Restoration

Restoration, G-d seems to have placed this word on my heart to represent this next coming year. I am determined to truly place G-d first and foremost in my life. This is something I have tried to do. But me, being the control freak that I am, I tend to get impatient and lose my focus and get frustrated. I have hidden away long enough and it's time to come out of my shell again. My season of hiding is over. I believe we go through so many seasons in our life, each bring such a deep meaningful purpose. Some seasons even seem to repeat, but it all leads back to our relationship with G-d. For so long now, I have put my feelings and expectations on the people in my life. Instead of stopping and praying for G-d to lead me, I try and take over by finding someone to help me. I have always been terribly impatient, so I need the instant gratification of getting the answer I want, right away. I am not saying it's a bad thing to rely on others, but it is a bad thing when you don't even think to take the time out to seek council from the one who created me and knows my every need and thought. On top of that, it puts a terrible burden on others who feel that I might be relying to much on them, when they are just trying to live their life too. The great thing about being a child of G-d, is we always get another chance, and I am taking it! My heart has been hardened for fear of being hurt and I have hidden myself away. I really wanted to get into this one particular bible study this year (through our church) and ended up missing the date to register because of anxiety. I was so mad at myself and figured that I'd just have to wait until next September. It turns out I was able to go to my very much needed retreat, which really has set my foundation for seeking out G-d. It's been a great kick start and on top of that, I have met some really fabulous women that have inspired me beyond anything I ever expected. As all children of G-d, we have our ups and downs, and last week I was a bit down. I spoke with a woman who told me to read this particular book, she kept on saying "this will change your life!" So I did it (pretty skeptically, I admit) and continued on with my day. I prayed to G-d to just show me what to do next. I looked around and there was no Angel in gleaming white saying "Kelly, this is what you are supposed to do next..", so I sighed and figured "what was the point," and went about my day. Seth and I had a night out and we decided to stop by the library (I know, we are such party animals) when I felt a tap on my arm. I turned around to see one of the women from a bible study I had attended a while back. She asked me if I was going this Sunday. I had already figured this one had started as well (I don't like to join things that are already in progress, I think it was from all my childhood moving) and I'd just let it go. She ended up informing me it hadn't and that I should come. I don't think I have ever ran out and bought a book so fast. I truly believe G-d sent her. I was a little nervous about going. All I could hear was the enemy's voice saying (not audibly mind you) "you don't belong there. These women have got it together and you don't. Your going to look like a fool.." When I walked in the door, I was embraced by friends and welcomed as though I had never left. Not only that, but after watching the video by Beth Moore for Daniel, there was no doubt in my mind it was where I belonged. I ended up talking to a wonderful friend who is going through so much in her life. She has no idea what she means to me. When she speaks, you listen! What she doesn't know is that me praying for her son and seeing her heart, is what renewed my faith in the Lord. I was in awe of all that she had to say and I feel like I could listen to her talk for hours. As I prayed earlier in the day and asked G-d some questions, she answered without knowing what I had prayed for. I was stunned that G-d had so quickly answered me. I always hear people saying "G-d said to me..." and I am thinking, "did you hear a voice? If not, how do you know it's him?" I have only had Him speak to us 2 times before that I recognized, and that was deciding when to get pregnant with Aria and Isaiah. As I am learning, HE has been speaking to me all along, I just didn't notice. I was to busy listening to the enemies lies. I have felt so lost and when all along HE really was right there, I was just oblivious to his messages. After I left the bible study, I felt him say, "I am going to restore you." I really didn't think much of it, but then last night He solidified it in me. I went to a connection meeting from my church and I had shown up late. The old me, due to anxiety, if I am late, I won't go. I get so flustered and embarrassed that I chicken out, and I end up missing out on things. This time, I was determined to get there. I admit, my heart started to race as I opened the door and I have close to 20 women staring at me (I only knew 3 of them) and I wanted to RUN! By the grace of G-d, he gave me the courage to sit down and boy am I glad I did. As I am listening to all the women tell their stories, I kept on hearing "restoration." Sure enough, it was my time to speak. A great mentor of mine looks at me and asks what my goal for 2011 is, and I knew without a doubt "this is my season for restoration!" To make things better, I unexpectedly was led to a friend I had years ago and we were able to mend a relationship we didn't even know was broken! That in itself is a long story, but it sure felt freeing. I have been wary of forming relationships as I am afraid I'll fail and disappoint my friends. Let me tell you, it is no way to live and definitely a lie from the enemy (I never thought I'd ever talk like this). Relationships change like the seasons, some come and go, some stay, and some even break. Either way, you learn from each other. We were made for community, not to be isolated. Praise the Lord for hope and wisdom! I feel like He is going to have me mend my wounds and it is long over due. I tend to move slowly, but something tells me I better brace myself. I have decided to follow His words, no matter how ridiculous I think I might look. I am pretty excited. Better to look like a fool for G-d than be a fool for myself. So I am sure this should be an interesting year. He has already brought so many people into my life, some new, some old and I am loving it. I am trying to shed my worry of people liking me, and focusing on G-d loves me for who I am. I do have other work to do. My cholesterol is awful and I found out from my doctor that I have to change things around, so I am trying now how to approach this. I really want to join our YMCA and now a friend of mine works there. In the last 2 months Seth and I have been trying to figure out how to swing it. It's just down the street and right next door to our church, so it's be the perfect opportunity. The other thing is that Isaiah's doctor has been encouraging us to increase his physical exercise. He gets so hyper focused on his passion that he misses out on other experiences. Since he has been in gymnastics we have noticed a huge burst of physical energy in him (send some my way Sonny Boy!) and he actually is gaining self confidence and trying! The more settings we have for him, the more this will flourish. So we are praying about that as I already checked into the financial aspect and even with a discount, I don't think we can do it. We are still watching Aria. It seemed after people prayed over her on Sunday, on Monday her fever came down. I really don't want her to have unnecessary blood work done if she doesn't need it (look how far I've come!) we are monitoring her for the rest of the week, but so far so good! So we are placing that into G-d's hands as well. For the first time in my life I am busy and loving it! Almost every night I have been able to be with new or old friends and it has really lifted my spirits. I am trying hard to stay true who G-d made me to be and not what I think people want me to be. There is beauty in each day. Instead of trying to grasp onto what I wish I had, I am going to be joyful for what I already do have. If that means me pretending to be a Mama Harp Seal with Isaiah (who is my baby harp seal pup (His words not mine) on an ice floe searching for predators, or playing princess dress up with Aria while hiding from "monstews" that so be it.

Ezekiel 36:26 "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from your hear your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."
I think this may be my new life verse.

I feel alive and it is contagious!! Let the restoration begin!! This one is for you Lord!