Decisions of Courage

I just want to start out by saying how grateful I am to each and everyone one of you who both privately and publicly shared your stories that I am not alone in my anxiety. I was floored by how many responses I got and I couldn't help but praise the Lord that I wasn't alone, and He really did want me to put myself out there. I hesitated as I wasn't sure how my experience would be received on something so personal and so invisible. If you notice I write in spurts. I only write when I feel that G-d's words are welling up in me to share. I have doubted myself and often wonder if I have been foolish, but in almost every single instance, G-d reassures me to release my words in the hopes that I might reach one person. Maybe it's my gift? So to all of you that shared, thank you. I kept your messages and will save them to look at when I am feeling like this is all to much. In having all of these health issues I have had to back out of my social life. I am such a people person, so this is really killing me. I know that those who truly love me will understand if I have a bout, but satan has put this huge fear of being horribly embarrassed and looking like an idiot in front of everyone. I was all set to take the kids out yesterday when I woke up, I had another allergic reaction that left my eyes looking like I had aged 40 years and then got pummeled by Rocky himself. I can't figure out what is causing it. Seth is figuring it has to be something outside, as everything I use like makeup, cleaners, etc. inside haven't changed. I can't help but wonder if it's sticking to my contact and then when I take them out, it gets into my eyelids. I know it sounds nutty, but I feel it is satan trying to mess with me, to try and make me snap. I find anytime I try to give something a go, I have something really weird happen, that ends up making me cancel my plans. My poor kids want to play out in the back yard and I am afraid of going out. I tried Claritan and I now know I can't take Benadryl so when I have a reaction, I just have to wait it out. It also seems to be affecting my breathing, I have hot prickly stinging run from my throat into my nose. I was barely outside for less than a second and I took in a deep breath and BAM! I could barely breathe. I just stayed in front to the air conditioner and waited it out. I have never had my anxiety manifest itself in that way, but I guess anything is possible. I have never been allergic to anything seasonal, except for gaudy holiday shirts. Seth is convinced that any change to my body, whether it be med or temp. seems to freak my body out. He could be right. I feel so trapped and I hate it. I want to see everyone and join in on all the summer festivities. I already feel a bit disconnected. Facebook is a blessing and curse all at once. I love being able to connect so easily, but when you are stuck in the house for weeks and you see all the fun being had, it can leave me feeling a little sorry for myself. I have gotten to go a couple of places, including Isaiah's birthday party, but it's very tiring. I have to be careful in all that I do. I can't eat after 5 PM (although I am now going to try 6 PM), no fruit beverages, no tea, no caffeine, no tomato based anything, no fried foods, well you get the drift. My results have not been found out except by trial and error. Believe you me, when I get something wrong, I pay dearly for it. The last several days I have had severe abdominal pain that sent me straight to couch begging for mercy. But at least I now know to avoid those types of foods. Anxiety and fear have always had an upper hand in my life, being that what I have been through, it's to be expected. I had a huge revelation on Sunday listening to Beth Moore speaking about how fear takes over and that we need to find that courage to overcome. I have already known this to be true, but it helps to be reminded. You see, we have a huge family trip coming up. This one has been in the works for quite a while as we haven't seen Seth's family on East Coast in a long time. His Grandfather is not doing well and we really want to go and see him. There is a lot going into this trip and lots of resources have been donated to make this happen. Only.... My health. It'll take two days to drive there and between the heat, two little kids who hate holding still, my stomach issues, and my hated enemy, anxiety. Seth and I have gone over and over what to do. Everyone else is going and this opportunity will probably never fall into our lap again. The last time we really went on vacation, was 10 years ago when we last went to Maine. We had finally come to the conclusion that we probably couldn't go, that is, until I watched this video of Beth's. I felt as though she was speaking directly to me, encouraging me to be courageous and let go of the what if's. I find most of my anxiety relating to others is that I am too much, yet not good enough. I am bold and say what is on my mind, yet I feel like I am failure in the eyes of others. I feel like a fool and I hate that feeling of being embarrassed or ashamed. I just want others to like me. Desperate sounding? Yeah I know, but I am being honest. I don't feel as put together as all these other beautiful women around me seem to be. I realize that they have issues too, but you know how women think. Tomorrow I am meeting with the Gastro. specialist for the first time. I am praying that he will have the answers that I am searching for along with the reassurance that I need to hear. I taking all the steps that I need to, it's just that everything is moving at a snails pace. Pretty soon Isaiah will be in Kindergarten and then summer will be over! I have longed to set up playdates at the park, the pool, the library, friends houses, the gardens, but because of all of this, it hasn't been able to happen. I feel guilty. Isaiah has a memory that could put a computer to shame, and I can't help but wonder how this summer will be forever etched in his mind. I had a doctor ask me if I felt suicidal during a panic attack. I just looked at him and said "I am exactly the opposite! I want to LIVE!!" I want to go out and have BBQ's with friends and ride my bike with my family, watch the kids show off their latest play ground trick. I want to sit at the beach with my hubby and dream about owning a house on the lake. I am making the decision to ask G-d to give me the courage, no matter how embarrassed I feel to get back out there. If I throw up in public, oh well. I'll find a way to clean it up. If I can't eat something, I will politely decline while licking my chops in envy. Etc, ect.. If I panic or have an allergic reaction, well, these are the ones I am still asking for guidance about. It's so embarrassing. So I am taking the first big giant step and I am going to Maine. Please pray for me that some how it goes better than I ever anticipated. I keep on praying that it might actually snap me out of this. I have been longing to bond with Seth's family and what better way to do that with everyone being together, 24 hours away from home. After that, when I get back, I plan on setting up plans with all of you who have been so kind to wait for me. Please don't think I don't want to get together if our plans have fallen through, don't give up on me. I am going through something really hard, but I know that I will be stronger in the end. I will find that courage and I plan on conquering this anxiety that has been a toxic friend. Some how it tricked my brain into believing that if I am afraid all the time, then when something bad happens, it won't hurt so bad. Lies, satan is the father of lies. I won't accept this. I may complain, I may cry, I may seem weak, but I am full of compassion and I am a survivor. This may be a long road, but with my Lord carrying me, my friends and family supporting and cheering me on, I will survive. Courage, yes, may I be blessed with courage.

Transparent

Today I am celebrating that it was a better day. Lately, I have been hardly able to go anywhere without getting easily winded or sick. I have debated whether to share my thoughts along this tedious long process. I have been told that I am a transparent person or that I wear my heart on my sleeve. While this leaves me sometimes an easy target, I have been told that it is quite the gift. I believe in being as honest as possible, even when I don't want to. I know somewhere out there there may be someone struggling with something in their life and whether they are in the same position as me, they may relate to my raw emotion. It's easy for me to share me grief. Maybe because it is something that is easy to identify and has a very visible reason why I am feeling the way that I do. As for what I have been going through lately, this is harder to express. I guess maybe because there are so many unknowns and it doesn't have a defined label. I am grateful that it isn't life threatening, that I know of, but it has snatched a bit of my life. I do have pain, but I have always had a higher physical pain tolerance. As for the emotional, not so much. I don't like taking medication, even something as small as Tylenol. It sounds silly, I know, but something in my body chemistry changed after I had children. I am now super sensitive to the smallest change and it bothers me. Thankfully, the Lord has sent me continued support of people that I KNOW I can count on. This has been beyond priceless. The hard part is sitting back and taking it. I feel ridiculous being at home cooped up over what sound like trivial things like gastritis and the now ever so much swear word in my mind, anxiety. Yep, I'll say it, ANXIETY I HATE YOU!!!!! You annoy me and you have robbed me of beautiful summer days with my kids, my family, my friends, new memories. I am no longer afraid of it, I just hate it. It almost feels like someone invisibly is coming up behind me, grabbing my throat and choking me, making my heart beat so hard, you'd think I was at the top of a mountain just about to fall, coupled by energy bursts so hard that you can't stay still, yet exhaustion that makes you want to collapse all at the same time. It's like a living nightmare, and it lasts sometimes for hours. Noise, light, anything touching me leaves me gasping for air. I find myself trying to find cold air to stand in front of because it reminds me that I am able to feel. I hate admitting this, in fact, it makes me a little ashamed to think that something so invisible could paralyze my life so much. No one can see it, no one can feel it, it makes me feel crazy. I have found it is triggered when I am having true physical pain, but then the fear of the fear takes over. The last time I thought I had panic like this was after Eli died, but Seth just reminded me it wasn't like this. Instead, it was 10 1/2 years ago after our apartment burned down in the middle of the night. I thought I was done having anything like this come back, but apparently this is how my body responds after it's had too much. I have been trying so hard to focus on all the positive things in my life (which is a lot!) and all the miracles that G-d has done and can do. I admit, I have my dips where I just get plain tuckered out and just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Thankfully that always seems to be about the time, the good Lord has someone call me, or leave a message, or even pops a name in my head to call. I know there are so many other people in this life that would trade places with me in a heart beat, I know, because I used to be one of them. When Eli was fighting for his life I used to hear people complain about their finances, a cold, their children fighting/whining, etc. and I would dream to be in their place. I would want to shake them and tell the how lucky they are that their child kept them up until 3 AM teething, or whatever. I guess the thing about people is when we are in distress, whether it be major in the eyes of many or in none, to that person, they are still in distress. My stomach and esophagus issues are obvious to doctors, but the panic attack, they can't feel what I am feeling, so it isn't that big of a deal. I get it, when you have a heart attack in one room, and a car collision in another, or a little child crying in pain, a panic attack is pretty low on the totem pole. I have had several of the doc's say, just talk yourself down and you'll be okay. I hear them, but when that panic hits, all logic goes out the window. Maybe you have never had a panic attack and this all sounds kooky. Maybe you know someone who has or maybe YOU yourself have experienced this nightmare. I just want to write to you and tell you, I understand and you are not alone. I have had several fabulous women who have helped me through all this craziness and I am beyond grateful. I know I will get this with the help of G-d. Thankfully I have a Lord that allows me to say "I am tired! I am frustrated! I hurt! I'm scared!" In my cries for mercy He also knows my heart, and here's me saying "I am choosing to trust you and I won't stop believing. You have carried me through worse and You will heal me." Mind you, I say this with tears. Some days I feel better and sometimes not, but I remind myself, the Lord saved me when I was 11 and almost died from a terrible infection. The Lord saved me the night our apartment burned down. The Lord carried me when each of my children died. My cries will not fall on deaf ears. Call me dramatic, but unless you have walked one night in my shoes... I am also reminded that the Lord has blessed me even greater than I have ever imagined He could, maybe He just wanted to add something new to my list. I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me, something so bad that I have so many trials when so many others seem to slip under the radar, but a dear friend of mine had to remind me that we live in a fallen world. I only hope I can bring honor and glory to G-d's name and then in each of my struggles no matter how big or small that I won't let satan's evil lies shake my faith. The Lord is good. He will help me overcome, it will take time and I need to be patient, but He will help me overcome. I give Him praise ahead of time, may His name forever be praised, Oh Ancient of Days.

On My Knees

It's been a while since my last post. Shortly after Aurora's birthday I started to feel quite sick at night for no reason, but brushed it off to maybe eating to late or that the food didn't agree with me. I have always had an ultra sensitive stomach and tend to have a small issue from time to time. I just noticed that I was waking in the middle of the night to heavy nausea and found myself pacing up and down the first floor for a while and then would go back to sleep. I was more annoyed that I wasn't getting a full nights rest and just tried to shake it off. On the 24th of June we settled into our relaxing Friday night with the kids. An hour after dinner I felt incredibly sick and threw up. After I was done it just went away and I just hoped that was the end of it. We resumed our evening together and then settled into bed. I woke up suddenly about an hour later. I felt sick to my stomach and a sharp pain that I have never felt before. I'll spare you all the details, but about half way through the night I contemplated going to the ER. If you know me, I am not a fan of hospitals. It takes a lot to get me to go, but at this point I was literally on my knees praying and doubled over in pain. I have a family history of serious stomach issues, my Aunt died early and quickly due to stomach cancer and my Mom almost died before Eli was born when her colon burst. I contemplated waking Seth up, but he had been working so hard all week and I didn't want to drag the kids out of bed and make them go to the hospital. I finally decided I would just drive myself when I remembered that Seth had to work. I was torn. Seth's bosses depend on him to go in and open the shop and manage the guys on Saturdays, so I had to wait to find a baby sitter. I found myself pacing for hours and praying out loud for mercy in my fits of panic and pain. Long story short, we got to the ER after Seth's parents took the kids. That was one of the longest rides in the car that we have had since Elijah died. I thought I was going to pass out from the pain and the nausea was so severe. We prayed that G-d would show Himself to us and help us by giving the wisdom to the doctors along with compassion. We got in almost right away (thank you Father in Heaven!) and the nurse was super compassionate, that I could have cried. We explained it all and expected to have to wait a million years to get things going. The doc came in and listened to what I had to say carefully and was so caring. They offered me some heavy duty pain killers, which I declined as they tend to make me panic. So they got me something for the nausea and anxiety. I am annoyingly super sensitive to any meds, especially injections. I have never asked a nurse to give me meds slowly, but this time I did. I explained everything, I felt so stupid. Hello! I am going to the ER for pain and refuse pain meds and oh yes, by the way, can you give my injections as slow as possible?? I also knew I didn't want to freak out, so I did what I had to do. Since having Elijah, I went from taking heavy duty migraine meds to not being able to handle a Tylenol without getting sleepy. I expected her to say she didn't have time for this, but she didn't. She sat down next to me and soothingly talked to me. I apologized repeatedly and explained that our son lived in the hospital and blah, blah, blah. She then looked at me with tears in her eyes and she said, "I know you." I just blanked out, quite stunned. "You do?" I asked in complete wonder. She went on to explain that her daughter was in the NICU with Eli and that she actually attended his funeral (I remembered them). I was stunned and yet I wanted to hug her in thanks for remembering our special little guy. Eli's life was still affecting people, even those I hardly knew. I found myself wanting to hang on to her every word to see what she remember and I felt so calm in her presence. When in walks in a ultrasound tech and whisked me off. I was super bummed that our conversation had to end with the nurse, yet was pleasantly surprised that things were moving along quickly. I had gotten a mini dose of the meds and felt a bit better but everything was coming in waves. They did the ultrasound and then she took us back to the room where my dear friend the nurse continued to talk with us all the while slowly giving my meds. By talking with this nurse, we had gotten our answer, G-d showed up big time! His presence was all around us and the nurse just sealed the deal. With labs and an ultrasound, they were contemplating a CT scan, but I am allergic to the dye and prayed they wouldn't need to give it to me. They ruled out the gall bladder and other things, and chalked it up to gastritis and an ulcer. Okay, so when they said that I felt relief and huge stupidity. Gastritis? What was that? It sounds like something that would happen to an elderly person who has to much gas! Which it's not. He went on to explain what it was and that I needed to get into a specialist and get a EGD done. So I felt horrible but felt good that it wasn't something super severe. I felt G-d so much in that visit as He flung open doors to help us. I went home feeling confused, but hopeful, after all it would just go away, right? Ummm, no. Thankfully the Lord has provided me with an amazing support system of caring family and friends who sent their prayers up to help. Especially a friend of ours who walked with us when Eli was alive, it turns out she has the same thing I do. After getting no where with my family physician and not being able to get into a gastrointerologist until the end of AUGUST! Thankfully, she was able to identify and explain the pain while giving me support and reassurance that what I was feeling was normal, since I feel nausea like when I was at my worst, for morning sickness, and pain that is almost indescribable. So as you who have followed me know I was trying to lose weight, yeah, I got my wish. I wish I could say that I am ecstatic, but I'm not. I am a foodie and now I can hardly eat a small meal a day. I find myself salivating watching the Food Network and dreaming of each succulent bite of creamy yummy goodness and then look at my glass of water and saltines:( I wanted to lose weight, but not like this. No, it isn't worth it. If you got a bit of pudge and you aren't endangering your health, I say to you dear friend, enjoy each bite that you are so blessed to eat. Thanks to the media it puts thoughts in our minds about every food and restaurant under the sun to tempt you only to be followed by a diet weight loss program. It's sick and wrong! I wish we could go back to when people were just grateful to have food and not reprimand themselves for each pound they gain! I feel like doody, there, I said it. I would use other words, but I want this to be a family friendly blog. No one likes a complainer, let alone someone who always seems to be having something dramatic happening in their life. Let me tell you, some people have boring lives and apparently I am not one of them. I crave a boring humdrum life where my biggest thrill is that I mowed the lawn a half an hour early. That's not my life. We at Casa Kelly have weird things happen (I am writing this while chuckling) things that make soap opera writers want to grab a pen for this weeks episode. The kids who are used to going on play dates, libraries, parks, walks, swimming, have now been benched, and they aren't happy about it. I feel so bad. I can barely move off the couch and all they want to do is play. Movement and noise make things worse and with two little ones, they can't help it. I feel helpless. I am there Mom! I am supposed to be doing lots of fun summer memory making things! Then the panic attacks started to come. If that wasn't enough I had an allergic reaction to something and in the middle of the night my eyes swelled up and my throat felt like it was closing up. I have NEVER had an allergic reaction like this. I have only had two reactions, milk and imitrex, but not from anything seasonal. In all that chaos I was told to take Benadryl which set off a 14 hour mother of a hen house panic attack. Have you ever had one? They are horrible! It feels like your throat is closing, your heart is beating so hard it's going to explode and you just can't stop moving for fear you are drawing in your last breath! Exhausting? Yes. I told Seth I felt like Job, that it's just been one thing after the next. The anxiety has been almost the hardest thing of all. I wake up in the middle of the night in sheer panic for no reason. All the while I have been praying, praying, oh yeah, and praying. I know He can heal me from this and I feel that satan, the booger, has got his hooks in my back. With each time we try to find an answer, we get blocked. I will spare you the details we have had trying to get appts to help get to the bottom of all this and see if we are missing something. The attacks are stronger and more painful and in paralyzes me in pain so bad that I actually contemplated throwing cereal on the floor and letting the kids have a free for all (I would never do it) so I didn't have to move. We finally today got a prescription for an acid reducer, yes I said acid reducer, that I have been trying to get for several years. You would have thought that this stuff was gold the way the insurance company didn't want to pay for it. What's sad is we have spent more money trying to heal the damage from the years of all this acid that could have been prevented in the first place. My sweet children are so bored and ask me each day how I am feeling. No child at the age of 2 and 4 should worry that their Mom isn't feeling well. Isaiah actually came up to me this morning and put his hand on me and said "in the name of Jesus, you are healed." This was after asking me how I felt and realizing I was in so much pain. He said it so tenderly and then kissed me softly while climbing under the covers with me. My sweet boy! My Lord in Heaven, you have given us amazing children! We just got the call from my new family physician who actually seems to be managing my care very well, that they were placing my file on the gastro. specialists desk to personally look at my file to see if he'll squeeze me in sooner. Please pray that he has mercy on me and agrees to see me ASAP. They said my symptoms (which I am leaving some out) are so severe that it put me to the top of their ER chart. I just hope I can get in there. I am tired and weary. I finally got to see how valuable I really am to this family, because now that Mama ain't runnin' the show, let's just say things are in a disarray. Let me give you an example. I was getting Isaiah's clothes out for the day when I realized that he didn't have anymore clean underwear, apparently the laundry fell off the priority list. I told him that he should just keep his undies on that he had put on before bed when he says in his chipmunk voice, "I can't Mom, I'm going Commando!" He says this with the widest grin on his face. I just starred at him stunned and said "what?!" He quickly dropped his shorts and bared all while belly laughing and shouting "COMMANDO!!" This is a word Seth says, so I started to laugh and then Aria joined in. I later told Seth that apparently we need to do laundry because Isaiah was going commando. Without missing a beat, he just said, "I know." Oh, what would he do without me?? Not all is bad though. We have had amazing help when we needed it most. Not to mention the beautiful words of prayer and encouragement that have been sent to us that I hold so dearly in my heart. I am praying that positive answers and hope come out and I can get back to my dear sweet life that I have yet taken for granted. Ooh to play with the kids, eay a delicious meal, and go out with friends, mmmmmmmm.... All of this and way more has been happening continuously since June 23rd, so my time line is distorted. I want to especially thank Seth's Mom and Dad who have had our backs, my parents, Marie for your delicious meal, Kathy and Mike for watching the kids, Ashley and Carol for all your advice, Jade, Sarah, Mama Sue, and so many others friends and family that have helped us out. All I can say, is don't judge someone in crisis, you never handle it the way you think you will. I have made that mistake to often, and then I get humbled. I am being humbled now, and I know that this isn't going to be easy, but I am hanging on to hope. This song always inspires me, maybe it will for you too.




On My Knees Lyrics
Jaci Velasquez

There are days
when I feel
The best of me
is ready to begin (the end)
Then there's (the) days
when I feel
I'm letting go
and soaring on the wind
'Cause I've learned in laughter or in pain
How to survive!

I get on my knees! (x2)
There I am before the Love
That changes me
See I don't know how
But there's power
When I'm on my knees

I can be
in a crowd
Or by myself
and almost anywhere
When I feel
there's a need
To talk with God
He is Emmanuel
When I close my eyes,
no darkness there
There's only light!

I get on my knees (x2)
There I am before the Love that changes me
See I don't know how, but there's power
In the blue skies, in the midnight
When I'm on my knees
I get on my knees (x2)
There I am before the Love
That changes me
See I don't know how, but there's power
When I'm on my, oh, when I'm on my
When I'm on my knees