Have you ever looked at a bird in cage? I often wonder, do they like the security of being safe? Or do they long for that door to open, even for a moment so they can do what they were meant to do, FLY! After the past few years I think I know that answer. It's to do what G-d intends for all of His beautiful creatures, to be free.
How do I know this, experience. I was reminiscing these past few days where we were last year at this time. We had just moved back from living with my In Laws as I was too sick to care for my little ones and myself. I remember being excited and terrified all at the same time. I was excited to be back home and to hopefully resume where we left off, yet terrified to know if I could pull it off. I remember even just walking up and down the stairs was hard work. Truly, I remember it all and it is actually so painful, I find it hard to speak and write about it even to this day.
Like me, the house was drab and empty. Over the past few months it is slowly coming to life with color on the walls and color in my soul. Really, I can't help but wonder if everyone's homes are a reflection of where they are in life. Cluttered, muted tones, bright color, stream lined??? I don't know, I just wonder.
Since February I was encouraged by a couple of friends to go back to bible study. I really wasn't sure I wanted to go back yet. I kept on waiting for the right time, to be healthy, to look more put together. Well, that right time wasn't really coming. I came to realize that my health may not ever be that picture of what I had hoped for and that it was time to take a leap of faith. Truly it was an act of G-d to get me there, and I am thankful that He gave me the ability to go.
It was a safe place. I cried, shared my fears, and listened to others as they did the same. I learned so much each time I went. Everyone had their own battles to fight and yet we were all clinging to G-d's truth to help see us through. Through sharing my struggles I was able to connect with others who shared in my pain. It made me feel less alone, and yet what I loved most, is it wasn't a big giant gossip/pity fest. Instead it was addressing our issues and then leaning on others as they encouraged each other to expose our hearts for healing. Each word that was spoken was full of comfort, love, and hope.
A few of the women had encouraged me to step out and do what I used to do. You have to understand that on a daily basis, I am behind in calories. This means I pretty much have chronic fatigue. On top of that, I battle pain in my gut and nausea that comes and goes when I least expect it. I guess the best way to explain it is it's like living with a chronic stomach bug. Some days are better than others, but it is always there. So when they suggested to get out anyways, all I could think was "how?" I constantly feel sick. Truly if you look at me, I don't look sick (which is a HUGE blessing), so that complicates the matter. Why? I guess sometimes I think it's hard for others to understand how awful you feel when you look normal. At the same time, I don't want to constantly be talking about how awful I feel, as that is just down right destructive. Not only for me, but for those around me. So, I have been searching to find that balance.
Again, it came back to starting the bible study, waiting for that perfect time to feel just right. Guess what? It doesn't really work that way. So my mission was to set out and do things anyways. So I have been starting out small. Every day that the sun came out, I forced myself to take a walk. First it was just walking a few houses away, then down the street, then around the block. Just because you are skinny does not mean that you are in shape. I was so out of shape that I would get leg cramps for walking even the smallest distance. At first I babied myself. That is until I realized that in order to make progress, it was going to have to hurt. How's that for a life view;) So with that my walks have increased.
With each walk I made sure to spend time observing G-d's beautiful creations. I love spring as it is my favorite season seeing all of the blossoms blooming into cotton candy pinks, purples, and white's bursting everywhere!! The golden daffodil's that look like bursts of sun and their neighbors the tulips and all of the multi colors. The birds fluttering about and seeing each jarring movements of their little bodies and hearing their melodious songs being shared back and forth to each other. Of course there is the occasional squirrels bouncing here and there with their gorgeous brown eyes and fluffy tails. I have half a mind to try to pick one up like that of a Sleeping Beauty, if not for the knowledge the little critter would probably scratch my eyes out! I half expected people to step out of their houses in unison singing beautiful songs as we all dance around like something out of a musical (oddly enough, I am not a Musical Movie watcher)! As we come out of the deadness of winter, beauty is rising everywhere and I can't get enough. Life is returning to the earth and life is returning to my body.
I felt as though I was that bird sitting in the cage and with each walk, the door of my cage was slowly opening and I found my curiosity widening with each step I took. It's amazing how much I had taken each simple opportunity before. I used to whine about having to come up with a menu, go grocery shopping, doing laundry, you name it, I didn't want to do it. I remember the ever dreaded dinner menu, OY!! Now, I find a part of my soul just light up with each little task that crosses my path. It's a joy. Somehow what was once considered work, is now a representation of freedom. How blessed I used to be to just throw together and eat a meal and not having to be afraid of it's repercussions. Or just even the option of picking out whatever I decide and not having to wait on others to help me, oh I long for those days.
Aria and Isaiah both have been asking me to visit their schools for parties and now field trips. I haven't been able to go and with each "No..." that I spoke, I saw their eyes drop down in dismay. Aria had her last day of preschool and it broke my heart not to even have set foot in her class even one time this year. I had to go, I felt it in my spirit, it was time! I have learned long ago that I don't make promises. I don't ever like to disappoint, so I try not to even go there. On this day my friend came to pick up Aria as always. I almost stopped and asked to her to take me along, but realized I needed to eat another mini meal before I could leave. So I called Seth to bring home the van so that I could go. I don't drive often, and if I do, I try to make sure another driver is with me. It's not a legal thing, it's just I feel like I need to be safe in case of a sugar drop or whatnot. But that day, I knew I had to get there. So Seth brought me the van and I took him back to work. On the way to the school I felt as though I was a 16 year old who had just gotten their license for the first time. I road with the window down, hung my arm out of the window, and turned the music up just a little bit louder, and I felt FREE!! I half didn't want to stop driving, I just wanted to keep on going and going but then I remember Aria's little face. So to the school I drove. I got there and felt a bit wobbly, but told myself to "suck it up!" And in I went! Aria's teacher's have been beyond compassionate with us this whole year. When they saw me, their jaws about hit the floor. I beamed with smiles with camera in hand I walked up to Aria. She was completely oblivious to me, when I said "Aria." She looked up at me with those steel blue eyes and dropped her toy into the sandbox and whispered "Mom, are you really here?" Shoot, it could have been a scene out of a movie as both of our eyes met and began to water (cue stringed instruments crescendo!). I got to give her a big hug and soon all of the other kids were a buzz. Aria's best friend came up and began to chatter right along side her. They were both so eager to show of all that they do and I was ecstatic to soak in each treasure. I even well up with tears each time I think about it, it was a gift of G-d to be able to share in that moment and I felt alive!
I could tell of so many other stories that happened that week, we went to see Joyce Meyer, and Seth took me on a surprise date (they never happened planned), and with each outing I felt like a butterfly coming out of a the cocoon. At first their wings are crumpled and weak, but with each pulse of movement, their wings grow stronger and stronger. That day Seth took me out to Holland and I couldn't stop smiling. You know those dogs that stick their heads out of the window while the wind flaps their jowls? I kind of felt like that! Only instead of fur flying everywhere, it was my hair. We didn't do much, but the colors outside that day were extraordinary, so vibrant and full of life, and it was contagious!! We got to go to a couple of stores and just mosey around. With each few minutes that went by Seth would check on me to see how I was doing. Truly, I was beyond exhausted, but I just wanted to keep on flapping my wings and fly! (weird analogy for being in a store, but you get my drift) It was just the simple act of going out that brought life to my body. I still didn't feel great physically, but the mental status changed my whole outlook. Seth kept on looking at me and saying, "this is the Kelly I remember." Funny thing is, I was starting to remember her too. In fact, I can't wait to get reacquainted!
That weekend we had our last bible study. The woman who was leading taught on doing things afraid. Each word that she spoke echoed all that had been going through my mind these past few months and it really hit home. G-d really does work in mysterious ways. I have found He slips in reminders of which way to go when you really pay attention. It's almost as if he sends out little cheerleaders to say "You are going the right way, YAY YAY YAY!!" Sorry, I couldn't resist, HA!
Since then with my family I have gone to the library, the mall, 2 bike rides (and I didn't even fall off!), mowed a part of the lawn, weed wacked, planted flowers, went to a conference..... It's been amazing. Do I physically feel any better? A little bit, but on most of those times I really had to push myself beyond my comfort zone. I did it afraid. I remember Seth saying to me one night, "You used to not be afraid of anything. I see you speaking with others, so unsure of yourself. That isn't you. You need to show them who you are! You used to be fearless, now you are afraid of everything!" At first his words stung, but I quickly realized he had a point, a valid one indeed. For so long now I have lost who I am. First the kids passing away and then this chronic illness, I got lost on my own path. I have heard so often people saying "You need to know who you are in Christ." I never really got it, until now. G-d didn't make me to be weak. He didn't make me to be quiet and scared. But in my weakness is when He has been able to show me His strength. He has made me realize that he made me as my Grandpa used to call me "a firecracker." Sure they look small and tiny but when you light them on fire, watch the sparks fly! He made me to be a communicator and being in isolation has stifled that. I am learning who He made me to be.
So you can imagine my sadness as yesterday I pushed myself too hard. This past week I have had continuous tension headache and with that my muscles in my shoulder and back have really put me in severe pain. I kept on going out and did things even in pain, hoping it would work itself out. Not so much. Last night as everyone was outside I had come to the realization that my body was wore out and the pain was too much. I found tears rolling down my cheeks as I felt a bird who had just flown for days, retreating back to her cage. I don't want to go back in, I want to be free.... Seth later came in and saw me silently staring off into space. He asked me what was wrong. I shared that I was frustrated that I WANT to be the mowing the lawn, I wanted to stay outside not go in... He shared with me that it always frustrates him when I have a good week and then I back track, almost as if to give us a taste of what was, but is so hard to maintain. I found myself deep in thought thinking, no, I need these days. These days give me hope to believe that better days are to come.
I am blessed, today I woke up. I remind myself to be thankful daily. Even on the awful ones, I find even the smallest of things that someone else can't do. I can walk. So many people out there can't. I can see, my Grandmother is blind. I have loved ones all around me, cheering me on when I am down. I have kids, when so many others can't even have one. I have a husband who loves me, no matter how much of a hot mess I look. I have a faith in G-d who holds the whole world in His hands. I have hope that He sees me and has good things planned for me. I have a savior that took my sins on to be His own. I have G-d's Holy Spirit to lead me in this walk called life, to remind me of all that is good. I have hope. I am a prisoner of hope and there is no other place I'd rather be. We aren't promised a life without trials, it is stated over and over in the bible. In fact, we are made to go through those trials to refine us to ready us for something greater still not known.
So even though today I may be back in the cage with the door shut, I know that it is not locked. My time will come where I will be able to spread my wings whether it be for a few hours, days, weeks.... All that I know is that I have been given the promise that G-d gives us beauty for ashes, and out of these ashes Beauty Will Rise!
I know my healing is coming, maybe not yet in the form of what I want it to look like, but surely it is. Your prayers are worth more to me than any amount of money. I ask you not only to pray for healing for my family, but also for all of those out there who are struggling. We all have our battles to fight and with someone by your side, it is much less lonely. Your prayers matter and are priceless. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
