The Results Are In

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, as I have done terribly staying current. For those of you who are still reading, here is the scoop! After of a week of a steady stream of tantrums and restless nights, I finally contacted the Pediatrician. Seth felt that it would ease our minds as Ms. Thang has been getting away with murder. I am pretty strict with our kids, but with the fever from last month and all, I was hesitant. I was concerned that if something was wrong, I'd regret disciplining her so much. I called the doctor yesterday after canceling two playdates due to the lack of sleep and emotional patience. He insisted it was time to rule out with the blood work. At first I was going to have Seth go alone, as I really didn't want to go down to the lab where we had sat many a time with Eli. I have found visiting places like that bring back huge floods of memories. Some are good, but a lot aren't. After speaking to my very dear friend, who is like a sister to me, and encouraging her that G-d hasn't given her a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound mind. Her daughter is going through a lot right now and I can hear the fear in her voice and I so badly wanted to comfort and encourage her. After I had hung up the phone, I felt G-d speaking to me saying "Um Kelly, you need to practice what you preach. It's time to face another fear down." I wanted to say, but Lord! I have been. I have been going to play area's with the kids, not using hand sanitizer for every little thing, and even turning a blind eye when Aria eats food off our floor!!! Not this! Earlier this week we were a part of an amazing thing. It's kind of hard to explain, but we learned so much about not living in the chains of bondage. Going to the lab, was a part of this bondage. If you have ever met someone who has been through something traumatic, you may find that they will avoid certain places, foods, clothing, etc. anything that might remind them of what happened. Of course you know that by engaging in these things aren't going to bring bad things upon you, it's just the memories are to hard to relive. It's difficult with Elijah as his life went hand in hand with the good and the bad. Seeing his sweet little face and all that he over came. His life was so miraculous and his personality was so gentle. Then there is all the pain the little guy had to go through. Sometimes I get those horrible thoughts that my selfishness in wanting a child put him through so much unnecessary pain. Then G-d reminds me that is was HE that allowed Elijah to live. Elijah's life had a great purpose in those short 6 1/2 amazing months. He touched so many people, and Seth and I bonded so tightly in that time. His life is still touching people's lives to this day. Well, you have heard me say this a million times. Anyways, it was time to go down there. It turned out we had less time to get down there than we thought. We had to get there quickly as it was about to close, and in we went. As soon as we opened the door the memories flooded back. I remember us pushing him in his green Graco stroller with his jungle themed pattern on his car seat. He was tucked in with a sleeper (almost always) and his Carter's white bear snow suit. Of course, I had the canopy closed to keep him from getting exposed (Doctor's orders) and racing through the halls to get him to clinic. I almost felt like I was watching myself in movie fashion. I saw me running by with him without giving anyone a glance, steadfast on getting to where we needed to go. While haunting, it almost made me feel, I don't know how to put it into words. We got to the lab and there were a couple of kids in line. They remodeled how it looked slightly, so it was kind of strange. We ended up talking to a couple that was pregnant who were sitting across from us. We chit chatted and I asked her when she was due, "April 14th." Being that it was Eli's death date, I almost felt my breath being taken away. I just smiled. I didn't know whether to laugh or burst into tears. It's amazing after all this time and it still hits me unexpectedly. It was Aria's turn and of course she sobbed, that is until they showed her the "disco ball" band aid, as Seth and I like to call it. Then her sobs slowed to a giggle and an "oooh pretty!" Of course they let both of them pick out a toy out of the treasure box and that seemed to make their day. I'm glad I did it. It was important to stare fear down in the face and say "You can't control me anymore!" Seth and I found ourselves reminiscing about Eli on and of for the rest of the night. We laughed and thought of him with joy as we recounted all of his many silly nick names. Heaven is going to be super sweet to see Aurora and Eli's faces again. I'm gonna smother them in kisses. I wonder if people who haven't traveled a road similar to ours even realize how much they are still always on our minds. I need to go out to the mausoleum and put my hand on their names, it just makes me feel so close that they are just on the other side... Well, back to Aria. The little stinker has been giving us a run for our money. I called this morning to get the results and they finally came in. I am happy to announce that I am the Mommy of a determined 2 1/2 year old. Yep, everything is fine!!! I called Seth at work to let him know and his response was "Praise G-d!" Followed by something to the effect of, now we can discipline her with out worry, but in different words. Do I regret doing it? Nope! Everything seems to happen for a reason. In this case, we can finally without guilt, take care of Little Lady's saucy attitude, and I faced a fear I have been avoiding for 6 years. I feel FREE!! I feel the chains of bondage falling off my wrists and the fear is melting away. Sure, we still have a lot going on, but we must Praise G-d for the small things in life to see his finger prints in all that we do. I truly believe that we are so easily sucked into the worldy ways, feeling that this is normal. Hurry here, run there, buy this, buy that, what do they think of me, how do I look, what if I am never successful, I wish I had that, what about me??? When it really should be, Lord lead me, this life is not my own, I want to live for you. It doesn't matter what we have on the outside, designer clothes, fancy this or that, it's our hearts that matter. Where did all this come from? Well, dear friend, I'll just have to save that for another post;) Watch, Pray, Believe, and be ever so Amazed. Thanks be to you my Lord!