As the sun shines down and the wind wisps through my hair, my spirit awakens and remembers... With each turn of the season, my soul searches through the photographs that are engraved on my heart. Time has stood still in these photographs, and the movie reel in my mind starts to play. I remember when..
It's been 12 years since I held her in my arms, yet it feels as though only a moment has passed by. My first born daughter, set on the pathway of eternity only less than a couple of hours old.
As the pages of the calendar passes through, June appears. It never fails to take my breath away, this is her month. I am so thankful to G-d that He allowed her to have one of the very best days of the year to be born and to fly on, the 21st. The first day of summer and the longest day of the year, how fitting.
It's strange. For me I had always envisioned Aurora to be a baby in my mind forever. When she first slipped away in my arms, I drank in each moment to be forever burned into my mind. 1 1/2 hours old, a beautiful baby with pink petal soft skin. Blond finger waved hair and perfectly oval finger nails. 3 pounds and 11 ounces of pure love. She took my breath away.
I never imagined that with each passing year, she would grow up in the recesses of my mind. 12 years have come and gone in an instant. I imagine her to have her Daddy's dimples with my wild wavy hair that can only be tamed by a hot iron. I can't help but smile to think that she would have my sass and be leading her siblings as a mother hen would do.
We would be going through the woe's of pimples and the hormones that brought them. Training bra's and boy crazy behavior would be plaguing the house as we probably would be pounding our heads on the wall from the demands of more phone time and how unfair life is.
I would hope we would be close, that she might have shared all of her deepest secrets with me late into the evening. I can't help but imagine, who she would be today. A beautiful soul, blossoming from a little girl into a young lady.
As time ticks on and the 21st fast approaches, my mind does a rewind. To anyone who wonders what it might be like to lose a child, you don't forget. I haven't gotten used to it. When I turn my head back to check on the kids, I always look back to the last bench seat where they both would have sat.
As my nephews grow up, I can't help but watch them so carefully to capture what they would both be doing. I never say anything, but the thoughts are always there. The latest things that my older nephews love to do is stand next to me. They are all pretty much taller than me and they think it is just a riot. Would she be taller?? Would she wear her hair long?
While the longing is still there, I can't help but smile. She was here. We loved her well. As we come along others who are just beginning their journey of losing their child, my heart reminds me that it too has been pieced back together with missing holes that are not meant to be replaced.
The character of who I am now verses who I was then has changed. She helped me grow up and become a compassionate woman. She helped me realize the need that everyone needs to be loved, especially when they are shattered. She helped me believe in G-d and realize His true importance and who His character really is.
She too was a night owl just like me. She loved sugary sweets just like her Daddy.
We found out at 12 weeks that she would not live. I am so thankful that I didn't know any better, you know, we hadn't had kids before, and that our lives would be forever changed. I loved being pregnant. Once we found out she wasn't going to make it, I made sure to hold onto each moment. In doing so, I fell head over heals in love with her. I knew her every movement. Because she didn't have any amniotic fluid, I could feel the shape of her whole body in my hand. Late at night when Seth would go to sleep, I would cry. I was so attached to her. I loved her so deeply.
Some hard parts were when people would ask when we were due and what her nursery looked like. How do you tell people that your baby is born to die? I went out less and less. My sister lent us her cradle, knowing we would never use it. But we held on to hope, just in case. I would see all the expectant mom's and mothers/babies, and my heart burned with jealousy. Why couldn't she stay?
We held her for a long time after she was born. For hours we just held her in silence and in tears. How do you let go of your child? The nurse came and took her, your mind can't prepare for that moment. We had months of warnings but no, you can't prepare for that moment when you know you will never see your child again.
I requested they release me if I couldn't hold her. I couldn't bear to be separated from her and yet being in the same building. I asked if I could sit in the morgue, but they gently assured me it wasn't a good place to be. So we packed up the clothes that she wore and put them in a Ziploc baggie. To come in with so much hope and to leave empty handed, it was devastating.
I remember coming home to our dog. Mya Ms. Marie (AKA Mya Papaya). She had become my confidant on bed rest and often soaked my tears with her fur. We walked into the door and she did a celebratory dance. As I winced my way to the couch and sat down, the mood of the room shifted.
We said no words. Seth got out the Ziploc baggie and we just huffed her clothes. All we had left was her scent. One of the booties fell out and rolled by Mya. She sniffed the bootie and looked up at us and her eyes welled up with tears and she cried right with us. I wouldn't have believed it had I not seen with my own eyes. We are pretty sure Mya is an angel in disguise, she still to this day is always tending to the broken hearted.
At the time I didn't know it, but I really think that G-d planted her name into my heart. Aurora, for Aurora Borealis, one of the most beautiful sights but you never know how long it will last. Yes, a bit of Sleeping Beauty too. It still drives me nuts when they don't refer to the Disney Princesses as Aurora, but Sleeping Beauty, but that's another story. Of course we picked Skye for her middle name. I picked it not because of the flow of the name, but I was afraid I might forget her. I wanted something to always remember her by. There is not a night that goes by that if the sky is clear we here one of the family members say "Look! It's and Aurora Skye!" We know immediately that the sky is dusted with pinks and lavenders.
I still have her ashes around my neck close to my heart. A mother's love never diminishes, it only grows. For all of my children both here and in Heaven, my love and my heart expands into eternity.
My dearest Aurora Skye, we won't forget...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRSlFtkXl8o
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
To Join In
After many requests, I have decided to begin blogging again. I felt like I needed to take a break and be able to really focus on where G-d wanted me to go with my life and well, He answered!
I can't really remember where I even left off, so I'll just jump right in with questions. The number one question I have been getting asked is, how is my health?
Honestly? Amazing! Just a quick catch up for those who may not remember or know, I have been diagnosed with idiopathic gastroparesis (another word is paralyzed stomach). Seriously, about a year ago I was living off of only a few items to eat and the doctors (including the University of MI) had told me nicely to go home and make the best of my days with my family, that there was nothing medically that they could help me with. Truly, I was feeling my spirit slowly giving in to the idea of "letting go" and die.
I found myself digging in the bible and crying out to G-d for mercy, yet wasn't seeing any miraculous results. Thankfully the Lord has made me stubborn and loyal, a combination that has really helped me through all of this. Stubborn, so that I could hang on even when all hope seemed lost. Plus, I really hate it when people tell me I can't do something, it just pushes me even harder to press on. Loyal, fiercely and sometimes even foolishly. Once I love you, it's pretty hard to get rid of me. Even when it seemed like G-d might not be answering my prayers, I refused to deny Him. My loyalty for Him runs deeper than I can ever put into words. Even when all hope seemed lost, I knew He had to be there (even though sometimes I felt like a toddler throwing a fit when things weren't going right). Just like any awesome parent, He stayed right by my side, providing in ways I wasn't even aware of until now.
I do believe that I have been anointed with healing. While my healing has NOT been instantaneous, it has been gradual. I am sure most would argue it's just nature, but I know with all my heart that it was through G-d's grace that I have come this far. I am eating more and more now. While I can't eat much with fiber in it, I have been able to add in healthy fats and protein galore! My latest new favorite? Ground turkey! Yeah, yeah, most may say really? That's what you are grateful for? Yep! When all you have had was protein shakes and eggs for a couple of years, you really tend to appreciate almost anything new and different. I also cannot eat spices, so we have found the wonderful world of fresh herbs!! We simmer the meat for a long time to help break it down for me and then add cilantro, basil, or even dill to make it "pop!" I used to be the queen of spicing anything up, so it has been a hard change to go to bland, but really the herbs are a beautiful replacement. G-d is SO good!
We had some wonderful friends who have walked by our side through this all introduce us to carbohydrates that I can eat such as a homemade pizza crust and crepes! I have found that I have an easier time digesting things if they are home made with simple ingredients. If it's processed, more times than not it is a no go. So am I gaining weight? Yes!! In a world full of people trying to lose weight, I am not interested. Honestly, once you have no physical way of eating, weight loss seems very insignificant. I can say this, as before all of this I was overweight. So while I do understand the challenge, my viewing is much different. Every bite of food that I take is a celebration! I am just beyond thankful that I can sit down with my family and join in.
Life is funny. I remember only a year ago hiding up in my room each time that my family ate, feeling so left out. I would smell the food wafting up the stairs mingled with laughter and my heart was so broken. Life kept on going on without me and I really felt that I was no longer included. My heart went into depths of depression that most could not understand. The Lord has been giving me answers to my prayer requests and I am more than grateful.
Most meals I still cannot eat the same thing. But now I have a few go to meals that are kind of my version of pizza and "taco's." Each time I eat, I am more thankful then ever at being able to "join in" on something I thought might never return. Do I still have to be careful? Absolutely! I really do have to weigh out and calculate each thing and determine, is it worth it? But what the Lord has showed that mattered more than my stomach being satisfied, was my love for people.
After spending more time alone than any sane person should, I began to realize it wasn't just the food I missed, it was the fellowship. I missed being included. I also was reminded of how much I thrive being amongst others. The Lord has shown me time and time again, it's all about community. We were made for this. Without it we become entangled in a warped view of life where bitterness, anger, depression, and isolation entrap us for the worst.
When we are with others, while there can be obstacles, but it helps us grow and strive to be better each day. While sometimes it may be painful, I am learning each step and misstep are necessary. We can't be perfect, nor can we expect others to be perfect either, but we can learn from our mistakes and rejoice when things go right. I used to think that when bad things happened, it was punishment. Now, for me it is a learning tool and is shaping me for things that I thankfully don't know are yet ahead. Since my kids had passed away, I really felt a lot of my "light" had left. I just felt like I was stuck on the serious button. Now, I feel like not only is my light back, but G-d has seemed to put it on brighter! Yes, I still have my days, I would be lying if I didn't admit it. Even those days don't last as long as the heaviness is just too much and my Spirit seems to say "Nope, we did this and this doesn't pan out well."
So what else is new? I had been feeling restless like we should move or do something, so I have been praying. I so badly want to cherish each day that I am given and tell others about what G-d has done for me and my family. I was pretty much on death's door, and He is restoring me in ways I can't imagine! I can't contain the joy that is inside of how great G-d really is. He isn't just something, He is EVERYTHING! So what is a girl to do?
I had an urge to go into seminary, but with having young ones, I feel it important to be here with them. So I am presently taking a bible class and honestly, I am smitten! I can't get enough of it and really I wish I could go every day! I was afraid it would bore me or that my attention span would flake out. Instead, it has been seeping into my everyday thoughts. I just can't explain the freedom and the wonder that it has awoken in spirit. Seriously, I could gush on and on about how awesome it is, but you get the point!
You would think that would be enough for now, but we recently have taken on the challenge of homeschooling. It's really a long story of how we got into it, but for now we are diving full force in. I kid you not, last week, from the time after we ate breakfast and until we went to bed, we worked on school. It has proved to be a daunting task. I have a whole new respect for teachers and homeschooling parents. Forget movie stars and athletes, they deserve the humungous paychecks!
We are doing an online curriculum which is insane. For some reason I thought it would be easier, but I find daily I am eating my words. Still, I am not ready to throw in the towel. I have learned more in the short time I have been doing this, then I have in the past two years (academically, that is)! By the time bedtime rolls around, my normally overactive brain is fried! It is this beautiful dance of family togetherness, learning, with a dash of insanity;)
While it has been definitely challenging, I am happy to feel useful. Really, after sitting on the sidelines for such a long time, it's been great to get back into the game! The last few years have been a blur. I don't remember much about the kids in that time, so this is helping me be able to connect with them in a way that I had so longed for. Each day I love spending the extra time with them and be able to be apart of their learning process. Selfishly, it's wonderful to be included and not miss out on every moment (although some can be me wanting to pull my hair out!) with them. It's a joy and blessing. Whether we do this temporarily or permanently, I am thankful to have had this experience and really get to see a side of life, I felt like I missed.
As for my Hubby Seth. What can I rave about? He is amazing. He has stood by my side through thick and thin, sickness and in health, and so much more. He is such a hard worker, doting husband, and loving father. He really works so hard. He not only works his job and then some, but then comes home and shoulders a huge responsibility to us. I am still lacking in nutrition and get winded very easily. So he really is our brut force labor. He has recently been making rings out of metals and doing such an amazing job that he is selling them on the side. His creativity just blows my mind! I am so blessed to be his wife and really am so head over heals for him. I could go on and on about him, so we will just say he is working hard and is doing amazing.
I could go on and on, but for now I will stop here. I am no longer on FB and I left pretty abruptly. I forgot that FB doesn't notify people that you are no longer on and it almost could seem like you are defriended. I got some emails wondering if that was the case, and I assure you I jut left FB altogether. I really don't miss it at all. I miss the people, but not FB, so I will not be returning. However, feel free to share my post to those who might not have signed up for my blog notifications. I used to post all of my blog posts to FB, so this will be different. So feel free to share with the world that I am up and running! I am so excited to be back and I give all the praise and thanks to G-d/Jesus/Holy Spirit who I could not live a moment without:) Of course to our loving family and faithful friends, we are eternally grateful. I wouldn't be where I am without you. I am so elated to join in!
"Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it." Hebrews 11:1
The sun shall no longer be your light by day, and for bright light the moon shall not give you light but G-d will be your everlasting light, and your G-d your glory. Your sun shall no longer go down, and your moon shall not wane, for G-d himself will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning shall come to an end.
Isaiah 60:19-20
I can't really remember where I even left off, so I'll just jump right in with questions. The number one question I have been getting asked is, how is my health?
Honestly? Amazing! Just a quick catch up for those who may not remember or know, I have been diagnosed with idiopathic gastroparesis (another word is paralyzed stomach). Seriously, about a year ago I was living off of only a few items to eat and the doctors (including the University of MI) had told me nicely to go home and make the best of my days with my family, that there was nothing medically that they could help me with. Truly, I was feeling my spirit slowly giving in to the idea of "letting go" and die.
I found myself digging in the bible and crying out to G-d for mercy, yet wasn't seeing any miraculous results. Thankfully the Lord has made me stubborn and loyal, a combination that has really helped me through all of this. Stubborn, so that I could hang on even when all hope seemed lost. Plus, I really hate it when people tell me I can't do something, it just pushes me even harder to press on. Loyal, fiercely and sometimes even foolishly. Once I love you, it's pretty hard to get rid of me. Even when it seemed like G-d might not be answering my prayers, I refused to deny Him. My loyalty for Him runs deeper than I can ever put into words. Even when all hope seemed lost, I knew He had to be there (even though sometimes I felt like a toddler throwing a fit when things weren't going right). Just like any awesome parent, He stayed right by my side, providing in ways I wasn't even aware of until now.
I do believe that I have been anointed with healing. While my healing has NOT been instantaneous, it has been gradual. I am sure most would argue it's just nature, but I know with all my heart that it was through G-d's grace that I have come this far. I am eating more and more now. While I can't eat much with fiber in it, I have been able to add in healthy fats and protein galore! My latest new favorite? Ground turkey! Yeah, yeah, most may say really? That's what you are grateful for? Yep! When all you have had was protein shakes and eggs for a couple of years, you really tend to appreciate almost anything new and different. I also cannot eat spices, so we have found the wonderful world of fresh herbs!! We simmer the meat for a long time to help break it down for me and then add cilantro, basil, or even dill to make it "pop!" I used to be the queen of spicing anything up, so it has been a hard change to go to bland, but really the herbs are a beautiful replacement. G-d is SO good!
We had some wonderful friends who have walked by our side through this all introduce us to carbohydrates that I can eat such as a homemade pizza crust and crepes! I have found that I have an easier time digesting things if they are home made with simple ingredients. If it's processed, more times than not it is a no go. So am I gaining weight? Yes!! In a world full of people trying to lose weight, I am not interested. Honestly, once you have no physical way of eating, weight loss seems very insignificant. I can say this, as before all of this I was overweight. So while I do understand the challenge, my viewing is much different. Every bite of food that I take is a celebration! I am just beyond thankful that I can sit down with my family and join in.
Life is funny. I remember only a year ago hiding up in my room each time that my family ate, feeling so left out. I would smell the food wafting up the stairs mingled with laughter and my heart was so broken. Life kept on going on without me and I really felt that I was no longer included. My heart went into depths of depression that most could not understand. The Lord has been giving me answers to my prayer requests and I am more than grateful.
Most meals I still cannot eat the same thing. But now I have a few go to meals that are kind of my version of pizza and "taco's." Each time I eat, I am more thankful then ever at being able to "join in" on something I thought might never return. Do I still have to be careful? Absolutely! I really do have to weigh out and calculate each thing and determine, is it worth it? But what the Lord has showed that mattered more than my stomach being satisfied, was my love for people.
After spending more time alone than any sane person should, I began to realize it wasn't just the food I missed, it was the fellowship. I missed being included. I also was reminded of how much I thrive being amongst others. The Lord has shown me time and time again, it's all about community. We were made for this. Without it we become entangled in a warped view of life where bitterness, anger, depression, and isolation entrap us for the worst.
When we are with others, while there can be obstacles, but it helps us grow and strive to be better each day. While sometimes it may be painful, I am learning each step and misstep are necessary. We can't be perfect, nor can we expect others to be perfect either, but we can learn from our mistakes and rejoice when things go right. I used to think that when bad things happened, it was punishment. Now, for me it is a learning tool and is shaping me for things that I thankfully don't know are yet ahead. Since my kids had passed away, I really felt a lot of my "light" had left. I just felt like I was stuck on the serious button. Now, I feel like not only is my light back, but G-d has seemed to put it on brighter! Yes, I still have my days, I would be lying if I didn't admit it. Even those days don't last as long as the heaviness is just too much and my Spirit seems to say "Nope, we did this and this doesn't pan out well."
So what else is new? I had been feeling restless like we should move or do something, so I have been praying. I so badly want to cherish each day that I am given and tell others about what G-d has done for me and my family. I was pretty much on death's door, and He is restoring me in ways I can't imagine! I can't contain the joy that is inside of how great G-d really is. He isn't just something, He is EVERYTHING! So what is a girl to do?
I had an urge to go into seminary, but with having young ones, I feel it important to be here with them. So I am presently taking a bible class and honestly, I am smitten! I can't get enough of it and really I wish I could go every day! I was afraid it would bore me or that my attention span would flake out. Instead, it has been seeping into my everyday thoughts. I just can't explain the freedom and the wonder that it has awoken in spirit. Seriously, I could gush on and on about how awesome it is, but you get the point!
You would think that would be enough for now, but we recently have taken on the challenge of homeschooling. It's really a long story of how we got into it, but for now we are diving full force in. I kid you not, last week, from the time after we ate breakfast and until we went to bed, we worked on school. It has proved to be a daunting task. I have a whole new respect for teachers and homeschooling parents. Forget movie stars and athletes, they deserve the humungous paychecks!
We are doing an online curriculum which is insane. For some reason I thought it would be easier, but I find daily I am eating my words. Still, I am not ready to throw in the towel. I have learned more in the short time I have been doing this, then I have in the past two years (academically, that is)! By the time bedtime rolls around, my normally overactive brain is fried! It is this beautiful dance of family togetherness, learning, with a dash of insanity;)
While it has been definitely challenging, I am happy to feel useful. Really, after sitting on the sidelines for such a long time, it's been great to get back into the game! The last few years have been a blur. I don't remember much about the kids in that time, so this is helping me be able to connect with them in a way that I had so longed for. Each day I love spending the extra time with them and be able to be apart of their learning process. Selfishly, it's wonderful to be included and not miss out on every moment (although some can be me wanting to pull my hair out!) with them. It's a joy and blessing. Whether we do this temporarily or permanently, I am thankful to have had this experience and really get to see a side of life, I felt like I missed.
As for my Hubby Seth. What can I rave about? He is amazing. He has stood by my side through thick and thin, sickness and in health, and so much more. He is such a hard worker, doting husband, and loving father. He really works so hard. He not only works his job and then some, but then comes home and shoulders a huge responsibility to us. I am still lacking in nutrition and get winded very easily. So he really is our brut force labor. He has recently been making rings out of metals and doing such an amazing job that he is selling them on the side. His creativity just blows my mind! I am so blessed to be his wife and really am so head over heals for him. I could go on and on about him, so we will just say he is working hard and is doing amazing.
I could go on and on, but for now I will stop here. I am no longer on FB and I left pretty abruptly. I forgot that FB doesn't notify people that you are no longer on and it almost could seem like you are defriended. I got some emails wondering if that was the case, and I assure you I jut left FB altogether. I really don't miss it at all. I miss the people, but not FB, so I will not be returning. However, feel free to share my post to those who might not have signed up for my blog notifications. I used to post all of my blog posts to FB, so this will be different. So feel free to share with the world that I am up and running! I am so excited to be back and I give all the praise and thanks to G-d/Jesus/Holy Spirit who I could not live a moment without:) Of course to our loving family and faithful friends, we are eternally grateful. I wouldn't be where I am without you. I am so elated to join in!
"Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it." Hebrews 11:1
The sun shall no longer be your light by day, and for bright light the moon shall not give you light but G-d will be your everlasting light, and your G-d your glory. Your sun shall no longer go down, and your moon shall not wane, for G-d himself will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning shall come to an end.
Isaiah 60:19-20
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Fix You
I originally had planned on writing this piece for our anniversary of 13 years. We just celebrated it a couple of weeks ago. With the stigma of 13 I thought it would be more than fitting to fully embrace it with joy. Life ended up catching up with us and I just couldn't seem to get my thoughts in order. So hopefully today that won't be the case.
Today is Seth's birthday. We rarely buy each other gifts and instead just try to do things from the heart. Writing is what I love to share, so this post today is for Seth.
If you notice the title of today is Fix You. We were watching So You Think You Can Dance a few years ago. I have never really fully appreciated the arts until a few years ago. I saw this dance and it fully captured what I feel mine and Seth's relationship has looked like in a form of dance. I'll post it at the end and it'll help the post come full circle.
Seth and I have been together for 14 years, married 13 of them. To some that is a lot, to some that is just barely beginning. For us, it is the foundation that has helped solidify our marriage. Before I fully post this, I want all of you readers to understand that it is by the grace of G-d Almighty that we are still together. We have had to fight tooth and nail for our marriage. So often I run into people that read my blog and they get the notion that our marriage is perfect and easy. On the contrary. Any time there are two people put together, there is bound to be trials. We have faced more than our fair share, but instead of turning on each other, the Lord has showed us how to hold on for dear life and push forward. With that here is my post.
I remember meeting Seth for the first time. I had just moved from Iowa with a shattered heart. I knew nobody here but my parents and sister. After months of mourning my relationship I decided to get up and fully jump back into life. I met a hairdresser, who instantly became my friend. She offered to have me come and meet her friends after a hard day's work.
I remember getting ready with my hair freshly cut, makeup applied, and an adorable form fitting yellow dress with blue flowers (that I will never fit in again). It was time to move on, whatever that looked like. We ended up at her friend's house and there were more people there that I had expected. There was an in ground swimming pool full of people. I was amazed to see one in the mid west. Where I came from, any pools were above ground, so I was really surprised. After sitting quietly for a while, a young man came and sat down and chatted with me. We talked for a couple of hours without one lull in the conversation. Did I mention it was completely dark? I was so comfortable being in the dark, yet couldn't help but wonder what he looked like. Before I knew it, everyone was moving inside. I panicked a bit. This guy seemed perfect, what if he didn't like the way I looked? What if he didn't like me? What if I didn't like the way he looked (tacky, I know)? We moved indoors and he disappeared. I sat down on the couch and began to talk with everyone else, when in he walked. I was smitten. Double dimples, blue eyes, and a smile that melted my hardened heart.
While I am very vocal, when I don't know you, I actually clam up (sorry friends, you won't see this again). I saw him and knew I had to have him. I even gave him my beeper number (yes, I said beeper). He didn't seem impressed, but I had hope. So much so, I went home and called my friend in Iowa to tell her I met the man I was going to marry.
Two weeks went by and he never called. My thoughts went to him every single day that passed. I couldn't shake the feeling we were meant to be. My friend again offered for me to get together with her friends yet again, and I figured it was time to move on (secretly hoping he would be there). He was, but this time I decided to play it cool and just talk with everyone else. This time he sought me out, and well without getting into details, we ended up together.
Pretty much after he asked me to clarify what our dating status was, we were inseparable. He loved my spunk and I loved his sweetness. He was pretty quiet and I was anything but. We were polar opposites. He loves sweets, I loved salty. He loved adventure, me, more of a homebody. But somehow it just worked. I know now that G-d had us placed together to balance each other out for what was to come. When we got married, we really did become one.
I could go on and on about all the wonders that is my husband. He has really been such an amazing influence on me. While he was a wild child as a teenager, he had become quite subdued by the time we met. All I can say is he was and still is pure love. (My eyes are welling up with tears) I was pretty immature when we met and was very opinionated (okay, some of that stuck) . There was only one way in my eyes and that was, my way. I was very harsh and very determined to do things myself. I was very independent and pretty much did everything the hard way. I didn't want any help. So it was amazing to me to meet Seth. Seth is a giver, loves to help, loves to serve, is patient and kind, and well think about anything good and that's him in a nutshell.
Little did I know how well G-d had paired us. As life moved on and our apartment burned down, my anxiety went hay wire. I didn't really have any idea that I even had anxiety till then, but through each panic attack, he loved me even more.
So when we had Aurora and the counselor announced that with one death of a child that 80% of couples go their own way. As she closed the door, I sat there pregnant knowing that my child would not live a long life and that my husband would probably leave me, I fell apart. Seth took my hand and looked into my eyes and promised me that no matter what, we would always stay together. From that moment on our bond went from earthly, to heavenly. We promised each other and we meant it.
As I grieved for Aurora, and our two little's that we never met, Seth purposefully climbed down into grieving with me. Typical men have a tendency to just keep themselves busy and just move on. Even though I know at times he wanted to, he purposefully didn't. He allowed me to cry. He allowed me to blow up as many pictures as I wanted of the kids and put them up on our walls. He never judged me, never told me it was too much, he just showed me love.
So when we had Elijah and I was on full bed rest for 30 weeks. Yes, for 30 weeks he took care of me while I was on the couch morning, noon, and night. With every amnio infusion, he was by my side cheering Elijah on. One amnio infusion went badly and I collapsed. They took me into another room as they monitored me, he sat by my side reassuring me all the way. I was with him and that was all that mattered.
Eli was born and that is where I really saw his full potential kick in. He bonded instantly with our boy and rarely left his side. He loved on Eli with his whole heart and gave everything he could to be with him. He and I eventually did his dialysis at home with meds, blood pressure, shots, mickey buttons, dextrose evaluations, and more... Seth perfected everything down to a science, it was amazing to watch. Then our little guy left for heaven, and I heard him weep. There is nothing more sad than listening to a grown man cry. Our lives were shattered, yet we were put back together like scar tissue. Scar tissue isn't as pretty as an unmarked body, yet is so tough that it's almost indestructible. We became scar tissue together. While it wasn't pretty how it happened, it has bound us for life.
In our many highs and many lows, we desperately clung to G-d. With Aurora we prayed, but by the time Elijah came, we memorized verses and searched into the bible to find G-d. We found Him and saw Him in the life and death of our son,. We braided ourselves into His presence knowing we could not survive without our Lord.
We were blessed to have Isaiah and Aria and it seemed that we were in the clear for any more trials. While losing the kids was more devastating that I can express, when I got sick, it expanded things in a way we couldn't imagine.
As I got more and more sick, my spunky firecracker (what Seth and my Grandpa call me) bigger than life self, became dim. I became helpless, fragile, and completely dependent on Seth. The good Lord had prepared him to fight for not only his job, his home, his kids, but now his wife. He did things for me that I still can hardly utter without full out weeping. To move us in with his parents, to take me to the hospitals (all 4 of them including across the state) and sleep in chairs so that he didn't leave my side. He dressed me, bathed me, brushed my hair, fed me, wiped my tears as I barely hung on to life. Even as I felt my spirit getting ready to leave, he pleaded with me not to leave his side. He prayed with me and over me. He carried me, and even as my body bore sores of ugliness, he told me how beautiful I was.
He loved me.
I love him. He has my undying loyalty and my eyes are only for him. We have been through so much. Even today as my muscles are swollen around my neck and shoulders, he is moving the chairs and pillows around, massaging my muscles that have turned to bone, and reassuring me that this too will pass.
Words cannot capture my love for my husband, my best friend, my soul mate. We have been to the bowels of hell more than once and yet our love grows even deeper. With each struggle both named and unnamed, we cling to each other in our ever growing love story. Who knows, maybe by the time I write my book you will hear about the great lovers and there will be Seth and Kelly;)
I am thankful to G-d for allowing the honorable man to be born on this day 34 years ago. He truly has embodied that of what G-d calls us to be. I am not saying he is perfect, as I do live with the man. But I do know that G-d has sent me pieces of heaven on Earth, and he is one of them. Seth, you have more than honored your vows to me. Each day that I am with you, you help me cling to truth. Each day that I fall, you lift me up. Each day that I cry, you wipe my tears. Each day that I explode, you put me back together. Each day that I laugh, you laugh with me. Each day that I rejoice, you dance with me. Each day.... You are by my side and I am forever grateful. I love you my sweet Seth, forever and always. I am so glad to be apart of a true love story with you. I would have it no other way. PS Put your dirty clothes in the hamper!!!! Not next to, but in!!!! (Sorry, I had to leave on a silly note. It's just how I roll) I love you, Happy Birthday.
Thank you Lord for this sweet man, we give you all of the glory.
This dance captures us perfectly. Click below to see the dance that inspired this post.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TsR1yiAe9g
Today is Seth's birthday. We rarely buy each other gifts and instead just try to do things from the heart. Writing is what I love to share, so this post today is for Seth.
If you notice the title of today is Fix You. We were watching So You Think You Can Dance a few years ago. I have never really fully appreciated the arts until a few years ago. I saw this dance and it fully captured what I feel mine and Seth's relationship has looked like in a form of dance. I'll post it at the end and it'll help the post come full circle.
Seth and I have been together for 14 years, married 13 of them. To some that is a lot, to some that is just barely beginning. For us, it is the foundation that has helped solidify our marriage. Before I fully post this, I want all of you readers to understand that it is by the grace of G-d Almighty that we are still together. We have had to fight tooth and nail for our marriage. So often I run into people that read my blog and they get the notion that our marriage is perfect and easy. On the contrary. Any time there are two people put together, there is bound to be trials. We have faced more than our fair share, but instead of turning on each other, the Lord has showed us how to hold on for dear life and push forward. With that here is my post.
I remember meeting Seth for the first time. I had just moved from Iowa with a shattered heart. I knew nobody here but my parents and sister. After months of mourning my relationship I decided to get up and fully jump back into life. I met a hairdresser, who instantly became my friend. She offered to have me come and meet her friends after a hard day's work.
I remember getting ready with my hair freshly cut, makeup applied, and an adorable form fitting yellow dress with blue flowers (that I will never fit in again). It was time to move on, whatever that looked like. We ended up at her friend's house and there were more people there that I had expected. There was an in ground swimming pool full of people. I was amazed to see one in the mid west. Where I came from, any pools were above ground, so I was really surprised. After sitting quietly for a while, a young man came and sat down and chatted with me. We talked for a couple of hours without one lull in the conversation. Did I mention it was completely dark? I was so comfortable being in the dark, yet couldn't help but wonder what he looked like. Before I knew it, everyone was moving inside. I panicked a bit. This guy seemed perfect, what if he didn't like the way I looked? What if he didn't like me? What if I didn't like the way he looked (tacky, I know)? We moved indoors and he disappeared. I sat down on the couch and began to talk with everyone else, when in he walked. I was smitten. Double dimples, blue eyes, and a smile that melted my hardened heart.
While I am very vocal, when I don't know you, I actually clam up (sorry friends, you won't see this again). I saw him and knew I had to have him. I even gave him my beeper number (yes, I said beeper). He didn't seem impressed, but I had hope. So much so, I went home and called my friend in Iowa to tell her I met the man I was going to marry.
Two weeks went by and he never called. My thoughts went to him every single day that passed. I couldn't shake the feeling we were meant to be. My friend again offered for me to get together with her friends yet again, and I figured it was time to move on (secretly hoping he would be there). He was, but this time I decided to play it cool and just talk with everyone else. This time he sought me out, and well without getting into details, we ended up together.
Pretty much after he asked me to clarify what our dating status was, we were inseparable. He loved my spunk and I loved his sweetness. He was pretty quiet and I was anything but. We were polar opposites. He loves sweets, I loved salty. He loved adventure, me, more of a homebody. But somehow it just worked. I know now that G-d had us placed together to balance each other out for what was to come. When we got married, we really did become one.
I could go on and on about all the wonders that is my husband. He has really been such an amazing influence on me. While he was a wild child as a teenager, he had become quite subdued by the time we met. All I can say is he was and still is pure love. (My eyes are welling up with tears) I was pretty immature when we met and was very opinionated (okay, some of that stuck) . There was only one way in my eyes and that was, my way. I was very harsh and very determined to do things myself. I was very independent and pretty much did everything the hard way. I didn't want any help. So it was amazing to me to meet Seth. Seth is a giver, loves to help, loves to serve, is patient and kind, and well think about anything good and that's him in a nutshell.
Little did I know how well G-d had paired us. As life moved on and our apartment burned down, my anxiety went hay wire. I didn't really have any idea that I even had anxiety till then, but through each panic attack, he loved me even more.
So when we had Aurora and the counselor announced that with one death of a child that 80% of couples go their own way. As she closed the door, I sat there pregnant knowing that my child would not live a long life and that my husband would probably leave me, I fell apart. Seth took my hand and looked into my eyes and promised me that no matter what, we would always stay together. From that moment on our bond went from earthly, to heavenly. We promised each other and we meant it.
As I grieved for Aurora, and our two little's that we never met, Seth purposefully climbed down into grieving with me. Typical men have a tendency to just keep themselves busy and just move on. Even though I know at times he wanted to, he purposefully didn't. He allowed me to cry. He allowed me to blow up as many pictures as I wanted of the kids and put them up on our walls. He never judged me, never told me it was too much, he just showed me love.
So when we had Elijah and I was on full bed rest for 30 weeks. Yes, for 30 weeks he took care of me while I was on the couch morning, noon, and night. With every amnio infusion, he was by my side cheering Elijah on. One amnio infusion went badly and I collapsed. They took me into another room as they monitored me, he sat by my side reassuring me all the way. I was with him and that was all that mattered.
Eli was born and that is where I really saw his full potential kick in. He bonded instantly with our boy and rarely left his side. He loved on Eli with his whole heart and gave everything he could to be with him. He and I eventually did his dialysis at home with meds, blood pressure, shots, mickey buttons, dextrose evaluations, and more... Seth perfected everything down to a science, it was amazing to watch. Then our little guy left for heaven, and I heard him weep. There is nothing more sad than listening to a grown man cry. Our lives were shattered, yet we were put back together like scar tissue. Scar tissue isn't as pretty as an unmarked body, yet is so tough that it's almost indestructible. We became scar tissue together. While it wasn't pretty how it happened, it has bound us for life.
In our many highs and many lows, we desperately clung to G-d. With Aurora we prayed, but by the time Elijah came, we memorized verses and searched into the bible to find G-d. We found Him and saw Him in the life and death of our son,. We braided ourselves into His presence knowing we could not survive without our Lord.
We were blessed to have Isaiah and Aria and it seemed that we were in the clear for any more trials. While losing the kids was more devastating that I can express, when I got sick, it expanded things in a way we couldn't imagine.
As I got more and more sick, my spunky firecracker (what Seth and my Grandpa call me) bigger than life self, became dim. I became helpless, fragile, and completely dependent on Seth. The good Lord had prepared him to fight for not only his job, his home, his kids, but now his wife. He did things for me that I still can hardly utter without full out weeping. To move us in with his parents, to take me to the hospitals (all 4 of them including across the state) and sleep in chairs so that he didn't leave my side. He dressed me, bathed me, brushed my hair, fed me, wiped my tears as I barely hung on to life. Even as I felt my spirit getting ready to leave, he pleaded with me not to leave his side. He prayed with me and over me. He carried me, and even as my body bore sores of ugliness, he told me how beautiful I was.
He loved me.
I love him. He has my undying loyalty and my eyes are only for him. We have been through so much. Even today as my muscles are swollen around my neck and shoulders, he is moving the chairs and pillows around, massaging my muscles that have turned to bone, and reassuring me that this too will pass.
Words cannot capture my love for my husband, my best friend, my soul mate. We have been to the bowels of hell more than once and yet our love grows even deeper. With each struggle both named and unnamed, we cling to each other in our ever growing love story. Who knows, maybe by the time I write my book you will hear about the great lovers and there will be Seth and Kelly;)
I am thankful to G-d for allowing the honorable man to be born on this day 34 years ago. He truly has embodied that of what G-d calls us to be. I am not saying he is perfect, as I do live with the man. But I do know that G-d has sent me pieces of heaven on Earth, and he is one of them. Seth, you have more than honored your vows to me. Each day that I am with you, you help me cling to truth. Each day that I fall, you lift me up. Each day that I cry, you wipe my tears. Each day that I explode, you put me back together. Each day that I laugh, you laugh with me. Each day that I rejoice, you dance with me. Each day.... You are by my side and I am forever grateful. I love you my sweet Seth, forever and always. I am so glad to be apart of a true love story with you. I would have it no other way. PS Put your dirty clothes in the hamper!!!! Not next to, but in!!!! (Sorry, I had to leave on a silly note. It's just how I roll) I love you, Happy Birthday.
Thank you Lord for this sweet man, we give you all of the glory.
This dance captures us perfectly. Click below to see the dance that inspired this post.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TsR1yiAe9g
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Elijah's Dream
Yesterday I wrote about picture day and all the silliness that followed. What I haven't written about, yet feel compelled to do so, is a subject very near and dear to my heart.
Last night we had to attend and open house for school. The kids were all abuzz about going and begged me to come along. I was surprised that they wanted me to. I had no intention to go, as I knew that the large crowds plus the heat would equal me being a bit on edge. I love the fact that they are eager to go to school and I want them to revel in that joy for as long as they can. So sometimes, I try to bow out to allow Daddy to have as much fun without me hovering over each movement. But they asked, and I know that the ages that they are in, where they aren't ashamed to be with us, is to be treasured.
So we packed everybody up and the school reminded me of a colony of a bee's buzzing to the hive to see the Queen bee. There were so many families and everyone was clustering in the halls chattering about. Some of the kids seemed so filled with joy, while others seemed to walking around bewildered and even a bit fearful. We were making way around the school to find classrooms and set up pick up plans to prepare them and me for what is in store this year.
Then it hit me, Aurora and Elijah.
I can't tell you how much they are on our minds each day. Being the parent of a child that has passed, doesn't mean that we ever get used to them being gone. I don't know how to quite explain it, but I think for those who don't know, they might assume that we just get used to them being gone, especially since they were only here for such a brief amount of time.
I can't tell you how often I struggle to answer the question of, "How many children do you have?" Do I say 2, 4, or 6?
Obviously we have 2 alive and well, but then we also had Aurora and Elijah and that makes 4. We also have had 2 miscarriages in between Eli and Aurora, which makes 6. There is always that tricky answer of who do I share my pearls with? I have found for the most it will depend on my mood and how interested the individuals really are.
We live in a society where it is not acceptable to dwell on grief. If you go into the bible and really seek out how the death of a loved one was handled, it normally entailed sack cloth and ashes, weeping, and everyone coming to surround them with whatever needs that needed. It was taken seriously. It was not belittled. It was not put off. They embraced it, as they truly acknowledged that value of life and loss. In some countries to this day, they hoist the deceased on their shoulders and wail openly and let it all out. They miss their loved one and they aren't ashamed of who knows it. It isn't judged as drama or attention seeking. It isn't annoying. It's a part of life and they weep with those who weep.
In the past few months alone I have had several friends who have had miscarriages. They know that I understand, and G-d has allowed my pain to become a safe haven for those who are experiencing the very thing we once had walked alone. They all have chosen to grieve in different ways and it has been quite the learning process for me to see that we all handle things so differently. But the one commonality is that they all need someone to listen, to feel safe with, and to know they aren't alone. So more and more I am learning to say I have 6 children. Not to mention Isaiah will rake me through the coals if I don't include our two tiniest. So we have 4 in heaven and 2 on earth.
I remember when I used to work in homes and took care of those who had lost children, in their late age they would speak openly about the little ones that they had lost long ago, but at that time they weren't allowed to talk about them. It was deemed unacceptable and I think most women really had to truck it alone and suffer in silence and alone. So I would hear them speak of their little ones and yet there was no record of children that they were speaking of. But as I listened, I understood. They were their little ones, they counted, and even after 60 and 70 years, they were missed.
I am now being told more and more about stories of elderly patients who are some where between death and life who actually speak of seeing little boys or little girls. Some know that they had siblings that had passes, while others had no clue. The crazy part, they find out later that there really was a brother or sister that had died long ago, with no mention their entire life. Yet on their parents death bed, they speak and even see the ones they had quietly missed throughout all of the years.
There is so much that I am finding out about truth. How important it is to be honest with others and share your joy and pain with others as this is not a journey meant to be traveled alone. What I am saying is that even though it's been 11 years since Aurora Passed, 10 since the miscarriages (who do have names), 9 since Elijah has passed, they are still ever present on my mind every day as much as when they first left. My thoughts go to them through out the day in wonder and in remembering.
I speak of this not to say I am in a constant state of sorrow, but that this is our reality. Some days the memories are full of joy and while others leave us with a sense of longing for what was and what was supposed to be.
So as I got out of the van yesterday it hit me. Aurora would be going into 6th grade. I can only imagine her getting her first bit of acne, her fist heavy duty crushes. Her chatting on the phone endlessly with her BFF's. Elijah, our sweet double dimpled little guy would be in 4th grade. Goodness, I can only imagine what he would have been interested in, whether it would be books, sports, or just down right playing. As I held tightly to Aria's hand and Isaiah walking snuggly next to me, I felt my eyes well up with tears in feeling their absence. I see other 11,10, and 9 year olds and I can't help but pause and ponder how different our lives would be.
I have had so many compliment our parenting style. A few have chalked it up to the fact that we only have two children and had we had all of them we wouldn't be the parents that we are. I somewhat agree but for very different reasons. For us had we had all of our children, not only would it have been a zoo, and yes I think our styles of parenting would have been different but only because we have walked a road we didn't intend to. For me, I think I am different (not better) because every day we live with the reminders of how fortunate we really are. We know what it is like to have a child take up every hour of the day with constant parenting only to be left with an empty room. I remember at times it felt eerie going into Elijah's room after he died. No longer was there the noise of dialysis machine humming, the blood pressure cuff and pulse ox beeping, no coo's, nothing.... It was all so silent. Our world became silent.
Ever since they have passed I have begged G-d for dreams about them. I have only had one dream involving Aurora and it was quite abstract. Elijah, I had one a few years ago, but it brought me little comfort.
Last night, my prayer was answered and my little man came for a visit (tears pouring from my face).
I don't remember every detail, but the room was bright and Elijah was at the age he had passed away at. Almost as if no time had passed. He was smiling at me with his double dimples and big ole soulful blue eyes. I had no indication if the room was at home or the hospital, but I didn't care. I felt such peace. I was chattering with him and encouraging him to speak. I kept on telling him how much I wanted to hear his voice. He just smiled with a coy look about him. I hugged him (seriously I am still crying) and picked him up. I felt his weight on my body and my heart was soaring. It was if I had known he had already died and I was getting those 5 extra minutes I had begged for. I was doting on every movement and all the while he is smiling. He said a short sentence and for the life of me I can't remember it, but I squealed and jumped up and down with delight. He grinned. It was if time had stood still. Life was happening all around me, but I was totally devoted to each movement he made.
He then reached for his peritoneal dialysis line. He had it most of his short life. It was coiled in a spiral underneath a layer of his belly skin. Most of the time he was tethered to it, until the dialysis was complete. Some days he would be on it all day, while others for a few hours. In his life he never messed with it. We had taped it up so that he it would be out of his reach. But in the dream he looked at me and began to pull it out. I felt a bit of panic pass through and I told him not to do that, but he just looked at me with peace in his eyes and pulled it out. A bunch of water gushed out and I ran to look for Dr. Bunchman (His Nephrologist at the time he was alive) for help. He wasn't with his partner, in fact I stopped and asked where Dr. Barletta was. He just waved the question away (which he used to do) and he walked back with me.
Aria was in my room while I was asleep. Normally once I awake, I can't get the same dream back, but for some reason I was caught between being aware of Aria and yet still dreaming of Elijah. I didn't want to wake up, I just wanted to stay with him and make sure that he was alright. I didn't feel bad, just I was just being a Mom who wanted to fix my little guy, even if only for a moment. My eyes locked with his and I saw his small little body, so full of life, right there, so close. I finally woke up and my heart was filled with a peace I can't explain. I have been crying tears of joy all day. After 8 long years, I got to hold Mr. Buddy Buddy Pants for the minutes I have begged for. I know it sounds crazy, but it was so real.
He didn't look sick, he looked happy. He wasn't puffy (edema), he was healthy pudgy. One can only speculate what the dream meant. What I took away from it was an answer to prayers. I got to be with him. It was almost as if he was showing me the way things used to be and where he is now. He doesn't need dialysis anymore. He isn't in pain. He is alive in heaven and one day I will be where he is and never have to feel the sorrow his or any of my other children's absence. It was a gift from G-d.
Am I a good Mom because of how many children I have? No. When I am good (because let's face it, sometimes I don't make the grade) I owe to G-d and for the fact of the road that He has had us walk. Some Mom's are born to be Mom's and are naturally good at it. Me, not so much. I believe G-d used their lives to shape me. To increase my faith. To make me aware of how delicate life truly is. Before them, I really had no concept of the finality of death. I had no concept of the importance of devoted parenting. I had no concept of G-d and who He really is. While the pain of daily life and all it brings doesn't diminish the hurt, it has opened my heart and my mind to keep on searching for G-d and all that his grace and truth has to offer.
I have my down days. My loved ones around me have seen me and let's face it, will continue. But on the days where I am able to keep my heart open for what G-d has in store for me, is worth more than any amount of money or hardship. No, I am not who I am because of my strength. I am who I am (and still searching) because it is my Lord that guides me, strengthens me, gives me hope when I have none, and knows me better than I know myself. He does answer prayers. Although our timing is not his timing, if you take the time to be still and wait and truly believe, He will come.
I want to encourage everyone out there, to stop and reach out to those around you. Yes, I know you are busy. I know that you are stressed out beyond belief. But as a good friend told me, when you help others around you, you have no idea how that may change the course of their life. It isn't about us, it's about others. I encourage you to go to that funeral home or funeral for someone that you knew, no matter how hard it is, no matter how busy you are. You never know the day when it could be you on the other side, needing someone to take time out of their day to enter into your pain. This can be used in any situation, a divorce, a sickness in the family, a mental illness, financial loss, drug addiction, rebellion, seriously it can apply to any and all things that seem like every day. All it takes is for one act of mercy to open one's heart to hope. You have all seen how much others have helped us. I don't think it to be coincidence. I think it to be G-d showing others just what we need when we need it.
Watch, pray, believe, dream, and be amazed.... Mama loves you Punky Pants}{
PS After much thought, in my opinion the dream showed as he was and now how I believe he is. That he no longer needs his PD line and instead of blood, possibly the water represented "living waters" that he now receives from G-d, where he thirst, hunger, and pain are no more.
Last night we had to attend and open house for school. The kids were all abuzz about going and begged me to come along. I was surprised that they wanted me to. I had no intention to go, as I knew that the large crowds plus the heat would equal me being a bit on edge. I love the fact that they are eager to go to school and I want them to revel in that joy for as long as they can. So sometimes, I try to bow out to allow Daddy to have as much fun without me hovering over each movement. But they asked, and I know that the ages that they are in, where they aren't ashamed to be with us, is to be treasured.
So we packed everybody up and the school reminded me of a colony of a bee's buzzing to the hive to see the Queen bee. There were so many families and everyone was clustering in the halls chattering about. Some of the kids seemed so filled with joy, while others seemed to walking around bewildered and even a bit fearful. We were making way around the school to find classrooms and set up pick up plans to prepare them and me for what is in store this year.
Then it hit me, Aurora and Elijah.
I can't tell you how much they are on our minds each day. Being the parent of a child that has passed, doesn't mean that we ever get used to them being gone. I don't know how to quite explain it, but I think for those who don't know, they might assume that we just get used to them being gone, especially since they were only here for such a brief amount of time.
I can't tell you how often I struggle to answer the question of, "How many children do you have?" Do I say 2, 4, or 6?
Obviously we have 2 alive and well, but then we also had Aurora and Elijah and that makes 4. We also have had 2 miscarriages in between Eli and Aurora, which makes 6. There is always that tricky answer of who do I share my pearls with? I have found for the most it will depend on my mood and how interested the individuals really are.
We live in a society where it is not acceptable to dwell on grief. If you go into the bible and really seek out how the death of a loved one was handled, it normally entailed sack cloth and ashes, weeping, and everyone coming to surround them with whatever needs that needed. It was taken seriously. It was not belittled. It was not put off. They embraced it, as they truly acknowledged that value of life and loss. In some countries to this day, they hoist the deceased on their shoulders and wail openly and let it all out. They miss their loved one and they aren't ashamed of who knows it. It isn't judged as drama or attention seeking. It isn't annoying. It's a part of life and they weep with those who weep.
In the past few months alone I have had several friends who have had miscarriages. They know that I understand, and G-d has allowed my pain to become a safe haven for those who are experiencing the very thing we once had walked alone. They all have chosen to grieve in different ways and it has been quite the learning process for me to see that we all handle things so differently. But the one commonality is that they all need someone to listen, to feel safe with, and to know they aren't alone. So more and more I am learning to say I have 6 children. Not to mention Isaiah will rake me through the coals if I don't include our two tiniest. So we have 4 in heaven and 2 on earth.
I remember when I used to work in homes and took care of those who had lost children, in their late age they would speak openly about the little ones that they had lost long ago, but at that time they weren't allowed to talk about them. It was deemed unacceptable and I think most women really had to truck it alone and suffer in silence and alone. So I would hear them speak of their little ones and yet there was no record of children that they were speaking of. But as I listened, I understood. They were their little ones, they counted, and even after 60 and 70 years, they were missed.
I am now being told more and more about stories of elderly patients who are some where between death and life who actually speak of seeing little boys or little girls. Some know that they had siblings that had passes, while others had no clue. The crazy part, they find out later that there really was a brother or sister that had died long ago, with no mention their entire life. Yet on their parents death bed, they speak and even see the ones they had quietly missed throughout all of the years.
There is so much that I am finding out about truth. How important it is to be honest with others and share your joy and pain with others as this is not a journey meant to be traveled alone. What I am saying is that even though it's been 11 years since Aurora Passed, 10 since the miscarriages (who do have names), 9 since Elijah has passed, they are still ever present on my mind every day as much as when they first left. My thoughts go to them through out the day in wonder and in remembering.
I speak of this not to say I am in a constant state of sorrow, but that this is our reality. Some days the memories are full of joy and while others leave us with a sense of longing for what was and what was supposed to be.
So as I got out of the van yesterday it hit me. Aurora would be going into 6th grade. I can only imagine her getting her first bit of acne, her fist heavy duty crushes. Her chatting on the phone endlessly with her BFF's. Elijah, our sweet double dimpled little guy would be in 4th grade. Goodness, I can only imagine what he would have been interested in, whether it would be books, sports, or just down right playing. As I held tightly to Aria's hand and Isaiah walking snuggly next to me, I felt my eyes well up with tears in feeling their absence. I see other 11,10, and 9 year olds and I can't help but pause and ponder how different our lives would be.
I have had so many compliment our parenting style. A few have chalked it up to the fact that we only have two children and had we had all of them we wouldn't be the parents that we are. I somewhat agree but for very different reasons. For us had we had all of our children, not only would it have been a zoo, and yes I think our styles of parenting would have been different but only because we have walked a road we didn't intend to. For me, I think I am different (not better) because every day we live with the reminders of how fortunate we really are. We know what it is like to have a child take up every hour of the day with constant parenting only to be left with an empty room. I remember at times it felt eerie going into Elijah's room after he died. No longer was there the noise of dialysis machine humming, the blood pressure cuff and pulse ox beeping, no coo's, nothing.... It was all so silent. Our world became silent.
Ever since they have passed I have begged G-d for dreams about them. I have only had one dream involving Aurora and it was quite abstract. Elijah, I had one a few years ago, but it brought me little comfort.
Last night, my prayer was answered and my little man came for a visit (tears pouring from my face).
I don't remember every detail, but the room was bright and Elijah was at the age he had passed away at. Almost as if no time had passed. He was smiling at me with his double dimples and big ole soulful blue eyes. I had no indication if the room was at home or the hospital, but I didn't care. I felt such peace. I was chattering with him and encouraging him to speak. I kept on telling him how much I wanted to hear his voice. He just smiled with a coy look about him. I hugged him (seriously I am still crying) and picked him up. I felt his weight on my body and my heart was soaring. It was if I had known he had already died and I was getting those 5 extra minutes I had begged for. I was doting on every movement and all the while he is smiling. He said a short sentence and for the life of me I can't remember it, but I squealed and jumped up and down with delight. He grinned. It was if time had stood still. Life was happening all around me, but I was totally devoted to each movement he made.
He then reached for his peritoneal dialysis line. He had it most of his short life. It was coiled in a spiral underneath a layer of his belly skin. Most of the time he was tethered to it, until the dialysis was complete. Some days he would be on it all day, while others for a few hours. In his life he never messed with it. We had taped it up so that he it would be out of his reach. But in the dream he looked at me and began to pull it out. I felt a bit of panic pass through and I told him not to do that, but he just looked at me with peace in his eyes and pulled it out. A bunch of water gushed out and I ran to look for Dr. Bunchman (His Nephrologist at the time he was alive) for help. He wasn't with his partner, in fact I stopped and asked where Dr. Barletta was. He just waved the question away (which he used to do) and he walked back with me.
Aria was in my room while I was asleep. Normally once I awake, I can't get the same dream back, but for some reason I was caught between being aware of Aria and yet still dreaming of Elijah. I didn't want to wake up, I just wanted to stay with him and make sure that he was alright. I didn't feel bad, just I was just being a Mom who wanted to fix my little guy, even if only for a moment. My eyes locked with his and I saw his small little body, so full of life, right there, so close. I finally woke up and my heart was filled with a peace I can't explain. I have been crying tears of joy all day. After 8 long years, I got to hold Mr. Buddy Buddy Pants for the minutes I have begged for. I know it sounds crazy, but it was so real.
He didn't look sick, he looked happy. He wasn't puffy (edema), he was healthy pudgy. One can only speculate what the dream meant. What I took away from it was an answer to prayers. I got to be with him. It was almost as if he was showing me the way things used to be and where he is now. He doesn't need dialysis anymore. He isn't in pain. He is alive in heaven and one day I will be where he is and never have to feel the sorrow his or any of my other children's absence. It was a gift from G-d.
Am I a good Mom because of how many children I have? No. When I am good (because let's face it, sometimes I don't make the grade) I owe to G-d and for the fact of the road that He has had us walk. Some Mom's are born to be Mom's and are naturally good at it. Me, not so much. I believe G-d used their lives to shape me. To increase my faith. To make me aware of how delicate life truly is. Before them, I really had no concept of the finality of death. I had no concept of the importance of devoted parenting. I had no concept of G-d and who He really is. While the pain of daily life and all it brings doesn't diminish the hurt, it has opened my heart and my mind to keep on searching for G-d and all that his grace and truth has to offer.
I have my down days. My loved ones around me have seen me and let's face it, will continue. But on the days where I am able to keep my heart open for what G-d has in store for me, is worth more than any amount of money or hardship. No, I am not who I am because of my strength. I am who I am (and still searching) because it is my Lord that guides me, strengthens me, gives me hope when I have none, and knows me better than I know myself. He does answer prayers. Although our timing is not his timing, if you take the time to be still and wait and truly believe, He will come.
I want to encourage everyone out there, to stop and reach out to those around you. Yes, I know you are busy. I know that you are stressed out beyond belief. But as a good friend told me, when you help others around you, you have no idea how that may change the course of their life. It isn't about us, it's about others. I encourage you to go to that funeral home or funeral for someone that you knew, no matter how hard it is, no matter how busy you are. You never know the day when it could be you on the other side, needing someone to take time out of their day to enter into your pain. This can be used in any situation, a divorce, a sickness in the family, a mental illness, financial loss, drug addiction, rebellion, seriously it can apply to any and all things that seem like every day. All it takes is for one act of mercy to open one's heart to hope. You have all seen how much others have helped us. I don't think it to be coincidence. I think it to be G-d showing others just what we need when we need it.
Watch, pray, believe, dream, and be amazed.... Mama loves you Punky Pants}{
PS After much thought, in my opinion the dream showed as he was and now how I believe he is. That he no longer needs his PD line and instead of blood, possibly the water represented "living waters" that he now receives from G-d, where he thirst, hunger, and pain are no more.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Adventures in Picture Day
Today was picture day for the kids school. I don't know about you, but picture day for me was pretty much a huge ordeal. I am telling you the honest truth that every odd year 1st, 3rd, 5th,.... something happened to deform my pictures. This was back in the day when they did pictures without parental supervision.
Apparently I had anxiety at a young age and was overly aware of what was going on. I remember specifically 5th grade picture day. I woke up feeling good (I was sick a lot as a child) and figure, Score!!! So this was back in the day of bad perms and skyscraper bangs (Don't deny it people, we all did it!) and I was determined to get mine to the perfect height. Just the right amount of hairspray to hold it all day (I sadly admit to contribution to the hole in the ozone due to all of my aerosol cans of hairspray) and voila! I got my best dress on and pretty much was very pleased with myself that I had beaten the odd year curse.
Carefully I walked down to the bus stop, picture order in my hand and practicing flashing my best smile but without showing my teeth (I had a gap). So as we waited in the chilliness of the day for our bus, my eye started to itch. I couldn't figure out why, but just blew it off. By the time the bus had gotten there, something was horribly wrong. I could barely see out of my eye and I had no clue what was going on. Being that I was around 11, no one on the bus bothered to tell me the ugly truth, my eyelid was swelling. We pulled up to the school and I quick ran to the bathroom and my eye was swollen shut, bright pink, and puffy. Seriously... So they had to call my parents to come and get me and my victory was snuffed out as quickly as it had started. We later went to the doctor and they were never able to figure out what had happened.... The curse of the odd year pictures carried on all the way through 11th grade and yes, even to this day it still manages to make way into our collage of pictures. I am many things, but photogenic is not one of them.
Which brings us to today. Thankfully our kid's school does the pictures before school begins, which is AWESOME! Seth has had the pamphlets taped to the wall, but honestly it has been my form of denial of summer ending, so I have refused to look at them. But alas today was the day I had to make a decision of what package to pick from and so on.
Alright, rant of the day. HOLY COW!! Kids school pictures are so stinkin' expensive! All I want in a 8x10 for us and 2 5x7's for the grandparents, and a class picture. That's it. No frills, just basics people. I know it sounds horrible, but now a days we take so many pictures that we don't need to mail everyone a photo, although I am sure it would be nice. But on top of that, the cost was shocking! You can't order a la carte, unless you order a huge package. I can't tell my kids I am not going to order pictures, that would just be devastating. So I found the best package that we swallow and signed the checks with a big gulp and thought to myself, we'll make the best out of it and make them look fabulous!
So I figured let's make this fun for them and get them all dolled up. Aria's hair was a bit wavy so I offered to flat iron her hair if she wanted. She loved this idea as I have only done it one other time. I laid out all the hair pretties for her to choose from and let her choose. Of course she picked the one I wasn't to keen on, but whatever. I wanted her to have fun and to make her own choices. So, I managed to trash two rooms in less than one hour pulling everything out to make things easily accessible. We brushed teeth till they sparkled. Cleaned all remnants of lunch off of their faces (this is big people) and picked out nice little outfits to be dazzling in. Aria pleaded for some make up (and so it begins) so I appeased her with a little blush and barely there lip gloss. Isaiah was a piece of cake to do his hair and then we practiced smiling.
Practice smiling? Yes, there is a difference in how they smile. So far cheese smiles, look cheesy and as though they are going to get a shot of some sort. So I kept on trying to have them think about funny things and to giggle. Fine, well done, good enough, let's go.
Going by myself was a big step in itself. It might not seem like much, but for me, these things can be a challenge energy wise. Any time I go somewhere I have to figure out it there is a place to sit down in case I get winded. Especially if I am feeling anxious. I didn't know what to expect going during the day, but I figured there would be less people and that would make things easier to navigate and hopefully not have to stand in line for a long time.
Kids, check. Picture forms signed and paid for, check. Car keys, check. Brush for mishaps, double check. Aria seemed to be feeling good enough to go, so off we went. This is when things get a bit sticky.
I pull up to the school and there were only a few cars, so already it's a bonus. So I happily hop out of the van and free the kids from their seatbelts. I look at Aria and her head band and hair is a complete mess. People, it takes like 3 minutes to get to their school. How do you mess your hair up in 3 minutes?! Not only that but as she gets out, her skirt is sliding down lower and lower so that her undies are showing. What on earth? Her skirt fit just fine at home and now it's about to shimmy down her legs. Okay, no sweat hike it up and let's get out of here, I just need the brush. The brush... Where is the brush! Where did it go? I start thrashing around the van tipping things on their side, looking under, over, and even on the ceiling (hey, with kids you never know), nothing. No brush (insert panic). Aria looks like she just came out of the jungle and with the mono her little face already looks a bit sickly and now the hair just completes the deal.
I know, I know, there are worse things in life. Trust me, we of all people know that. Honestly, this is just for pure entertainment value and to remind myself to keep on laughing. Not only that, but I think G-d is allowing me to deal with situations so that I can grow. Anxiety and fear have been some of my biggest enemies, so really with each situation I have been trying to force myself to face my fears head on.
So now Aria looks like Cousin It and her skirt is barely hanging on, her panda undies are peeking through, and then I realize, her shirt is too small. Her belly button is hanging out, sigh. How did I not notice? For a split second I contemplated going home and just go in later with Seth. No. NO!!! I can do this myself! I have to try. So what if things aren't perfect, life is messy. I don't want to fall into my usual trap of trying to wait till things are perfect, it doesn't happen.
So we walked in and made our way to photographers. I smoothed out Aria's hair as best as possible, pulled down her shirt and we went for it. Isaiah stood on one side and Aria on the other and they both got them done at same time. Being the helicopter/control freak Mom that I am this was pretty frustrating. I found myself pacing back and forth (and I wonder why I have stomach issues) trying to make them laugh. Isaiah was pretty set on his own. I decided that ship had sailed and to just let go. Aria on the other hand was posing, yes posing. She cocked her head to the side, put her arms up, anything to make it a more glamorous shot. I wanted to laugh my tush off. The poor photographer was trying her best to be patient and instruct Aria on what to do. All the while Aria has this smile that reminded me of someone who was on their way to get a root canal. She couldn't smile. It was like she froze in terror. So the lady snaps a shot and Aria at the last second throws up her hands. The lady by now is getting frustrated and begs Aria to keep her hands down. I am trying to be silly in the background but nothing was helping.
I felt at that moment my body surrender. I found myself thinking to G-d, alright I am letting go. It doesn't matter how much money is involved, this isn't worth it. Click. They let me look at the photos. Isaiah's is smiling so hard that you can hardly see his eyes and Aria looks constipated, done. The lady nicely asked if I wanted to retake it again. My control freak ways wanted to say "YES!" But then I said, "No, that is fine."
After all, each photo doesn't have to perfect. In fact there is something to be said about those photographs where things are messy. They give better stories and they can create laughter instead of memories of anxiety and living up to an expectation that cannot be filled. I want my kids to feel okay with themselves and not give into the lie that everything needs to be perfect.
Where there is perfection (by human standards) there is stress. I can only imagine how many fun memories we could have made in letting things just be more relaxed. Maybe I should have just let her hair be crazy and not made her practice her smile so that she really would want to smile. Either way, I have learned a huge lesson. Just let go... It's a lesson that I seem to be coming to terms with over and over again, and my type A personality just kicks in and sucks the fun out whatever might have been.
Besides, I am alive. I got to take my kids to picture day for the first time ever, on my own!!! I have been too sick the past few years to even go. Aria got glammed up and loved every moment of it. Isaiah and I got to discuss the benefits of hair smoothing gel. More than anything, they thought it was fun. The part that got me to laugh was finding the brush in the van. Yes, it was there all along but wasn't found until after the pictures. Okay G-d I get it, release the control and just trust and enjoy each moment. And when things don't go the way you expect, you know there will be great story to share.
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers for Aria and our entire family. I know mono isn't that big of a deal compared to all of the other stuff we have had to deal with, but when it's your kid you never like to see them in pain or not feeling well. I have learned to have empathy for even the simplest of things as let's face it, life can be a bit overwhelming and it's the little stuff that seems to make me snap.
Watch, pray, believe, laugh, and be amazed.
Apparently I had anxiety at a young age and was overly aware of what was going on. I remember specifically 5th grade picture day. I woke up feeling good (I was sick a lot as a child) and figure, Score!!! So this was back in the day of bad perms and skyscraper bangs (Don't deny it people, we all did it!) and I was determined to get mine to the perfect height. Just the right amount of hairspray to hold it all day (I sadly admit to contribution to the hole in the ozone due to all of my aerosol cans of hairspray) and voila! I got my best dress on and pretty much was very pleased with myself that I had beaten the odd year curse.
Carefully I walked down to the bus stop, picture order in my hand and practicing flashing my best smile but without showing my teeth (I had a gap). So as we waited in the chilliness of the day for our bus, my eye started to itch. I couldn't figure out why, but just blew it off. By the time the bus had gotten there, something was horribly wrong. I could barely see out of my eye and I had no clue what was going on. Being that I was around 11, no one on the bus bothered to tell me the ugly truth, my eyelid was swelling. We pulled up to the school and I quick ran to the bathroom and my eye was swollen shut, bright pink, and puffy. Seriously... So they had to call my parents to come and get me and my victory was snuffed out as quickly as it had started. We later went to the doctor and they were never able to figure out what had happened.... The curse of the odd year pictures carried on all the way through 11th grade and yes, even to this day it still manages to make way into our collage of pictures. I am many things, but photogenic is not one of them.
Which brings us to today. Thankfully our kid's school does the pictures before school begins, which is AWESOME! Seth has had the pamphlets taped to the wall, but honestly it has been my form of denial of summer ending, so I have refused to look at them. But alas today was the day I had to make a decision of what package to pick from and so on.
Alright, rant of the day. HOLY COW!! Kids school pictures are so stinkin' expensive! All I want in a 8x10 for us and 2 5x7's for the grandparents, and a class picture. That's it. No frills, just basics people. I know it sounds horrible, but now a days we take so many pictures that we don't need to mail everyone a photo, although I am sure it would be nice. But on top of that, the cost was shocking! You can't order a la carte, unless you order a huge package. I can't tell my kids I am not going to order pictures, that would just be devastating. So I found the best package that we swallow and signed the checks with a big gulp and thought to myself, we'll make the best out of it and make them look fabulous!
So I figured let's make this fun for them and get them all dolled up. Aria's hair was a bit wavy so I offered to flat iron her hair if she wanted. She loved this idea as I have only done it one other time. I laid out all the hair pretties for her to choose from and let her choose. Of course she picked the one I wasn't to keen on, but whatever. I wanted her to have fun and to make her own choices. So, I managed to trash two rooms in less than one hour pulling everything out to make things easily accessible. We brushed teeth till they sparkled. Cleaned all remnants of lunch off of their faces (this is big people) and picked out nice little outfits to be dazzling in. Aria pleaded for some make up (and so it begins) so I appeased her with a little blush and barely there lip gloss. Isaiah was a piece of cake to do his hair and then we practiced smiling.
Practice smiling? Yes, there is a difference in how they smile. So far cheese smiles, look cheesy and as though they are going to get a shot of some sort. So I kept on trying to have them think about funny things and to giggle. Fine, well done, good enough, let's go.
Going by myself was a big step in itself. It might not seem like much, but for me, these things can be a challenge energy wise. Any time I go somewhere I have to figure out it there is a place to sit down in case I get winded. Especially if I am feeling anxious. I didn't know what to expect going during the day, but I figured there would be less people and that would make things easier to navigate and hopefully not have to stand in line for a long time.
Kids, check. Picture forms signed and paid for, check. Car keys, check. Brush for mishaps, double check. Aria seemed to be feeling good enough to go, so off we went. This is when things get a bit sticky.
I pull up to the school and there were only a few cars, so already it's a bonus. So I happily hop out of the van and free the kids from their seatbelts. I look at Aria and her head band and hair is a complete mess. People, it takes like 3 minutes to get to their school. How do you mess your hair up in 3 minutes?! Not only that but as she gets out, her skirt is sliding down lower and lower so that her undies are showing. What on earth? Her skirt fit just fine at home and now it's about to shimmy down her legs. Okay, no sweat hike it up and let's get out of here, I just need the brush. The brush... Where is the brush! Where did it go? I start thrashing around the van tipping things on their side, looking under, over, and even on the ceiling (hey, with kids you never know), nothing. No brush (insert panic). Aria looks like she just came out of the jungle and with the mono her little face already looks a bit sickly and now the hair just completes the deal.
I know, I know, there are worse things in life. Trust me, we of all people know that. Honestly, this is just for pure entertainment value and to remind myself to keep on laughing. Not only that, but I think G-d is allowing me to deal with situations so that I can grow. Anxiety and fear have been some of my biggest enemies, so really with each situation I have been trying to force myself to face my fears head on.
So now Aria looks like Cousin It and her skirt is barely hanging on, her panda undies are peeking through, and then I realize, her shirt is too small. Her belly button is hanging out, sigh. How did I not notice? For a split second I contemplated going home and just go in later with Seth. No. NO!!! I can do this myself! I have to try. So what if things aren't perfect, life is messy. I don't want to fall into my usual trap of trying to wait till things are perfect, it doesn't happen.
So we walked in and made our way to photographers. I smoothed out Aria's hair as best as possible, pulled down her shirt and we went for it. Isaiah stood on one side and Aria on the other and they both got them done at same time. Being the helicopter/control freak Mom that I am this was pretty frustrating. I found myself pacing back and forth (and I wonder why I have stomach issues) trying to make them laugh. Isaiah was pretty set on his own. I decided that ship had sailed and to just let go. Aria on the other hand was posing, yes posing. She cocked her head to the side, put her arms up, anything to make it a more glamorous shot. I wanted to laugh my tush off. The poor photographer was trying her best to be patient and instruct Aria on what to do. All the while Aria has this smile that reminded me of someone who was on their way to get a root canal. She couldn't smile. It was like she froze in terror. So the lady snaps a shot and Aria at the last second throws up her hands. The lady by now is getting frustrated and begs Aria to keep her hands down. I am trying to be silly in the background but nothing was helping.
I felt at that moment my body surrender. I found myself thinking to G-d, alright I am letting go. It doesn't matter how much money is involved, this isn't worth it. Click. They let me look at the photos. Isaiah's is smiling so hard that you can hardly see his eyes and Aria looks constipated, done. The lady nicely asked if I wanted to retake it again. My control freak ways wanted to say "YES!" But then I said, "No, that is fine."
After all, each photo doesn't have to perfect. In fact there is something to be said about those photographs where things are messy. They give better stories and they can create laughter instead of memories of anxiety and living up to an expectation that cannot be filled. I want my kids to feel okay with themselves and not give into the lie that everything needs to be perfect.
Where there is perfection (by human standards) there is stress. I can only imagine how many fun memories we could have made in letting things just be more relaxed. Maybe I should have just let her hair be crazy and not made her practice her smile so that she really would want to smile. Either way, I have learned a huge lesson. Just let go... It's a lesson that I seem to be coming to terms with over and over again, and my type A personality just kicks in and sucks the fun out whatever might have been.
Besides, I am alive. I got to take my kids to picture day for the first time ever, on my own!!! I have been too sick the past few years to even go. Aria got glammed up and loved every moment of it. Isaiah and I got to discuss the benefits of hair smoothing gel. More than anything, they thought it was fun. The part that got me to laugh was finding the brush in the van. Yes, it was there all along but wasn't found until after the pictures. Okay G-d I get it, release the control and just trust and enjoy each moment. And when things don't go the way you expect, you know there will be great story to share.
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers for Aria and our entire family. I know mono isn't that big of a deal compared to all of the other stuff we have had to deal with, but when it's your kid you never like to see them in pain or not feeling well. I have learned to have empathy for even the simplest of things as let's face it, life can be a bit overwhelming and it's the little stuff that seems to make me snap.
Watch, pray, believe, laugh, and be amazed.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Lab Results and Writing
For those who read my blog, yesterday I posted about Aria not feeling well. While it may seem odd that I resort to letting people pray at any little affliction, we have been through a lot and we take things very seriously.
When we left I had suspected a UTI and the office wanted to see her sooner than later. I don't know how to explain it, but this past week she just has seemed off. Not whiny, just almost melancholy, which is so opposite of here. I had hesitated to make an appointment sooner, as I didn't have enough to go on and frankly we try to avoid the doctor's office as much as possible.
While I wasn't keen about the idea of antibiotics (I know too much) I figured we'd bite the bullet and get it over with it. But then Seth called to notify me her UA came back negative but that they detected glucose in her urine. The biggest thing they were suspecting was diabetes. I was stunned. I know it is a management process, but some people with diabetes are at risk for so many issues, one of them being GP amongst many other things.
Like I said, we have a wide variant of people that we know. One of them was a friend of ours who is diabetic and she ended up going into a diabetic coma while nursing her infant son and he ended up passing away. We know so many other stories and I know diabetes is nothing to push off. So I called my friend and she prayed with me.
I figured if all was okay or manageable that they wouldn't call for a while. At about 11:30 last night I finally started to relax and figure that nothing was up and we prepared to go to bed. The phone rang and my blood ran cold.
First I will say, Thanks be to G-d in heaven as it is not cancer or diabetes!!! So we rejoice in that news. What they did find was Mono. All I could think was, she must have licked something! Proof all the more that she really does lick stuff! As most of you know Mono is more commonly found in teenagers than children (at least that is what I thought). She isn't contagious as long as she isn't running a fever, but her symptoms will ebb and flow.
I kept on wondering why she seemed so down lately and apparently she is just exhausted and she is in pain. I know from being a teenager when it spread around school and when I had gotten it, I felt like doody and I missed a huge chunk of school that year. I just remember being so sleepy and achy. The other thing we have watch is her spleen. She has been complaining that her tummy hurts and being that she threw up, they attributed it to that she is in pain. So they have advised us to be extra vigilant about making sure we protect her abdomen from any trauma. So we are going to be relaxing for the next week or so and making sure she isn't running around to protect her little belly.
Mono can be contagious with a fever (although they said it's more sharing utensils or swapping spit), so we are asking for prayers that she would recover quickly and also that it would not spread to the rest of us (if your read my post a week ago about the soap up her nose, we ended up swapping spit (insert shutter)). Seth and I are already so run down and my immune system has taken quite a beating this past few years. We have school right around the corner and I have am just praying for the anxiety to subside. I realize that kids are going to pick up things and this is just part of life. I know that G-d is working on me to help me overcome my fears and apparently he is having me face them head on, and since I am human I get easily overwhelmed.
So I as you may have noticed I am returning to writing. I feel the Lord has given me the drive to write, to provide me with an emotional outlet, to remember, and hopefully to inspire others in any way that the Lord deems fit. My goal is to share in my journey to connect with others and to move forward.
I love comments and to be able to interact with my readers, so feel free to share! On a positive note Aria has been a bit more smiley today. We do ask for prayers for our whole family right now for healing and blessings. This past decade(yes, I said decade) has been a bit overwhelming and Seth and I are worn out. At the same time I can't complain as I feel with each trial that we have been blessed to see G-d's mighty hand at work. I am still believing that my healing from my stomach issues, and my heart and soul are in process. We are thankful for the words of encouragement, the family and friends that we are blessed to have (especially those who truly have been there when things spiral out of control), and most of all for a G-d that hears our cries and extends his new mercies every day.
Again, I realize there are many of you who have someone who are truly in the thick of some life threatening illnesses. I am not trying to be dramatic about something that may seem insignificant compared to other issues in this life. If you are a parent, you know that if your child is hurt, you hurt. The one thing I have learned about trials, no matter how big or small they are, it's still a trial.
Anyways, I pray that you all enjoy these last few weeks of summer. That you are able to enjoy running around in shorts and not winter garb! I hope you are able to make memories with your families of joy and laughter, as life circumstances can seem overwhelming and sometimes snuff out the beauty that is all around you. Keep looking for those daily blessings and rejoice as this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! Thank you for reading and caring about our family, may you be blessed:)
When we left I had suspected a UTI and the office wanted to see her sooner than later. I don't know how to explain it, but this past week she just has seemed off. Not whiny, just almost melancholy, which is so opposite of here. I had hesitated to make an appointment sooner, as I didn't have enough to go on and frankly we try to avoid the doctor's office as much as possible.
While I wasn't keen about the idea of antibiotics (I know too much) I figured we'd bite the bullet and get it over with it. But then Seth called to notify me her UA came back negative but that they detected glucose in her urine. The biggest thing they were suspecting was diabetes. I was stunned. I know it is a management process, but some people with diabetes are at risk for so many issues, one of them being GP amongst many other things.
Like I said, we have a wide variant of people that we know. One of them was a friend of ours who is diabetic and she ended up going into a diabetic coma while nursing her infant son and he ended up passing away. We know so many other stories and I know diabetes is nothing to push off. So I called my friend and she prayed with me.
I figured if all was okay or manageable that they wouldn't call for a while. At about 11:30 last night I finally started to relax and figure that nothing was up and we prepared to go to bed. The phone rang and my blood ran cold.
First I will say, Thanks be to G-d in heaven as it is not cancer or diabetes!!! So we rejoice in that news. What they did find was Mono. All I could think was, she must have licked something! Proof all the more that she really does lick stuff! As most of you know Mono is more commonly found in teenagers than children (at least that is what I thought). She isn't contagious as long as she isn't running a fever, but her symptoms will ebb and flow.
I kept on wondering why she seemed so down lately and apparently she is just exhausted and she is in pain. I know from being a teenager when it spread around school and when I had gotten it, I felt like doody and I missed a huge chunk of school that year. I just remember being so sleepy and achy. The other thing we have watch is her spleen. She has been complaining that her tummy hurts and being that she threw up, they attributed it to that she is in pain. So they have advised us to be extra vigilant about making sure we protect her abdomen from any trauma. So we are going to be relaxing for the next week or so and making sure she isn't running around to protect her little belly.
Mono can be contagious with a fever (although they said it's more sharing utensils or swapping spit), so we are asking for prayers that she would recover quickly and also that it would not spread to the rest of us (if your read my post a week ago about the soap up her nose, we ended up swapping spit (insert shutter)). Seth and I are already so run down and my immune system has taken quite a beating this past few years. We have school right around the corner and I have am just praying for the anxiety to subside. I realize that kids are going to pick up things and this is just part of life. I know that G-d is working on me to help me overcome my fears and apparently he is having me face them head on, and since I am human I get easily overwhelmed.
So I as you may have noticed I am returning to writing. I feel the Lord has given me the drive to write, to provide me with an emotional outlet, to remember, and hopefully to inspire others in any way that the Lord deems fit. My goal is to share in my journey to connect with others and to move forward.
I love comments and to be able to interact with my readers, so feel free to share! On a positive note Aria has been a bit more smiley today. We do ask for prayers for our whole family right now for healing and blessings. This past decade(yes, I said decade) has been a bit overwhelming and Seth and I are worn out. At the same time I can't complain as I feel with each trial that we have been blessed to see G-d's mighty hand at work. I am still believing that my healing from my stomach issues, and my heart and soul are in process. We are thankful for the words of encouragement, the family and friends that we are blessed to have (especially those who truly have been there when things spiral out of control), and most of all for a G-d that hears our cries and extends his new mercies every day.
Again, I realize there are many of you who have someone who are truly in the thick of some life threatening illnesses. I am not trying to be dramatic about something that may seem insignificant compared to other issues in this life. If you are a parent, you know that if your child is hurt, you hurt. The one thing I have learned about trials, no matter how big or small they are, it's still a trial.
Anyways, I pray that you all enjoy these last few weeks of summer. That you are able to enjoy running around in shorts and not winter garb! I hope you are able to make memories with your families of joy and laughter, as life circumstances can seem overwhelming and sometimes snuff out the beauty that is all around you. Keep looking for those daily blessings and rejoice as this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! Thank you for reading and caring about our family, may you be blessed:)
Thursday, August 22, 2013
And the Bottom Drops Out
We last left off on the drama of the Cozy Critter soap up my daughter's nose. We were hoping for some boring days to come, but alas, adventure is always right around the corner.
Seth has recently joined a men's bible study. I am thrilled for him as my bible study has become a safe haven for me. So far every week they pick a guy's house to meet at and then they provide dinner. Sounds good right? It did to me until Seth comes home last week to notify that he volunteered our house. Say what?? Let me clean the wax out of my ear or maybe my hearing aid battery died. I thought to myself, has he lost his mind???
What's the big deal? I am sure you may be wondering. Believe me, two and half years ago, I would have been all about this. I would have been in the kitchen, cooking up a storm and cleaning like a mad woman to prove we really don't live in a pig sty (okay, so it's not that bad, but kids=mess). I am so pleased with this group of men that he is with so I would LOVE to open our home and say "Me casa, es su casa!" (pretty good for three years of Spanish)
But the reality of the situation is, I have little to no energy. Seriously, tortoises walk faster than I do. My cooking skills are, okay, but not where I would love them to be. Still, I saw my husband's eyes light up with joy at the thought of us hosting. (sigh, must he be so darn cute)
So what is a wife to do? I caved. I didn't know how it would get done, but I figure, we'll get there. As each day that passes by, we are getting school papers to have meet and greets with the teacher, pictures, open house, relatives visiting, play dates, friends, juicing (it takes a lot of time), cleaning, organizing, back to school shopping, panic, terror, and cleaning... Did I forget anything?
As each envelope and call comes in to book up our calendar, I kept on looking at Thursday. You see, to the average American they are overbooked and have a million things to do a day. For me, especially since getting sick, one thing a week is good. One thing a day is overwhelming. Multiple things is insanity! As I glanced at Thursday, I noticed there were 3 big appointments. So I casually yet a bit nervously asked Seth, "uuuuuummm, so.... Have you noticed that you have the dentist, a school teacher meeting, and your bible study all in one night?" Seth replies with a "I've got it under control, it's not biggie. Don't sweat about it."
I have recently been making it my goal to not micro manage. I know that G-d wants me to trust in certain areas of my life, so I am trying hard to release the reigns of control over to my Hubs when he feels he is able. So, released I go. Aria had her birthday on Monday. We tend to be fly by the seat of our pants kind of family. I try not to plan too much in case my body doesn't cooperate. So on her birthday, the weather was nice enough to go swimming at our friends house that we haven't seen much. So off we went. As we are there I see a giant bowl of blueberries. To which I found out that literally up the street is a place that we can pick blueberries for a buck a pound. For the first time in a while I happened to have some cash on me (which never happens) and as soon as Seth got off of work we quick ran over and picked blueberries. All the while I am shouting to the family, "Pick as fast as you can they are about to close!!"" So Seth and I are picking like mad people as our kids casually saunter around to each bush to investigate and discuss each single blueberry. By then I am sweating like a pig. Aria is wearing her bathing suit since I didn't know we were going to pick blueberries and her fancy dress was packed to be worn. I am stepping in what I can only hope is mud, but still and not sure what it is. My heart is racing as the sign list it's hours and says, No Exceptions!!! So another words, pick and be out of here on time.
I find myself trying to savor the moment. I am blueberry picking!! Yet panic is hurrying each movement along as I call out like some crazy couch "Pick!! Pick! Less yapping and more picking!" Finally after a half hour we all run to van with our bucket in tow and the kids are giggling to see their parents running with our arms flailing about. We jump into the van and pay and drive like we just made a robbery of some sort. We all breathe sighs of relief only to hear "I'm hungry!" Yes, yes, they need to eat you foolish woman. Going out to eat is next to impossible with my dietary issues, but also now Isaiah can rarely eat out as well. So I have a brilliant idea. "Hey Ar... what do you think about spaghetti from last night?" I felt so bad, left overs for a birthday dinner, my heart sank with guilt. Thankfully she is the easiest going kid, "sure!!" Sweet, score one with the easy going kid. So left overs and blueberries for the birthday girl. Nothing was planned, but it all worked out well.
But with each day that passed, my energy has been drained quickly. By 5 PM, I am spent. Everyday I pray with great goals to achieve, but realistically I know if I get more than two off of the list, I have hit a jackpot. The odd thing was though, our super easy going girl has been a bit off. She had a couple of accidents, which hasn't happened since she was potty training. My brain quickly pondered a bladder infection, but then I dismissed it. As each day that is going by our days are filling with preparations for school and even readying myself as I am a night owl and I don't care to catch the worm in the early morning. All the while I am noticing Aria is just not acting like herself. I found myself thinking about it, but then figured it might be a growth spurt.
All I know is I made her an avocado, hummus, cheese, and purple sweet pepper sandwich and the little vegetarian wouldn't touch it. This was so odd for her and yesterday was not my finest Mommy moments. I have been feeling overwhelmed with our packed schedule and now she wasn't eating something I know she likes ( big flashing light!) and I was just down right annoyed. I set the clock, and that is normally a sure fire bet they know I am serious. Nothing. Let's just say I pulled out all of my best threats, tricks, and even full out discipline. I am not short order cook, you eat what we have, bottom line.
Nothing.
That should have been a huge red flag, but my head was in the clouds with idea's of perfect parenting planning. Yeah, no. So I prayed a lot this morning. I prayed for the patience to deal with things appropriately and to do it with a loving heart. I waited for her to come into my room like she always does, nothing. Hmmm... where is she. So I go into her room after quite of a bit of time passed and there she was, sound asleep.
Now the alarms in my head are going off, she's sick. Yes, the one time I really stick with my discipline and of course, she is sick. I waited in my room and she quietly rolled on my bed. Normally everyday she greets me with a giggle. No giggle today, my heart sank. I asked how she was feeling and she quietly said her tummy hurt. This girl really has not one ounce of drama in her, so I knew she meant business.
Only the night before she was complaining that it hurt too, but I didn't see the signs and I gave her a long lecture of telling the truth. Even though now looking back, she really does tell the truth (I need a time out) pretty much all of the time. How did I miss it?
Other severe issues were going on while this was all happening which I would rather keep private at this time. But with this happening on top of it, it further complicated things.
So I pulled her in my arms and apologized and said how much I loved her and that I see now she was telling the truth. She immediately forgave me and then rubbed my arm to console me. She then said. "Mommy, I told you I was telling you the truth. Oh and I threw up at 3 in the morning!" Ummm, what? "What are you talking about?" "Come, I'll show you." She led me upstairs and proceeded to lead me to the ER barf bucket and sure enough she had. I was blown away that she never came to wake us up and contained all of it, I am telling you, she is so not one to complain or bother.... So, now we are waiting on a doctor's visit. I had an at home test for her to see if she has a bladder infection and it showed up positive. So, now the appointment is scheduled right in the middle of all of our other stuff. She is hardly moving and now we play the waiting game.
Seth's big hosting event has been cancelled. We are figuring she isn't contagious, but I can't tell you how many times I have met with people after they were sure their kids had food poisoning or the heat was too much. Which in turn had all of us praying to G-d for mercy at the porcelain bowl promptly 24-72 hours later. So to be on the safe side, we cancelled. Seth is bummed. I don't blame him. I actually figured this would be a great way to add to my list of accomplishments to do it, so I am bummed for the both of us.
The moral of the story, don't bite off more than you can chew. If your child isn't acting right, there is probably a reason. And if anyone sees my sanity running down the street, please capture it and return it to me. I need a vacation.... Lord, help us all.
PS Aria tested negative for the UTI, but they did find something that indicated a more serious matter could be at hand, so they ordered lab work and we are awaiting results.
Seth has recently joined a men's bible study. I am thrilled for him as my bible study has become a safe haven for me. So far every week they pick a guy's house to meet at and then they provide dinner. Sounds good right? It did to me until Seth comes home last week to notify that he volunteered our house. Say what?? Let me clean the wax out of my ear or maybe my hearing aid battery died. I thought to myself, has he lost his mind???
What's the big deal? I am sure you may be wondering. Believe me, two and half years ago, I would have been all about this. I would have been in the kitchen, cooking up a storm and cleaning like a mad woman to prove we really don't live in a pig sty (okay, so it's not that bad, but kids=mess). I am so pleased with this group of men that he is with so I would LOVE to open our home and say "Me casa, es su casa!" (pretty good for three years of Spanish)
But the reality of the situation is, I have little to no energy. Seriously, tortoises walk faster than I do. My cooking skills are, okay, but not where I would love them to be. Still, I saw my husband's eyes light up with joy at the thought of us hosting. (sigh, must he be so darn cute)
So what is a wife to do? I caved. I didn't know how it would get done, but I figure, we'll get there. As each day that passes by, we are getting school papers to have meet and greets with the teacher, pictures, open house, relatives visiting, play dates, friends, juicing (it takes a lot of time), cleaning, organizing, back to school shopping, panic, terror, and cleaning... Did I forget anything?
As each envelope and call comes in to book up our calendar, I kept on looking at Thursday. You see, to the average American they are overbooked and have a million things to do a day. For me, especially since getting sick, one thing a week is good. One thing a day is overwhelming. Multiple things is insanity! As I glanced at Thursday, I noticed there were 3 big appointments. So I casually yet a bit nervously asked Seth, "uuuuuummm, so.... Have you noticed that you have the dentist, a school teacher meeting, and your bible study all in one night?" Seth replies with a "I've got it under control, it's not biggie. Don't sweat about it."
I have recently been making it my goal to not micro manage. I know that G-d wants me to trust in certain areas of my life, so I am trying hard to release the reigns of control over to my Hubs when he feels he is able. So, released I go. Aria had her birthday on Monday. We tend to be fly by the seat of our pants kind of family. I try not to plan too much in case my body doesn't cooperate. So on her birthday, the weather was nice enough to go swimming at our friends house that we haven't seen much. So off we went. As we are there I see a giant bowl of blueberries. To which I found out that literally up the street is a place that we can pick blueberries for a buck a pound. For the first time in a while I happened to have some cash on me (which never happens) and as soon as Seth got off of work we quick ran over and picked blueberries. All the while I am shouting to the family, "Pick as fast as you can they are about to close!!"" So Seth and I are picking like mad people as our kids casually saunter around to each bush to investigate and discuss each single blueberry. By then I am sweating like a pig. Aria is wearing her bathing suit since I didn't know we were going to pick blueberries and her fancy dress was packed to be worn. I am stepping in what I can only hope is mud, but still and not sure what it is. My heart is racing as the sign list it's hours and says, No Exceptions!!! So another words, pick and be out of here on time.
I find myself trying to savor the moment. I am blueberry picking!! Yet panic is hurrying each movement along as I call out like some crazy couch "Pick!! Pick! Less yapping and more picking!" Finally after a half hour we all run to van with our bucket in tow and the kids are giggling to see their parents running with our arms flailing about. We jump into the van and pay and drive like we just made a robbery of some sort. We all breathe sighs of relief only to hear "I'm hungry!" Yes, yes, they need to eat you foolish woman. Going out to eat is next to impossible with my dietary issues, but also now Isaiah can rarely eat out as well. So I have a brilliant idea. "Hey Ar... what do you think about spaghetti from last night?" I felt so bad, left overs for a birthday dinner, my heart sank with guilt. Thankfully she is the easiest going kid, "sure!!" Sweet, score one with the easy going kid. So left overs and blueberries for the birthday girl. Nothing was planned, but it all worked out well.
But with each day that passed, my energy has been drained quickly. By 5 PM, I am spent. Everyday I pray with great goals to achieve, but realistically I know if I get more than two off of the list, I have hit a jackpot. The odd thing was though, our super easy going girl has been a bit off. She had a couple of accidents, which hasn't happened since she was potty training. My brain quickly pondered a bladder infection, but then I dismissed it. As each day that is going by our days are filling with preparations for school and even readying myself as I am a night owl and I don't care to catch the worm in the early morning. All the while I am noticing Aria is just not acting like herself. I found myself thinking about it, but then figured it might be a growth spurt.
All I know is I made her an avocado, hummus, cheese, and purple sweet pepper sandwich and the little vegetarian wouldn't touch it. This was so odd for her and yesterday was not my finest Mommy moments. I have been feeling overwhelmed with our packed schedule and now she wasn't eating something I know she likes ( big flashing light!) and I was just down right annoyed. I set the clock, and that is normally a sure fire bet they know I am serious. Nothing. Let's just say I pulled out all of my best threats, tricks, and even full out discipline. I am not short order cook, you eat what we have, bottom line.
Nothing.
That should have been a huge red flag, but my head was in the clouds with idea's of perfect parenting planning. Yeah, no. So I prayed a lot this morning. I prayed for the patience to deal with things appropriately and to do it with a loving heart. I waited for her to come into my room like she always does, nothing. Hmmm... where is she. So I go into her room after quite of a bit of time passed and there she was, sound asleep.
Now the alarms in my head are going off, she's sick. Yes, the one time I really stick with my discipline and of course, she is sick. I waited in my room and she quietly rolled on my bed. Normally everyday she greets me with a giggle. No giggle today, my heart sank. I asked how she was feeling and she quietly said her tummy hurt. This girl really has not one ounce of drama in her, so I knew she meant business.
Only the night before she was complaining that it hurt too, but I didn't see the signs and I gave her a long lecture of telling the truth. Even though now looking back, she really does tell the truth (I need a time out) pretty much all of the time. How did I miss it?
Other severe issues were going on while this was all happening which I would rather keep private at this time. But with this happening on top of it, it further complicated things.
So I pulled her in my arms and apologized and said how much I loved her and that I see now she was telling the truth. She immediately forgave me and then rubbed my arm to console me. She then said. "Mommy, I told you I was telling you the truth. Oh and I threw up at 3 in the morning!" Ummm, what? "What are you talking about?" "Come, I'll show you." She led me upstairs and proceeded to lead me to the ER barf bucket and sure enough she had. I was blown away that she never came to wake us up and contained all of it, I am telling you, she is so not one to complain or bother.... So, now we are waiting on a doctor's visit. I had an at home test for her to see if she has a bladder infection and it showed up positive. So, now the appointment is scheduled right in the middle of all of our other stuff. She is hardly moving and now we play the waiting game.
Seth's big hosting event has been cancelled. We are figuring she isn't contagious, but I can't tell you how many times I have met with people after they were sure their kids had food poisoning or the heat was too much. Which in turn had all of us praying to G-d for mercy at the porcelain bowl promptly 24-72 hours later. So to be on the safe side, we cancelled. Seth is bummed. I don't blame him. I actually figured this would be a great way to add to my list of accomplishments to do it, so I am bummed for the both of us.
The moral of the story, don't bite off more than you can chew. If your child isn't acting right, there is probably a reason. And if anyone sees my sanity running down the street, please capture it and return it to me. I need a vacation.... Lord, help us all.
PS Aria tested negative for the UTI, but they did find something that indicated a more serious matter could be at hand, so they ordered lab work and we are awaiting results.
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