When you believe in miracles...

I come to you tonight with such a joyful heart! Thank you to all who have prayed on our behalf. We met with two doctors today, for Isaiah. It was at the Autism clinic at Devos. I was so nervous and wondered if we were throwing $500 down the drain, just to feel better. Instead G-d, my wonderful Father of Heaven and Earth, answered our prayers. I could go into every detail, but then I'd have a novel to publish. Instead, I'll try to condense it as much as possible. First of all, Isaiah was on his best behavior. You see, when Isaiah is good, he is the most golden child you could ever meet. He is polite, sweet, funny, and has a belly laugh to melt even the biggest Grinch's heart. We met first with a doctor, who gave us nothing but props on being great parents to a great child. I listed all the issues that we have been having, and he actually responded with ANSWERS!!! The place we'd previously been too, in my mind hadn't gave us one thing to hang on to. Except the worst. This place was actually baffled at his behavior. By this I mean, he is incredibly intelligent, sweet, and stubborn. They asked me what I thought of the diagnosis, I replied in my not so subtle personality, "it's crap. He's just so smart he's pulling one over on us." He then asked Seth, where he filled them in on his point of view. He basically said that he agreed more with me. Not to say, he doesn't have certain characteristic's of autism. But that it wasn't a matter if, he'd get better, but when. My heart melted. He then went on to explain that most genetics are hard wired before being born. Only 10% is due to environment, unless severely abused. I explained I had sheltered him for fear of him dying, and he laughed and reassured me, I probably had nothing to do with the situation. This is just who he is, super intelligent, stubborn, and strong willed. I could go on and on with the visit, but all in all, I fell in love with him all over again. I think I had pushed myself away from him, to protect us from pain. Now I can love him the way I have so dearly wanted to. They typed him as a CEO personality, that he is going to go extremely far in life. He's a leader. Oh my, there is so much else I have to say, but my mind is reeling. Praise G-d, we have hope. They gave us pamphlets to help us in the meantime, waiting for the paperwork. We got more done today, then in the last year. Praise the Lord! I have my boy back, and I love him so much!!

PRAYERS!

Hey all! If I could get you to say some prayers for us today, that'd be awesome. We have Isaiah's appt. with this new doctor for his PDD-NOS. This first appt. is a re-evaluation. I am not really expecting a different diagnosis, instead we are hoping that they can give us tangible tools to work with him. Also, maybe some suggestions for some type of aid, as our insurance doesn't want to pay very much. It's very expensive treatment and they tend to want to have him seen once if not several times a week. Today they will meet with us and then a week from now they'll give us their report. So... I am praying we get help as soon as they can.

Bus Driver

So yesterday turned out to be quite interesting. In the morning, Isaiah did great getting off to school. Normally, we run into some type of confrontation, but not yesterday. So as I begrudgingly did my bills and made my Monday calls, well I was none the wiser. As Isaiah happily jumped off the school bus, his driver looks at me and says, "Isaiah was acting a fool." I stood there dumbfounded. She went on to inform me, when I walked away he started to scream, hit, and kick her. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. The ever dreaded day had come. I know all kids learn this behavior, but Isaiah has never, not once raised his hand to any of us. He normally just flails around like a fish out of water, but never hits or kicks. He has tossed me looks, that look like he wants to beat my tush, but violent? Never. The whole reason I am going to a different specialist on Thursday, is the current one isn't giving us any tools on how to handle his behavior. Instead, we have pretty much winged it on our own and done a pretty good job (although it is utterly exhausting). But I am running out of ideas and this is exactly what I wanted to be prepared for, the aggressive outbursts. Right now, he is only 3. So I can pretty much over power him most of the time. But when he is 16 and full of hormonal rage, not so much. I knew this day was coming, but I was hoping it would hold off, just a little longer. After he got into the house, I paced back and forth on how to handle the situation. While he is only 3, he also has the memory of a genius. I asked him why he did it. He responded that the driver was sad (sometimes he gets confused with mad) so again I tried to dig around for answers. He finally came up with "it was an accident. I didn't mean it!" and fell into my arms to cry. I felt bad at first, but then wondered if he was pulling one over on me. I talked to several other people on how to handle it, but nothing really was solved. So this morning as I got his stuff on, he says "I need to say I am sorry to ___ because I hit her yesterday." I was so happy that not only had he remember, but he owed up to it on his own! As we got nearer to the time, I kept on reminding him that we needed to tell the driver that he was sorry. As we neared the bus, he started to hesitate, which is never a good sign. I made sure not to physically nudge him in any way. Much to my surprise he got on the bus and apologized and hugged her. I was so proud of him (even though I was sweating buckets while waiting to see how he was going to respond). I am still worried about the outburst as he has never done that before. I just hope he doesn't continue to express himself in this manner as I feel like we already have so much to deal with. I am so counting down the days to his appt. to finally get some sort of tangible info. to help us out. All I can pray is what some great gals at my bible study said "G-d, be big." We really need it.

All I Ever Have to Be

I seem to be a person that goes through many peaks and valleys, but not so many plains. I struggle constantly with finding my place in G-d's plan and what my purpose is here on earth. In the low times, I feel like I am hanging from a cliff, barely able to hold on. In these times, I have a song that really helps me. Maybe you are struggling with something in your life. I hope this song can help, it's called All I Ever Have to Be, sung by Amy Grant. I must have listened to it 4 times today, already.

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.

But I'm still hurting,
Wondering if I'll ever be
The one I think I am.

I think I am.

Then you gently re-remind me
That you've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.

Who you are...

And all I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.

As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.

And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.

Sunshine

The Sun is out today. You never realize how much it affects your moods until you don't see it for awhile. I find that I have more energy and tend to be much more perky when I wake up to a stream of beautiful sunlight peaking in my blinds. I ended up taking Aria to the mall, as she's been feeling much better. I just needed to get out. I felt like the walls of the house were closing in on me. As my little lady toddled around, I got many smiles and compliments over how cute she is. Of course, I beamed like a proud Mama. In one split second of toddling, Aria fell to the floor and licked it. Yes, you heard right, the germaphobe's kid licked the floor. To make matters more interesting, she decided to go over to the beauty product section of Kohl's and lick the area where the people throw their trash away for cosmetics. Again (pause) my daughter licked the equivalent of a trash can. What can I say that hasn't been said? I actually handled myself pretty well. I only shrieked in disbelief once. Aria really enjoyed looking at the stores and even zoomed in on Striderite to look at the shoes (ah, a girl after my own heart!). She'd look at clothing individually and not try to pull them off the hangers. It really was quite a sight to see her in a flash forward as a teenager, rummaging through clothing. It was nice to have some mother/daughter bonding. After we got home, Isaiah joined us after school. He happily told me about his day as he munched on his favorite, bagels with cream cheese. The conversations that he and I have are becoming more and more developed each day. He even starts off some of his sentences with So.... The other thing he does that is so adorable, is when you ask him if he wants something and he replies with a "oh, yes." with such honor in his voice. I asked him what his favorite colors were. Of course he said black. I then asked him, what others he liked. His response wasn't what I expected. "Black, white, brown, and dark blue." All very neutral colors. I asked him what he thought about orange or red, and he again clarified with a very definitive tone, "black, white, brown, and dark blue." I just had to laugh. The thing I love about Isaiah, and kids around his age, they aren't afraid to talk about things. Sure, sometimes it can be embarrassing when they divulge family secrets in the cereal aisle or comment on the way people look, but they live with such inhibition. He talks about Aurora and Elijah almost every day. It normally isn't much, just a statement, but it almost always comes out of nowhere. We talk about them here and there, but not all the time. He proudly proclaims (he lives up to his middle name) that he has 2 sister's and one brother. There was a picture of flowers over by the kids (the mausoleum) I said something to the effect that the picture was taken where we got to visit Aurora and Elijah. He matter of factly replied, "and Jesus! Because they live in Heaven with him." Then he ran off to go and play. I swear my heart must have burst open with love. I've always been wondering how we'd handle explaining Rory and Eli to our future children. I am excited to see that he handles it so well. I know that he is only 3 1/2 and I am sure it won't always be this way, but for now, it's good. Eli's pass away date in coming up in April. I am trying to think of something for us to do as a family in remembrance of him. I am learning to grieve in a different way. I am trying hard to focus on all the good that our kids lives have brought into ours, how much better we are for all they brought. I don't want our kids to associate them with just sadness and depression. Instead, I want it to be an array of emotions, especially joy. Even though I still have my dark days, as I'd be a liar if I said I didn't, I want to remember them with tears of joy and sweetness. Here are some pictures of Eli before going into surgery. We didn't know if he'd make or not.





It was the first time I ever got to hold him without being attached to tubes. I used to not be able to look at these pictures without pain,but now I see me dancing with my son. Elijah and Aurora's short time here on earth changed my ways with G-d. He was no longer just a big light in the sky, instead he became real.
I wish He could have allowed them to remain with us, but I am learning that their deaths have made way for sunshine in my life. That is the ray of light that is hope. The hope that one day we all be together in Heaven without pain, depression, or tears. I still miss his vanilla cookie smell and how I wish Aurora could've been at the mall with us today. But today I will smile, as I am so blessed to their mom. After all, they brought me sunshine.

Valentines Day

So, it has been quite the crazy week already. Aria had her worst night, last night. Her fever spiked to 102 and she pretty much cried all night long. The hardest part, is she still nurses a couple of times a day. I haven't been able to wean her yet. Trying to look on the bright side, I was hoping that if she got sick, it would come in handy. Tell that to my body and my to my daughter. As many of you know, it takes at least 24 hours for your body to remember certain times of nursing. With a child that has a full mouth of teeth and nothing to drink, this does not bode well for Mom. She refused to drink water and only wanted me. Unfortunately, my body is used to only nursing several times a day. She was actually hitting me out of frustration. I felt so bad for her, as babies have super sniffers and she thought I holding out on her. Needless to say, we woke up in fog and pretty much laid on the couch all day. The fever reducers seem to help for a short amount of time, but after that, it's all over. Thankfully, Isaiah is doing so much better. So now we just have to wait it out with Aria. It's really nerve racking when my kids don't drink, as I know how important it is for their kidneys and their bodies to stay hydrated. A close cousin of mine, her daughter died from dehydration. She was younger than Aria, and she'd had the flu. When she finally fell asleep the doctor had told them not to wake her. She never woke up. Last night the nurse called and suggested that when she sleeps not to wake her. When she'd sleep, I just sat there and prayed. I was so worried. It's kind of a catch 22, you want them to sleep so you can sleep, but when they do sleep, you just sit up and worry. I have been praying to G-d to break her fever. I know getting sick is part of life, but this is an area I am still very vulnerable to fear and worry. I am not much of a Valentines Day person. I like days when Seth surprises me out of the blue, then a holiday telling him he needs to do buy this, to prove his love. But since kids love holidays, we made Valentines just for the fun of it. Isaiah thought it was a riot, while Aria kept on trying to eat the crayons. I am reminded of our one and only Valentines day with Eli. My parents had bought him the huge Mylar heart balloon. My, how he smiled and stared at the balloon for hours. I miss them both so much. I can only imagine all the Valentine's cards we would have had to fill out for each child's class. I was talking with my friend whose daughter passed away 11 years ago. She said even to this day, she still looks for her when loading the kids up in the car. Her child died a week after birth. It was comforting to hear that I am not the only one who does things like this. She still has her pictures up and talks about her often. All of her other kids are well adjusted, so it just goes to show that remembering your kids can be quite healthy and normal. Sweet Validation! Every now and then my sister in law will call me with a funny story that the kids said about Aurora and Elijah. The latest was, my only niece who is 4, who loves Princess Aurora (or Sleeping Beauty is what they normally call her). Jody was trying to explain something about Aurora and Kibby replied something, that she was so excited because her cousin was Princess Aurora! Of course, Jody had to explain that Aurora wasn't, but you get my drift. I was on cloud nine all night that she'd talked about her. It's the little statements like that, that bring bereaved parents such joy (it never goes away). My mind is all over the place today. Life is funny like that, you know? May every day be a day of the celebration of love for your loved ones.

Chicken soup

Poor Isaiah really got walloped this week. He ended up with a fever around 102 and was not himself. Between wanting to play and lying on the floor (something I have NEVER seen him do while being sick) because he felt so lousy, he's been quite sick. The coughing fits seemed to almost suffocate him in the middle of the night, causing him to scream out in pain and fear. He wanted to eat, but ended up carrying his item around with him (string cheese mainly) which is very out of character. He normally resembles a hoover vacuum cleaner when hungry. Praise the Lord his fever finally broke and his whining has subsided. As Seth and I finally began to breathe a sigh of relief that maybe he'd be the only one affected, it happened. Oh yes, the ever dreaded coughing in the middle of the night. Since they both have monitors in each of the room, Seth and I tried hard to wake out of our snuggled slumber only to see it was Little Lady. We both sighed and then quickly jumped into action. Seth quickly put blocks under one side of Aria's crib, making sure she'd be elevated. Turn the fresh water Ducky humidifier into full action and bring her into bed (something we rarely do) for a few minutes until she could have the coughing fit pass. To make matters worse, we got a call from my best friend in Oregon that her daughter needed to be rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. I prayed all night and barely slept and I am still waiting to hear back. Needless to say, I am a little tuckered out. Looks like I need to make a pot of chicken soup to help Seth and I ward off the "crud." If only I could get my kiddo's to drink soup. Is it spring yet? Days like this I wish I had a nanny. Eh, who am I kidding, I'd end up looking over her shoulder and drive her crazy because she doesn't do it like I would. I have been trying hard to hear G-d lately, I think I need to try harder. Please pray for my friend's daughter and pray that Aria and us get better ASAP!

Cough drops

As you probably noticed, I didn't update yesterday. Isaiah started coughing a bit yesterday, and we really didn't think anything of it. He's been a bit difficult, but we've attributed it to him growing or testing his threeness out on us. We had to get his glasses adjusted and he did pretty well. But then came the (wait for it, for dramatic effect) SHOE SHOPPING. Now the funny thing is, Isaiah likes shoes (a chip off the old block, they both are) but trying them on, is a different story. He does not like to be told what to do, it has to be his idea. So when anyone instructs him to do anything, it's difficult. Now when in public, times that by a thousand. He defiantly notices a difference in how we react in public, and he tests those waters each time. Needless to say, he made a scene that you only think that could happen in movies. You would have thought we were setting the boy on fire, instead of trying on really comfortable shoes. Due to the PDD-NOS, public areas trigger his flare ups, we'll call them. It's very frustrating, as I can't just take him to the store with me and Aria. I always have to have another adult with me if we go out in public. When he has the episodes it's hard to redirect him and keep Aria in check as well. Sometimes when we go to the doctor, I see a Mom with several of her kids, waiting nicely. I can't help but feel insecure. I can barely do that one on one with him. So if he needs an emergency appt. during the day, I have to get Seth out of work to take him. As you can imagine, this does not go over well with Seth's work. I can feel the shame when I tell people I have to do this, as it seems that they think I am a world class weenie. Really, I'm not. I can take Aria, no problem. Even at Aria's age, he was next to impossible to handle. Seth will come back from appts. with sore arms from having to restrain Isaiah. Thankfully Seth knows I really have no other option. He always reassures me with a "I don't know how you do this all day." G-d bless that sweet man! I have had several instances where I have been alone with Isaiah, including getting him onto the bus the other day. He was happy to go to school and was all ready to go, just as we are walking down the drive way he refuses to move. I coaxed him as best as I could and then tried to physically move him. This was and is always a big mistake. Any type of physical nudging sends him into a tailspin. For 5 minutes the bus driver looked on in horror as I tried to wrestled my 39 pound child, who might as well be 500 when he is mad. I came into the house and called Seth and cried my eyes out. I have literally been doing strength training, in the hopes one day I can easily move him to where he needs to go. It's exhausting. He's such a super brilliant child that he pulls out all the stops. He can be so sweet, but he has my stubborn controlling urges. Several dominate personalities in one house hold, makes for an interesting reality show. Each outing, has to be carefully planned, with ways out to make the transistions easier. We can't ever just pick up and go out for fun, or else. It can be quite the alienating feeling. Especially when we have cabin fever. I beg G-d for mercy and wonder after all we've been through, couldn't He mellow him out, just a little? Sometimes I wonder if people think I don't like Isaiah. That couldn't be further from the truth. I adore him and would give my life in a heart beat, but he frustrates the hoo ha out of me. Back to my story. So during last night, he coughed all night long. I checked him for a fever in the morning and really nothing. I checked for a runny nose, nothing. Just this persistent dry cough. I thought maybe I should keep him home, but then again he really had no other symptoms, and coughing has been a regular thing for a while now. So I sent him. Right away, as I put him on the bus, I regretted my decision. I got a call from his teacher, who politely asked why in the world would I send my child to school like this, and please don't send him back. I felt like the worst mother ever. I always preach about keeping the sick ones home to spare others, and now I sent the infester! The shame! When he got home, I tried everything to get him to stop coughing and it only got worse. When I finally got through to the nurse, they told me to give him a breathing treatment. Well, the Albuteral made him feel crazy (it normally doesn't bother him) and he started screaming "I'm cold, I'm cold, my belly hurts, hold me!" Every time I tried to hold him, he'd flail around like a rabid animal (common with kids with PDD to act out when they get sick, which is why I try and prevent it from happening) not being able to be soothed. He started to turn purple at times (from coughing so hard) while flopping on the floor like a fish. I quickly called Seth home to help me out, as I figured we were going to have to rush him to the ER (He was breathing, so that's why I didn't call 911). I tried to offer a blanket, a Thomas movie, and anything I could to distract him. He refused. I found the new show Chuggington and popped it on, hoping it would help. It did. He immediately calmed down while coughing and chattered away about the new show. Me, on the other hand, aged 10 years in less than 3 hours. I called Seth and told him to turn around and go back to work. Isaiah managed to cough in his elbow 75% of the time. So much so, that I had to change his shirt from saturation. But that other 25% of coughs seemed to get on everything. What is it about sick children, touching everything! It's a geramphobes worst night mare! Either all of this sounds rather comical or absolutely deranged, but this people is what happened. Seth is off to the doctor with him, and I am figuring, he will come back with sore arms as you know they'll need to do a strep test. This is not good for the one that holds the child with a easily agitated gag reflex. (Sigh) So if you could, stop laughing for a minute in all this ridiculous reaction and say a prayer that he'll be alright and sleep soundly through the night. That no one else would get sick, and that I'd have the behavior of the Mother of the Year tomorrow, as he's not going to school. Oy vey. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed that stay at home Mom's don't get paid millions (yes, even neurotic ones)

PS Seth just called to say, they said he has a cough. We just payed $40 to have a doctor tell us he's coughing, I think I just have to laugh or else I'll cry. Pray he sleeps soundly, we all need the rest. Until the next mini-comedy tour...

Poison Control

So this morning has already been quite interesting. One of the things that I have been trying to learn, is not to PANIC! I am pretty good at the major stuff, until after things have settled down, then I realize what happened and freak out. So one of my new goals is trying to not be so uptight and panicky at every little thing. Where am I going with this? Isaiah is in school and Aria and I were had just finished working out. I went to wipe my face with a face pad and put the jar down. Along comes my little monkey, swiping the jar off the table. She ran off shaking the jar. Right away, I wondered if I'd screwed the lid on properly. Sure enough, in that instant I see her licking it and then going for her hands. Any mother knows, this means something is leaking out. Now the old me, would have had a coronary and started panicking while running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Instead, I calmly grabbed a baby wipe and took the container away and looked at the warning label. I knew I should call poison control, just to be sure. Normally, I'd be shaking and spazzing. Instead I talked with Aria while I waited. The woman was so friendly and asked me to wipe out her mouth and get her something to drink (which I figured she'd say, but I wanted to be sure). Aria refused and instead of pinning her to the ground praying to G-d to spare her( Yes, sadly I've been that dramatic at times). I just gave her a wet wash cloth and walked away, playing it off as no big deal (secretly knowing, it'd make it more interesting to her). She proceeded to suck on the cloth. This may seem like no big deal to many of you. You may even wonder, why am I writing about such a small thing. To me, it was quite a big leap in realizing I am becoming more relaxed. I've come along way from the Mom who kept Isaiah in the living and play room for the first year of his life (sad, but true). The kids are trucking around, climbing, opening, and getting into everything. I am learning little by little to let go and let them just be kids. Hopefully they won't need too much therapy when they get older from this! I have been changing the way we eat and physical activities to promote good health instead of ease. I found out Aria loves peas, peaches, and kiwi. Isaiah is still quite skeptical, but he's cm by cm coming around. We found out Isaiah loves to dance, run, and do aerobics (he's never been one for physical exertion). Day by day, I am seeing bits of progress. While the impatient part of me wishes I could fix everything immediately, I know I am a work in progress in me and it's actually influencing the kids and Seth. Besides, it's the things I work at the hardest, that I appreciate the most (most of the time anyway). Grace and Peace to you all, just thought I'd share.