For those of you who read my previous blog, you already know that I have been challenging myself to where fear treads. My latest endeavor, food. Before gastroparesis (GP) struck I ate all of the time. I ate when I was celebrating, angry, sad, bored, well you get the picture.
Yes, I reminisce of days of old where I would go out to eat and indulge in a drink, appetizer, soup/salad, and yes, even stuff myself with an entrée. Oooh la la! Honestly, I remember at certain times eating all of this and then even eyeing Seth's food;) I kid you not! I was a Hoover vacuum cleaner (Or should I say Dyson for it's supposed super force of cleaning capabilities?)
Any time we had any big pressing issues, we sorted it out over a lovely meal. No matter how difficult the circumstances, something cheesy/artichoke/spinach dip seemed to just melt the troubles away, and when my belly was full, things seemed a bit more doable? Does that make sense?
I have never liked baking, much to precise, which is odd as my personality loves formulas. Anyhoo, I did love cooking. One of my favorite shows was Chopped on the Cooking Network. I always found it amazing to watch these people, on the fly, take only a few ingredients that normally wouldn't go well together and make just the most amazing succulent dishes! So that fueled the idea to try and whip up some of my own concoctions in my own kitchen. Some would bomb and some would end up with rave reviews from my number one fan, my hubby!
Since the GP hit, my adventures in the kitchen have come to a screeching halt. My sniffer seems to make up for the lack of hearing and seeing. In fact, it works overtime. When going out, I find myself extremely frustrated when driving by any high profile restaurant. I have no idea how they manage to make their delicious scents waft through the neighborhood, but my sniffer picks it up and I go banana's! So having to prepare the dishes at home has been about as rare of a sighting as the Hope diamond.
Sounds pretty selfish when I say it out loud. Often I think of those in slavery who have to prepare delicacies yet aren't allowed one iota to eat. So as my I find myself grumbling for the foods I smell, I just want to yell at it and say "Look here bub! If you want the food so bad, get your act together and do your job! You could be happy if you would just try!" Then I think to myself, but I haven't been trying much, so how do I know?
After getting the diagnosis the doctor gave me a list of things to avoid. I wanted to anything to avoid that pain, so I abided by it. I weeded everything out in the hopes to never have pain again. What I didn't know about GP, is it isn't a one size fits all. In fact, for most it's different. Some can tolerate fats but not fiber. Some, the other way around. Some can only eat fruits and veges without a drop of animal products. Some, the other way around. For me, I can do more lean meats and very low fiber. But I crave those veges like nobody's business. You know those Hidden Valley commercials where they have the kids diving into salads and going to stands with veges and ranch dressing, oh it's enough to make me go insane!!! I want to go to that place and roll in them!! But alas, for now, no.
So what can I do? Juicing. Yep, it's next on the agenda. It cuts strains out all of the fiber and leaves the taste and nutrients. I tried it last year and my stomach got really irritated, so I gave up quickly. This time, it's time to take it slow and log every sip and record yay or nay. I am going to do it afraid. Life is to short to live afraid of everything. So my goals: beets, cantaloupe, mushrooms, celery, cherries, strawberries, etc. Most I will try to juice first and see how it goes. But the mushrooms and beets, I am hoping to roast. I recently in a moment of desperation popped a brownie bite into my mouth and since then have been hooked! These are far from being healthy and technically I shouldn't eat them, but I am grateful! I am hoping to learn to make things home made (like tortilla's) so that I don't have to worry about all of the additives. We have also noticed that Isaiah is having a lot of digestive issues, so that has really made the drive that much more strong to help him digest better.
I am learning so much about preservatives and pesticides. While I wish we could buy everything organic and farm raised (humanely without hormones and antibiotics) for now, it's still a bit to steep. So we are making small changes where we can. I must say, be careful what you read. Honestly, sometimes all of the info. out there is enough to drive one insane! It can be scary and overwhelming. Instead of freaking myself out, I decided to do baby steps as according to most info. everything we are eating is poison. Coupled with having digestive paralysis, it's much to bleak. I have enough to worry about.
So while it might seem simple or stupid to make such a big deal over trying new foods, for me it's comparable to my fear of heights. I am going to do it afraid and I know there will be hits and misses, but I also know that there will be winners! It's been a pattern in my life that I have noticed, I am afraid to try because I might fail. Well, the biggest failure in life, is not trying at all. Besides, I know for me, the most poignant moments in my life have involved failure and it has shaped who I am. Going through life I have met a lot of people. Those who tried, who had amazing stories of hardships, yet also seemed to be the most happy. And those who didn't try, who live in a steady stream of self pity and bitterness. Actually it wasn't even their successes in finances that made me view them so highly, it was their attitude. It's taught me a lot.
No matter our circumstances we all have a choice in life, to be the victim or the survivor. For me for so long I saw myself as a victim. I would rehash my life story and feel, why me? As I went through each stage of catastrophe and wonderful people reminding me over and over that G-d wasn't allowing all of this to punish me, but to strengthen me. He really has. Not only so, but I feel He is redeeming me as well.
This week I got to go to Isaiah's field day! Did I feel good going. Nope. In fact, I felt like every muscle in my neck and back were going to explode. I was in so much pain, but I kept on seeing his sweet little face and remembering, this isn't about me. G-d had a friend of mine call at just the right time to pick up Aria, so that I could just be there for Isaiah. As much pain as I was in just sitting there, I was there. I walked away a bit frustrated that I wasn't feeling better, but then quickly was reminded, but I WAS there.
For me there is something about blogging my goals, it just makes it more final. So, on to my next race;) I am asking for prayers for courage to try foods and for energy to keep up with my family. Food, the next frontier! If you have any tips, feel free to share! All I can encourage to those around me is, do it afraid! So what if you fail, you just might have a great story to come out of it. Either way, you win! Well, watch, pray, believe, and be amazed!! Here I go!
