Life

As we walked through the door of our house, it was like a ghost house. The dishes still in the sink, toys strewn about, mail piled up, everything in left in disarray. 1 year ago, I would have been in near hysterics to such a clutter. Now, it doesn't matter so much. I have been pretty much lying in bed for several weeks, so my energy level and muscle mass are pretty much non existent. You'd think my thought pattern would panic to the thoughts of what to do next, but they didn't. It's almost as if I have amnesia at some points. I forget things, chunks of time are missing and I'd have to say, sometimes, it's not such a bad thing. We haven't seen our kids in almost a week. I was a bit nervous. Lately when I'd call, Aria would cry and Isaiah would ask questions of when we'd be together again. Last night, my babies finally were able to come home. I expected Aria to come flying into my arms and Isaiah to just start chattering about his latest dino game. I look a mess and I have noticed that they lately have picked up on that. I remember seeing my Bubbe when I was a little girl. I think it was an oxygen tank that she had in her room. We'd go and visit and her whole house was impeccably clean with no clutter. I remember having to go through her bedroom to get to the kitchen and it terrified me. I never saw her on the machine, but the machine itself, scared the hoo ha out of me. So every time we'd go through, I'd close my eyes and run as fast as I could through the room hoping it wouldn't get me. Or the time my sister broke her leg and my parents had her cast stored in the basement, it totally freaked me out. Although I never did ask, why did they bother to even keep it? We weren't allowed have the kids up at the hospital, due to my infection. On top of that, the last time they came up, it really freaked them out. I think this time would have been worse, since I was hooked up to a heart monitor and had tubes all over the place. I had my face mask on, since they have been sick and wondered if they'd find it fun or scarey. I felt the slam of the door followed by 2 little chipmunk voices and my heart began to race. As soon as the door opened, I heard Isaiah and Aria calling out to me. My heart soared in delight to finally be in such close proximity. I wanted to run to them, but my legs have been a bit weak and can buckle if I move to fast, so I waited. Isaiah ran full fledged into my arms and buried his head in my stomach. He even asked to see it, to make sure it was okay. Aria came running too, only as soon as she saw me she stopped and then lingered back. My heart sank. I called her several times to come and give me a hug, she slowly meandered up to me and just stared wide eyed at me. I asked them if they wanted a face mask too, and then we could play doctor. Isaiah eagerly agreed, but Aria really wasn't that interested. By the end of the night they had both cuddled up to me. Aria (AKA Snuggle Buggle) demanded to curl up next to me as well as Isaiah on either side. I just kept on staring at them. They both seem so much more grown up. Aria talks like she has been on the play ground for years and Isaiah, well, he's just full of ideas for games. Checking them before we went to bed was especially precious. They both look so innocent and sweet, a world of possibilities lie ahead of them. I can't help but wonder how all of this will affect them. Will one of them go into the medical field to try and help people? Or will it be the last place on earth that might want to be? Will this scar them, or shape them? Right now Isaiah is sitting next to me trying to read this, the silly boy. Seth and I both just lingered there over there beds cooing over their sweet little bodies. We then retired down to the couch to watch a movie. It's strange, you'd think being bed ridden you'd want to watch TV, Movies, and read books, but I find most of the time me dreaming and wondering. There was a movie that we had watched years ago, after the kids had died. It's not really a spiritual movie, but it was about life after death. I won't go into the whole movie, but in the end it's about the relationship between two soul mates who looked at life in two different ways. It reminded me so much of Seth and I. This last week has really taken a hit on me. I have been in a constant battle and it's been quite discouraging. Sometimes I wonder if my life is causing more of a problem, then a joy. To see the sadness in peoples eyes, it breaks my heart that I caused this. Seth, my sweet Seth, oh the good Lord has blessed me so. No matter how bad I look, how weak I am, there he is pulling me into his arms as he rocks me gently telling me "everything is going to be alright." As I sob in his arms he whispers prayers over me until I calm down. He even has been having to help carry me up and down the steps without once complaining. He now has the full load of kids, cleaning, trying to work, shopping, and preparing meals without ever complaining. When I wake in pain he runs to my aid, even in the middle of the night. He's always been one to let me take the reigns, but I was shocked at the hospital to see how much he advocated for my care. My hearing aid has gone haywire, so I feel like a lopsided dog running in a circle. With each hospital worker that came in and would start to talk, I could hardly understand them. When Seth was gone, I felt so lost. People would be speaking at me, but I couldn't seem to register what they were saying. Then he'd show up and I felt like SuperMan had come to save the day. At the end of the movie the wife is at her breaking point. The husband basically risks his own soul to help save hers. Just like my Seth. Something about the movie just resonated with me, that even though it feels like things are falling apart, I just have to hang on. It's been so hard hearing the doctors saying that my body is shutting down followed by "why are you so anxious?" I've let their words get to me. I have been living in the what if's, instead of this minute. I spoke to one doctor who assured me that my feelings are normal. I just have to keep reminding myself, it isn't about what the doctors can do, it's about what G-d can do. I keep on praying for Him to help change my mindset, to bind up my brokenness and give me strength. I have so much to live for and I am still needed. I been believing the lies that I don't matter and that I won't be missed, so what is the point in prolonging the agony? I am baffled by the medical community, in a world of facial transplants and lab grown body parts, that they actually want to wait till I am at the point of death before they help me. It's all opened my eyes to doing what I can do and nothing more. I have left no stone unturned and done all that I can do, and now I have to learn to just live. Whether it be just for an hour, a week, a month, a year, or maybe even decades (where I'll look back and laugh) all I know is I have to stop thinking about the future, grieving what I thought my life should have been, and live what is. We are moving back in with my sweet in laws for a while. At this point I am to weak to be here alone. It's hard to leave our home, but it's for the best and hopefully it'll help me get better quicker. In realizing how weak I really am, I am so thankful that the Lord is there to be my strength. He sends people into my life to fill the voids I can't. At one point of my hospital stay I was crying, I just felt defeated. There was a nurses aid who had been taking care of me who always had the biggest smile on her face. She came in while the tears were streaming down my face as I tried to hold back my sobs. She asked me why I was there and I briefly explained. She was younger than me and her eyes just were filled with light. She then began to share that she had battled ovarian cancer, twice. She went into great detail and how in the middle of all of it, she got pregnant after her doctor said she might as well go home and die. I had told her about the sadness about being separated from my kids and the guilt I felt. She then said she had her 2 year old son who she'd see one week on and two weeks off for a while. That she had him come up to the cancer ward and paint her bald head and that she still has the pictures. She then spoke a verse many of us who are struggling cling to, "For I know the plans I have for you..." It's as though our spirits connected and both of us began to cry as we smiled in that deep connection of sheer understanding. Two strangers, two different stories, yet so connected. She didn't offer any cliche advice or try to make it better, just a, I understand. She then came and hugged me. I was in isolation contact, so most had kept their distance from me. Instead she cried with me as we held each other in a "I'm so sorry for all you have had to go through" embrace. This young woman checked up on me each day, even when I wasn't her patient. I have been so worried about me disappearing and fading into the pictures of memories, and she made me feel hope. The funny thing was, only hours before I had cried out to G-d that I needed some help and then, in she came. I could tell you many other stories like this. I guess the sad thing is, in my human tendencies, like the Israelites, while walking in the wilderness we constantly demand sign after sign, forgetting what has only been shown some time before. I am me, just who G-d made me to be, sometimes I see the good, and sometimes I embrace the bad, but for today I see His light of hope. As I watch my tired husband packing things away while my son plays with his shuttle on his Dad's head. Aria is chattering away about some makeup back she found and the sunlight is streaming into the house, today I am extra thankful. So many people go through life threatening things and have almost no one to help them, I have a legion. Each prayer, message, call, post, meal, card, thought, words, they all count and they make life that much more beautiful. I hope all of you realize that even the smallest deed, matters. I don't get to respond to everyone and lately almost anyone, but know that it cheers me up so much. It helps us keep going. Your support is huge, your words, priceless. I cling to G-d, even when I feel He is silent, even when I feel at the bottom, He is there. I find my thoughts fixed on Heaven, but in a way I haven't before. I usually worry about me not getting in. Now I wonder what beauty is there. The beauty, the food, the peace. Maybe He is teaching me not to be so afraid of what is to come, but to actually be excited about it. By no means am I ready to go, but for today, I think of Aurora and Elijah and all those who have gone before me and think of that rejoicing day. By no means am I mother Theresa, no, I am just me and by His grace, that is enough. Watch, praying, believing, and waiting to be amazed at the things that G-d can do. Please pray I can eat, please pray that I would win this battle or at least the grace and peace to endure, thank you for letting me not fade into the back ground.