Layers

As you may have noticed, I haven't posted for a while. I apologize for not keeping you posted. You would think after going through all of this, that I'd have tougher skin, that I'd be able to roll with the waves a bit easier. But I don't. I believe in being honest, but I admit I have been ashamed of myself lately. I have fallen into depression. It's been one thing after another. I, of all people, should be celebrating each day for what it is worth, but lately I haven't. We thought once I had gotten off the antibiotic that my eating would take off and with the botox in conjunction, I'd be doing significantly better. I had a couple of decent days, but then I had some sort of flare up that put me in significant pain. On call suggested the ER, but I just refused to go. There are many other reasons why I didn't go, but one of them was, I'm just tired of hospitals. I'm tired of explaining my story over and over again to bewildered doctors, it's just depressing. Maybe it would be a different story if they were like "Yes, we see this all the time and all we have to do is this and then you'll be on your way." Unfortunately, that isn't the reality. So I stuck it out and just dealt with it. Our insurance has changed and just when we thought co-pays and all of that were already difficult enough, everything increased. I keep on trying to remind myself, at least we have insurance. With all these hospital stays, even though it's costly, it could be much worse. The protocol with gastroparesis is, you have a flare up 1-2 days of pure liquids. With all the issues I have had, I had to go to two, which has caused my anxiety to rise in the dwindling calories. I have had to force myself to get up and walk around to keep my muscles going, but they too have become painful. I have been mainly lying on the couch or in bed, not good for the soul. We are still at my In-laws, who have been beyond gracious. Their once quiet house has been over taken by kids toys and rowdy bored children who are testing their limits. I can't say I blame the little tikes, their whole life has been flipped upside down. We are thankful to have family to help us out, but there is no place like home. To add to all of this, our children have been sick with fevers and an ear infection and decided to share their good fortune with the family. So to add to this, we are having to get up in the middle of the night several times to help out the little ones (pray Seth and I can stay healthy). I think I am going through stages repeatedly, or rather, layers. This week it has been depression coupled with anger. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I thought by now I'd be getting used to the pain and the emotional issues, but I haven't. In fact, since being NPO for so long, it has awakened my appetite. I am so HUNGRY!!!! I can't stop thinking about food. Taco's, Egg rolls, Cheese burgers, BLT's, anything!!! I can barely look at FB or the TV without something about food coming up.I can't seem to get the medical world to understand that no matter how nauseous I am, I'm still hungry. I spoke with one dietician who was trying to push Boost and Ensure and all those drinks. I kept on explaining over and over, I can't drink them, they make me sick. The sugar makes me sick, is there anything salty? She looks at me and says, "have you tried pudding?" I just stared at her in disbelief. I don't know about you, but last I checked, pudding is NOT salty. Not to mention they always leave the room with, I hope you get you are hungry again. Guess what??? I just said, I'm hungry! Hello! Grrrrr..... If you are sensing a bit of attitude, you are on par. I have read some blogs with really positive people who have gastroparesis, there aren't many, but some. I so want to be one of these people. Seth keeps on telling me that G-d is shaping me and he already sees a difference in me. This week, all I can see, is a really hungry rabid animal, trapped in my body. I am not used to being hungry, I am not used to being in pain, I am not used to feeling so useless!! I am sorry that this isn't a more uplifting post, I wish I could tell you all the wonderful life changing good that has come out of this, but for today, I am sad/angry. Today I actually took a shower (yes, you can applaud) and after I was done, I put on my pajamas. Now mind you, I love pajamas, especially my nice warm and cuddly ones. We all need a good pajama day, but not 8 months worth. There's just something about putting on your make up, getting your hair done, and putting on a super cute outfit that makes you just feel so lively. My clothes don't fit. I put on my size 0 jeans last week and they just hung off of me, it was gross. I remember in my heavier days thinking, if I could just be skinny, I'd feel fabulous! Now, I just wish I could put on 20 pounds. I never realized how vital good nutrition really is, it affects everything, your health, your mood, your skin, nails, hair! So we called back U of M and they are ordering more lab work (I think they have more of my blood than I do) to check my health status. They are ordering a Dub Hoff(Sp?) or some of you may know it also to be a core pack. It's a tube that goes up the nose and down the throat and I guess this one would have to go into my intestines. I really don't want to do this. Any of the medical staff that I have spoke with cringe when it's brought up. I guess the doctor doesn't want to jump to the Jejunal tube just yet due to wanting to rule everything out. Honestly, I am scared out of my mind. I hate things up my nose. I keep on thinking about our little Elijah who had his NG tube and used to try and push it out with his tiny tongue. I keep on reminding myself, I have to do this for my family and if Eli can do, I can too. I have broken down to many times to count. Seth keeps on reassuring me that this can't last forever, I want to believe him, but I just don't know. I want so much to get together with people but feel so embarrassed on how I look and the fact that I am not really a mood lifter right now. I want a vacation from me. Seth and I keep on planning a date night. Our date nights have always consisted of going out to eat, that's just what I love to do. We talk about it, but then it always comes back to, I can't bring a food processor to a restaurant, besides most things I wouldn't be able to eat. I keep on praying though. I told Seth I feel bad that I am not more in tune with G-d, I wish I could just feel His words, peace, His spirit on me all day every day. Seth reminded me that while a lot of the Psalms were praising G-d, they were also filled with laments. I guess I am lamenting. I must sound like a broken record. It's amazing on the good "normal days" how easy it is to forget what the bad ones feel like. I love them. Then the bad days hit and I can't see the forest for the trees. I so miss my good health. I so miss just being bored and digging in the chip bag only to realize I ate the whole bag. I miss calling up our friends and hanging out and chattering about the latest news or memories of sheer embarrassment. I miss my life. I miss my biggest issue being, how can I cover up this zit or I hope my pants don't split open after I eat this cheeseburger and cheese curds. I miss being in the moment. I miss just going for a walk around the block while dragging the kids with us as they'd screech at me for going the wrong way. I read in one of the woman's blog that we are better off to accept that gastroparesis is a part of our life, maybe she's right. I can't help but hoping this is only temporary, yet it seems things are getting worse, not better. I have been told to think positively and I am trying, I really am, it's just been really hard. All I can utter lately to G-d is, please heal me and have mercy on me. I really need your prayers that this depression would lift and that I could eat normally again. Due to the lack of nutrition I find my attention span to be less than a gnat's. I feel the evil one is tormenting me. I try and remember what people have told me to do, but still he persists. Pray that I'd be strong enough to resist the lies. I know G-d is in control, I keep on praying that His will would be to intervene. I need a miracle, please pray on my behalf.

Life

As we walked through the door of our house, it was like a ghost house. The dishes still in the sink, toys strewn about, mail piled up, everything in left in disarray. 1 year ago, I would have been in near hysterics to such a clutter. Now, it doesn't matter so much. I have been pretty much lying in bed for several weeks, so my energy level and muscle mass are pretty much non existent. You'd think my thought pattern would panic to the thoughts of what to do next, but they didn't. It's almost as if I have amnesia at some points. I forget things, chunks of time are missing and I'd have to say, sometimes, it's not such a bad thing. We haven't seen our kids in almost a week. I was a bit nervous. Lately when I'd call, Aria would cry and Isaiah would ask questions of when we'd be together again. Last night, my babies finally were able to come home. I expected Aria to come flying into my arms and Isaiah to just start chattering about his latest dino game. I look a mess and I have noticed that they lately have picked up on that. I remember seeing my Bubbe when I was a little girl. I think it was an oxygen tank that she had in her room. We'd go and visit and her whole house was impeccably clean with no clutter. I remember having to go through her bedroom to get to the kitchen and it terrified me. I never saw her on the machine, but the machine itself, scared the hoo ha out of me. So every time we'd go through, I'd close my eyes and run as fast as I could through the room hoping it wouldn't get me. Or the time my sister broke her leg and my parents had her cast stored in the basement, it totally freaked me out. Although I never did ask, why did they bother to even keep it? We weren't allowed have the kids up at the hospital, due to my infection. On top of that, the last time they came up, it really freaked them out. I think this time would have been worse, since I was hooked up to a heart monitor and had tubes all over the place. I had my face mask on, since they have been sick and wondered if they'd find it fun or scarey. I felt the slam of the door followed by 2 little chipmunk voices and my heart began to race. As soon as the door opened, I heard Isaiah and Aria calling out to me. My heart soared in delight to finally be in such close proximity. I wanted to run to them, but my legs have been a bit weak and can buckle if I move to fast, so I waited. Isaiah ran full fledged into my arms and buried his head in my stomach. He even asked to see it, to make sure it was okay. Aria came running too, only as soon as she saw me she stopped and then lingered back. My heart sank. I called her several times to come and give me a hug, she slowly meandered up to me and just stared wide eyed at me. I asked them if they wanted a face mask too, and then we could play doctor. Isaiah eagerly agreed, but Aria really wasn't that interested. By the end of the night they had both cuddled up to me. Aria (AKA Snuggle Buggle) demanded to curl up next to me as well as Isaiah on either side. I just kept on staring at them. They both seem so much more grown up. Aria talks like she has been on the play ground for years and Isaiah, well, he's just full of ideas for games. Checking them before we went to bed was especially precious. They both look so innocent and sweet, a world of possibilities lie ahead of them. I can't help but wonder how all of this will affect them. Will one of them go into the medical field to try and help people? Or will it be the last place on earth that might want to be? Will this scar them, or shape them? Right now Isaiah is sitting next to me trying to read this, the silly boy. Seth and I both just lingered there over there beds cooing over their sweet little bodies. We then retired down to the couch to watch a movie. It's strange, you'd think being bed ridden you'd want to watch TV, Movies, and read books, but I find most of the time me dreaming and wondering. There was a movie that we had watched years ago, after the kids had died. It's not really a spiritual movie, but it was about life after death. I won't go into the whole movie, but in the end it's about the relationship between two soul mates who looked at life in two different ways. It reminded me so much of Seth and I. This last week has really taken a hit on me. I have been in a constant battle and it's been quite discouraging. Sometimes I wonder if my life is causing more of a problem, then a joy. To see the sadness in peoples eyes, it breaks my heart that I caused this. Seth, my sweet Seth, oh the good Lord has blessed me so. No matter how bad I look, how weak I am, there he is pulling me into his arms as he rocks me gently telling me "everything is going to be alright." As I sob in his arms he whispers prayers over me until I calm down. He even has been having to help carry me up and down the steps without once complaining. He now has the full load of kids, cleaning, trying to work, shopping, and preparing meals without ever complaining. When I wake in pain he runs to my aid, even in the middle of the night. He's always been one to let me take the reigns, but I was shocked at the hospital to see how much he advocated for my care. My hearing aid has gone haywire, so I feel like a lopsided dog running in a circle. With each hospital worker that came in and would start to talk, I could hardly understand them. When Seth was gone, I felt so lost. People would be speaking at me, but I couldn't seem to register what they were saying. Then he'd show up and I felt like SuperMan had come to save the day. At the end of the movie the wife is at her breaking point. The husband basically risks his own soul to help save hers. Just like my Seth. Something about the movie just resonated with me, that even though it feels like things are falling apart, I just have to hang on. It's been so hard hearing the doctors saying that my body is shutting down followed by "why are you so anxious?" I've let their words get to me. I have been living in the what if's, instead of this minute. I spoke to one doctor who assured me that my feelings are normal. I just have to keep reminding myself, it isn't about what the doctors can do, it's about what G-d can do. I keep on praying for Him to help change my mindset, to bind up my brokenness and give me strength. I have so much to live for and I am still needed. I been believing the lies that I don't matter and that I won't be missed, so what is the point in prolonging the agony? I am baffled by the medical community, in a world of facial transplants and lab grown body parts, that they actually want to wait till I am at the point of death before they help me. It's all opened my eyes to doing what I can do and nothing more. I have left no stone unturned and done all that I can do, and now I have to learn to just live. Whether it be just for an hour, a week, a month, a year, or maybe even decades (where I'll look back and laugh) all I know is I have to stop thinking about the future, grieving what I thought my life should have been, and live what is. We are moving back in with my sweet in laws for a while. At this point I am to weak to be here alone. It's hard to leave our home, but it's for the best and hopefully it'll help me get better quicker. In realizing how weak I really am, I am so thankful that the Lord is there to be my strength. He sends people into my life to fill the voids I can't. At one point of my hospital stay I was crying, I just felt defeated. There was a nurses aid who had been taking care of me who always had the biggest smile on her face. She came in while the tears were streaming down my face as I tried to hold back my sobs. She asked me why I was there and I briefly explained. She was younger than me and her eyes just were filled with light. She then began to share that she had battled ovarian cancer, twice. She went into great detail and how in the middle of all of it, she got pregnant after her doctor said she might as well go home and die. I had told her about the sadness about being separated from my kids and the guilt I felt. She then said she had her 2 year old son who she'd see one week on and two weeks off for a while. That she had him come up to the cancer ward and paint her bald head and that she still has the pictures. She then spoke a verse many of us who are struggling cling to, "For I know the plans I have for you..." It's as though our spirits connected and both of us began to cry as we smiled in that deep connection of sheer understanding. Two strangers, two different stories, yet so connected. She didn't offer any cliche advice or try to make it better, just a, I understand. She then came and hugged me. I was in isolation contact, so most had kept their distance from me. Instead she cried with me as we held each other in a "I'm so sorry for all you have had to go through" embrace. This young woman checked up on me each day, even when I wasn't her patient. I have been so worried about me disappearing and fading into the pictures of memories, and she made me feel hope. The funny thing was, only hours before I had cried out to G-d that I needed some help and then, in she came. I could tell you many other stories like this. I guess the sad thing is, in my human tendencies, like the Israelites, while walking in the wilderness we constantly demand sign after sign, forgetting what has only been shown some time before. I am me, just who G-d made me to be, sometimes I see the good, and sometimes I embrace the bad, but for today I see His light of hope. As I watch my tired husband packing things away while my son plays with his shuttle on his Dad's head. Aria is chattering away about some makeup back she found and the sunlight is streaming into the house, today I am extra thankful. So many people go through life threatening things and have almost no one to help them, I have a legion. Each prayer, message, call, post, meal, card, thought, words, they all count and they make life that much more beautiful. I hope all of you realize that even the smallest deed, matters. I don't get to respond to everyone and lately almost anyone, but know that it cheers me up so much. It helps us keep going. Your support is huge, your words, priceless. I cling to G-d, even when I feel He is silent, even when I feel at the bottom, He is there. I find my thoughts fixed on Heaven, but in a way I haven't before. I usually worry about me not getting in. Now I wonder what beauty is there. The beauty, the food, the peace. Maybe He is teaching me not to be so afraid of what is to come, but to actually be excited about it. By no means am I ready to go, but for today, I think of Aurora and Elijah and all those who have gone before me and think of that rejoicing day. By no means am I mother Theresa, no, I am just me and by His grace, that is enough. Watch, praying, believing, and waiting to be amazed at the things that G-d can do. Please pray I can eat, please pray that I would win this battle or at least the grace and peace to endure, thank you for letting me not fade into the back ground.

I Cry Out

We are home. I feel like a little baby bird with a broken wing that doesn't know how to fly. Yet, it's mom shoved her out of the nest. We were very blessed with an extremely courteous and compassionate staff. Almost every person I came in contact with, was extremely empathetic. The new antibiotic seems to have adjusted to my body and for that I am extremely grateful. As far as my weight, they didn't really address the issue. They didn't want to step on U of M's toes and so that leaves me back where I was. I am trying to learn to cope with the anxiety of all of this. Day after day, I walked over to my window and just stared up into the sky trying to imagine Heaven and G-d's throne. I found myself getting lost in just staring at the sky, minutes, maybe hours went by. I shared my thoughts through tears, praise, and panic. He has responded ever so subtlety. We ended up getting into the ER faster than I did when I was taken by ambulance. We ended up getting into a room that wasn't supposed to be available for hours, so much so, they offered an ambulance ride to another hospital, only to have a private room. The staff was amazing. The doctor that saw how bad the antibiotic that pretty much about took me out, was like an angel. I never did see him again. During an ultrasound there was a woman that remember Elijah. On top of that, on the last night we found out that we were allowed to walk around. We were on 7 and Seth suggested walking to Elijah's old room. We expected everything different, but it wasn't. Same pictures were hung, but all the rooms were eerily quite. Seth peeked into the now abandoned dialysis room that we used to frequent. I could see us 7 years ago walking down the halls in a hurry. Now, I am tired and out of breath, but for a different reason. Oddly enough the Children's towers were full, so they had some overflow patients. There sat one of Eli's night nurses Deb. She looked up at us and said, your Elijah's parents. So that was a treat. As we walked slowly through the halls, my mind was flooded with memories. 2 of my children were born, lived, and had died in this hospital. My Bubbe Esther's room that she died in, wasn't to far from mine. It was a somber walk. As each doctor patted me on the shoulder in the "I'm sorry, there isn't more we can do," I'm left stunned. Could half our our small family actually be gone? I am doing my best to hang on. I got to hear why I don't want a feeding tube. I kept explaining that I can't eat, what am I supposed to do? They just said go back to Ann Arbor. Ann Arbor said to wait. I don't know what for. In all of this while I was terribly ill, they never called back to change the medication. If I hadn't felt G-d's spirit telling me to go, I know I would not be writing to you this minute. The anxiety and sadness is overwhelming. I am trying focus and really give G-d the trust that He deserves. I am in His hands. He knows what is best and all I can do, is take one day at a time. In the core of my being, I feel it is not my time to go, but it's when I get caught up in the words of those who I thought could fix anyone. The nurse that discharged me, kindly noted that when her Dad died, she didn't think she'd make it through, but she did. G-d never gives more than we can handle. I am sorry, but, I am not fond of that phrase. It's really painful to hear when feeling so low. I know He is always with me, but eventually He does give us more than we can handle, and that is when He calls us home. I don't know what my future holds. I am praying that I will be able to eat some food and that the botox will really work and hold out. I know that miracle can still happen. His peace is what I long for. I am trying my best to hang on, while not trying to fight so hard. I feel like I am in the ocean, in a raging storm hanging onto a log and looking for Jesus to be walking on the water to grab my hand. I found out today a friend of ours that has been battling neck cancer, that his PET scan was clear!!! I sobbed. I have prayed for this man so often. I have only met him twice, yet I have felt a kindred spirit. I thought, if he could beat that, I have to beat this. Today has been overwhelming, but I am hopeful that things are going to get better. Baby steps, tiny baby steps. I watched the weather turn from spring to winter. It's amazing to see how each little thing of nature is so intricate. When you stop and slow down from the business of life, and see the things that really matter. I appreciate your prayers and support. I long to be back with my peanuts under my wing. I have a great husband, loving and supportive parents on both sides, wonderful friends, and hugely supportive church. But mostly, I have my G-d. He is just, loving, and more loyal than I can barely comprehend. I am to tired to walk, so now I know he is carrying me. He has blessed me beyond all than I truly recognize. Even though things aren't going the way I want them to, He knows what is best. My daughter learned a bible verse at Awana and it pops in my head every now and then. Evening, Morning, and Noon, I cry out. Yes dear Father, I cry out.

At the hospital

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your continued prayers and support. I am on an IV, so I can't type very well. I am so thankful to G-d for holding me through this, as I was ready to go "Home." I have never felt that sick before, and I pray I never do, nor anyone else. We actually got in straight back to the ER (which I have only done 1 other time through the ambulance) due to how badly I looked. Everyone was very kind and seemed to be on the ball. They admitted me and have switched the antibiotic (this may be a repeat of info. for my FB friends) and pretty much immediately, I felt so much better. They aren't addressing my eating issues. I met with a doctor I had considered switching to and he said this is out of their league. I am guessing they'll discharge me tomorrow, in the hopes this antibiotic will help and not interfere with my eating. The doctor that saw me last night was so empathetic and patted me on the head saying "that drug is very, very, very bad." So now we have to wait and see if this botox is working. I need prayers that it is. The kids want to come home, I want to go home, yet, I need to be able to take care of them. Right now, it's hard for me to walk due to the lack of nutrition. Please pray for good health all around, especially good eating. I would like to write more, but my arm is sore. Please continue to pray that the Lord would heal me of this, this has been so traumatizing all the way around. I know He is with me, I could feel Him holding me as I released control and just let me go. It was a beautiful feeling. Cherish your health, it really is a blessing to just feel normal. I will try to update, I have a long road ahead of me. Clinging to the Lord with all I have, He is my mighty refuge.

Urgent Prayer Requests

I haven't been able to update. We went through with the botox and all went well, as far as we can tell. Upon the last day at the hospital, it was confirmed I had a GI infection. They ended up giving me one dose of antibiotics and then sent me home. I asked them to keep me longer for observation, knowing my history of reactions to medications. They opted not to. Since coming home, I have been sicker than I have ever been in my entire life. Just when I thought I had experienced the worst amount of pain and nausea in my entire life, I was wrong. We have been going back and forth with the doctors and it's been extremely difficult. The kids have been staying and our parents house and although they love being with them, they want to come home. I am having a hard time getting around and can barely take care of myself. I just want to sleep all the time, which I am not supposed to do. I have been praying for specifics. I know G-d will do what is best, but in my humaness, I want to be here with my family. I know G-d will never leave me, nor forsake me, no matter what the outcome is. Please pray for a miracle, for G-d to reveal to the doctor something that could really help me, and as always, for peace. G-d created me, He knows my thoughts and how I am going to react, and I am so thankful that He does. I want so much to react in the perfect way, but He knows how I am, so I am just trying to keep on pushing through. I love my family so much, I don't want to go just yet. Isaiah saw me the other day and said "I'll always love you Mom and I'll never forget you." My heart just broke. Aria cries most times that we call. She has always been my little shadow and she misses us. I need to get this food in, I just have to. I am down to 89 pounds. Please pray for His mercy and huge miracles.

Moving along

Praise the Lord, last night's CT scan was a breeze. I thank you all for your prayers, that one really was a tough fear for me to overcome. Thankfully I had the prep. I had wondered if the burning fire sensation was normal, but after having the prep. I now know it wasn't. The only thing the steroid did was making me want potato chips and onion dip. The adarax, turned out to be a drug I had used to take with my migraine medication, so it worked wonderfully. We were also blessed with a wonderful nurse who had helped me all through it. I had to drink some gastrographin that blew me up like a Macy's Day Balloon. It was very uncomfortable, but I got through it. They kept on offering me pain meds, but I try to rarely use that route and was pretty happy I did okay. The Lord's peace was on me in a thickness I haven't felt since our Days of Elijah. I felt calm, cool, and collected right down to the moment. Normally, I get so worried about dying, but this time I felt that I was at peace with whatever would happen. That was a true gift. Thank you sweet Jesus! By the time we got back to the room, it was almost 3 AM and we were quite tired out. We never did get a private room, so back to our base we went. I had forgotten how often them come to wake you up and talk with you, so these late nights have thrown off our schedule quite a bit. Right now I roomed next to a very loud barfing dude. I feel bad for him, but the noise is quite nerve racking. After we slept for what seemed like an hour, we got woke up to our swallow study. We still haven't gotten the results back from either test, but during the swallow study they saw that the fluid immediately comes right back up into the throat, which may be why I am having these periods of numbness. They said that the Domperidone sounds like an allergy and that it isn't a good fit for me :( I have had a bit of a rough morning, probably due to lack of sleep and the testing materials don't like my already nutrient deprived body. I am SO hungry. I haven't been this hungry in a while and everywhere I look, there it is, taunting me. You know those Tums commercials where the food slaps the person back? I feel like instead of the food talking back, it's my stomach. During my study, they found previous contrast that should have long cleared out, still in my belly. We were supposed to have another gastric emptying study, but at this point they seem to be aware of how the severity of the lack of stomach motility. This has been a curse and a blessing. A curse, in the fact that something really is wrong, that not all of this is in my head. A blessing because, it's not all in my head! While stress does reek havoc on your body, blaming myself has only added to the desperation of the whole situation. The fact that I feel so responsible for damaging my body, really only increased my self torture. So, we try the botox. Yesterday I was flying high as a kite. Some people have gently reminded me that normally if you do it this close together it may not work. I started to get in all of the What if's??? And have just had to not get ahead of myself and trust in G-d that He'll get me through this. I'd appreciate prayers that our testing would come back good and that the botox would work well beyond my wildest dreams and for a long time. We know what the next options are after that and are willing to do whatever is necessary, but still hope this work. The GI did remind me that people heal from this a lot, by unexplainable reasons. I am believing and hoping that will be for me through G-d almighty. I don't know when we are going home, but the EGD and Botox are scheduled for tomorrow. I will be going home weighing less than I did when I arrived, so huge prayers that this would work and that my calorie intake would exceed all expectations. I am trying to not think about this as the long road, but as one step at a time. Prayers also that we could remain healthy through all of this. There are a lot of sick people around and I am immuno suppressed at this time. Thank you for all your prayers and support, we need you and ask that you would continue this journey with us as we wait and see what the Good Lord has in store for us. Not only is our G-d mighty to save, we should always be aware of how powerful our prayers really are. I'm probably forgetting a good chunk of stuff, but I can't stop thinking about food, we'll keep you update. Keep those prayers coming as we still have more to do. Watch, Pray, Believe, and be Amazed.

Pour Out Your Hearts to Him, For G-d Is Our Refuge

Did you notice I changed the color of my words?? You know what that means?? I think is means, PRAISE THE LORD and THANK YOU JESUS!!!!! The doctor came in a little while ago to give me the break down. I have been a bit down today and just doing some breath prayers to G-d. All I can say is, if you don't believe in G-d, you need come and meet with Seth and I.

Seth had finally left the room that only has a curtain as a door. We sat together pretty quietly (Yes people, it may have been a first) occasionally saying some breath prayers in between. I feel the Lord pulling me to trust in Him so often, yet it is SO hard for me to let go. Today I spoke some words to Him and just left it at that. My mind was wandering around to calls I should make and little things when in popped in another doctor. I don't think I have seen the same doctor twice. I have been happy with most of them, but things can get lost in translation. This guy walked in and stuck his hand out and said his name. I chimed in that I don't shake hands due to being a germaphobe (I normally don't say anything, but Seth had put the bars up on either side of my bed and I couldn't get the hand sanitizer). He just smiled at me and said "Me too! That's why I always wash my hands before coming in and after I leave." My kind of doc! He went over the prep. and fully addressed my concerns of reactions to the dye and meds. He determined that I should try Adarax? He said it was worth a try. I figured, okay. So we will be taking my next dose of Prednizone in the next few minutes here. Also they will be adding some weird drink thing to light up my insides. So apparently I am going to be a Glow in the Dark woman. Then of course there is the barium swallow study and he chatted on. Then he said words I did not expect to hear, "followed by the study they are planning on and EGD with Botox." My heart about stopped. Normally for people that the botox wears of early, they don't find it to help a second time, but in the case, I am believing this is G-d appointed. I really figured they were going to do a feeding tube, so this blew me away. My G-d is mighty to save!!!!! He heard our prayers ya'll!!!! I am trying not to get to far ahead of myself here, but it's a step, a step I figured wasn't even there. So, all ye prayer partners here is the run down. Please pray that I am able to handle all tests without any issues, especially this CT dye. Also, please pray that the test results all come back free and clear. Of course please pray that this Botox not only works, but this time it stays around for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG time. Of course as always for the peace that passes all understanding. Oh, they said if a hospital bed opens, they'll take me to an in patient room. So PLEASE pray that they'd be able to do this. Poor Seth slept like a bird in the chair last night and is exhausted. It brings tears to my eyes seeing all your messages of encouragement, thank you so much. It makes this journey seem less lonely. I am praying for courage and strength. I have barely eaten a thing since Sunday and they finally let me have some boullion water and a popsicle and then back to NPO. We still have a long night and day ahead of us and I don't know what else after that. Your prayers are being heard and I can't thank you enough for interceding for us. I am just so thankful. This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. Oh Lord, may you part this sea. Watch, Pray, Believe, and Be Amazed. We'll keep you updated.

Info. Update

So after a steady decline of weight and than a huge drop in eating we started to make calls for help. I haven't eaten more than 300 calories in the last 3 days. After jumping through hoops and making call after call, we got through to U of M. I have lost 4 pounds since my visit with U of M last week. The nurse heard my distress and then spoke with the doctor. After realizing the amount of food that I have eaten in the last 3 weeks, they became alarmed and requested us to go to Ann Arbor as soon a possible. Aria has been extra clingy this last week and Isaiah has been a bit oppositional with some anxiety. I told them how much I loved them and that I had to go to the hospital so the doctor could patch me back up. Aria accepted it, while Isaiah's eyes got wide. Seth explained to his bosses what was going on and that he needed to leave. We packed the kids up to Nana's house and off we went. We didn't know what to anticipate as a plan, perhaps just an assessment or maybe admission? I cried a lot, some parts relief and some parts just being afraid. We prayed off and on through out the drive. I felt G-d's peace and it was if I could hear Him say "let go now, I have this." We got to the ER and they got us in ASAP. The care was amazing and the doctor's were beyond compassionate, they actually listen. They did decide to admit me with an unknown plan. We still don't know what is going on. They have put me in a unit that has a community bathroom and only a curtain for a door, so this has been quite trying for me. The worst part is this poor lady in one room over that has been screaming and making wretched noises well, to say the least, it's overwhelming. We are praying they can get me into a private room, but they are still trying to figure out what tests to run. I know a CT scan is ordered and I have to do the steroid prep. due to an allergy to the CT dye. Please pray that it would have no adverse reactions and that I feel normal throughout all of this, we'll keep you updated on fb for testing. I have explained things over and over. They have explained that Gastroparesis is a very difficult diagnosis to treat. Feeding tube or maybe more botox??? They haven't decided yet. I have no idea how long we'll be here or what they are going to do, all I know is I am praying they find some other diagnosis that is so easy to treat or fix and that all of this will be healed ASAP. I know that our G-d made the universe, He can do whatever He chooses. I still imagine the Israelites as they were facing the Red Sea and behind them, the Eygptians hot on their trail. The panic they must have felt. They knew G-d was with them, yet the whole thing must have seem hopeless. Being that they are a part of my heritage, I have connected to that feeling. I know my G-d is with me, He has done such amazing things, yet, how in the world??? I keep in mind He parted the Red Sea. I am praying He is about to do the same for me. In such an overwhelmingly difficult situation that something amazing is about to happen. I'd appreciate so huge prayers. First, prayers for G-d's peace to overwhelm me so that not an ounce of fear could scrimp on by. For simple easy answers (Hey, it says if we ask in Jesus's name, He'll give it to us, so I'm going to ask) and simple fix. Prayers that all testing would go by without any issues. Also for prayers to get a private room. Poor Seth had to sleep in a chair last night and it's pretty intimidating where we are at. Also for prayers that Seth's bosses would hold his job, they have been very kind, but I know business can be business. Especially for the kids, that this would not traumatize them in anyway. For the Grandparents who have just had kids dropped in their laps and that this would be a great bonding experience for everyone around us. I keep on praying that I can somehow bring glory to G-d in anything I do. You so often hear of people facing desperate situations and how anxious they were or how graceful they were. I want to be graceful. I so much want to have the roots of faith that dig deep from one side of the earth to the other. G-d has been so gracious to me in all of my life. Yes, I have been dealt very difficult situations, but in all of the trials, the outcomes have been nothing short of miraculous. Even though Elijah and Aurora aren't here, their lives have prepared us to reach out to G-d are really believe in His healing. When I see Isaiah and Aria growing so big, no one would have thought they'd have ever have been here. Seth and I, throughout each daunting task have only formed a tighter braid with G-d. We'll try to keep you updated, please extend your prayers,they do matter. In the meantime, watch, pray, believe, and be amazed. My G-d is mighty to save. Oh, I miss snuggling my kids.