As the sun shines down and the wind wisps through my hair, my spirit awakens and remembers... With each turn of the season, my soul searches through the photographs that are engraved on my heart. Time has stood still in these photographs, and the movie reel in my mind starts to play. I remember when..
It's been 12 years since I held her in my arms, yet it feels as though only a moment has passed by. My first born daughter, set on the pathway of eternity only less than a couple of hours old.
As the pages of the calendar passes through, June appears. It never fails to take my breath away, this is her month. I am so thankful to G-d that He allowed her to have one of the very best days of the year to be born and to fly on, the 21st. The first day of summer and the longest day of the year, how fitting.
It's strange. For me I had always envisioned Aurora to be a baby in my mind forever. When she first slipped away in my arms, I drank in each moment to be forever burned into my mind. 1 1/2 hours old, a beautiful baby with pink petal soft skin. Blond finger waved hair and perfectly oval finger nails. 3 pounds and 11 ounces of pure love. She took my breath away.
I never imagined that with each passing year, she would grow up in the recesses of my mind. 12 years have come and gone in an instant. I imagine her to have her Daddy's dimples with my wild wavy hair that can only be tamed by a hot iron. I can't help but smile to think that she would have my sass and be leading her siblings as a mother hen would do.
We would be going through the woe's of pimples and the hormones that brought them. Training bra's and boy crazy behavior would be plaguing the house as we probably would be pounding our heads on the wall from the demands of more phone time and how unfair life is.
I would hope we would be close, that she might have shared all of her deepest secrets with me late into the evening. I can't help but imagine, who she would be today. A beautiful soul, blossoming from a little girl into a young lady.
As time ticks on and the 21st fast approaches, my mind does a rewind. To anyone who wonders what it might be like to lose a child, you don't forget. I haven't gotten used to it. When I turn my head back to check on the kids, I always look back to the last bench seat where they both would have sat.
As my nephews grow up, I can't help but watch them so carefully to capture what they would both be doing. I never say anything, but the thoughts are always there. The latest things that my older nephews love to do is stand next to me. They are all pretty much taller than me and they think it is just a riot. Would she be taller?? Would she wear her hair long?
While the longing is still there, I can't help but smile. She was here. We loved her well. As we come along others who are just beginning their journey of losing their child, my heart reminds me that it too has been pieced back together with missing holes that are not meant to be replaced.
The character of who I am now verses who I was then has changed. She helped me grow up and become a compassionate woman. She helped me realize the need that everyone needs to be loved, especially when they are shattered. She helped me believe in G-d and realize His true importance and who His character really is.
She too was a night owl just like me. She loved sugary sweets just like her Daddy.
We found out at 12 weeks that she would not live. I am so thankful that I didn't know any better, you know, we hadn't had kids before, and that our lives would be forever changed. I loved being pregnant. Once we found out she wasn't going to make it, I made sure to hold onto each moment. In doing so, I fell head over heals in love with her. I knew her every movement. Because she didn't have any amniotic fluid, I could feel the shape of her whole body in my hand. Late at night when Seth would go to sleep, I would cry. I was so attached to her. I loved her so deeply.
Some hard parts were when people would ask when we were due and what her nursery looked like. How do you tell people that your baby is born to die? I went out less and less. My sister lent us her cradle, knowing we would never use it. But we held on to hope, just in case. I would see all the expectant mom's and mothers/babies, and my heart burned with jealousy. Why couldn't she stay?
We held her for a long time after she was born. For hours we just held her in silence and in tears. How do you let go of your child? The nurse came and took her, your mind can't prepare for that moment. We had months of warnings but no, you can't prepare for that moment when you know you will never see your child again.
I requested they release me if I couldn't hold her. I couldn't bear to be separated from her and yet being in the same building. I asked if I could sit in the morgue, but they gently assured me it wasn't a good place to be. So we packed up the clothes that she wore and put them in a Ziploc baggie. To come in with so much hope and to leave empty handed, it was devastating.
I remember coming home to our dog. Mya Ms. Marie (AKA Mya Papaya). She had become my confidant on bed rest and often soaked my tears with her fur. We walked into the door and she did a celebratory dance. As I winced my way to the couch and sat down, the mood of the room shifted.
We said no words. Seth got out the Ziploc baggie and we just huffed her clothes. All we had left was her scent. One of the booties fell out and rolled by Mya. She sniffed the bootie and looked up at us and her eyes welled up with tears and she cried right with us. I wouldn't have believed it had I not seen with my own eyes. We are pretty sure Mya is an angel in disguise, she still to this day is always tending to the broken hearted.
At the time I didn't know it, but I really think that G-d planted her name into my heart. Aurora, for Aurora Borealis, one of the most beautiful sights but you never know how long it will last. Yes, a bit of Sleeping Beauty too. It still drives me nuts when they don't refer to the Disney Princesses as Aurora, but Sleeping Beauty, but that's another story. Of course we picked Skye for her middle name. I picked it not because of the flow of the name, but I was afraid I might forget her. I wanted something to always remember her by. There is not a night that goes by that if the sky is clear we here one of the family members say "Look! It's and Aurora Skye!" We know immediately that the sky is dusted with pinks and lavenders.
I still have her ashes around my neck close to my heart. A mother's love never diminishes, it only grows. For all of my children both here and in Heaven, my love and my heart expands into eternity.
My dearest Aurora Skye, we won't forget...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRSlFtkXl8o
No comments:
Post a Comment