I have finally come out of writing seclusion. I decided to take a break, but Seth encouraged me to get back on the ball. It's crazy how my life has so dramatically changed. As I close my eyes, I can remember two years ago about this time. Aria was toddling around, Isaiah was into his ocean aquatic stage, and I was stuffing my face every time I turned around. I would be running up and down the stairs running loads of laundry, while prepping dinner (trying to wow Seth with my new found culinary skills) trying to create a new mouthwatering masterpiece, and probably yapping on the phone to get in some adult conversation that didn't require the words, potty or sippy cup. I remember feeling so frazzled, trying so hard to be super Mom. I pretty much failed at it. How can you succeed when comparing yourself to others? You can't.
With all of the holiday movies, there is one that I can almost really relate to. Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol. I feel like I am Scrooge. Only instead of having a huge greed for money, my downfall, an ungrateful heart. Sometimes I feel as though all the ghosts are visiting me late at night, the ghosts of the past, present, and future. I wonder if Charles Dickens wasn't writing that the ghosts were literal, but that of our mind. Honestly, I have never read the book, just have seen every movie known with that title all the way down to the Disney version (scared the hoo ha out of me as a kid) on TV. I now look back on the life I had, even while Elijah and Aurora were still alive, and I find myself wanting to yell at the old me to say "YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME!! BELIEVE OR NOT, THESE ARE SOME OF YOUR BEST YEARS!" I see the young me, hair down my back, happy all the time. We lived on a Native American reservation for a few years out in South Dakota where my parents were foster parents for 13 girls all at the same time! I was the baby out of all the girls and so I was well loved, and I loved all of them. I especially loved one of the oldest girls who as far as I was concerned, was a movie star. Her name was Tammy and I adored her. I had some of my happiest childhood memories out there. I remember swimming in the Missouri River and just laughing a lot. I then flash forward to various periods of time, some good, some not so much, but somehow everything was still okay. Of course I revisit when Aurora and Elijah, the ups and downs of their pregnancies. The joys of their births and the sorrow of their deaths. Looking back, I can see the handiwork of G-d. How he brought people into our lives at just the right time, that alone still mystifies me. While I grieve over the relationships that did not with hold the test of time, I know now, for everything there is a season.
Sometimes the ghost of the future shows up in the form of panic attacks, anxiety, and fear as my thoughts introduce the possibilities of what might be. I am here to say that I am Christian, but I am not the type that you see on TV that seems so perfect and put together. Lately, I have been reading the book of James in the bible. I can tell you that if James was here right now, I'd be in big trouble. I have been having trouble concentrating, so his chapter is easy for me to read and to understand. He was quite the straight shooter, no bones about what was on his mind. Any thought of pious behavior is squelched within reading the first two chapters, he is a reminder that none of us have it together. Still he talks about rejoicing in trials, I am not there yet. In fact he says that the trials actually shape your maturity. I don't feel like I am progressing in this area. Instead, I feel as though I might be regressing. I feel as though I went from being this strong firm opinionated woman, into a weak questioning child. The other day I was pretty much mentally flogging myself for my lack of faith, when I remembered, ..."faith like a child." I found myself pondering, has G-d allowed this suffering to humble me? I didn't think I was that prideful, but maybe I was? The thing about not being able to eat, well it pretty much makes you feel like a rabid animal. I probably look like this tiny pathetic little animal, but when you walk by with those tacos, chili, meatloaf, Chinese, heck a salad (never thought that would be on my top 5 things truly missed) I just feel like I am going to start frothing at the mouth and then who knows what things I might be capable of!? Run!! Then the scary stuff like sickness throws me into a tailspin. Simple colds set me back for days, I feel so fragile. I look at my children and pray that G-d will let me see them grow up, to be able to play with them like I used to. Or to see them go on a date, graduate, see them have their first baby and watch them grow old. Or I look at Seth, and long to be by his side till we have white hair, or as we joke, bald and toothless. I can't not imagine being by his side. I have declared that he is going to wear button down shirts with a cute bowtie and suspenders to hold up his pants all while whistling every time he speaks. I want to be there and I wonder, what if I am not? Often we visit the kids at the mausoleum, we stand in front of their headstone and I can't help but look to left and see our empty space. I can't help but imagine my name up there. There is a man that's wife passed away years ago. To this day, there are always fresh flowers. When I have had some of my worst days, Seth has promised that he won't forget me, and that he'll bring flowers..... Some people say you can't think like that. Well, I am just being honest and I'd be a liar to say I didn't. The hardest part is feeling like I haven't done much, I haven't left a legacy. I keep on thinking, if G-d asks me what I did here on earth, what have I done??
Which brings me to the present. Having really rough days, makes you truly appreciate the good days. By good, I mean being able to wake up in the morning. Every day I wake up, I am truly thankful that G-d has allowed me yet another day. As my bones seem to move slowly, it gives me time to set a goal for that day. Each day I pray I can eat a little more, be a little more nice, and to trust G-d. Some days I fall flat on my face, while others feel like a beautiful song. I pad into Aria's room and see her sweet angelic face. "Aria, how did you sleep?" She always replies
"Good, I dreamed about ponies, butterflies, and rainbows, and you Mommy?" She is always giggling and I'll say "this is the day that the Lord has made," she chimes in with me, "let us REJOICE and be glad in it!" We head downstairs to face the day. Some days I can hardly make it to the couch and we have dry cereal. On the good ones, I move around. I love the good ones. I cherish the good ones. I still keep on clinging to the hope that this season will pass and I find myself constantly praying for true healing. Sometimes that hope almost makes me crazy, sometimes it is all I have to keep on going. Some days I feel like I need music to drive the evil thoughts away. All I keep on thinking is, this wasn't supposed to be my life, how did I get here? Yet, I am. This is my life. I have outlived some of my children, I have lived longer than those whose names flash across the nightly news, I have lived...
I am reminded of the gift that G-d has allowed, that is truly a priceless gift. It is the gift of others. Every time I find myself asking G-d, "did you forget me? Does anyone remember me?" He responds in the most unique of ways. While some may say it is chance, others fate, I know it is G-d. I have been dreading the holidays for a while. We have been struggling as Seth has had to miss a lot of work and the medical bills keep on coming. The kids this year were already talking about Christmas back before Halloween. I feel as though so much has been taken from them in having to stick with me that I just couldn't help but feel depressed. FB and I have a love/hate relationship. While it's great for the sense that it keeps me somewhat in a social loop, it also can be a cause of envy. I see the posts of everyone going out to eat, going on vacation, heck going grocery shopping, and I feel so ashamed that I can't too. Then came the postings of the Christmas tree with gifts piled everywhere and I started to feel sick. I had already envisioned Isaiah questioning me on where all the gifts were, eh.... I kept on praying to G-d to help, I didn't know how, but we needed it. I would love to go into details, but I know some people want to stay anonymous, but I'll just say, we had presents under the tree. I cried. I am grateful beyond words. The best gift of all, was realizing that we hadn't been forgotten. I kept on telling the kids about the importance of giving, not getting.
You know at the end of the movie, Scrooge was able to right his wrongs. I keep on asking G-d for my chance to right my wrongs. I dream of the day that I have the energy to get up and do things for others. Gone are the days for trying to keep up with Jones. I, so badly want to be remembered as someone who really sought G-d out, who tried to do the right thing. I also want to be remembered as someone who truly cared about others. I have learned about compassion to a level I never knew existed. I feel peoples pain, as they cry about their suffering, I cry with them. I don't want to run away and get on with my life, instead I want to put my arm around them and say the simple words of "I'm here, I am not going away." I am doing the best I can to try from my shut in status, but I dream of the day when I can go to other's houses and help in whatever it is that they need. I have suffered so much, but I know that others are suffering right along with me, even worse. I feel my heart of stone, is being turned to flesh. As painful as it is, I am thankful to G-d for allowing me another day. While I still battle the fear of each new flu or food setback, I can only pray that His mighty hand will carry me and push on through.
I say all of this with tears in my eyes. I have a friend of mine who has gastroparesis as well. I believe G-d brought her into my life last year, when I didn't know if I had the strength to go on. She encouraged me with words of assurance about the feeding tube and spoke to me about all of my suffering that it wasn't all in my head, it was real. Her last tube coiled up in her stomach and was giving her horrible pain. I don't want to over step my bounds of privacy for her, but I want people to understand that this is a very difficult diagnosis that can barely affect some, and brutally mess with others. Like me, she too was a foodie. Was, I hate that word. Anyways, she is way more courageous when it comes to trying new foods and has inspired me to be brave in each day. She was hoping that she might do better without the tube, but it hasn't been the case. She is now at a dangerously low weight and all I can do is pray. I feel so helpless. Why can't we find a cure for this thing? It really hits home how serious this really is. I just want to go down to the hospitals and beg them to do more research, to give us hope. In a world obsessed with losing weight, we want to gain!!!! As each weight loss commerical comes on, another is followed by a restaurant commercial, how messed up is that?? Talk about messing with your mind!! Blah! Anyways my arm is going numb, so I better pause for now. I ask for prayers for my dear friend, that the Lord would make a path for her, that she would experience His peace, and be healed. I too need prayers. I ask that G-d would protect us from illness and make me strong and have energy again. I have been so depleted that I can hardly put my clothes on without getting winded.
I ask for prayers of hope and healing. I ask for prayers against the evil one, for protection from all of his firey darts in any way shape and form. I believe that I can ask this, as with anything with G-d is possible. Blessed be His name for He gives and He takes away.
Watch, Pray, Believe, and be Amazed.
