The Results Are In

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, as I have done terribly staying current. For those of you who are still reading, here is the scoop! After of a week of a steady stream of tantrums and restless nights, I finally contacted the Pediatrician. Seth felt that it would ease our minds as Ms. Thang has been getting away with murder. I am pretty strict with our kids, but with the fever from last month and all, I was hesitant. I was concerned that if something was wrong, I'd regret disciplining her so much. I called the doctor yesterday after canceling two playdates due to the lack of sleep and emotional patience. He insisted it was time to rule out with the blood work. At first I was going to have Seth go alone, as I really didn't want to go down to the lab where we had sat many a time with Eli. I have found visiting places like that bring back huge floods of memories. Some are good, but a lot aren't. After speaking to my very dear friend, who is like a sister to me, and encouraging her that G-d hasn't given her a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound mind. Her daughter is going through a lot right now and I can hear the fear in her voice and I so badly wanted to comfort and encourage her. After I had hung up the phone, I felt G-d speaking to me saying "Um Kelly, you need to practice what you preach. It's time to face another fear down." I wanted to say, but Lord! I have been. I have been going to play area's with the kids, not using hand sanitizer for every little thing, and even turning a blind eye when Aria eats food off our floor!!! Not this! Earlier this week we were a part of an amazing thing. It's kind of hard to explain, but we learned so much about not living in the chains of bondage. Going to the lab, was a part of this bondage. If you have ever met someone who has been through something traumatic, you may find that they will avoid certain places, foods, clothing, etc. anything that might remind them of what happened. Of course you know that by engaging in these things aren't going to bring bad things upon you, it's just the memories are to hard to relive. It's difficult with Elijah as his life went hand in hand with the good and the bad. Seeing his sweet little face and all that he over came. His life was so miraculous and his personality was so gentle. Then there is all the pain the little guy had to go through. Sometimes I get those horrible thoughts that my selfishness in wanting a child put him through so much unnecessary pain. Then G-d reminds me that is was HE that allowed Elijah to live. Elijah's life had a great purpose in those short 6 1/2 amazing months. He touched so many people, and Seth and I bonded so tightly in that time. His life is still touching people's lives to this day. Well, you have heard me say this a million times. Anyways, it was time to go down there. It turned out we had less time to get down there than we thought. We had to get there quickly as it was about to close, and in we went. As soon as we opened the door the memories flooded back. I remember us pushing him in his green Graco stroller with his jungle themed pattern on his car seat. He was tucked in with a sleeper (almost always) and his Carter's white bear snow suit. Of course, I had the canopy closed to keep him from getting exposed (Doctor's orders) and racing through the halls to get him to clinic. I almost felt like I was watching myself in movie fashion. I saw me running by with him without giving anyone a glance, steadfast on getting to where we needed to go. While haunting, it almost made me feel, I don't know how to put it into words. We got to the lab and there were a couple of kids in line. They remodeled how it looked slightly, so it was kind of strange. We ended up talking to a couple that was pregnant who were sitting across from us. We chit chatted and I asked her when she was due, "April 14th." Being that it was Eli's death date, I almost felt my breath being taken away. I just smiled. I didn't know whether to laugh or burst into tears. It's amazing after all this time and it still hits me unexpectedly. It was Aria's turn and of course she sobbed, that is until they showed her the "disco ball" band aid, as Seth and I like to call it. Then her sobs slowed to a giggle and an "oooh pretty!" Of course they let both of them pick out a toy out of the treasure box and that seemed to make their day. I'm glad I did it. It was important to stare fear down in the face and say "You can't control me anymore!" Seth and I found ourselves reminiscing about Eli on and of for the rest of the night. We laughed and thought of him with joy as we recounted all of his many silly nick names. Heaven is going to be super sweet to see Aurora and Eli's faces again. I'm gonna smother them in kisses. I wonder if people who haven't traveled a road similar to ours even realize how much they are still always on our minds. I need to go out to the mausoleum and put my hand on their names, it just makes me feel so close that they are just on the other side... Well, back to Aria. The little stinker has been giving us a run for our money. I called this morning to get the results and they finally came in. I am happy to announce that I am the Mommy of a determined 2 1/2 year old. Yep, everything is fine!!! I called Seth at work to let him know and his response was "Praise G-d!" Followed by something to the effect of, now we can discipline her with out worry, but in different words. Do I regret doing it? Nope! Everything seems to happen for a reason. In this case, we can finally without guilt, take care of Little Lady's saucy attitude, and I faced a fear I have been avoiding for 6 years. I feel FREE!! I feel the chains of bondage falling off my wrists and the fear is melting away. Sure, we still have a lot going on, but we must Praise G-d for the small things in life to see his finger prints in all that we do. I truly believe that we are so easily sucked into the worldy ways, feeling that this is normal. Hurry here, run there, buy this, buy that, what do they think of me, how do I look, what if I am never successful, I wish I had that, what about me??? When it really should be, Lord lead me, this life is not my own, I want to live for you. It doesn't matter what we have on the outside, designer clothes, fancy this or that, it's our hearts that matter. Where did all this come from? Well, dear friend, I'll just have to save that for another post;) Watch, Pray, Believe, and be ever so Amazed. Thanks be to you my Lord!

Restoration

Restoration, G-d seems to have placed this word on my heart to represent this next coming year. I am determined to truly place G-d first and foremost in my life. This is something I have tried to do. But me, being the control freak that I am, I tend to get impatient and lose my focus and get frustrated. I have hidden away long enough and it's time to come out of my shell again. My season of hiding is over. I believe we go through so many seasons in our life, each bring such a deep meaningful purpose. Some seasons even seem to repeat, but it all leads back to our relationship with G-d. For so long now, I have put my feelings and expectations on the people in my life. Instead of stopping and praying for G-d to lead me, I try and take over by finding someone to help me. I have always been terribly impatient, so I need the instant gratification of getting the answer I want, right away. I am not saying it's a bad thing to rely on others, but it is a bad thing when you don't even think to take the time out to seek council from the one who created me and knows my every need and thought. On top of that, it puts a terrible burden on others who feel that I might be relying to much on them, when they are just trying to live their life too. The great thing about being a child of G-d, is we always get another chance, and I am taking it! My heart has been hardened for fear of being hurt and I have hidden myself away. I really wanted to get into this one particular bible study this year (through our church) and ended up missing the date to register because of anxiety. I was so mad at myself and figured that I'd just have to wait until next September. It turns out I was able to go to my very much needed retreat, which really has set my foundation for seeking out G-d. It's been a great kick start and on top of that, I have met some really fabulous women that have inspired me beyond anything I ever expected. As all children of G-d, we have our ups and downs, and last week I was a bit down. I spoke with a woman who told me to read this particular book, she kept on saying "this will change your life!" So I did it (pretty skeptically, I admit) and continued on with my day. I prayed to G-d to just show me what to do next. I looked around and there was no Angel in gleaming white saying "Kelly, this is what you are supposed to do next..", so I sighed and figured "what was the point," and went about my day. Seth and I had a night out and we decided to stop by the library (I know, we are such party animals) when I felt a tap on my arm. I turned around to see one of the women from a bible study I had attended a while back. She asked me if I was going this Sunday. I had already figured this one had started as well (I don't like to join things that are already in progress, I think it was from all my childhood moving) and I'd just let it go. She ended up informing me it hadn't and that I should come. I don't think I have ever ran out and bought a book so fast. I truly believe G-d sent her. I was a little nervous about going. All I could hear was the enemy's voice saying (not audibly mind you) "you don't belong there. These women have got it together and you don't. Your going to look like a fool.." When I walked in the door, I was embraced by friends and welcomed as though I had never left. Not only that, but after watching the video by Beth Moore for Daniel, there was no doubt in my mind it was where I belonged. I ended up talking to a wonderful friend who is going through so much in her life. She has no idea what she means to me. When she speaks, you listen! What she doesn't know is that me praying for her son and seeing her heart, is what renewed my faith in the Lord. I was in awe of all that she had to say and I feel like I could listen to her talk for hours. As I prayed earlier in the day and asked G-d some questions, she answered without knowing what I had prayed for. I was stunned that G-d had so quickly answered me. I always hear people saying "G-d said to me..." and I am thinking, "did you hear a voice? If not, how do you know it's him?" I have only had Him speak to us 2 times before that I recognized, and that was deciding when to get pregnant with Aria and Isaiah. As I am learning, HE has been speaking to me all along, I just didn't notice. I was to busy listening to the enemies lies. I have felt so lost and when all along HE really was right there, I was just oblivious to his messages. After I left the bible study, I felt him say, "I am going to restore you." I really didn't think much of it, but then last night He solidified it in me. I went to a connection meeting from my church and I had shown up late. The old me, due to anxiety, if I am late, I won't go. I get so flustered and embarrassed that I chicken out, and I end up missing out on things. This time, I was determined to get there. I admit, my heart started to race as I opened the door and I have close to 20 women staring at me (I only knew 3 of them) and I wanted to RUN! By the grace of G-d, he gave me the courage to sit down and boy am I glad I did. As I am listening to all the women tell their stories, I kept on hearing "restoration." Sure enough, it was my time to speak. A great mentor of mine looks at me and asks what my goal for 2011 is, and I knew without a doubt "this is my season for restoration!" To make things better, I unexpectedly was led to a friend I had years ago and we were able to mend a relationship we didn't even know was broken! That in itself is a long story, but it sure felt freeing. I have been wary of forming relationships as I am afraid I'll fail and disappoint my friends. Let me tell you, it is no way to live and definitely a lie from the enemy (I never thought I'd ever talk like this). Relationships change like the seasons, some come and go, some stay, and some even break. Either way, you learn from each other. We were made for community, not to be isolated. Praise the Lord for hope and wisdom! I feel like He is going to have me mend my wounds and it is long over due. I tend to move slowly, but something tells me I better brace myself. I have decided to follow His words, no matter how ridiculous I think I might look. I am pretty excited. Better to look like a fool for G-d than be a fool for myself. So I am sure this should be an interesting year. He has already brought so many people into my life, some new, some old and I am loving it. I am trying to shed my worry of people liking me, and focusing on G-d loves me for who I am. I do have other work to do. My cholesterol is awful and I found out from my doctor that I have to change things around, so I am trying now how to approach this. I really want to join our YMCA and now a friend of mine works there. In the last 2 months Seth and I have been trying to figure out how to swing it. It's just down the street and right next door to our church, so it's be the perfect opportunity. The other thing is that Isaiah's doctor has been encouraging us to increase his physical exercise. He gets so hyper focused on his passion that he misses out on other experiences. Since he has been in gymnastics we have noticed a huge burst of physical energy in him (send some my way Sonny Boy!) and he actually is gaining self confidence and trying! The more settings we have for him, the more this will flourish. So we are praying about that as I already checked into the financial aspect and even with a discount, I don't think we can do it. We are still watching Aria. It seemed after people prayed over her on Sunday, on Monday her fever came down. I really don't want her to have unnecessary blood work done if she doesn't need it (look how far I've come!) we are monitoring her for the rest of the week, but so far so good! So we are placing that into G-d's hands as well. For the first time in my life I am busy and loving it! Almost every night I have been able to be with new or old friends and it has really lifted my spirits. I am trying hard to stay true who G-d made me to be and not what I think people want me to be. There is beauty in each day. Instead of trying to grasp onto what I wish I had, I am going to be joyful for what I already do have. If that means me pretending to be a Mama Harp Seal with Isaiah (who is my baby harp seal pup (His words not mine) on an ice floe searching for predators, or playing princess dress up with Aria while hiding from "monstews" that so be it.

Ezekiel 36:26 "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from your hear your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."
I think this may be my new life verse.

I feel alive and it is contagious!! Let the restoration begin!! This one is for you Lord!