A Dream

The sun is out and it is another glorious day! I know it is only February and there is probably more snow on the horizon, but I love it when we get glimpses of spring (my favorite season!). Something about the sun being out, it just helps you wake up in a great mood and seems to give me the energy I sometimes lack. I'll first start with a quick update on the kids. They are doing great! I think they both have grown a couple of inches and they seem to be losing their baby chubbiness:( The other day, I put Aria in a shirt and jeans. Her hair is getting quite long, and I left it down. From a distance, I felt like I got to catch a glimpse of what she might look like when she gets older. It kind of freaked me out how grown up she looked. They both are growing so fast. When we sit at the table to eat, they now tell knock knock jokes. Aria's favorite is "Knock knock, whose there? Orange? Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say b'nana!" They both start laughing uncontrollably as they repeat it over and over again. I can't help but laugh, even hearing it for the 12th time that day. There's another one Isaiah says with soup, but I have no idea what he says at the end. They both think it is hysterical, so that is all that counts. Isaiah has been approved for regular ole kindergarten. They said they'll check on him from time to time, but don't see the need for special needs services any longer. I am really excited, but a little wary, so we are carefully investigating everything to make sure he is prepared. We have to constantly coach him in social situations and each time he seems to be picking up on things quicker, for that we praise the Lord! He is very excited and is still very interested in animals of all kinds, though he still favors the arctic animals. Aria can now identify all the planets and loves using Isaiah's old flash cards. It is hilarious because if she doesn't remember one, she'll snatch the card and read the back of it, then give me an answer. She loves to dress up and seems to be very girly with a hint of dynamite. Her vocabulary is expanding every day and she surprises me with a "I ha' no idea?" when I ask her where something is. The biggest thing we have been working on is forgiveness. They love to play together, which always leads to somebody getting into a tiff. You'll here, "I sorry Saya, do you fo'give me?" And he'll reply back. A couple of times Isaiah has asked her for forgiveness and in the sassiest tone you have ever heard she'll say, "NO SAYA, I NOT FO'GIVE YOU!" Isaiah gets all in a tizzy and demands that she accept his apology and the whole thing escalates only to find a couple of minutes later them playing happily. I'm telling you, adults can really learn from kids. They are quick to anger, but quick to forgive, and they never really seem to remember what they were mad about. G-d has been showing me so much, just by observing my little ones. Aria is still quite assertive, but very into learning everything. She loves to watch me do something, and picks it up in no time. Isaiah still likes to learn on his own. They are both so very different. As for Aria's blood test, we did get a call back from the doctor's office and they found that her blood cells were abnormally shaped? They have requested a redraw and I think we are going to do it sometime this week or early next. So that's about it there. As for me, it's been an interesting journey. I haven't slept well since July. Ever since I was a kid I commonly have nightmares, most involve snakes, tornado's, falling off of bridges, being eaten by a shark, and my least favorite, losing teeth. Most of the time I have them when turmoil is in my life. Dreams for me reflect a pretty good portion of how I am feeling. Last night I had a very interesting one. I am writing this mainly for my records as it's spoke volumes to me. It was kind of weird because most dreams fade by the minute from the time you wake up, this one seemed to be magnified each hour that I thought about it. Seth and I were driving to the beach. When we got there is was a huge beach with lots of access, something not to common in MI. I was surprised as it was so inviting, but noticed that the waves were huge and it wasn't safe. I found myself still tempted to want to go in, but realized that I shouldn't go in, in fact I shouldn't even stay and watch. I found myself feeling kind of sad, as I found such familiarity and comfort in the beach, yet I knew it would only end in something bad happening. I looked to Seth and without saying a word we prepared to leave. I realized we were driving and the car was driving in the sand. I remember thinking it was strange that as we drove away the car didn't get stuck in the sand, in fact it actually drove perfectly smoothly as if we were on a paved road. I am pretty sure the car was representation of G-d's protection. We drove away with a feeling of sadness, but completely unscathed. When I woke up, I found myself thinking about the dream more and more and then I think I got it. Some I will keep to myself, but the good portion of it I will share. So much of my life is done out of habit, whether it be healthy or not healthy. Often I respond out of what seems right at the time without thinking about the full picture. I felt as though it was showing me I was becoming more and more cautious. That even though something looked inviting, it might not necessarily be safe. I have been praying every day for G-d to give me wisdom and understanding and I feel He is truly answering my prayers. He is freeing me from bondage that has so held me down and controlled my life. I still feel the urges to do what I used to do, on a minute by minute basis, only now, I feel that He is helping me have much more self control. I have even noticed it in my parenting. Usually when the kids would do something that bothered me, I would just react right away in anger or frustration. Now when they spaz out, I find myself taking a deep breath (still frustrated under the surface) and being able to calmly handle the situation. Isaiah has really responded to this and it has really improved our relationship by leaps and bounds. I find myself being able to be more playful and yet still being the parent in the situation. The best part is now with money. We used to walk into a store and buy this or that and walk out wondering how on earth we just spent $50 on two bags of stuff. Now I know I can't go to the mall or a store and just wander around. I have to have a list, and if I don't have one, I don't go. I wouldn't say the urges aren't still there. I so badly want to paint the rooms in our house or replace this or that, but instead I know right now I can't. The funny thing is, I'm not too bothered by it. The other thing I am learning about is being happy for others. I have two terrible buddies called jealousy and envy, that like to show up whenever I least expect it. It isn't that I don't like seeing good things happen to other people, it's just that I want it too! Since then I have been confronted with a couple of situations where I wanted to go there. As soon as I started to think, well I want that and.... I felt something inside of me say, "ahem, you are doing it again, is this really how you want to respond?" I must say, I literally felt like I was in a wrestling match with my soul. I called Seth and started to cry "why am I doing this?" He reminded me I needed to go and pray. Normally I would have seen it as a cop out answer, but immediately I knew he was right. He prayed with me and I started to calm down. I was more upset about feeling the way I was feeling than the actual situation at hand. With G-d's grace in a matter of a few hours I was actually able to feel great, not only for the people, but also content for what we have been so fortunate to be blessed with. After it was said and done, I felt so silly to think I ever even really had those thoughts. I am really finding that if you seek G-d, He truly answers. Sometimes in ways you'd hope for and some not, either way, He is with me. I am taking off the veil of fear and it is an amazing feeling. Less and less I am feeling that if something good is happening that something bad is on the horizon. Instead I am learning to just be happy when I feel happy and nothing more than that. I felt like I have walked around with a storm cloud over my head for so long that I might as well have been named Stormy smurf! Now, I feel the sunshine on my face and even when it starts to storm, I have an umbrella to protect me. All these years I thought I was so smart, only to find pride. He is restoring my broken self moment by moment and I am starting to feel what it feels like to be whole.

"Choose my knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her." Proverbs 8:10-11

Wisdom and Understanding

So I kind of left a little cliff hanger about what was going on. I must say, G-d is really "cleaning house," in our lives. Ever since last October, when I was able to go on the retreat, my life has been steadily changing. The biggest thing, I kept on feeling Him say was, "Trust." Since then He has added two more words, "Restoration and Courage." I never in a million years would have thought three words could speak to me so much. I wouldn't say it's been an easy trek, in fact, I never know from day to day the way things are going to go. I still have ups and downs, only this time, I cling to Him. I am learning to let go of relying on people to be my strength (talk about pressure you can't live up to!), instead relying on G-d (who I should have gone to in the first place). I was having a particularly frustrating day last week. I was speaking with a friend and when she said a phrase that cracked me up and yet spoke so true, "before you go to the phone, go to the throne." It sounds so simple, almost to simple, yet very true. As you know, I am not a person that has much patience. I think that has been the very essence of why it is so hard for me to trust G-d in the past, to wait.... Ugh. But I want/need it now! Whether it be an answer I am waiting on, an item I need to buy, I hate waiting! Since October, I have met a slew of amazing people (some new friends, some old) that have given me much to think about. I truly believe G-d has brought them into my life to help me move onto the next phase of our life. I have since rejoined a bible study. These women, let me tell you, well they are just so wonderful. Not only that, but we are doing a bible study on Daniel by Beth Moore. I think I have already mentioned this, but I had no idea how much G-d would speak to me through a story I had almost grown stale to. It has made me so aware of how the enemy really does go prowling around like a lion, waiting to steal, kill, and destroy. Babylon? That's a story from the bible, is what I always thought. Now my eyes have been opened to our present day Babylon. I have always struggled with not feeling like I was enough. I wasn't tall enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. You get the picture. I never realized how much the commercials on TV try and convince you that this shirt, soap, car, plastic surgery, and so many more will make you blissfully happy. Funny how they use the fruits of the spirit in a car commercial. "This is joy you have been waiting for!!!" Then it's normally followed by a credit card commercial, where it triggers your mind to think, be happy now, I'll pay for it later. Oooh how to true, I will pay for it later, with interest! Ever since having my kids, I am no longer the size I once was. Okay, you want to hear some ugly truth? I actually started avoiding going places and getting together because I was so self conscious of the way I looked! How self indulgent and stupid of me!! I realize, how can I expect my daughter to not worry about such foolish things if her Mom is always talking about it! Yes, there are health issues you have to be aware of, and sometimes it's fun to set a goal, but when it becomes an obsession, you know you have crossed into enemy territory. So now Seth and I are really reevaluating every thing we do, every thought we have, and no longer being impulsive all the way down to something as simple as tooth paste. Want to hear another silly story? Yesterday we were at the store in the personal effects aisle when I spot citrus toothpaste! Oh how I have had a love affair with orange toothpaste. It takes me back to when I was a kid and it really stands out in my mind for some odd reason. It was only $2.14, no biggie right? I gotta have it! It'll make brushing more fun! Immediately I started to try and get Seth on board. I was so excited, I looked like a chihuahua that just got it's yummy hamburger. I wagged my tail, panted, and yes drooled a bit. Over tooth paste (yes, I am a simpleton). I feel so stupid even as I say it now. As I ran through my coupon pile, I was saddened to not find one and realized it was not to be. My thoughts started to say "but Kelly, it's only $2.14! It's not big deal." Then I realized I was being tempted not by diamonds, not by a house on the beach, but by toothpaste! That tricky devil weaves his greedy little ways even into something as trivial as that. I believe G-d brought to mind how many $2.14 items have added up through out the years and how I have forgotten about it in the household a few days later. Wisdom and impulsiveness do not go hand in hand, as I have found out. As much as it bums me out that my spending days are over, (especially when I have had a bad day) I know in the end, it'll be better for my family. It's amazing how the enemy always is trying to convince you that you need more, you deserve it, that everyone will like you better if... IF..... Oh how blind I have been. The lies that I have believed. I am trying to look on my past beliefs and behaviors not with regret and guilt. I refuse to give satan that strong hold. Instead, I will use it for a learning experience of what not to do. Self-control doesn't mean I have to live a boring life, it just means I have to pray about it, and really give it some time before I act. I admit, I have prayed so much for G-d to help us to make more money, that if we just had a little more, we'd be better off. Instead I am realizing it is wisdom that I crave. It's priceless. It is nothing you can buy, it is only something that you can seek, and once you have it, no one can take it away. When I lie on my death bed, I want to be surrounded with the ones I love, knowing where I am going, to be with my Father in heaven. My clothing, house, jewelery, food, new wall fixtures, tooth paste!! None of that will go with me. After having two children die, you learn quickly that it is life that really matters. Like all people, we get tempted. With sadness, I like to buy something or go somewhere special. It feels good for a short time, but then the sadness will return. It is G-d that I need to fill up that empty feeling. He is the only one who can give me the strength to deal with my trials in all aspects of this world. I have also learned the more I try to follow closely to G-d, the harder my life is becoming. Last week, it seemed to be one thing after another, each thing topping the next. I started to freak out (cause that's what I used to do) when I felt G-d saying, "trust me." Some of the issues were resolved in a miraculous way and some are still on hold, and I am beginning to be okay with that. I always used to hear people say, "I wait on the Lord before doing anything." I admit it, I thought they were off their rocker, or that it was a cop out. Now I realize, it really is something to live by. To remind myself of this simple, yet difficult to live out lesson I remind myself of the an old song I learned as child (it all seems to go back to our child hood, eh?)

Oh be careful little ears what you hear...
Oh be careful little eyes what you see...
Oh be careful little tongue what you say...
Cause the Father up above is looking down below, Oh.....

These are warnings of wisdom. Makes me wonder, if the whole world would abide by this simple song, how different would it be?? To often I find myself sharing a story that really didn't need to be shared. Just by reading Daniel, I have become aware of the things on TV, and really 90% of it goes against everything the bible teaches us, yet I had become numb to it, after all it's just TV? This has been a hard step. TV has always been my comfort. Bad day, just watch an old re-run. Now I am realizing how bombarded by things we really are. I don't mean to get preachy, instead I write this today to remind me of what I have learned. It's hard when you live in such a fast paced society, you can't escape all these things, so how do you keep on going without getting sucked in? This is the challenge. With knowledge comes challenges. I know these things now, now the challenge is, can I accept and follow through? My dear friends, would you believe this is just the tip of the iceberg? I actually have another thing to chat about, but I am afraid this entry might be a little to long. What do you think? What is your Babylon??