A Day to Remember

6 years ago, like today, it was a Thursday, that our Elijah Praise left our broken world to live in paradise. Since he has passed, pretty much the whole month before April 14th, I fall into a deep depression. A couple of years ago, I really tried hard to not succumb for fear of being to depressing. This year, with the encouragement of many good friends and revelations from G-d, I felt it was okay to lament. If anything, the time before Resurrection Day is all about lamenting, so it is entirely appropriate. Of course my beloved Grandma passed away in March and we have been trying hard to pick up the pieces. Monday it hit me. I was listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's CD that he wrote for his daughter after she passed. Seth tends to make fun of me, as I still really only listen to the same CD's from the '80's mainly being Twila Paris or Amy Grant (hey, I don't have time to listen to the radio!) so I decided to pop a new CD in and give it a whirl. I was amazed of the depth of pain that Steven gets in touch with, pain I understand. It is not just music that he sings, but it's his heart, a broken one at that. I found myself standing in the kitchen gazing past the walls into pain that is in my heart. Not only that I couldn't rescue my little boy from pain or death, but the pain of emptiness that only his presence once filled. I have tried hard to toughen up and be able to talk about them without crying, so that others won't be afraid to ask about them. Tears scare a lot of folks, but matter of factness seems to draw them in. I want to talk about them, so I take a deep breath and speak, careful not to cry. The thing I try to convey to others is that whether your child is a miscarriage, stillborn, lives for a few days, months, years, they are still your child. There is no appropriate time for them to leave. Whether they fought a long illness or died suddenly, tragically, a loss is a loss, there is no appropriate time or preparedness that will ever prepare you, NEVER. Aurora expectantly died, and we were still shocked when she passes. Elijah, was a different case. We knew each day was a miracle, but you have to understand that he was approved for a kidney transplant the day before he died. I think the doctors had finally started to believe he was going to make it. All of us, including the staff, were in shock when he died. We love Eli and Rory just as much as Isaiah and Aria. I had some ask if Eli's death was worse that Aurora's since we didn't have her long. The answer is no. It was just different, you miss them for different reasons. As time goes by, I think we tend to feel that people have gotten over there loss of their child, but you don't. Just like losing a parent, spouse, or close friend, you ache, only it's a child. Children aren't supposed to go before their parents. Oh and Eli, my oh my, anyone who met him knew what a precious soul he was. I miss his vanilla cookie smell from his formula. I miss passing his meds. I miss taking his blood pressure as he screamed and hated it. I miss crying while waiting for him to get out of surgery. I miss doing his dialysis. I miss giving his shots. I miss rocking him. I miss praying for him. I miss changing his clothes and kissing his sweet face. I miss everything that had to do with him. Sounds kind of weird right? You miss seeing him get stuck with needles? I guess what I am saying is that it was apart of his regiment and if that's what I had to do to keep him here, selfishly, I would. Of course I wish G-d could send him back for a do over and for him to be perfectly healthy that would be ideal, but if it was the same situation, I'd take it, because I miss him. He was a beautiful soul. I felt so alive when I was with him. He made me fight for life and search for faith in G-d. His and Aurora's lives made us take stock in what really was important, our love and trust for our Lord. I cried earlier this week because I couldn't remember what he sounded like or felt like. This was devastating, how could I forget the very essence of my boy? Seth reminded me about some things and reassured me that we could watch his movies and that would help. Which brings us to today. It was a Thursday that he died and there is something so weird about having the similarity of the day. I woke up and just stared at the ceiling while I prayed. I had prayed the night before that G-d would give me a rainbow to let me know He had heard my prayers. I know it sounds silly, but I started to think about that when Isaiah yelled for me, like the end of the world was coming and I flew down the stairs only to have him say to me "Hey Mom, what are we going to watch today?" After I got done from almost having a heart attack, I set up a movie and told him that Aria was still asleep so we had to be quiet. I went upstairs and just sat on my bed. It was quiet, eerily quiet. Almost like the day after someone has died that you truly loved and so you feel like a zombie kind of quiet. I started to think of him, the joy hearing his little lamb cry when he was born when we didn't even know if his lungs would make it, to rocking him, all our silly nick naming and being just silly around him, to the dark moments. I remember the other day I went to a friends house and she has a 7 year old. He said to me "do you have a 7 year old I can play with?" I just looked at him and said "no honey, I wish I did." He went about his business and smiled, but me, it hit me that I should have a 6 1/2 year old to play with and he'd be a boy too. I started to imagine how tall he'd be, what he'd look like, his mannerisms. Elijah should be here. It's moments like that that take your breath away. After Aria woke up we trotted downstairs. I asked Isaiah if he wanted to go to school or stay with us for Eli's day. Surprisingly, he chose to stay home. He then asked to draw hands for a picture to take to Eli at Graceland. It never ceases to amaze me how much he grasps the concepts that I think might be to adult for him. I continued to get ready and decided to pull out some John Denver, Eli's favorite. I rarely listen anymore, I can't really give a reason why, but it felt good to hear his voice echo through our home again. Seth decided to take a half day so that we could make this a positive day, so the kids won't have a negative association with their names. We originally wanted to go to the Shed's Aquarium, but it just didn't work out. So we went with a restaurant lunch, a trip to the butterfly gardens, and a balloon, harmless enough right? Wrong. As soon as Seth got home we tried to upload a video to Facebook and it took FOREVER! Of course, Seth and I start to get snappy at each other which makes the kids act crazy and so on and so forth. Got it loaded, great. So we look at each other and sigh then laugh. Stress makes you feel crazy things. All the while Isaiah is asking me one question after another, while Aria is screaming because Isaiah walked within 6 feet of her, but then she wanted to hold his hand and he wouldn't but then tried to but she didn't want to, cue the high pitched chipmunk voiced scream, and sigh. I looked at Seth and thought, this isn't good. So we load them into the van and away we go. We put in John Denver and start to drive. Right away the kids are chattering away and Seth and I are trying hard to breathe. I start to ask questions about the day that he died. As we pull in downtown, right around the time that Eli had passed two, not one, but TWO ambulances go by. I felt my throat get tight. We both looked at each other. I don't know about Seth but my brain teleported back to our ambulance ride with Eli, just like a movie flash back. I started to feel sick. We continued to talk and decided to get something to eat. Of course each place that we check is jam packed and so we ended up in a different place than we had expected, fine. By now the kids have ants in their pants and they are starting to squawk like birds fighting for their territory. Oy. All the while I am reminding myself that 6 years ago we never thought we'd never be able to have kids again, so be I must be grateful. Come on Kelly be GRATEFUL!!! Okay, so I calm down and start to think they are cute again when I look at Seth. I haven't seen him look this down in years. I asked him what he was thinking and he responded the way I thought he would "I'm depressed. I miss him." Part of me was in shock as Seth tends to be, well Mr. Rogers. Always a smile on his face, Mr. Optimism. When Mr. Optimism doesn't look happy, you have a problem. So we went through the lunch as Isaiah decided to pretty much make loud abrupt noises for no reason. We have got to get out of here, I am thinking. Seth really wanted to take them to the butterfly gardens, so off we went. As we get there things seemed pretty good. The kids loved seeing all the butterflies, but then Isaiah started to dictate what and how we were going to do things. We corrected him and with each time, your patience is wearing thinner and thinner. We think, let's let them run outside, maybe that will help? At first all was fine that is until Isaiah decided to lick, yes lick a tree stump. Not only that but a tree stump many kids had sat on. Seth talks to him and reminds him that there is no need to do that. Only to turn around and what does he do? Yep, he licked it again. That's it bub, you are done! So of course he turns on the water works and Seth and I are baffled to try and understand how this boy can remember a whole documentary after just one viewing, but he can't remember what we tell him to do or not do. Grrrrrrr. It's Eli's day, must stay calm, so blessed to have children, many parents want one and we have so many..... Time to go kids and of course they voiced their opinions on how horrible and unjust we are to ruin their great fun even though the Gardens were closing. Time to go to the mausoleum. Isaiah says, "but I have to poop." You have got to be kidding me. Mister I take 45 minutes each time when the Gardens are closing! So we get into the car and away we go. Seth looks a bit pale and is hardly saying a word. We decide to pick up a balloon. We stop at the store and we run in. I ask for the balloon book and the woman asks if I need any help. I told her no thanks and began my search. What would a 6 1/2 year old like. As I am flipping through she asks me what I am looking for. I stopped to think of how to say this, as now I am more guarded on when I speak about the kids. I just said, "I just need something to take to the cemetery for my son." Her eyes are huge and I wonder if I have scarred her for life. I just whispered and smiled, "it's okay." She looked so sad and walked away. I started to panic. What do 6 year olds like, what kind of a Mom am I that I don't know? How could I not know? I wanted to cry but then settled on a frog. She came back and I asked "would this be okay for a 6 year old boy?" She smiled and said yes. I felt a little better. Then as I closed the book I saw a gecko. I asked her if that was better and she said it was more colorful. I said, "I'll take it!" As she went to go blow it up I meandered around and got a couple of items, when I saw her talking to co-worker. I could tell she was repeating my story. I started to get embarrassed. The young man walks up to me and checks out my items. I said, "I also have that balloon." He looks at me and says "You are not paying for that balloon." I told him "no really! It's okay." He looked at me and says "no, you are not paying for this balloon." Tears started to fill my eyes. I know it may not seem like much, but that meant so much to me and I thanked them. He just walked away. So I go out to the car, completely stunned and told Seth the story. I then looked at the gecko and noticed that it was rainbow colored. I looked at Seth and said "I think G-d just gave me my rainbow. Seth got tears in his eyes and we just smiled at each other. Normally when we go, the kids are quite eager, but remember that they just played outside and well, they are getting tired and restless. Our Mausoleum echos quite a bit, so each sound you make reverberates off the walls and feels like if loud enough, could wake the dead. I reminded them that we had to be quiet and they agreed. Yeah, that lasted all of 45 seconds. They started to stomp around and try and attack the gecko balloon that did nothing to hurt anyone. We tried hard to shift them around which only got Aria angrier. Seth and I decided to sing, as that is what we do there. Aria starts screaming "NO, STOP SINGING!" Over and over like the wicked witch of the west when she is melting at the end of the Wizard of Oz. Isaiah is stomping but calling it "dancing" while Seth and I now have steam coming out of our ears. I pick up Aria and take her to the chair, after giving her countless warnings about yelling and give her a spanking (just one). Yep, I spanked my child in a Mausoleum right in front of her brother and sister's grave. I think I might have broken a commandment. I think in my head, who would have ever thought that 6 years to the day, that I'd be spanking Eli's sister in front of his grave!? Seth and I try to continue with singing and have a moment, but Nooooooo! I looked at Seth and thought "it's time to admit defeat." He looks at me in agreement, and we leave. We load everyone up while each parent goes in separately to have some time alone. Seth comes up to me and says, "Eli's birthday will be the fun day, but this date will be our time. Next year we'll go to Traverse City, ALONE." We both just hugged each other while whispering how much we missed him. As we started to drive away we both looked like we had been through the wringer, I said "you know, when you think about it, we can look back on this day and laugh. It was so ridiculous that we have to laugh." That seemed to lighten the mood. Seth still looked so sad, and I knew it was his time to be just that. When we got home we gave the kids some butterfly wings to wear that were in honor of "Eli's heavenly date." They fluttered around and I couldn't help but think of Aurora and Eli, do they have wings in Heaven? Our Mr. Buddy Buddy Pants, Punky Pants, Peeker Squeeker, Mr. Magoo who for 6 1/2 beautiful months, gave us a gift to last a lifetime. Where our marriage should have fallen apart, we were strengthened. Not because it was easy, but because we had to. G-d molded us into one person. He poured His grace upon us and Elijah. Now that Eli is no longer with us and our hearts will always ache with his presence missing, yet we can't deny that we are better because of his little life. So we lift our hands in praise to the Lord of Heaven and Earth and thank Him, for what satan tried to turn into evil, G-d turned it into something more beautiful than we can even comprehend. Eternity, I look forward to it.