Hmmmm, where to begin. This past month and a half, has been nothing but extraordinary. In January I found myself paralyzed by fear and feeling hopeless. I was speaking with someone when they said "You are no longer Kelly, you have become gastroparesis." The words cut deep and wounded me straight to my core. I was so upset and didn't really know how to process this. Part of the reason I love to blog is I can be my true self. The odd thing is, when I meet people I don't know in public, I turn into the shy little girl that used to hide behind my parents legs. I know, I know, me shy? Preposterous! Really, it is true. When I do get to know you, then of course I can't keep quiet to save my life. I also wear my heart on my sleeve. What you see is what you get. No games, no guessing, just me. So I think it's shocking to people to find out how sensitive I really am. You know the old adage, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me?" Yeah for me it's the opposite. You can break my bones, but it's the words that hurt deeply.
So when this person said this, I was horrified. I cried a bit, as I felt like such a failure. How did I let this get so bad? So I prayed. Before I got sick, I truly felt that G-d was with me. As soon as all of this happened, it felt as though He had departed. I know that isn't true, but He has been so silent. I have been in survival mode for such a long time that I fell out of my social circle and pretty much had become a hermit crab. I would look outside watching the families walking by, the old couple who pulls their dog in a radio flyer red wagon, the joggers passing by and long to have the energy, the drive, the ability to just step out. I rarely have been able to get out. But when I do, we drive by all the restaurants that would visit for a special treat and indulge to my hearts content. I find myself pressing up my face on the window like a child, yearning to go, yearning for a special place to indulge, to fellowship with loved ones, to eat with out fear. As we drive by, my super sniffer detects each scent of spices, meat, and oh yes, the ever coveted fried foods! Of course I find myself day dreaming of vegetable spreads galore, with broccoli cheese soup, a salad of any choosing (salad num num), chili, taco's, sweet and sour chicken with fried rice and a spring roll, oh my! For right now, it's not to be.
As much as I miss the food, what I miss most is people. The hard part is everything is so centered around food. No matter where you go, it's always there. Most would say, just push past it, but I have to say I have a lot more self control than I thought I ever had. I want to reply back, I will give you a list of what I eat. I challenge you to eat this every day for a whole month. While on this diet, I challenge you to go out to restaurants and see how you would respond. I think you might be quite surprised at your reaction. I don't mean this in a bad way, but truly to try and grasp what this is. I don't dare say it, as I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Truly I keep on trying to remind myself of the foods I can eat. I often think of my ancestors who complained even after G-d had given them manna and quail. I used to think, why weren't they more grateful? They were in the desert and freed from oppression for crying out loud! I have had much more time to review this scenario as I delve into the bible with fresh eyes. I can't help but really imagine what they felt and saw through out that time. How often do we find ourselves in bondage due to bad habits, addictions, and we stay there because it's all we know! While the idea of freedom in thrilling, sometimes the fear of the unknown chains us to wall. Lately I have found myself thinking about the story about Abraham and Isaac. It's all so simply said that he trusted G-d and took Isaac and placed him on the alter. What on earth was Sarah and Isaac thinking?! Did they trust Him? What kind of trust issues did they have with Abraham after it was over? Or how about thinking of that scenario taken place in modern times. There would have been a SWAT surrounding the area. Then I find myself thinking about Moses and the parting of the Red Sea, whapping a rock and water pouring out, the Pillar of Fire, and that wasn't even the half of it! Or Joshua and the battle of Jericho, Jonah, need I even go there?! Their faith is astounding! The stories are endless in the miracles that G-d provides and the proof of His existence. So often I found myself thinking, yeah but they are stories. I felt a nudge in my spirit that said, "These are your ancestors and this is actually what they went through. These are not tales, they are truth. Don't forget, cherish them, learn from them." I would encourage everyone to take place in a Passover Seder. It really can give you such a deep appreciation for what they went through. Especially for us Christians, Jesus was Jewish. He took part in these festivities and they were important to him. I see the parallels of the shadow of death passing over because of the lamb's shed blood, just as Jesus shed his blood for us and we are now protected when death passes over us. Really in reading the Old Testament there is so much that we have to learn in that miraculous time. That's another post in itself;) All I can say is, G-d is Amazing!
As I found myself asking for prayers less and less, I found my kids asking more questions. As I answered each question, I found myself asking "do I even believe this?" How could I forget after all that we saw with Aurora and Elijah? Well, I am human and G-d knows that we are forgetful and are minds are on what is seen and not unseen. So I asked Him to open my eyes to see what He is really doing, to make me see the good in all things instead of the grief and despair. I begged Him to bring me into a season of joy and dancing. A close friend of mine was talking about how she needed to be in the word more. I felt that same conviction in my heart and I knew it was where I needed to start.
I found myself in the book of Isaiah 61: 1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our G-d, comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of splendor.
I have felt for the last 10 years I have been in such a deep season of grief, mourning, and even despair. These words spoke volumes to me and really made me think, how do I get this? Praise, thankfulness, gratefulness. The very reason we named our son Elijah Praise, so that we would never forget our gratitude to G-d for his special little life. I feel as I go through each transition, another scale is lifted from my blinded eyes exposing beautiful lights of hope and truth. All of the sudden I have been able to see all the acts of kindness, all of the people that have reached out at just the right times, He has been there all along.
I am still hungry. I still deal with bouts of fear, but now I understand where they are coming from. What I am realizing is that I need to hunger for G-d the way that I hunger for real food. It cracks me up that the bible refers to love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, joy, goodness, and self control as fruit. I am literally trading worldly food for spiritual food! The irony!
For those of you who have been let down by people, by the people in your church, or hurt by religious people. Maybe you were abused, neglected, bullied, your family fell apart, maybe your child/spouse/parent/close friend died, maybe you can't have a child, maybe you are sick and you aren't getting any better, whatever the reason... I feel your pain, I know that I haven't walked your shoes, but I understand the pain of life. I found myself often angry at G-d and I have heard others that don't believe, that they will say I don't want to know a G-d that would allow those things to happen. What I am learning is that G-d is a just G-d. He is loving, kind, and faithful. He weeps with us when we weep. What satan does for evil, G-d changes for good. G-d is the G-d of hope and miracles. Even though things don't happen the ways that we want, they are for a greater good. Hard to swallow when it is you that is suffering or watching someone else suffer. Good over rides evil. Even though I daily, heck hourly battle the frustrations and the let downs of the way I thought my life should be. I can now step back and see all of the things that have gone right, that are beautiful and that give me hope to keep on going.
Right now I am battling a systemic infection that I have had for a while. I had no idea it was there, I had just assumed it was pain I had to live with. I seriously have been so sick this week that I could hardly eat, get out of bed, even breath. As I laid in bed struggling to slow my heart from beating so loud that the neighbors had to have heard, I cried out to G-d. I was reminded to ask others for prayers. Believe it or not, I have been struggling to ask for prayers. I figure I don't want to burden others and I don't want people to think I am drama. I remembered that faith is in the unseen, and lets face it, chronic illness is pretty well unseen. So I am going to keep on asking for those prayers for healing whether I am healed in the next week, month, year, decade, heck my whole life. I believe that He hears our prayers. Prayers have truly become part of my "food." Words of encouragement give me hope to keep on moving. There is so much power in our words, in our prayers, and in our love for others. I have been so blessed to have so many reach out and show me love. These people with never know the magnitude of gratitude that lies within my heart. I am thankful that as I open my heart to be vulnerable and share of my pain, there are those who are not afraid to reach out and hold my hand. It makes me want to love better.
For those of you who have been praying for me with this latest infection that was spreading throughout my body, your prayers were not in vain. I actually took a new med and for the first time in a while, minimal side effects! I am so thankful as I am starting feel like I can walk around without being in a tremendous amount of pain. Thank you for your words of encouragement and your prayers. I keep on seeing the phrase "love one another." Truly my heart is filled with so much love that I just want to hug everyone!
My prayer for this year is to be healed, but also to put on the crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. I can now truly look back at Elijah and Aurora with joy, and look forward to the day when our family will be made whole. I am ready to leave behind the grief, despair, the why's, and the should have's. I pray that I can just be grateful for what was no matter how hard it was, as those hard times have and are shaping me into the person I am now and I am going to be. The book of James has given me the peace of mind to just live in the present and not worry about a 5 year plan, or even what is going to happen tomorrow. What good does planning do? It just causes worry and expectations that can cause disappointment. So today I am here. I am battered and worn, but I am still here!
With that I will leave you with some things that have brought joy to our home this week. We had some blecky weather, so Isaiah had recess in the gym. Seth was speaking with his principal about how Isaiah was adjusting being back at school. I guess Isaiah had a bunch of the 4th grade girls surrounding him as he asked for sheets of paper to write out all the books of the bible to create a Bible Challenge. Isaiah loves watching the bible trivia show on Sundays and seriously gets almost every single answer correct! I told Seth we should just send him to seminary already. There was more to it than that, but I just cracked up! Seth checked out the Action Bible from the library and Isaiah reads it ALL of the time! He loves to quiz us all through out the night! He is truly a little prophet. Last night he asked me if we could write some prayers out and send them to G-d. He seems eager to love G-d and really his drive has been so inspiring. Aria lately has had a fascination with flowers. I used to work in a floral shop and she said she wants to be a "flower artist." It was one of my most favorite jobs that I had ever worked at. She is fully of witty sayings. She likes to call me "My Dear." She would live at school if she could and she is happy to have been reunited with her best friend at school. They both pray for my tummy every night and ask when the day that I will be healed will be. I just keep on reminding them that their prayers are special to G-d as little children are so pure in faith. They inspire me with each giggle, silly joke, and hug. I feel honored to do their hair, fold up their little clothes, read stories as their eyes get wide with excitement. As hard as it is to have them see me go through this, I am thankful they are here. They give me reason to try hard each day to get up and get going. I don't think they will ever know what special gifts they really are. Seth has been hard at work trying to balance it all. He recently has joined a men's bible study that he is eager to go to each week. I am happy that he has a place that he can just relax and be with some testosterone! Still, he is my best friend. He has had to help me up a lot this week, it reminds me of last year when I was on death's door. As broken as I feel, he reminds me that he loves me and thinks I am so beautiful. He truly is my prince charming. I myself have been thankful for some very dear friends that G-d has blessed us with. They have been walking by our sides, encouraging us, and truly have shown us love. I myself have been able to join a bible study. While I go and have been so nervous that I make a Chihuahua look calm, they have been so loving and supportive. I found myself belching due to my food getting stuck, so I had to pace back and forth (to get the food to move) and while I felt a bit self conscious a couple of them came up and gave me a hug and didn't flinch. While I only know a few of the ladies, I am so excited to get to know then more. I have to say one last funny thing. Isaiah prayed this beautiful eloquent prayer and it was Aria's turn. She talks like Brittany the chipmunk so sometimes her voice just goes higher and higher. So Aria says, "Dear G-d, I pray for all of the gassy people to not be so gassy....." She said some more but I wasn't sure if I heard her right with my hearing issues and all. So when I looked at Seth he was stifling a laugh, I asked him what she had said and sure enough, she said gassy! We just laughed and laughed. It's been good to laugh, I've missed being silly. I feel as though G-d is making me new, that the old is passing away, I'm excited.
So with that I will end with asking for prayers. Please, never underestimate the power of prayer. I am asking for prayers for Seth as he has his hands full. The man is tuckered out and really needs to be able to relax. For Isaiah, we are still struggling with asthma and he is having some issues with being bullied at school (the school is getting involved) he has such a tender heart and doesn't understand why. Aria has been having some tonsil issues, so not sure what to do about that. For me, healing, peace, joy, and wisdom. Also, to be able to put of the spirit of despair and to fully put on the garment of praise and dance!
My cousin just reminded me of this song and I have heard it a hundred times but never listened to the words. It really hit home, it expresses how I feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sijWd80MNOQ
May you all be blessed, thank you for caring about our family. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed!
His love endures forever!
