So here it is, the first family picture in ages. We have attempted this many times before, but our kids tend to get a severe case of the wiggles. So we went out on a limb and prayed for a Thanksgiving miracle and got it! I must say the look on my face is a bit mischievous, but Seth has assured me it looks good, but I think he might be pulling one over on me;) This past month has been such an eye opening one, but in a very good way. I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but when I am feeling down and out, I like to spend money. With all this black Friday stuff, I feel like Satan has been waving temptations in my face. I have been really trying hard to simplify our lives and just learn to be content with what we have. As a parent, I find myself constantly trying to encourage my kids to share and to be content with the things that they have. Yet, I find myself going out and buying things to make myself feel better. Sure, it's not something normally fancy. In fact it just might be something simple as a salty treat or whatever, but still it's quite hypocritical on my part. So here I am, hiding out from the black Friday shopapalooza, thinking about buying a new bedding set for only $100 (but not doing it!), or maybe a new sweater to hide my muffin top. The only thing we indulged in was a toaster over for $20 that Seth has been salivating over long since before we were married. So today we are having a family day after having a wonderful Thanksgiving. The kids got along great with their wonderful cousins and Seth and I got some much needed adult time. As I have begun to check my messages, I am finding so many others in such great need. A friend whose son has Leukemia and now the whole family has the stomach flu, another whose water bag was punctured during a much needed surgery and now their baby needs many prayers to stay in so she can finish out her pregnancy, another child who lost his battle to cancer yesterday. I have found these stories to encourage me not to take one moment for granted. All of the worldly things that I so easily get caught up in, really don't matter. I am glad I read their stories, as now the temptation isn't there, instead it shifts my focus to what really matters. Community, love, and time. Even us, who have learned these lessons first hand, still need reminders to help us focus on what is truly important. I experienced this first hand this morning as Seth let me sleep in. When I woke up, I was bombarded with hugs from my wonderful family. Aria kept on wrapping her arms around me and saying "Mmmmm, great hug!" Isaiah of course wanted to show me his latest find in his latest book. Seth was happily informing me of all that went on before I woke up. I was only separated from them few hours and they missed me so much. The cutest part of my day so far was watching Seth learn how to braid Aria's hair. I have been trying to teach Seth how to do her hair. My Dad used to do my hair, and I feel it is important that he learn something that can really be quite the bonding experience (I teach him domestic things, he teaches me how to do household construction, it's a fair trade). Plus, if I am not able to do it, then he can. Aria sat really still as we passed her back and forth while I showed him how to do it. It took a few tries and he'll need much more practice, but Seth did really well! I really admire him. Seth works so hard for our family, and really tries so hard in all that he does. I don't think he realizes the impact he is making on our children to see their father love on them so much. Instead of doing things he wants to do, he plays with the kids or listens to me talk about my latest passion. Every day we are reminded that Eli and Rory aren't here, but holidays really emphasize their absence. We became better spouses to each other and parents to our kids because of their lives. We have been through so much, and we have learned nothing is guaranteed. Every day is a miracle. Whether it be bad or good, it's another day with our loved ones. It's really the simple things in life that really bring you joy, a sunny day, your kids getting along, or watching your husband braid your daughter's hair for the first time. My kids are healthy and I don't take that for granted. So I encourage you after all that you do, to sit down, let go of your worries, give G-d thanks, pray for others, and just be in the moment. I imagine Aurora and Elijah are singing, playing, eating, dancing in Heaven. I don't think they are worried how they look or that they don't have the right clothes, they are just enjoying G-d's grace. We don't have to be in Heaven to enjoy this ourselves. Instead, we can bring Heaven to Earth and just appreciate what we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
So much has happened in the past 30 days. I ended up going on my Pursuit of Wholeness Woman's retreat. I went with the hope of rejuvenating my faith in the Lord, but at least figured I'd get a much needed rest. I came away with much more than that, Praise the Lord!! I came away with a deep thirst and hunger to seek out the Lord, made wonderful friends, and also got a much needed rest. It was surreal how time disappeared while we were there. It almost felt like you were somewhere between heaven and earth. I learned a lot about how I view G-d, others, and myself. I have come away less fearful, anxious, anger, bitter, jealous, and list goes on. Instead I now feel hope, faith, love, excitement, joy, and that list goes on. I am learning to let go of the painful "whys" and instead am looking to "what good is going to come from this!" It doesn't make all the pain and hurt of the past, present, or future go away. Instead it makes it feel more valid. Pain happens to help mold us. You can either sit in it and ask "why me?" or say "this stinks, but I know He is faithful." I am not saying my kids dying was the way I wanted things to go, or that I wouldn't change it in a heart beat, but it is what is. I want to show others that their lives meant something, that G-d doesn't make mistakes. We don't forget what has happened, we learn from it. I have learned to not take one day for granted. I have learned to love others with my whole heart (it is better to love and lost than never to have loved at all). I learned that I was putting my kids and my husband before G-d. I can't do that. I figured if I hang on to them tight enough, G-d won't take them away. That isn't true, and it doesn't make them happy. I found it was suffocating them, they couldn't fully live because Mommy or Kelly might be upset. I admit I have back slid, but now I allow myself the grace to forgive myself. It's funny, I have been living in a house for 4 1/2 years and all but one room is white. We painted the nursery when Isaiah was born, but other than that I have been afraid of painting in case I make a mistake. What if the colors look bad or go out of style? How silly is that? I didn't want to invite my friends over because my house wasn't as nice as theirs. How ridiculous is that. The list goes on and I look back and think, how much time have I wasted for fear of taking a risk. So what if the colors look bad, I can repaint them. So what if my house isn't like theirs, if they didn't like me because of that then they aren't my friend in the first place (besides none of them would care anyway). The so what's are all coming out. I love it because I am getting a taste of freedom and I like it. Life is full of change, no matter how much you try to control it, bad things are going to happen, things are going to hurt. But if you are always worried about what is around the corner and what if, what about all the great things that you are missing while worrying or obsessing about? I am praying that G-d will show me how to embrace how real I am. I have been through a lot and that is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I am a survivor. I now know how to enter into other peoples pain. I don't hide from it, because it isn't fair to let others suffer alone. It isn't just about me, it's about everyone and they need that. I remember when Eli was up at the hospital and after he died, the greatest support I had were those that wrapped their arms around us, cried with us, prayed with us, and just let us say what it was that we needed to say. They didn't try to "fix" things, because they couldn't. They just loved on us. I had a special friend do that for me last night and it really helped. I want to do that for others as well. I have hidden myself for so long because of my pain, but as it says in the bible, there is a time for everything. I will always miss my kids, that will never change. I will have good days and bad days, but I am clinging to the hope that I am releasing the spirit of fear that has so paralyzed me for so long. I am learning to be real, but with love. I have been in a season of mourning and grief (I think that part will always be there) and now it is time for me to learn to dance, to live life in color, to take risks whatever they may bring. I no longer want to live in the shadows of fear, anxiety, self condemnation, and depression. One of the many great things this retreat experience has showed me was how much I long for community. I feel alive when I am with people, especially those who love me for who I am. Seth and I tend to be homebodies, so this is quite an adjustment. I am excited to see what the future brings. I feel like G-d is moving in a big way, all I know is this is all for His Glory. I am no longer the same, I am a new creation in Christ.
I also would like to ask something of you, would you please pray for a family that their 18 month old (Isaac)was just diagnosed with Leukemia last night. They have a 3 year old and a new born that was just born last month. They have a long road ahead of them. Please pray he'd be healed. That his Mom and Dad would have great endurance and energy, that the enemy would have no foot hold on this family. I remember with Eli, you get so drained so quickly and we didn't even have any other living children at that point. If you'd like more info or how to help, let me know. As we said for Eli, watch, pray, believe, and be amazed. Blessings be with you all.
