held her in my arms in the wee morning, as far as I had known, she'd be fine, right??? It was not to be. I realized that she was no longer alive in my arms and my heart shattered into pieces. I buried my face into her belly and sobbed. My little girl, all my dreams for her, all my love, and she was gone. Here I went from sheer elation to utter devastation. The family filed out and quietly said their goodbyes. I don't remember much except that I wanted to leave with her. My baby was all alone and she needed her Mama and I couldn't help her, at all. Digital cameras had just come out and we were so blessed that my Father in law had one. Most of our pictures were taken on a regular roll of film and so there weren't that many that came out. His on the other hand were great! I am still so grateful that he took all of those picture and even some video. It's priceless to us, more than anything we could imagine. The doctor made me take a sleep aid, I still am not sure why as I wasn't hysterical, in fact I was quite calm. Reluctantly I agreed. I remember waking up in another room. The room was long, narrow, and eerily quiet. There were no balloons, no pacifiers, and no screaming baby, just silence. As I wiped the sleep from my eyes I looked to the right to see Seth holding her swaddled in her blanket trying to keep her warm. He was whispering to her and stroking her little hand. The tears fell from my eyes as I had realized it wasn't a dream, this was real life. I remember before she was born they said we could hold her as long as we wanted to and I thought that was really gross (shows how immature I was). Why would I want to hold a dead baby? Yet here she was, perfect, and I didn't want to ever let her go. It just felt so natural snuggling her close and talking to her. We had bought her a special outfit that she was now wearing, a dress all white with a single rose. Never had I ever felt so whole as I did when I was with her and now she was leaving me. We sat with her for hours and tried to soak each moment in. There was one visitor that quickly came and went. Silence. So much, silence. Later the nurse came in with a packet full of papers on how to grieve and a picture of a leaf with a raindrop on it. I later found out it was on our door to signify that our baby had died and to keep quiet. Here we sat with what I thought was the most amazing baby girl ever, and yet there was no pink baby dresses, no pink bottles, no little diapers, nothing. Did she have Seth's dimples or my laugh? Gone. It was almost as if she had never happened. I didn't know how to process it. I wanted all those things for her, I had just had a baby, I wanted to have people fussing over who she looked like. Then came the time they came to take her. There is NO amount of preparation that can ever prepare you for you to leave your child, none. I felt as though I was abandoning her. I was her Mom, I couldn't leave her! The doctor came into the room and gave a few harsh words and left the room. I sobbed as I gave my little girl over and demanded that I be discharged if I couldn't be with her. I won't go into the details that followed, as they are only Seth's and mine to share. I felt sick. All I can say is I was in shock, for a very long time. I remember making the preparations for her memorial service and us having to decide to cremate her (I can't even tell you how upsetting that decision was). Decisions that were so painful, yet, what else could we do, but make them the best we could for her. I won't even go into the whole cremation as that is pain I still cannot share easily. Except that her ashes were placed into a Royal Dalton china doll, and heart shaped necklace for me, and a necklace for Seth. I felt better knowing that she was always close to my heart. After Elijah passed away, we decided to bury her ashes with Elijah. He now holds the china doll on his chest with Seth's necklace. I still wear her necklace around my neck. I don't plan to have another for the rest of my life. Aurora is so special to me, my first born. In having her and then losing her my whole outlook on life changed. I have always been a very opinionated person, but back then I was beyond bold. I said what was on my mind and had no consideration for others feelings. After having her my heart softened and I began to feel things that I had never felt before, deep compassion and empathy. I also used to make my mind up in flash and nothing could sway me, now I am about as indecisive as they come. I'll be honest, my confidence was shattered. I still struggle with this. Confidence is a wonderful thing, but sometimes I find that in being confident that sometimes you hurt other people's feelings. I am constantly aware that we can't take one day for granted. Where some might say what is on their minds and feel that whatever happens, happens. Me, I wonder if I might hurt someone's feelings and then they get killed in a car accident and that's how we left it. Morbid, I know. It's hard to explain, but I have found in my grief groups that others seem to know what I am saying. Mortality is real. So many times I find that the world wants us to have fun now, don't worry about what is to come, just do it! After a tragedy, you are left wondering, how did I get to be the one to survive and she didn't. How can I best live the life she'll never live and make a difference. For me, that is keeping the memory of our kids alive. It's about keeping our testimony out there. What seems like only horrible suffering and grieving, why would we want to keep living the memories over and over again. What some don't realize is, there is beauty in each tragedy. I am doing a Beth Moore bible study where she said something that knocked my socks off, she said "you can not amputate your history from your destiny." I find so often that after something earth shattering has happened to someone, they refuse to talk about it. They want to bury it and pretend it didn't happen, it's just to painful. I understand why some have to do this, but for ME, it isn't healthy. Life isn't a pretty package that is tied up in some neat bow. Life is messy. I find when you show others that it is okay to be broken that there comes healing. Jesus dying on the cross binds these wounds, but the scar is still there. Christianity sometimes comes off as an arrogant religion. You can't be a true believer if you aren't happy all the time. It isn't true!! G-d made us to have feelings and to be broken so that we can lean on HIM! We can't do anything without Him. So let's be real, let's cry, let's get angry, let's rejoice, let's dance, for G-d created us to feel and share with others to show, we need Him. So I grieved hard for each of my children that died. Maybe in the minds of others I took it to far, but I know I didn't. They are my children now and forever. They are every bit as on my mind as my living children and that I am glad hasn't changed. I can talk to others about them and share our story without shame and instead with gratefulness. No, I am not ashamed, I am honored to be the mother of so many beautiful children. So every June 21st, September 30th, and April 14th, I take those days and dedicate it to my little ones that for now I can not hold. I notice when someone goes out of their way not to say anything and it cuts me deep. I also notice when someone takes time out of their day to ask me how I am and I am eternally grateful. I have a friend who is like a sister to me. Her daughter was in the NICU with Eli. This week she drove quite a ways to the mausoleum to read Sleeping Beauty to Aurora, not once, but twice. If I had the choice between a shopping spree and that, I would pick that. I was speechless when she told me. I love it when people visit them, I don't know why, but I just do. Not only did she do that, but when we got there, there 9 pink balloons and an Aurora Figurine. I was so overjoyed I cannot even put it into words. She knows my heart and I am so blessed to have her in my life. This was above and beyond anything I could have ever asked for. I love you Jade!

So my Aurora would be 9. They say we'll see each other in the twinkle of an eye, so maybe she'll still be a baby when I get to Heaven, I don't know. I try and imagine who she'd be today. So many, would she this, does she have long hair, or how tall??? I don't know, but I do know that she is truly missed. I had a well meaning person that wondered if each year goes by we miss them less. No, I don't miss them less, I miss them more and that's okay. In my missing them I seek refuge in G-d's shelter. No one can take that pain away, but He gives me hope that I will see her again. I will... I will post more tomorrow on our miracle day today. It was an amazing Aurora Day and I can't wait to share it. I just saw G-d's fingerprints in all we did and it really makes me smile, but until then, here is a video of that remarkable day that I got to hold our little miracle.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRSlFtkXl8o

46 lives

It was 14 years to the month, that I lived in Iowa. My parents had just moved to Michigan for my Dad to pastor another church. I had just graduated high school and stayed back because I thought I had met the love of my life. All my life we had pets. We always had a dog, cats, fish, or birds and when my parents moved away, so did my pets. My whole life flipped upside down and I longed for a furry friend to cuddle. My roommate's boyfriend lived on a farm and where they had an abundance of outdoor cats. I really wanted one that looked and acted like my parents cat Chandar. When we came into the garage I saw a little dust bunny scurry on by, it was kitten that looked just like my parents cat! Immediately, I fell head over heals for the tiny kitten whose black and white stripped fur was so puffy yet not fully grown in. My sister ended up finding a kitten who was from a different litter, but the kitten that I had picked, his mother had become a wet nurse for him since his own Mom had abandoned him. We joyfully took the kittens back to my apartment and were so excited. When my sister informed her husband that she had gotten a kitten, he told her she couldn't keep it. Reluctantly, I kept him. I wasn't supposed to have cat in the first place, but couldn't take him back, so he joined his "brother" and stayed with me. I ended up naming my kitten Bangle. The reason I named him that was our other cat was named for a Bengal tiger in the Milwaukee Zoo, whose name was Chandar. Well, me being the sheer genius that I was, didn't realize I had misspelled his name. So Bangle became his name, although I toyed with idea of Monster, since he was a little batty. The kitten my sister had picked out was so docile. He had a blue gray color to him that gained him the name Indigo. It was funny that Indigo from the get go was so small but had a big voice. Bangle on the other hand was so big, bad, and tough, but couldn't meow to save his life. I had no idea how much work was in store for me. They were too young to be separated from their mother, so I had make them a formula out of baby food. They cried all night and needed so much attention, that I got the sleep of someone with a new born baby. Being that they were so little, to even litter train them was a task, since they were to short to crawl into the cat pan. Indigo ended up becoming my lovey. He was so sweet and easy to appease, where as Bangle acted like wild maniac, who was one taco short of a combo. I remember one time I was eating a Salisbury steak dinner when Bangle jumped into my dinner tray and ran off with my Salisbury steak that was literally bigger than him! Bangle was trouble! As he got bigger I'd find him in the bottom of the trash can in the morning, since he'd sneak into the trash to get scraps, but was to small to climb back out. So I'd find him day after day in the trash sleeping in licked out TV dinner trays (I was 18 and so that was basically my diet) without and remorse. Yep, he was not the brightest bulb in the bunch. I even made a strawberry cake with frosting one time, only to find kitty paw prints all over the cake. He didn't even eat it! He just went for a stroll and could have cared less!! So in the trash the cake went. I still fondly remember the both of them attempting to climb the couch, but getting stuck half way up the cushion. They were howling as they hadn't quite learned how to retract their claws and couldn't get back down. It was a sight! They were my first "babies." I loved them so much. They comforted and entertained me, they added joy to my life. After a year had gone by, the time came that my boyfriend and I broke up. Being that I was completely devastated, I needed a fresh start, and moving to another state seemed the best way to do it. So I moved to Michigan and moved back in with my parents, which for a stubborn girl like me, was irritatingly, very humbling. Thankfully, I had Indigo and Bangle to comfort me in bouts of crying and complete disillusionment. I felt like an utter failure in everything, but my cats still made me feel like at least I could do something right (to a non pet person this must sound nuts). It took me close to 3 months to finally come out of my room and rejoin society. In the mean time, debonair Indigo, in all his class, made himself at home with my parents 4 pets. He even came along side Chandar as his protege. We used to joke that Indigo would wear a Fedora and woo the ladies had he been human. Bangle on the other hand stuck to my room for close to a year. We joke that Bangle would be the wayward partying, pants hanging down his tush, hat to da back human. Still, they were my constant and faithful companions. Then a short time later I met Seth, who was not that excited about cats. As a matter of fact, when we first met, Bangle welcomed him to the family by peeing on Seth's North Face jacket. Let's just say, I couldn't believe he stuck around. Bangle quickly grew to like Seth especially when I moved in with my next room mate. Indigo adjusted nicely to my parents house, where as Bangle would throw a hissy fit any time he ran into any of the other pets. So when I moved out, Bangle was thrilled. With each major phase of our lives, my cats were there. Indigo especially was almost like a little therapist as he'd come and sit with me despite what mood I may have been in. Then came the births and deaths of our children. They seemed somber when we were and quietly padded to our sides while we grieved. Mya, our dog, joined the family after our apartment complex started on fire. Indigo welcomed her with open paws, while Bangle spazzed out to no end (he still doesn't like her). Indigo was the peace maker between the two and would settle the disputes between hyper active Mya and Crazy Bangle all with the flick of his tail. You could almost here Bangle thinking "sleep with one eye open Pup..." Indigo actually groomed Bangle and Mya. As a matter of fact, the vet said they had never seen a dog with such clean ears! Shortly after I found out I was pregnant with Eli, Indigo started to get sick. It ended up he had kidney disease, which we found out to be to much after Eli and Aurora were both diagnosed with kidneys. He almost died, and in my distress of all that was happening with our children, my family pooled resources to pay the vet to save him. Alas, he survived. I could go on and on about each time that they comforted us when we were in the deepest of despair, or made us laugh with their silly antics, they are little angels in furry bodies. Eli was especially fond of Bangle, probably because of his coloring. Mya would sit at his feet as the grand protector, but Bangle always caught his eye. My friend and I joke that Bangle only lasted as long as he has because Elijah liked him so much. After Eli passed away our pets were a part of our tiny inner circle. They never said anything stupid, they just listened and stayed by our sides. After I became pregnant with Isaiah, we noticed Indigo was having spells of uncontrollable jerking. We moved into our house and that seemed to be the final straw. He was falling down the cement stairs and couldn't stand to be petted, since it seemed to trigger seizures. After Isaiah was a couple of months old, we couldn't stand to see him suffer anymore. We had the vet come to our home, where we held him as he left this world. I was devastated, he was so charming and sweet and I still miss him to this day. We ended up burying him right in front of our flower bed in a hand crafted casket that Seth built for him. I have always loved animals and taken it hard when they died, but since the kids, it has made me ultra sensitive to death. My heart aches for anyone who has bury a loved one, even if they are a furry friend. Without Indigo to make peace anymore, Bangle unleashed his wrath on Mya any chance he could and still does. She just wants to play with him and seems to find it funny when he freaks out. Mya now mainly lives with my parents. She had a hard time adjusting to the kids and preferred the Nursing home to a Nursery. We always laugh that my parents are the retirement village for animals. Seriously, animals live forever in their house, they get treated so well. So Bangle now has full control of our home. He started to pee on our shoes about the time Aria was born. He rarely did it, except when he was angry. Anyone who has a cat knows they are fickle felines. They are quite independent and expect that you abide by their wishes. We have since bought vet approved food, cat nip to help him relax, change his litter frequently, everything the little buggar could need to live his kingly life. Seth is truly Bangle's favorite. Literally, as soon as the kids go to sleep, Bangle sits up by Seth's head and tries to groom Seth's hair. The funny this is, if Seth raises his voice anywhere in the house, Bangle will corner him and threaten him with deep guttural meows warning him (the cat has one fang and no claws, seriously he's no threat) to watch what he says. He's never once done it to me:) He loves the kids and they love him. I found Aria dragging him by the tail a couple of weeks ago while Bangle had this "why me?" look on his face. The funny thing was, he didn't try to run from her. Unfortunately Bangle is still peeing on the floor out on our back mud room. This is really hard because this is basically our entry door. I am a person who has a heightened sniffer, so cat pee and heat are a no go. Nothing more embarrassing then having people walk into our home to the wafting smell of ammonia. We had him checked out by the vet a year ago where they determined it's behavioral. Apparently, Bangle feels that he can leave a comment to anything he disapproves of. The final straw was him peeing on two pairs of Seth's shoes in one shot. Seth thought he was exempt from Bangles tyrannical reign, but alas, he was wrong. So we made the appt. after much threatening. This cat has escaped our death threats about 45 times, until Saturday. We finally made the appt., Seth dug the hole, he built him a casket, I wrote his epitaph all while we both tearfully asked Bangle "why!" Seth asked his parents to watch the kids while he went and did the deed. I cried at home feeling horrible, second guessing my selfish motives of having a non cat pee smelling back porch (although, I think it's not to much to ask!). So Seth got all the way there and talked to me on the phone while we spoke with tears in our eyes. They they informed Seth he couldn't be back there when they put him down. Seth called me back and asked me what to do. At almost the same time, we both said we couldn't do it. Relief spilled over my tear stained face as a smile broke out when I said, "bring him home." Seth told me he walked up to the receptionist and said "the Governor has granted to stay of execution (with a happy smile on his face), so we won't be needing your services." The lady wasn't amused. Seth called me and brainstormed about some new ideas how to help him stop his behavior. When Bangle got home I brought him in the house and petted him and told him he has to behave. Seriously the cat had no idea that he had escaped death by a few minutes. This cat has run through 46 lives. He has been granted one more chance. Sadly, I don't think it will be long before he uses up his pardon, but when he does, we felt better than one of us be by his side as he leaves this world. He may be neurotic but he's ours and we feel G-d wants us to treat our animals with kindness. As nutty as all this may sound, we are all he has ever known and we feel after all that he has been through with us, we owe it to him. I seriously have been praying to G-d to have him stop this behavioral stuff as really other than that, he's a great cat.

Quick Sand

I have had people who have noticed I haven't written in a long time. I only write when I feel inspired and as for the the last few months, NADA! We all have seasons of peaks and valleys, to put it bluntly, I hit the valley of quick sand. I do know what caused it, but like quick sand, the more I struggled, the more it pulled me in. Thankfully I have had an amazing support system. I have a terrific husband and really great friends that have just been there beyond anything I could have asked for. Not only were they there, but their inspiring, comforting, encouraging words enveloped me. I am so grateful, they will never know how much it meant to me. In all the wonderful human support, I felt that my relationship with G-d was lacking. I pretty much fell away when my Grandma died and decided to focus on other things and again, trying to control every aspect of my life (which is ridiculously impossible) so that everything might stay stable. I had a wonderful friend of mine point out, that G-d wired me in a way that I am only peaceful and joyful when I am truly connected with Him. I know this is how G-d wired all of us, but for me, I have to have that or else I spiral down. My anxiety came back with a vengeance after my Grandma died. I became constantly worried about everything and woke up with annoying panic attacks that were sapping my energy. I must say this time I did a bit better than ever as I forced myself to keep on going, instead of retreating like I used to. I made sure to take part in anything and everything I could possibly do to keep me on track, but the nights, oh the nights were awful! As night approached, I'd become increasingly anxious as I knew that it was time to sleep and I wouldn't be able to. I tried several things to sleep (including some natural remedies) but they seemed to make my body freak out even more. What should have been received in body as a calming affect, made me do the opposite, and panic. Of course being up all night just made grouchy the next morning and my poor kids had to deal with Godzilla any time they asked a question. Don't worry people, this gets better;) So in all my struggles I began to beg G-d to help me through, to get me back to where I need to be when I was challenged in a way that I had not expected. Most of you know that I am a Christian, but also that my heritage is Jewish. I have always felt so honored that I am of such beautiful lineage. I have never once denied it, in fact, I love talking about it. We were at my in laws house and got on the subject of being Kosher and I mostly forget all the details. When Seth's sister (whom I absolutely adore!) points out "well Kelly is Jewish." Now my dear sweet Jody was right (love ya Jody!)! But for some reason I blurted out, "I'm not Jewish!" In my brain I think, why did I just say that?? As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I finally for the first time in my life knew what it felt like to grieve the Holy Spirit. I felt as though 5,000 angels died at my horrid words. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I started to say, "I'm... I'm" and then my thought process came to a halt. I looked at Seth and said "I don't know, what am I?" Several family members went about their business, but a few tried to reassure me it was okay. I must have looked freaked out. Seth says to me, "Your Jewish and your Christian." Which Seth is right, Jody was right, why did the words even come out of my mouth! Apparently my impulse control was out of order! I have never denied who I am, so why then when it really wasn't even an issue. My sister in law was just stating a fact that I have been very open about. All I could think is that I spit in G-d's eye and that I must have hurt all those who had gone on before me. I know it sounds dramatic, but I really take my faith and heritage quite seriously. Seth than said, "if the Nazi's came, they'd come and take you." He's right. I have always had this pressing thought of, if someone came to my door and asked me if I believed in Jesus or else they'd kill me and my family, would I have the guts to be honest? Let's face it, genocide is still happening to this day, it could happen. I always thought I'd be honest, so this just shook me to my core. The ironic thing of all of this, is that night I was starting a new bible study, on Esther (insert shame). A book of the bible that doesn't name G-d once, yet a woman who puts her life on the line for her people, my people, the Jewish people. I felt sick and hypocritical. I just felt I was supposed to share with my Ladies and confess my feelings of shame. But after all my talking, I felt G-d saying, it's time to write. So here I am writing. In all my struggle, I have now set up things to keep me accountable. I am really excited to be studying the book of Esther with Beth Moore (which has the subtitle of It's hard being a woman!) She was speaking about all the insecurities and a time where she felt so distant from G-d. I know it is a study I truly belong in. I feel that G-d is calling me back and reaching out for me, and I gladly accept. I am planning on writing much more, as Seth has pointed out, it truly is my therapy. So there is much more than that but I have to say I am so grateful to my Lord, my husband and kids, my dear friends, my family, who love me through these ups and downs. I am determined to know G-d more, to share my story of imperfection and screw ups, to see the beauty in each moment, even when I am down. Besides, if we don't have storms, you can't have a rainbow. On a much lighter note Isaiah only has two more days of school left! Aria has is quickly becoming less and less of a toddler and more of that of a little girl (sniff, sniff). Seth is as usual Mr. Rogers, happy and wonderful to be around. You know as much as these last few months have been so difficult, I can truly appreciate moments like these, moments that are preparing me for the joy that is coming!!! Watch, pray, believe, and always be Amazed. Thank you Father!