As the sun shines down and the wind wisps through my hair, my spirit awakens and remembers... With each turn of the season, my soul searches through the photographs that are engraved on my heart. Time has stood still in these photographs, and the movie reel in my mind starts to play. I remember when..
It's been 12 years since I held her in my arms, yet it feels as though only a moment has passed by. My first born daughter, set on the pathway of eternity only less than a couple of hours old.
As the pages of the calendar passes through, June appears. It never fails to take my breath away, this is her month. I am so thankful to G-d that He allowed her to have one of the very best days of the year to be born and to fly on, the 21st. The first day of summer and the longest day of the year, how fitting.
It's strange. For me I had always envisioned Aurora to be a baby in my mind forever. When she first slipped away in my arms, I drank in each moment to be forever burned into my mind. 1 1/2 hours old, a beautiful baby with pink petal soft skin. Blond finger waved hair and perfectly oval finger nails. 3 pounds and 11 ounces of pure love. She took my breath away.
I never imagined that with each passing year, she would grow up in the recesses of my mind. 12 years have come and gone in an instant. I imagine her to have her Daddy's dimples with my wild wavy hair that can only be tamed by a hot iron. I can't help but smile to think that she would have my sass and be leading her siblings as a mother hen would do.
We would be going through the woe's of pimples and the hormones that brought them. Training bra's and boy crazy behavior would be plaguing the house as we probably would be pounding our heads on the wall from the demands of more phone time and how unfair life is.
I would hope we would be close, that she might have shared all of her deepest secrets with me late into the evening. I can't help but imagine, who she would be today. A beautiful soul, blossoming from a little girl into a young lady.
As time ticks on and the 21st fast approaches, my mind does a rewind. To anyone who wonders what it might be like to lose a child, you don't forget. I haven't gotten used to it. When I turn my head back to check on the kids, I always look back to the last bench seat where they both would have sat.
As my nephews grow up, I can't help but watch them so carefully to capture what they would both be doing. I never say anything, but the thoughts are always there. The latest things that my older nephews love to do is stand next to me. They are all pretty much taller than me and they think it is just a riot. Would she be taller?? Would she wear her hair long?
While the longing is still there, I can't help but smile. She was here. We loved her well. As we come along others who are just beginning their journey of losing their child, my heart reminds me that it too has been pieced back together with missing holes that are not meant to be replaced.
The character of who I am now verses who I was then has changed. She helped me grow up and become a compassionate woman. She helped me realize the need that everyone needs to be loved, especially when they are shattered. She helped me believe in G-d and realize His true importance and who His character really is.
She too was a night owl just like me. She loved sugary sweets just like her Daddy.
We found out at 12 weeks that she would not live. I am so thankful that I didn't know any better, you know, we hadn't had kids before, and that our lives would be forever changed. I loved being pregnant. Once we found out she wasn't going to make it, I made sure to hold onto each moment. In doing so, I fell head over heals in love with her. I knew her every movement. Because she didn't have any amniotic fluid, I could feel the shape of her whole body in my hand. Late at night when Seth would go to sleep, I would cry. I was so attached to her. I loved her so deeply.
Some hard parts were when people would ask when we were due and what her nursery looked like. How do you tell people that your baby is born to die? I went out less and less. My sister lent us her cradle, knowing we would never use it. But we held on to hope, just in case. I would see all the expectant mom's and mothers/babies, and my heart burned with jealousy. Why couldn't she stay?
We held her for a long time after she was born. For hours we just held her in silence and in tears. How do you let go of your child? The nurse came and took her, your mind can't prepare for that moment. We had months of warnings but no, you can't prepare for that moment when you know you will never see your child again.
I requested they release me if I couldn't hold her. I couldn't bear to be separated from her and yet being in the same building. I asked if I could sit in the morgue, but they gently assured me it wasn't a good place to be. So we packed up the clothes that she wore and put them in a Ziploc baggie. To come in with so much hope and to leave empty handed, it was devastating.
I remember coming home to our dog. Mya Ms. Marie (AKA Mya Papaya). She had become my confidant on bed rest and often soaked my tears with her fur. We walked into the door and she did a celebratory dance. As I winced my way to the couch and sat down, the mood of the room shifted.
We said no words. Seth got out the Ziploc baggie and we just huffed her clothes. All we had left was her scent. One of the booties fell out and rolled by Mya. She sniffed the bootie and looked up at us and her eyes welled up with tears and she cried right with us. I wouldn't have believed it had I not seen with my own eyes. We are pretty sure Mya is an angel in disguise, she still to this day is always tending to the broken hearted.
At the time I didn't know it, but I really think that G-d planted her name into my heart. Aurora, for Aurora Borealis, one of the most beautiful sights but you never know how long it will last. Yes, a bit of Sleeping Beauty too. It still drives me nuts when they don't refer to the Disney Princesses as Aurora, but Sleeping Beauty, but that's another story. Of course we picked Skye for her middle name. I picked it not because of the flow of the name, but I was afraid I might forget her. I wanted something to always remember her by. There is not a night that goes by that if the sky is clear we here one of the family members say "Look! It's and Aurora Skye!" We know immediately that the sky is dusted with pinks and lavenders.
I still have her ashes around my neck close to my heart. A mother's love never diminishes, it only grows. For all of my children both here and in Heaven, my love and my heart expands into eternity.
My dearest Aurora Skye, we won't forget...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRSlFtkXl8o
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
To Join In
After many requests, I have decided to begin blogging again. I felt like I needed to take a break and be able to really focus on where G-d wanted me to go with my life and well, He answered!
I can't really remember where I even left off, so I'll just jump right in with questions. The number one question I have been getting asked is, how is my health?
Honestly? Amazing! Just a quick catch up for those who may not remember or know, I have been diagnosed with idiopathic gastroparesis (another word is paralyzed stomach). Seriously, about a year ago I was living off of only a few items to eat and the doctors (including the University of MI) had told me nicely to go home and make the best of my days with my family, that there was nothing medically that they could help me with. Truly, I was feeling my spirit slowly giving in to the idea of "letting go" and die.
I found myself digging in the bible and crying out to G-d for mercy, yet wasn't seeing any miraculous results. Thankfully the Lord has made me stubborn and loyal, a combination that has really helped me through all of this. Stubborn, so that I could hang on even when all hope seemed lost. Plus, I really hate it when people tell me I can't do something, it just pushes me even harder to press on. Loyal, fiercely and sometimes even foolishly. Once I love you, it's pretty hard to get rid of me. Even when it seemed like G-d might not be answering my prayers, I refused to deny Him. My loyalty for Him runs deeper than I can ever put into words. Even when all hope seemed lost, I knew He had to be there (even though sometimes I felt like a toddler throwing a fit when things weren't going right). Just like any awesome parent, He stayed right by my side, providing in ways I wasn't even aware of until now.
I do believe that I have been anointed with healing. While my healing has NOT been instantaneous, it has been gradual. I am sure most would argue it's just nature, but I know with all my heart that it was through G-d's grace that I have come this far. I am eating more and more now. While I can't eat much with fiber in it, I have been able to add in healthy fats and protein galore! My latest new favorite? Ground turkey! Yeah, yeah, most may say really? That's what you are grateful for? Yep! When all you have had was protein shakes and eggs for a couple of years, you really tend to appreciate almost anything new and different. I also cannot eat spices, so we have found the wonderful world of fresh herbs!! We simmer the meat for a long time to help break it down for me and then add cilantro, basil, or even dill to make it "pop!" I used to be the queen of spicing anything up, so it has been a hard change to go to bland, but really the herbs are a beautiful replacement. G-d is SO good!
We had some wonderful friends who have walked by our side through this all introduce us to carbohydrates that I can eat such as a homemade pizza crust and crepes! I have found that I have an easier time digesting things if they are home made with simple ingredients. If it's processed, more times than not it is a no go. So am I gaining weight? Yes!! In a world full of people trying to lose weight, I am not interested. Honestly, once you have no physical way of eating, weight loss seems very insignificant. I can say this, as before all of this I was overweight. So while I do understand the challenge, my viewing is much different. Every bite of food that I take is a celebration! I am just beyond thankful that I can sit down with my family and join in.
Life is funny. I remember only a year ago hiding up in my room each time that my family ate, feeling so left out. I would smell the food wafting up the stairs mingled with laughter and my heart was so broken. Life kept on going on without me and I really felt that I was no longer included. My heart went into depths of depression that most could not understand. The Lord has been giving me answers to my prayer requests and I am more than grateful.
Most meals I still cannot eat the same thing. But now I have a few go to meals that are kind of my version of pizza and "taco's." Each time I eat, I am more thankful then ever at being able to "join in" on something I thought might never return. Do I still have to be careful? Absolutely! I really do have to weigh out and calculate each thing and determine, is it worth it? But what the Lord has showed that mattered more than my stomach being satisfied, was my love for people.
After spending more time alone than any sane person should, I began to realize it wasn't just the food I missed, it was the fellowship. I missed being included. I also was reminded of how much I thrive being amongst others. The Lord has shown me time and time again, it's all about community. We were made for this. Without it we become entangled in a warped view of life where bitterness, anger, depression, and isolation entrap us for the worst.
When we are with others, while there can be obstacles, but it helps us grow and strive to be better each day. While sometimes it may be painful, I am learning each step and misstep are necessary. We can't be perfect, nor can we expect others to be perfect either, but we can learn from our mistakes and rejoice when things go right. I used to think that when bad things happened, it was punishment. Now, for me it is a learning tool and is shaping me for things that I thankfully don't know are yet ahead. Since my kids had passed away, I really felt a lot of my "light" had left. I just felt like I was stuck on the serious button. Now, I feel like not only is my light back, but G-d has seemed to put it on brighter! Yes, I still have my days, I would be lying if I didn't admit it. Even those days don't last as long as the heaviness is just too much and my Spirit seems to say "Nope, we did this and this doesn't pan out well."
So what else is new? I had been feeling restless like we should move or do something, so I have been praying. I so badly want to cherish each day that I am given and tell others about what G-d has done for me and my family. I was pretty much on death's door, and He is restoring me in ways I can't imagine! I can't contain the joy that is inside of how great G-d really is. He isn't just something, He is EVERYTHING! So what is a girl to do?
I had an urge to go into seminary, but with having young ones, I feel it important to be here with them. So I am presently taking a bible class and honestly, I am smitten! I can't get enough of it and really I wish I could go every day! I was afraid it would bore me or that my attention span would flake out. Instead, it has been seeping into my everyday thoughts. I just can't explain the freedom and the wonder that it has awoken in spirit. Seriously, I could gush on and on about how awesome it is, but you get the point!
You would think that would be enough for now, but we recently have taken on the challenge of homeschooling. It's really a long story of how we got into it, but for now we are diving full force in. I kid you not, last week, from the time after we ate breakfast and until we went to bed, we worked on school. It has proved to be a daunting task. I have a whole new respect for teachers and homeschooling parents. Forget movie stars and athletes, they deserve the humungous paychecks!
We are doing an online curriculum which is insane. For some reason I thought it would be easier, but I find daily I am eating my words. Still, I am not ready to throw in the towel. I have learned more in the short time I have been doing this, then I have in the past two years (academically, that is)! By the time bedtime rolls around, my normally overactive brain is fried! It is this beautiful dance of family togetherness, learning, with a dash of insanity;)
While it has been definitely challenging, I am happy to feel useful. Really, after sitting on the sidelines for such a long time, it's been great to get back into the game! The last few years have been a blur. I don't remember much about the kids in that time, so this is helping me be able to connect with them in a way that I had so longed for. Each day I love spending the extra time with them and be able to be apart of their learning process. Selfishly, it's wonderful to be included and not miss out on every moment (although some can be me wanting to pull my hair out!) with them. It's a joy and blessing. Whether we do this temporarily or permanently, I am thankful to have had this experience and really get to see a side of life, I felt like I missed.
As for my Hubby Seth. What can I rave about? He is amazing. He has stood by my side through thick and thin, sickness and in health, and so much more. He is such a hard worker, doting husband, and loving father. He really works so hard. He not only works his job and then some, but then comes home and shoulders a huge responsibility to us. I am still lacking in nutrition and get winded very easily. So he really is our brut force labor. He has recently been making rings out of metals and doing such an amazing job that he is selling them on the side. His creativity just blows my mind! I am so blessed to be his wife and really am so head over heals for him. I could go on and on about him, so we will just say he is working hard and is doing amazing.
I could go on and on, but for now I will stop here. I am no longer on FB and I left pretty abruptly. I forgot that FB doesn't notify people that you are no longer on and it almost could seem like you are defriended. I got some emails wondering if that was the case, and I assure you I jut left FB altogether. I really don't miss it at all. I miss the people, but not FB, so I will not be returning. However, feel free to share my post to those who might not have signed up for my blog notifications. I used to post all of my blog posts to FB, so this will be different. So feel free to share with the world that I am up and running! I am so excited to be back and I give all the praise and thanks to G-d/Jesus/Holy Spirit who I could not live a moment without:) Of course to our loving family and faithful friends, we are eternally grateful. I wouldn't be where I am without you. I am so elated to join in!
"Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it." Hebrews 11:1
The sun shall no longer be your light by day, and for bright light the moon shall not give you light but G-d will be your everlasting light, and your G-d your glory. Your sun shall no longer go down, and your moon shall not wane, for G-d himself will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning shall come to an end.
Isaiah 60:19-20
I can't really remember where I even left off, so I'll just jump right in with questions. The number one question I have been getting asked is, how is my health?
Honestly? Amazing! Just a quick catch up for those who may not remember or know, I have been diagnosed with idiopathic gastroparesis (another word is paralyzed stomach). Seriously, about a year ago I was living off of only a few items to eat and the doctors (including the University of MI) had told me nicely to go home and make the best of my days with my family, that there was nothing medically that they could help me with. Truly, I was feeling my spirit slowly giving in to the idea of "letting go" and die.
I found myself digging in the bible and crying out to G-d for mercy, yet wasn't seeing any miraculous results. Thankfully the Lord has made me stubborn and loyal, a combination that has really helped me through all of this. Stubborn, so that I could hang on even when all hope seemed lost. Plus, I really hate it when people tell me I can't do something, it just pushes me even harder to press on. Loyal, fiercely and sometimes even foolishly. Once I love you, it's pretty hard to get rid of me. Even when it seemed like G-d might not be answering my prayers, I refused to deny Him. My loyalty for Him runs deeper than I can ever put into words. Even when all hope seemed lost, I knew He had to be there (even though sometimes I felt like a toddler throwing a fit when things weren't going right). Just like any awesome parent, He stayed right by my side, providing in ways I wasn't even aware of until now.
I do believe that I have been anointed with healing. While my healing has NOT been instantaneous, it has been gradual. I am sure most would argue it's just nature, but I know with all my heart that it was through G-d's grace that I have come this far. I am eating more and more now. While I can't eat much with fiber in it, I have been able to add in healthy fats and protein galore! My latest new favorite? Ground turkey! Yeah, yeah, most may say really? That's what you are grateful for? Yep! When all you have had was protein shakes and eggs for a couple of years, you really tend to appreciate almost anything new and different. I also cannot eat spices, so we have found the wonderful world of fresh herbs!! We simmer the meat for a long time to help break it down for me and then add cilantro, basil, or even dill to make it "pop!" I used to be the queen of spicing anything up, so it has been a hard change to go to bland, but really the herbs are a beautiful replacement. G-d is SO good!
We had some wonderful friends who have walked by our side through this all introduce us to carbohydrates that I can eat such as a homemade pizza crust and crepes! I have found that I have an easier time digesting things if they are home made with simple ingredients. If it's processed, more times than not it is a no go. So am I gaining weight? Yes!! In a world full of people trying to lose weight, I am not interested. Honestly, once you have no physical way of eating, weight loss seems very insignificant. I can say this, as before all of this I was overweight. So while I do understand the challenge, my viewing is much different. Every bite of food that I take is a celebration! I am just beyond thankful that I can sit down with my family and join in.
Life is funny. I remember only a year ago hiding up in my room each time that my family ate, feeling so left out. I would smell the food wafting up the stairs mingled with laughter and my heart was so broken. Life kept on going on without me and I really felt that I was no longer included. My heart went into depths of depression that most could not understand. The Lord has been giving me answers to my prayer requests and I am more than grateful.
Most meals I still cannot eat the same thing. But now I have a few go to meals that are kind of my version of pizza and "taco's." Each time I eat, I am more thankful then ever at being able to "join in" on something I thought might never return. Do I still have to be careful? Absolutely! I really do have to weigh out and calculate each thing and determine, is it worth it? But what the Lord has showed that mattered more than my stomach being satisfied, was my love for people.
After spending more time alone than any sane person should, I began to realize it wasn't just the food I missed, it was the fellowship. I missed being included. I also was reminded of how much I thrive being amongst others. The Lord has shown me time and time again, it's all about community. We were made for this. Without it we become entangled in a warped view of life where bitterness, anger, depression, and isolation entrap us for the worst.
When we are with others, while there can be obstacles, but it helps us grow and strive to be better each day. While sometimes it may be painful, I am learning each step and misstep are necessary. We can't be perfect, nor can we expect others to be perfect either, but we can learn from our mistakes and rejoice when things go right. I used to think that when bad things happened, it was punishment. Now, for me it is a learning tool and is shaping me for things that I thankfully don't know are yet ahead. Since my kids had passed away, I really felt a lot of my "light" had left. I just felt like I was stuck on the serious button. Now, I feel like not only is my light back, but G-d has seemed to put it on brighter! Yes, I still have my days, I would be lying if I didn't admit it. Even those days don't last as long as the heaviness is just too much and my Spirit seems to say "Nope, we did this and this doesn't pan out well."
So what else is new? I had been feeling restless like we should move or do something, so I have been praying. I so badly want to cherish each day that I am given and tell others about what G-d has done for me and my family. I was pretty much on death's door, and He is restoring me in ways I can't imagine! I can't contain the joy that is inside of how great G-d really is. He isn't just something, He is EVERYTHING! So what is a girl to do?
I had an urge to go into seminary, but with having young ones, I feel it important to be here with them. So I am presently taking a bible class and honestly, I am smitten! I can't get enough of it and really I wish I could go every day! I was afraid it would bore me or that my attention span would flake out. Instead, it has been seeping into my everyday thoughts. I just can't explain the freedom and the wonder that it has awoken in spirit. Seriously, I could gush on and on about how awesome it is, but you get the point!
You would think that would be enough for now, but we recently have taken on the challenge of homeschooling. It's really a long story of how we got into it, but for now we are diving full force in. I kid you not, last week, from the time after we ate breakfast and until we went to bed, we worked on school. It has proved to be a daunting task. I have a whole new respect for teachers and homeschooling parents. Forget movie stars and athletes, they deserve the humungous paychecks!
We are doing an online curriculum which is insane. For some reason I thought it would be easier, but I find daily I am eating my words. Still, I am not ready to throw in the towel. I have learned more in the short time I have been doing this, then I have in the past two years (academically, that is)! By the time bedtime rolls around, my normally overactive brain is fried! It is this beautiful dance of family togetherness, learning, with a dash of insanity;)
While it has been definitely challenging, I am happy to feel useful. Really, after sitting on the sidelines for such a long time, it's been great to get back into the game! The last few years have been a blur. I don't remember much about the kids in that time, so this is helping me be able to connect with them in a way that I had so longed for. Each day I love spending the extra time with them and be able to be apart of their learning process. Selfishly, it's wonderful to be included and not miss out on every moment (although some can be me wanting to pull my hair out!) with them. It's a joy and blessing. Whether we do this temporarily or permanently, I am thankful to have had this experience and really get to see a side of life, I felt like I missed.
As for my Hubby Seth. What can I rave about? He is amazing. He has stood by my side through thick and thin, sickness and in health, and so much more. He is such a hard worker, doting husband, and loving father. He really works so hard. He not only works his job and then some, but then comes home and shoulders a huge responsibility to us. I am still lacking in nutrition and get winded very easily. So he really is our brut force labor. He has recently been making rings out of metals and doing such an amazing job that he is selling them on the side. His creativity just blows my mind! I am so blessed to be his wife and really am so head over heals for him. I could go on and on about him, so we will just say he is working hard and is doing amazing.
I could go on and on, but for now I will stop here. I am no longer on FB and I left pretty abruptly. I forgot that FB doesn't notify people that you are no longer on and it almost could seem like you are defriended. I got some emails wondering if that was the case, and I assure you I jut left FB altogether. I really don't miss it at all. I miss the people, but not FB, so I will not be returning. However, feel free to share my post to those who might not have signed up for my blog notifications. I used to post all of my blog posts to FB, so this will be different. So feel free to share with the world that I am up and running! I am so excited to be back and I give all the praise and thanks to G-d/Jesus/Holy Spirit who I could not live a moment without:) Of course to our loving family and faithful friends, we are eternally grateful. I wouldn't be where I am without you. I am so elated to join in!
"Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it." Hebrews 11:1
The sun shall no longer be your light by day, and for bright light the moon shall not give you light but G-d will be your everlasting light, and your G-d your glory. Your sun shall no longer go down, and your moon shall not wane, for G-d himself will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning shall come to an end.
Isaiah 60:19-20
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